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Chapter Sixteen

T HALIA

I wasn’t sure why this small, cozy space brought tears to my eyes. Maybe it was because it reminded me a little of the small tower sewing room that Bryony loved to hide away in and where I’d often joined her with a book, teasing her by saying she’d ruin her eyes with all the intricate needlepoint. She’d retort with, “Better than risking losing a limb in battle.”

And we’d had our fair share of those. Father had loaned the guard to neighboring provinces, kingdoms, and isles over the years in exchange for grain, and I’d fought on varying terrain. I’d slept on hard ground in the cold with my guard and come home weary and hungry to the castle where Bryony and Father had been waiting.

This room brought an influx of memories, and with them came a surge of emotions because my sister was dead, and we would never sit in the sewing room together again.

“Thalia?” Vaarin cupped my shoulders. “Look at me.”

I lifted my chin to view him through a sheen of tears. I was tired and homesick and scared. So fucking scared.

He pulled me into a hug, and I accepted the comfort, wrapping my arms around his waist and pressing my cheek to his chest. He was the sea and power, but right now, he was safety and comfort, and I needed that, even though he might ultimately become my undoing.

“I’m sorry for my reaction earlier,” he said. “I was…afraid. Afraid of what might have happened to you, but you…you fought, and you won and…Your skill is of a seasoned warrior. How?”

There was nothing to do but offer him half the truth. “I fought with my father’s army a few times fending off invaders to our shores.”

“Your father would risk you this way?”

He had no idea. “He fought also. We do what we must to protect our people.”

He was silent for several heartbeats, and when he spoke, his tone was warm and intimate. “You are an amazing woman. You’re not just beautiful, but you are intelligent and strong of body and mind, and I am so very honored to know you.”

A sob clawed at my throat, the armor that I’d spent years building cracking because how long had I wished for someone to say these words to me? How long had I yearned before I’d convinced myself they didn’t matter? I’d made do with the scraps my adopted father was able to throw my way. The soft smile or pat on the shoulder when the queen wasn’t watching. I’d thrived in Bryony’s need for me to protect her, finding myself useful in that, and when lying with a man, I’d accepted the sexual compliments, allowing those words to warm me, but this…Vaarin’s words…they unraveled a part of me that I’d thought dead long ago. I kept my head down, cheek pressed to his chest where his heart beat steady and sure against my cheek because in this moment, if I allowed him to look into my eyes, he would see… everything . He would see it all, and then…then I would be wholly undone.

So I allowed him to hold me for a little longer, long enough for me to rein in my emotions and lock them away before I extricated myself from the embrace.

“I think I’m tired. And hungry.”

He searched my face, looking for something that I could not, would not give him. “We can do something about both of those things,” he said finally. “Why don’t you wash up. There’s a pump in the room next door and a basin. I’ll start a fire and find us something to eat.”

I ducked into the small washroom that held a tiny hand basin and a small tub. Someone had lived here once. I made a note to ask Vaarin about it. My face looked back at me from a mirror that had lost some of its silver so that all I saw were my eyes, dark and haunted, and my mouth, lips dry and chapped. The water was icy, but I washed my hands and face before redoing my braid. The small latrine was a blessing after such a long trek, and by the time I rejoined Vaarin, I felt almost human.

The room was now lit by firelight, and Vaarin sat with his back braced on one of the sofas, long legs stretched out in front of him. He’d pulled a low table close to the hearth and placed a small offering of leathery meat and berries on it.

My stomach rumbled in anticipation of the meager meal. “When did you get the berries?”

“Just now,” he said. “There is a berry bush outside this hovel.” His gaze roved over my face, probably searching for signs of distress. I offered him a small smile to let him know I was fine. My emotional display, unusual for me, was probably something he’d expect from a woman of high breeding such as a true princess.

It was just as well I’d allowed myself to be vulnerable, even if only for a moment. “Do you know who lived here?”

“No. It was empty when we found it. I can’t help wondering what happened to the creature who owned it, or what this isle’s true story is.”

I joined him on the floor by the fire and tucked my legs beneath me. “Does no one know?”

“No one that I have met, and I have met many people.”

The flickering flames played in a dance of light and shadow across his face. He’d shucked off his overcoat and boots and rolled up his sleeves to expose strong forearms. I forced myself to look away from the feast of flesh and turned my attention to our supper.

I picked up a berry and popped it in my mouth. Flavor, sweet with a tart edge, exploded on my tongue. “Oh, that is nice.”

“Yes, but do not eat too many. They can play havoc with your stomach.”

The shits…I got it. I ate a handful more, then turned to the leathery meat.

He watched but didn’t partake. “Aren’t you hungry?”

“No. I do not require the same kind of sustenance as you do, or as much of it. The sea sustains me, and I was able to replenish myself yesterday.”

“So…how long before you need to replenish again?”

“A day, maybe two. I will do so once we are on our ship and in safe waters.”

“Are any waters safe any longer?”

“The Meridian seas are heavily patrolled by the North Sea Guard. You will be safe there.”

“Guards like Meredith?”

“Yes, and others.”

Food consumed, I relaxed against the armchair behind me, unfurling my legs to stretch them out parallel to his. In one day and night I’d be on Merida Isle, and then the marriage would happen, and then… “How quickly will I be married to Prince Dylon?”

His expression clouded. “Eager, are we?”

“My people are starving, so yes, you could say I’m eager.”

He sighed. “As soon as we return, we will do the ceremony, and then…once the union has been consummated, Dylon will take you to the undersea realm to visit our people as is customary.”

“Then what?”

