Page 19 of The No Repeat Policy

“Shit.”

My eyes crane open, looking at an empty bed. He must have gotten up early and rushed out. I lift from the couch and stare at the perfectly folded sheets. Did he really hate me that much? So much that he got up early and scurried away before I could say anything. Damn.

He teased me again. Let me in just enough that I’d want another taste and disappeared. Like a ghost. Leaving me with only his scent and a hint of that vulnerability under heavy lock and key.

I shake my head, airing out the morning grogginess and any last hope that had sprung up the day I got here. He’s gone. He doesn’t want me anyway. He made that much clear. I shuffle to the bathroom and splash water on my face with Sasha at my feet. I give her a pat.

“It’s just like usual, girlie,”

I tell her.

The plan had been to stay until the afternoon, then head back when Madison does, but I’m rethinking it. Maybe I’d be better off heading home now. Get away from all of this and just get back to my normal. That’s probably best. I’ll text her on my way out so she won’t get worried.

I go back to the bedroom and start packing up what’s left on the table. It isn’t much. Sasha’s on my feet again, bouncing between the bed and back to me. In no time I’m done and heading out the door with the sound of her paws trailing behind me. Over the balcony there’s already a stir of voices. It sounds like Jon and Gregory, and I think Heather. Maybe Rachel too, or maybe that’s Pam. I lean over. I was right, except it is Pam. They’re sitting around the fireplace, talking about who knows what.

There’s no sign of Xander. Is he really gone? Already?

“Morning, Kolton,”

Pam calls out.

“Morning.”

I nod and lead Sasha across the balcony and down the large staircase. “I think I’m going to leave a little early.”

“Is everything all right?”

Gregory eyes me.

“I just thought I’d get a head start. Is…”

I start to ask if Xander is still around, but then I’d have to explain why or make up some bogus reason for asking. I’m not getting railroaded into telling them my head’s stuck on the boss’s son.

“What is it?” Jon asks.

“Nothing,”

I laugh it off. “I’m just going to get going.”

“Well be safe then,” Jon says.

“Take it slow, it’s been coming down heavy this morning,”

Pam warns me.

Lovely. More snow. Worse road conditions, in my car.

“All the more reason. I’ll see y’all at work tomorrow.”

I wave awkwardly. I don’t know what the leaving protocol is at a getaway like this. So I turn and head for the door after everyone waves back and says goodbye. I lean over and pat Sasha on the head. “Come on, girl.”

She beats me to the door. I swear she can read my mind already. Before I can reach the handle, it turns from the other side and the door slips open. White flakes and wind rush inside with a coated figure. He turns and pulls down his hood.

It’s just Mason.

“Back already?”

Heather asks from behind me.

I go to hold the door open, and Mason shakes his head.

“No point, Kolton,”

he says, and then looks beyond me. “The roads are a mess, and there’s a tree down.”

“A tree?” Jon asks.

“Yeah. It fell across the road. It’s massive,”

Mason complains. “And the roads are so bad I couldn’t drive back up. I had to leave my car halfway down the driveway and walk the rest of the way back.”

Fuck. That’s a long walk. Wait. The driveway is blocked? Like completely?

“You walked all the way back?”

Pam asks like there was an alternative.

“Yeah.”

He’s breathing hard. “Y’all have a chainsaw or two up here? It ain’t moving otherwise.”

The answer is silence and eyes bouncing between them all. Nice. We’re in the mountains at a fucking cabin and there’s no chainsaw. Can this day get any better?

“What’s going on?”

Xander comes around the corner with a bagel in hand.

Maybe it can. He lifts the bagel to his lips and the hopeful part of me wishes it was me.

He glances at me on his way to his sister’s side. Was that guilt? His blue eyes caught mine, locked, then looked away. Maybe I’m overthinking it. I squint and look the other way.

“Seems the road is blocked. A tree fell.”

Heather puts an arm around his waist and squeezes him like she’s freezing.

“What?!”

