Page 30 of The Pieces of Us
Ruby’s nerves are palpable on the way to the hospital for her scan, her usual bravado replaced by the anxiety you’d expect from a sixteen-year-old about to hear her baby’s heartbeat for the first time.
I look at her fuller face and slightly rounder belly that I had – what feels a lifetime ago – put down to too many bags of peanut M I watch the big hand of the clock on the wall crawl towards the six. It’s almost at the eight by the time a nurse appears, smiling at us over her clipboard.
‘Ruby McAllister?’
‘Yeah.’ Ruby stands up, surprising me by taking my hand. Sean stands up too, stuffing his own hands back in his pockets.
‘It’s normally only one other person in the room,’ the nurse says. ‘But I can let one more sneak in. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.’
‘I’ll wait here,’ Leanne says quickly.
I give her a grateful smile. ‘Thank you.’
We’re silent inside the small room; our eyes stay glued to the screen, waiting for reassurance.
And then it’s there. With two arms, two legs, a nose. Undeniably a baby.
‘Come on, wee one,’ the sonographer says. ‘Let us hear your heart.’
‘I think it’s smiling,’ Ruby says, her face unreadable. She reaches for my hand again.
Sean puts his hand on Ruby’s shoulder. ‘That’s so cool.’
‘It is,’ Ruby murmurs. ‘I can’t believe I’m growing that little person inside my body.’ She looks up at me, her eyes shining. ‘Mum, that’s my baby.’
‘I know, sweetheart.’ I squeeze her hand. I also know, without the slightest doubt, that she’s going to keep it.
‘Everything looks great,’ the sonographer says. ‘Ah, here we go. Listen to that heartbeat.’
And just like that – sounding like the hooves of a tiny horse – my grandchild gallops into my heart.
Leanne and Roy need to get back to work, but Sean accepts my invitation to come to ours for lunch.
He and Ruby sit in the back of my car together, marvelling at the scan photographs.
I take the opportunity to glance at him in my rear-view mirror, this boy who has drifted in and out of our home over the last couple of years, lugging his PS5 in the same old worn Asda bag for life, doing his maths homework in Ruby’s bedroom.
Today I’m looking at him from a completely different place.
Will my grandchild have his Roman nose, his chiselled cheekbones, his thick eyelashes?
Will my grandchild be a Taylor or a McAllister?
They join me at the table with a plate of cheese and pickle sandwiches. Ruby tells Sean that she hasn’t eaten tuna – her favourite – since she read about the risks of mercury last week.
‘I’m pretty sure it’s fine to have a tuna sandwich now and again,’ I tell her.
She narrows her eyes at me. ‘Better to be safe than sorry, Mum.’
‘So. You two are having a baby,’ I say.
Ruby laughs. ‘Stating the obvious there, Mum.’
‘Do you want to talk about anything? Ruby, you’ll need to let the school know. You’ve got exams coming up in a couple of months …’
She sighs. ‘Mum, can we talk about this later? I just want to eat my lunch. It’ll be fine. I’ll do my exams, I promise.’ She looks tired but her face is glowing. She’s still riding the wave of the scan.
‘By the time the baby arrives, I’ll have started an apprenticeship with my uncle,’ Sean says. He shifts in his chair; understandably he wants to be anywhere but here. ‘Once I’ve saved up some money, we can get a place of our own.’
Ruby bites into her sandwich, avoiding my eyes. ‘We won’t rush into anything,’ she says quickly. She has a tiny blob of pickle on her chin. I reach out to wipe it off. My funny, fearless little girl, who slept in my bed until she was seven.
‘When you slept in my bed, you used to stick your fingers into my armpit. When you were old enough to speak, you’d say, “I want your armpit, Mummy.” Not just in bed – in the supermarket, at the doctor’s, everywhere.’
‘ Mum .’ She glowers at me and kicks my ankle under the table.
‘Sorry. But you’ll have to get used to this. You too, Sean. Be prepared for a lot of reminiscing. You’ll understand it when you become parents. You’ll spend half your time wishing for the next stage and the other half trying to turn back the clock.’