“You will return to the isle and live in the castle, and your people will be permitted to join you as is agreed in the contract.”

I needed to be sure the contract wouldn’t be overturned, that once it was sealed, it couldn’t be overturned. “And what if…what if the prince doesn’t like me? After…after it’s done. What if he says I’m not the princess he wants?”

“Then you will be free to do as you wish. Your union with my son will have granted us the fertility we require.”

“You won’t send my people away?”

“The contract is binding, Thalia. A Faircaster princess will marry and consummate with the prince of the Northern Sea. Once these terms are met, the Merida Isle will belong to King Bronan.”

There was nothing in there about the fertility having to take hold. The princess wasn’t named, and I was a princess, the king’s adopted daughter. The contract would hold, and even though guilt writhed in my chest for the deceit I was weaving, there was a part of me at peace with it.

He was looking at me strangely now, and I didn’t like the shrewd look in his eyes. “Let’s play a game to pass the time.”

The shrewd look melted. “A game? What kind of game?”

“A secrets game.”

“Oh? Do you have many secrets, Princess?”

“A few. But I’ll share mine if you share yours.”

The timbre to his voice dropped, his sapphire eyes darkening as he said, “They say that disclosure brings closeness. Are you looking for closeness, Thalia?”

My pulse quickened. Was the air suddenly a little too thick? “Maybe…” Why had I said that? “What do you hate the most? What won’t you tolerate?”

The intensity in his eyes melted away. “Lies and betrayal,” he said simply. “I cannot. Will not abide it.”

His words left me cold. “Really? I sense a story.” I kept my tone light even though my insides were quivering. “Do tell.”

He responded with a half smile and a one-shoulder shrug. “There is not much to tell. My wife had liaisons with my best friend behind my back, and when I discovered the truth, she lied about it. Dylon was barely five years old. He does not remember and does not understand why his mother left.”

“Left? I thought she was dead.”

“She is dead. Dead to me.”

Just like I would be once he found out the truth. But in my case, it would be a real death.

“And you?” he asked. “What won’t you abide?”

“Honestly, I don’t have the luxury to not abide things.” The words were out before I could think them through, and I wanted to kick myself, because surely a princess had every luxury.

But if he found my response off, he didn’t show it. In fact, he merely nodded. “I suppose much that you do is chosen for you.”

I exhaled and smiled to mask my relief. “All the time.”

“Except learning to fight?”

“A small concession my father made.”

“You must have had an excellent tutor.”

“I did.” That part wasn’t a lie. Berand had been an excellent teacher, and now he was dead. The whole situation weighed on me, leaving me suddenly bone-achingly tired. A yawn popped my jaw, and I covered my mouth and shook my head. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. You should sleep now.”

I glanced at the bed. A structure made for one. A small someone. I pulled myself up and gathered the blankets. “We’ll make a bed by the fire.”

He watched me, his expression unreadable as I laid the blankets on the floor. They weren’t big enough to cover us completely, but the fire would keep us warm, and the mattress would provide a little cushioning for the top half of our bodies if we laid it vertically.

I threw a quick glance his way. “You might want to move the table.”

He did so but didn’t join me on the makeshift bed.

I arched a brow. “Do you intend to stay awake all night?”

“You wish for me to lie with you?”

Hadn’t I made that clear? And was I imagining the suggestiveness in his tone? “Yes. Please. In case it gets cold,” I added quickly.

He joined me, lying behind me like he had the night before and framing my body with his. I bit back a sigh of contentment because how could this feel so right?

He draped his arm over my waist, and my fingers itched to caress his skin, so pale where mine was brown. I wanted to see the shades side by side, but instead I curled my hand into a fist.

“I could get used to this,” he whispered softly, his breath moving through my hair.

His words echoed my desires. “Then why don’t you?” I squeezed my eyes closed as if that would make the words I shouldn’t have said disappear.

He rested his chin on the top of my head, tucking me against him. “You deserve love, and that is not something I can give you.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because I’m cursed.” He exhaled heavily. “I never allowed myself to say it out loud before. I’ve made it a point to disbelieve it. But there is a part of me that has always known that I am broken. I can want to possess and own. I can feel pleasure and pain and physical yearning, but I cannot love or be loved. It is why I did not execute my wife, as was my right. She needed love, thrived on it, and was given to a cold-hearted king unable to provide her with this most basic need. She betrayed me, and I understood it. But I did not forgive Chorles’s betrayal because he was my closest friend.”

“Did you…Did you kill him?”

“Yes.”

A little chill entered my blood. “He was your closest friend. Could you not have forgiven him too?”

“I did wrong by my queen Evya, but Chorles I was always a loyal friend to. He did not deserve my clemency, but had he come to me and expressed his feelings for Evya, then I may have seen it in my cold heart to set them both free. Instead, he chose to lie and cheat and deceive, and in doing so he broke the sanctity of our friendship.”

Would Vaarin help me if I told him the truth now? Would he still help my people? I didn’t want to sully what was growing between us, this warm, real thing that I believed could become more and?—

What was I thinking? There could never be a him and me. Not even if I confessed. I was no one. Nothing. And he was the fucking sea king. Any connection between us, any tender feelings he might have were for a princess. Not for her bodyguard.

I blinked back hot tears. “We should sleep.”

He hugged me close. “Then close your eyes, Little Princess.”

With guilt building a nest in my chest and all the awful possibilities of what would happen to me once my deception was complete, I doubted I’d ever fall asleep. But the steady beat of Vaarin’s heart and the crackle of the fire soon proved me wrong.