His eyes shoot to me. My head jerks back. Why me? Then he sweeps his gaze around the room. “Like we’re stuck?”

“Who said anything about being stuck? We’re not stuck,”

Jon laughs and motions to Gregory. “We’ve some tools, right? An axe?”

“Tools, sure. Uh… An axe though? Uh…”

Gregory narrows his eyes and his brow wrinkles. “No. Don’t think so. It’s not like this is a hunting lodge,”

Greg complains. Sounds awfully familiar. “Someone didn’t want anything like that here, remember?”

“Now’s not the time.”

Jon bites.

My thoughts immediately go to Pam. I think she might have had something to do with that, but an axe? What’s wrong with an axe? It’d be hella sweet right now.

“Even if there were an axe, that’s a big tree down there,”

Mason huffs. “It’d take hours to clear it.”

“What’s going on?”

Lawrence’s voices booms over the balcony.

I think that makes everyone present, except his girlfriend.

“We’re stuck here, at least for the day,” Jon says.

“So, we are stuck now?”

Xander’s eyes open wider than before and he throws his head back, slinging blonde curls everywhere.

“Yeah,”

Jon grumbles. “I’ll make a call, get someone up here to clear it, but if it’s that bad…”

He closes his eyes and sighs. “Shit. It might be tomorrow before they come.”

“What?”

“Another day off!”

“Tomorrow?”

“Seriously?”

I can’t tell who’s saying what. It’s a raucous mess of words and groans. What I can tell is the disappointment on Xander’s face. His lips are in a frown, eyes drooping. It actually makes me feel bad.

“Yes.”

Jon settles down and retrieves his phone. “It’s all I can do.”

I grumble under my breath, letting it vibrate in my throat. Stuck. We’re stuck here. I’m stuck here. Fuck.

And I’m stuck here with Xander. Oh, wait. I’m stuck here with Xander. The left edge of my lip rises without thought, or well, maybe that’s not so honest. It’s because I have more time…with him. Shit no. Fuck. Not what I need. I huff and regroup my thoughts. He doesn’t look too happy about it. Good. But I…no.

“Who wants breakfast?”

Pam breaks the chorus of voices.

It works. Everyone quiets down, and their attention is on her. There’s really no point in complaining when there’s little you can do about it.

“I’ll help.”

I raise a hand, like a second grader.

“Oh, you cook?” Pam asks.

“You cook?”

Madison says from behind me.

I jump and Sasha barks at my side. I give her a pat and let it calm my own chest. When did Madison get down?

“I can cook,” I say.

“Can you? I’ve never heard you say anything about cooking,”

she says. She’s not wrong either, but I can. I don’t do anything extravagant, but I have the basics down.

“I can handle breakfast,”

I assure her with a raised palm and smile.

“You?”

Xander joins in.

What is with everyone questioning my abilities?

“Yes.”

I nod, jutting my head forward. “I can cook some. Like seriously. Breakfast isn’t that hard.”

“This could be interesting.”

Xander grins at me. He actually grins.

I grunt and look away. What was that about?

“Come with me then. We’ve got a lot to do.”

Pam comes over and grasps my arm. She pulls and I follow into the kitchen, where it’s just the two of us.

She doesn’t talk a lot. Just the occasional “Could you hand me that”

or “Ooh, don’t burn the eggs.”

Apparently, I like them more done than is to her liking. Same goes for my hash browns. They need to crunch when I bite into them, not just wilt around my teeth.

Madison joins us a few minutes later, and within half an hour we have the long dining room table set with all manners of breakfast foods, including the vegetarian variety I’m just now noticing. It ends up being a great breakfast, probably one of the best I’ve ever had a hand in putting together, even if the conversation is lacking.

Gregory and Jon, and occasionally Lawrence—who was more interested in Reagan’s thigh under the table—talk work. Something about an author they’re hoping to work with and some issue with the rights agreements. I don’t have a clue about that shit. If it’s not on the computer, I’m not that worried about it. I try to listen in to Xander’s conversation with his sisters, like a psychopath, but Madison won’t let me.

