Page 13

My body shakes as I walk into the lecture hall, my bones riddled with guilt. It only intensifies when I see Cade sitting in his usual spot… right next to my usual spot, and I feel something worse than guilt.

Fear.

I’m going to have to talk to him, but what on earth can I say?

Sorry I couldn’t come. My boss stole my tickets and forced me to work.

It sounds ridiculous and unbelievable, and I don’t want to see the look of disappointment on his face when the only thing he’s ever represented to me is hope.

I bite my bottom lip, holding back tears as I feel the weight of letting him down crush through my body.

I’ve never cared much for people’s opinions, but his…

his means something, even though he might not know it.

I take a couple of tentative steps forward, reminding myself of the conversation I had with Chloe last night. She said that Luke was always going to take them if he found out, and it wasn’t my fault.

Take. Take. Take.

It’s like a mantra at this point. There’s no getting away from him.

Nothing is truly mine anymore. The only pathetic secret I’ve managed to keep is that my car has become my bedroom.

And Cade… Luke has no idea that I’m crushing hard on Cade.

I shiver at the thought of what he’d do to him if he found that out.

Students push past me, making their way into the lecture hall, but I can’t force my feet up the stairs over the crushing weight of my pitiful reality.

Cade will never be mine. He can’t be. All he’ll ever be is a fantasy in my head who helps me survive the soul-crushing moments on that stage when strange men’s eyes crawl over my body.

His eyes…

His smile…

His dimples…

I’m going to have to pretend he means nothing even though he means everything. How else can I explain selling his tickets? How can I possibly make him understand that I didn’t have a choice? That Luke simply took what he wanted like he always does.

How am I going to explain Luke got them in the first place? Will he start to connect the dots and realize I work at Behind Closed Doors? The second he realizes, he’ll see what I’ve been trying to hide from everyone at Covey U. The anxiety. The willingness to be degraded. The desperation.

“Are you going to join us, Miss Barnett?” Kinsey, the TA, asks as she marks papers with her red pen of doom, only serving to remind me that I’m nearly failing the class. I only just got the last assignment in on time, and I’m behind on all my other classes.

I’m never going to be able to catch up. Not with school. Not with money. Not with life. I’m going to keep circling the drain until I have no choice but to give up.

“Sorry,” I mumble before shuffling up the stairs to my seat. I have to slide past Cade, but he barely acknowledges me, if at all.

As I sit, I say, “Hey,” testing the water. He doesn’t speak immediately, so I pull my notepad and pen out. It takes Cade a while to turn his head, but when he does, his green eyes narrow and he tips his chin in acknowledgment as he looks back at his laptop, typing away.

That’s it?

A chin tip?

Wow. I guess I always took for granted Cade’s demeanor with me before. Normally, he’s friendly, and the only person I look forward to seeing. Now he’s cold and disinterested.

I drop my head in embarrassment and shuffle through the pages of my notepad, pretending to busy myself with that in hopes it stops my cheeks from reddening.

He ignored me. In front of everyone. But hadn’t I done the same thing? He doesn’t know I had no choice but to leave him high and dry at his hockey game. It wasn’t like I had his number to tell him I wasn’t coming.

He ignores me the entire class, and by the time it ends, he hasn’t looked in my direction once, too focused on typing his notes to care. I can’t leave it, though. I can’t let the only person who’s gotten me through this last year think I hate him.

“I’m sorry.” My voice crackles at the end.

He shuts his laptop and turns to me.

I swallow, feeling his heavy glare. “I really wanted to come. I had my friend lined up and everything. It’s just, I couldn’t get time off work.

My boss wouldn’t let me, so I had to sell the tickets.

” The sting in my throat I feel at the mere mention of Luke isn’t lost on me.

I despise that man more than anyone else in this world.

Cade’s silent for a minute, his eyes assessing me, and I’m not sure what he’s expecting. Does he want me to elaborate? What more is there to say?

“Where do you work again?”

My eyes grow wide, and I try to stop myself from showing too much. I don’t want him to know. “I’m a server at a diner,” I answer, almost mechanically.

“A diner? And there was no one around to fill your spot?”

I shake my head, shifting in my seat a little. Cade might be his usual distance from me, but

his glare makes me feel claustrophobic. “My boss is very particular.”

He lets out a low chuckle, his demeanor changing. “That’s one way to put it. Surprised he wouldn’t let a girl like you off for one night. I’m sure you’re just as dedicated at work as you are here. Maybe I should speak to him about it.”

“What? No.”

