Page 39 of The Order of Disorder

“The whole place is bugged,” he continues in a hoarse whisper. “Silas reviews the footage and audio constantly. I couldn’t tell you anything out there.”

My lungs are heaving. My heart’s in my throat. My mind is trying to spin in six directions at once, but it can’t.

Microphones? Footage?

I blink hard, like that’ll help me make sense of what I just heard.

Silas monitors every room?

A wave of heat crawls up my neck.

Me with Rox, with Maze. And Silas…watching?

Wyatt shifts above me.

“I couldn’t say anything out there,” he repeats. “I couldn’t react. What the fuck are you doing here, Max?”

“Me?” I manage. “What the fuck are you doing here?Ryan?”

The name sounds like an accusation. It is.

His jaw tightens.

“Don’t say my real name again,” he whispers, imploring. “Please, Max. I’m serious. If anyone hears it, I’m dead.”

I stare at him. At that face I know so well, those eyes looking at me like they have a thousand times before. Familiar and unknown. A stranger I thought I knew. My pulse pounds in my ears.

He stares back, a thousand unspoken words in his eyes, and then finally he shifts off me, rolling onto his side until we’relying parallel, our faces just inches apart in the dark under the blanket.

“I’m telling you this,” he says quietly, “because I need you to understand something. I don’t know why you’re here. If you left the others. If you chose this. If Billy got to you somehow. I don’t know.”

The words land like punches.If I chose this?Why the hell would anyone choose this?

“If you say my name again,” he continues, “or tell anyone who I am, they will kill me. Do you understand? I’m not who they think I am, and if they figure that out…it’s over.”

I go still, the fog in my mind making it hard to process.

He’s not who they think he is? He’s not Ryan? He’s…Wyatt?

He could be lying. But why would he?

I feel sick. Cold. Confused. Like my brain’s trying to rewire itself in real time and shorting out.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whisper.

“I tried,” he says. “There’s a blind spot behind the storehouse. I left a note in that cigarette pack. Told you to meet me there.”

Right. The cigarette pack.

I take a long breath, unsure what to say. It wasn’t just that I didn’t trust him. It’s that…I’ve lost track of time.

I don’t seem able to do the things I used to. Simple things. Like just showing up.

Maze had pills, and I wanted to stay high. That’s all I wanted. To keep riding the wave straight into deep oblivion. Because that’s the only thing that’s made this even halfway bearable. How do I explain that?

“I missed it,” I say, voice weak. “I…didn’t go.”

“It’s okay,” he says softly. He wraps his arm around me and pulls me in close. “I’ve got you now,” he says. “You’re safe.”