“So you were just going to leave without saying bye, huh?”

she asks, sitting up straight and popping a piece of bacon in her mouth.

I knew she wouldn’t forget. I hoped she would, but I knew better.

“No, not at all,”

I tell her. “I was going to text you once I got to the car.”

“So yes then.”

She tilts her head accusingly.

“What? No!”

“Uh, yes!”

She rolls her eyes. “You couldn’t at least wait for me to get up to say bye! Something wrong with you?”

“Maybe,”

I grumble. “No. Just trying to get back to normal.”

“Excuse me? Why the fu— crap you trying that?” she asks.

It makes my smile grow, the way she almost slipped at the table with basically the entire staff from work, including the chiefs. I honestly don’t think they’d care. I’ve heard them drop a few themselves, but still.

“What’s wrong with that?”

I ask, glancing to the other side of the table to make sure Xander hasn’t left. I need to talk to him.

“You want to go back to work?”

she asks. “Instead of being stranded in this literal winter wonderland?”

When she puts it like that, I can’t deny the appeal, and normally the answer would be yes. There wouldn’t even be a pause to think about it. Now, though, it’s not that simple. It depends on the next few hours and if I can get myself to be a fucking man long enough to be open and, unfortunately, vulnerable with Xander. So this could either be a genuine winter wonderland or a winter hellscape. It’s simply yet to be determined.

“Maybe.” I squint.

“Boy.”

Madison leans back and shakes her head, then she stops. “Ah. Boy.”

“Yes.”

I nod and grin. It could mean anything I guess, but I think she understands.

“Greeky got you by the balls,”

she leans in and whispers.

I grin and cough, lowering my voice to attempt a little stealth in the middle of the table. “Nobody’s got these balls yet.”

Madison’s eyes widen in amused surprise, and she goes back to the eggs on her plate. I lift my phone from the table—thankfully it’s not against table rules to have it out after all—and type a quick explanation in our texts thread.

KOLTON: We talked some last night. Nothing deep, but it was different.

I can feel Madison’s phone vibrate on the table. She grabs it, looking around to see if anyone noticed. They did, but they just laugh it off. Xander, on the other hand, narrows his eyes at me, and I smile back, which either is enough or disgusts him because he looks away.

My phone jolts in my hand. Madison, of course.

MADISON: So? He does have your balls?

KOLTON: NO! OMG! I don’t think he’s as awful as I said though.

Yeah, I bad-mouthed him to her a lot the day after we got here, and of course there’s all the time between first meeting him at the bar on Halloween and now too. So, a lot.

MADISON: So you got more ass?

I roll my eyes and type back.

KOLTON: NOOOO! He just seems…I don’t know. I want to get to know him.

I hit send and check again to make sure Xander hasn’t left. Oh fuck. He did. I bounce my eyes around the room and he’s nowhere.

“That’s my cue,”

I say to Madison and jump up.

“Your wha—”

she tries, but I’m already up and moving.

When I get to the next room he’s nowhere to be found, but I catch movement up high. A door closing, just behind the banister stretching across the balcony. My door. Our door. I rush across the room and take the stairs two at a time. I don’t even notice that Sasha’s matching me step-for-step until I hit the top step and start down the balcony to the last door.

What the hell am I even going to say? Barge in and swear my undying love for him? Hell no. I don’t love him. I don’t think. I still barely know him. I like him. I’m attracted to him, both body and mind—unlike the others—but what do I say? I should have had more of a plan than this before barging out of breakfast.

I grab the door handle and push. He swings around to the sound of my feet practically skidding to a stop and Sasha’s nails clicking against the hardwood. His face morphs into surprise and confusion.

“Xander! Alexander, whoever the fuck you are,”

I start off strong. I’m fucked. “I…”

“You what?”

he asks when I don’t finish the sentence and instead stand in front of him, staring, trying to figure out what the hell I mean to say.