“I think you need a break. Whenever I’ve asked you out, you’re either working or studying. That can’t be good for the soul.”

“I can’t take the time off and risk losing my job.”

“Not even for one night?”

I shake my head. “No. I’m—” My stomach twists.

I’m getting too close to admitting the truth.

All because his eyes are so deep and he makes me feel like I’m somebody.

I might be struggling my ass off, drowning in debt with Luke’s loans, but I’m not about to tell Cade that.

“I’m not like you. My scholarship only covers tuition and books.

I have to pay for everything else, so every penny counts. ”

His face screws up. “Do you think the school pays for me?” He sounds offended, and I can admit, I might’ve said that a little more arrogantly than I’d planned. “I’m not on a scholarship. Those are reserved for the football team. I pay for everything myself.”

“How?” I ask before I can stop myself.

A smile eases out across his face, the tension from earlier feels far away. The guilt twisting up my insides hasn’t gone, though. “I had a side gig last year that paid really well.” There’s a little twinkle in his eyes, and I know exactly what he’s talking about.

The fights.

The first time I was sent to work during one of those brutal spectacles, he was there.

Cade’s not just any fighter. He’s majestic.

He has a way of moving around the ring that catches his opponents off guard, and I found myself mesmerized by him.

He won that match and a little fragment of my heart that night.

A fragment he hasn’t given back since, probably doesn’t even know he possesses.

“Oh, yeah?” I play dumb because if I out him, then I out myself.

“Yeah.” He pauses. “I paid for my tuition using my signing bonus from my hockey club.”

My brows furrow. “Hockey club? Didn’t you just say you aren’t on a scholarship?”

“I’m not. I’m talking about the NHL.”

“Wait, do you mean a professional sports team?”

He laughs. “Yes. I was drafted to the Atlanta Anglerfish back in high school. I’m here until the end of the year.”

Atlanta? He’s moving there at the end of the year? My stomach bottoms out. What am I supposed to do when he’s gone? Nothing, because I’m of no consequence to him.

“Didn’t you know?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Does the idea that I play professional sports make me infinitely more appealing to you now?”

“No. I don’t watch hockey. Honestly, I thought it was a summer sport.” The reality is Cade doesn’t need to do anything to be more appealing to me. Beautiful. Powerful. Confident. He’s already the most attractive man I’ve ever met.

He throws me a bemused smile, and something about it makes me feel at ease. “You’re thinking of field hockey. I play ice hockey.”

“Oh.” My face burns with embarrassment.

“Wait a minute. Did you think I’d invited you to a field last night?”

“Uh, yeah.”

He shakes his head, looking mildly amused. “Well, that might explain why you didn’t want anything to do with the tickets. Hockey’s a great game. Fast-paced and a lot of fights. I’m sure you’d like it if you gave it a chance.”

“Yeah. I’m sure I would.”

“Have you ever been to a rink before?”

I shake my head.

“We should change that.”

“We should?” My voice cracks with surprise.

“Yeah. You should come with me sometime. I’ll make sure you won’t fall.”

I swallow down the bitter taste in my mouth. Why is he so persistent with me? I essentially stood him up and all it took was a few words of apology for me to get back on his good side.

I’m not worth it, but every time he looks at me, I feel like he’s seeing something I’m not.

“That is, if your boss will give you time off.”

“Yeah,” I drawl out.

“Don’t worry, I’ll speak to him. It’s Luke, right?”

Luke?

Wait, does he know?

My mouth gapes open and I don’t know what to say to him.

“Yeah, well, I don’t think Beardy McBeardson owns a diner. Last I heard he owned a real estate company, and a few other enterprises.” The way his eyes cut into me makes my blood freeze solid in my veins.

“Uh.” Eloquent. Fucking eloquent.

“It’s fine if you work for him. I don’t care. What I do care about is you getting some time off, though.” Even though his voice is casual, his eyes are anything but.

“T-time off?” I stammer like I’ve never heard the concept before.

He wants to talk to Luke. He knows. Fuck. He already knows.

How long?

And if he knows about the club, then what else does he know?

Does he know about my car? About Adley?

My cheeks burn hot enough to melt steel.

What if he knows about how I picture his face when I’m on that stage.

How I’ve created an entire fantasy life with him to get me through the darkest nights.

Nights where I imagine his hands on my body, his mouth tracking a hot path down my neck and his weight pressing me into sheets instead of the cold leather of my car’s backseat?

“You know what? I think I have to go.”

I pack away my things as quickly as humanly possible and hop over the seats in front in a desperate bid to escape this conversation.

I can’t face this. Not now.