“I…”

I try again, but it’s a no go. “Fuck. G-give me a second.”

“Take all the time you need,”

he says, words dripping with annoyance.

I take in a long breath and even out my heartbeats while he slides onto the bed fully clothed.

“You’re taking a nap?” I ask.

“That what you came flying in here like a horrified parent to ask?”

He crumples his cheeks, but then they soften. “Yeah. So?”

“No, nothing. I just…”

I don’t even know why I asked. It just seemed strange, but then again that’s what naps are, midday sleeping. I cough and steady myself. I’m so fucked, but I came this far and I’m not stopping. “So.”

Xander sucks his lips in and then forces air between them. They pop forward, blooming with a puff of air. “Yes?”

He sounds like an annoyed child. Why the fuck am I attracted to this?

“Why are you such an ass?” I ask.

It is literally the last thing I wanted to ask, but the way he looked at me and the cadence of his tone forced the words to the surface. Oh shit. Do I have a thing for assholes—like, the personality?

“I’m s-sorry, what?”

Xander lifts up, sitting on the bed. His cheeks blossom into pink flowers, but his blue eyes are a mix of chilled anger and spastic surprise. “I’m an asshole?”

“You sure can be,”

I say. “You literally push me away at every chance.”

“You act like we’re a fucking couple, but you barely know me!”

Xander scoots closer, throwing his hands around.

“Whose fault is that?”

I ask. My hands go to my hips, like Mom used to do. I drop them, forcing myself not to shudder from mimicking her.

“Hu— What? Fault? Who’s fault? It’s…uh…”

Xander struggles.

I wait, giving him a moment to drown in his own decisions. He’s floundering.

“It’s not mine!”

he says and turns away, tugging at the comforter aimlessly.

“Is it not?”

I walk around the opposite side of the bed and lean down so we’re eye to eye. He looks away. “I’m not the one who came over on Halloween for a quick fuck and then disappeared the next day. I’m not the one who ignored every text I sent after.”

“It was a hookup.”

He shrugs. “It didn’t mean anything.”

“I know what it was,”

I snap. Calm down. He’s not entirely wrong about that, and I don’t need this conversation being overheard downstairs. It wasn’t meant to be anything more. Just a quick good time, but he was different from the others. “You stayed and talked though. I swear you felt something too.”

Fuck. Felt something too. I immediately regret my words. But is it true? Was there something different? Yes. Was I intrigued? Yes. Did I desperately want to see him again against all my rules? Yes, but feelings? But it’s stupid. He’s just like me. Hooking up. What’s to stop him from being just like Michael?

He doesn’t respond, which scares me even more. Is that agreement? Could it be? His eyes twitch, and his hands pulse nervously, or maybe it’s anger.

“You weren’t like the others,”

I nearly whisper but refuse to look away. When he doesn’t answer, a wave of nausea climbs over my stomach. Why is he quiet? Is he even listening? “I’m also not the one who avoided me in downtown, or the one who literally begged me to fuck them after acting like seeing me here was the end of the fucking world.”

“What the fuck do you want?”

He blows up. “I’m not your shitty boyfriend. I don’t need anyone. Sometimes I just need to get fucked, that’s it. That’s all. Got a problem with it, you fucking idiot?”

I pull in my top lip and finally let my eyes drop away from him among the plaid comforter’s creases and wrinkles. How could I be so stupid? It’s been so obvious. It’s been there, pushed away in the back of my mind this entire time. Why does it take him yelling it in my face to accept it?

“’Kay,”

I mutter. “If that’s how you feel.”

I let myself make eye contact again. The ice in his blue eyes is so cold, like frostbite to my soul. Why do you have to be so beautiful in my mind? He doesn’t answer either that or my spoken words. He simply stares back.

“Sorry for being such a problem,”

I huff and swing around. I swallow as if it could push down the feelings in my chest once I’m facing away from him.

“Kolton…I…”

His voice fades behind me.

Just ignore him. I can’t do this anymore. Just go.

* * *

“It needs to be bigger than that,”

Logan says.

He’s been directing more than helping the snowman building. I think he’s also had a few drinks. He’s a bit more free than his usual self. I’m okay with it though. After the freight train of a reality smack earlier I don’t want to think. Just tell me what to do and things will be better. Thinking hasn’t been helping me much lately.

“Duh,”

Madison huffs while she helps me roll the ball of snow we’ve carved out through more snow. “Go get some branches for the arms.”

“Ooh, perfect.”

He bounces and then bounds away like some freaking antelope to the edge of the forest to gather his branches and twigs.

“If he gives me one more command I’m going to punch him,”

Madison complains.

“Yeah,”

I say dryly.

“Cheer the fuck up,”

Madison commands and nudges me hard enough to knock me off balance.

I topple over into the snow. My usual instinct is to struggle to get up, but I think my instincts are broken. I don’t bother trying. I just resign to my new place on the earth, on my back, facing a crystal-clear blue sky. I laugh. My stomach bounces, and for some reason that makes me laugh more. What is happening? Why am I laughing? It’s so blue though, and pretty and calm. Hopeful. Is it myself? Am I laughing at me? I don’t even know, it’s like I’m me and not me at the same time, but there’s a calm I just—

“Shit,”

I blurt when out of nowhere Madison jumps on top of me, and my air blasts between my lips with a gasp.

“You’re being such a bore!”

she complains. She smacks my arm and rolls off into the snow.

“Sorry,” I huff.

It’s quiet for maybe five seconds. Five seconds of trying not to think about any of it and just enjoy the sky, before she talks again.

“Come on, Kolt!”

She nudges me. “I know it sucks, but what did you expect?”

“This.” I admit.

It’s one of those stupid things. You go in knowing it’s a bad idea, like a really bad idea, but that stupid muscle in your chest—and maybe the one between the legs—screams louder than your brain can even attempt, and the next thing you know you’re screwed. Left wondering what the hell you did wrong, only to come back to a simple answer. Hope. I hoped.

Madison huffs. I can barely see her face moving in the corner of my vision. Her hand raises and I think she touches her head.

“Yeah, well, you got it,” she says.

“You know you’re really bad at this, right?”

I tell her, still staring at the blue overhead.

“Yeah,”

she admits.

“Aren’t you supposed to, like, console me or something?”

I turn to look at her.

She shrugs. “In your defense you didn’t know he would be here.”

“Exac—”

“But!”

she interrupts. “But maybe you shouldn’t have stayed in the same room when you found out.”

“What was I going to do? I had no choice! ‘Oh hey, boss, I can’t room with your son because I fucked the shit out of him and then he ignored me, but I couldn’t stop thinking of him, so this is a bad idea’?”

“Maybe not exactly like that,”

she admits. “You could have said you’d rather room with me though.”

“Then they’d all think we were fucking,” I say.

“They know you’re gay,”

Madison says.

“And yet he still put me with his son?”

I ask, the words forming slowly like some brilliant thought just formed in my head. Then it clicks. “He told me they don’t know he’s gay, or bi, or whatever. That explains why he’s so defensive. Why he disappears.”

“Bingo.”

Madison bounces up into a sitting position and looks down at me. “And it all comes together.”

“But, maybe—”

“No.”

She puts her finger an inch from my face. “No. Stop. Don’t get your hopes up.”

“Hope.”

I repeat the word. She’s right. “Yeah.”

“What the hell are you two doing?”

Logan’s voice sinks in around us. “The snowman is never going to get built if you’re going to sleep.”

“We’re not sleeping,”

I throw my voice into the air.

“Oh,”

Logan says, stopping beside us, looking at Madison then me.

Finally, I sit up and huff. He’s got an armful of twigs. Either he’s making sure we have options, or he thinks snowmen have like eight arms.

“Why don’t you try pitching in a little,”

I suggest.

“That’s a great idea,” he says.

I look at Madison and we’ve both got the same squint going. Like, the fuck? I’d swear he’s high, not drunk.

“I want whatever he’s on,”

I tell her, and she nods.

By the time I’m on my feet and helping Madison up, the center mass of our snowman has three arms and counting. One on the left and two on the right. Logan’s looking it over like something isn’t exactly right, but he can’t figure it out.

“Uh…”

I skew my jaw. “Three arms?”

“That’s it!”

Logan bops his head like it’s obvious, and instead of taking one off, he puts another on the left.

“Uh, yeah. Perfect,”

Madison says. “Alien snowman?”

I shrug and realize there’s someone approaching. Their feet crunch in the snow behind us, coming from the cabin. I turn. It’s Xander. He’s struggling through the calf-high snow, bundled in a massive gray ski jacket and boots that look like they’re meant more for high fashion than trekking through the snow. Oddly enough he’s also got a tacky green and red elf hat with the little golden bell hanging from the top.

What is he doing out here? I mean, it’s his place, but why is he coming over here?

“Mind if I join you?”

Xander asks once he’s a few feet away.

I almost answer, but Madison beats me to it.

“Sure, come on.”

She waves him over.

“Thanks,”

he says, and finally he’s next to the snowman, at least what’s built of it. “Looks like he needs some work.”

“Lots,”

Logan nods. “Maybe some more arms.”

“I don’t know about that.”

Madison reaches over and takes the bundle of twigs from his arms and places them behind her. “Maybe a head though.”

“Ah!”

Logan seems amazed by the prospect.

“Uh—”

Xander cocks his head.

“Don’t ask.”

Madison shrugs.

Xander nods without question and starts to roll snow in his hands, building a ball for the head.

Why is he out here? I try not to make eye contact.

What the fuck is he doing out here? The nerve.

I grind my teeth together, trying to think of a good excuse to leave.

He made it abundantly clear he didn’t want anything to do with me, the fucking idiot, so why come out where clearly he could see I’m at? It doesn’t make any sense.

As much as I want to leave, I don’t.

Instead, I take peeks from time to time as he gathers more snow, trying to be casual, then looking back to the snowman or Madison.

His presence is excruciating and wanted at the same time.

My head is in a civil war with my heart.

It’s engaged in a full-on barrage, trying to pelt my heart into submission with reason and experience, reality, while my heart begs it to listen to the possibilities of hope like a relentless warrior in love with the enemy, screaming that maybe he’s just scared.

Shit.

Maybe I am an idiot, but part of me wants to apologize.

I shouldn’t have rushed in on him like that or gone all emotional on him.

Maybe I didn’t deserve to be treated like he did, but I know I’m not completely blameless. And yeah, I let a little hope and stupid desire get the best of me. That’s on me too.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur.

All eyes jump to me, and construction on our little snowman comes to a halt.

“Huh?”

Logan asks.

I don’t know if that was an I don’t know what you said ‘huh’ or a why the hell did you say that ‘huh.’ I shake my head at Logan, hoping he’s not too high—or whatever he is—to understand, and look directly at Xander. His blue eyes are gorgeous in this winter white and the clear blue above us.

“I’m sorry,”

I say to him directly.

“Huh?”

he grunts too, and his eyes twitch.

“Hey Logan, let’s go get some more twigs.”

Madison pats Logan on the back. That’s when it finally hits me I probably shouldn’t be doing this in front of them. Thanks, Maddie. “Our alien snowman needs more legs, I think.”

“But we have mo—”

“No, not those,”

Madison urges and pushes him away with her. “He needs long, strong legs.”

After they’re gone, Xander clears his throat and takes a single step toward me, leaving a good six feet between us.

“Why are you sorry?” he asks.

“This morning. I shouldn’t have barged in like that and started in on you,”

I say. His face contorts in confusion, so I start spewing, trying to explain. “You owe me nothing. My ex—the fucking whore he is—screwed me over. Well, actually he let everyone screw him behind my back, and I just…I’ve never—”

“Wait.”

He stops me. “I should be the one apologizing. Actually…that’s why I came out here. And that’s, uh…horrible. I didn’t know.”

I huff in agreement, but then the first part kicks in.

“You?”

That’s not what I expected.

“Yeah,”

he sighs. “I was a dick in there. I’ve been a dick ever since we met.”

I grumble and roll my head in agreement, ending it with a laugh.

“Okay now.”

He grins. It’s a beautiful sight. “Seriously though, I have been. And I lied. You’re not an idiot. You’re actually sort of sweet. Me, though. I am an asshole. Guess I’m… I don’t know.”

“Afraid?”

I suggest. His eyes light up and he locks onto me. “Have you tried talking to your family about it?” I ask.

“Nah. I know they’re not stuck in the 1900s like some, but Dad has expectations.”

Xander shrugs. He’s been doing that a lot.

“I can see that, but it’s not all for him,” I say.

“Yeah. Just not got there yet,” he says.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do, but you’re standing up to him by going to school for film, so you have what it takes to do it. Just take your time, and maybe don’t ghost every guy who shows a little interest.” I smile.

“Yeah,” he says.

“Maybe we can finish putting this snowman together, together.”

It feels weird to say at first, but I go with it. This is a step, at least. It makes more sense and maybe it means nothing for me, but it sure beats screaming at each other. “And in case you hadn’t figured it out already, I like you. At least a little.”

“I did,”

he laughs, and helps me lift the ball of snow he’d formed a minute ago.

We carefully set it atop the two bigger snowballs, and I make sure it’s going to sit good. Once it’s steady I step back and observe our handiwork, wondering if he might say more.

“Incoming!”

Xander yells a second before a snowball crashes into my shoulder.

“What the—”

I start, then realize it was him who threw it. “You little bitch.”

“Bitch?”

He acts insulted.

I scoop a handful of snow and launch it at him as soon as it’s compacted.

“You liked being called that the other night.”

I grin as the snow bursts against his jacket.

“So that’s how this is going to be?”

He dips to get another handful of snow.

I do the same. “Of course.”

He catapults another snowball, then one comes flying over my head, barely missing me, and crashes into the snow next to Xander. Xander’s smacks me in the face and I tumble back. Madison and Logan have joined the fight.

“Shit!”

I blurt as my butt tackles the ground. “It’s war now!”

“Oh fuck.”

Xander grins.

“Maddie, you’re with me,”

I yell, and the snowball wars begin.

* * *

I crawl onto the couch and pull my blankets over my shoulders.

Xander is in the bathroom now that I’ve finished up.

I can hear the shower running.

Why can’t I get the thought of joining him out of my mind? Why do I suddenly feel like a total dick for it too? What is with me?

Especially after today.

It started off insane.

Horrible.

First, I found out we’re stuck here.

Then it sank in that I was stuck here with him, followed by an almost literal screaming contest.

Then he apologized, well, we apologized to each other, and the day changed.

We finished building our snowman.

I took the crazy little elf hat Xander had been wearing and put it atop our snowman’s head.

It seemed more appropriate there, and we also managed to turn it back into a regular snowman with only two arms when Logan wasn’t looking.

Oh, and we found out he’d been smoking a weed vape before we’d come out that morning.

Which, lucky for us, meant he shared later, so we spent the next hour, maybe it was two, on the back porch, talking in blissful peace.

I toss, flinging my blankets off my feet by accident.

God, really? Bending down, I pull them back over my legs and try to get comfortable again.

It’s not working.

I want to be asleep, or at least convincingly asleep, by the time Xander comes out of the bathroom.

Today was amazing, but there was still this tension, an awkwardness throughout the evening.

We’re not a thing.

We just apologized.

Sure, I confessed I like him, but that doesn’t mean it’s reciprocated, or that he’s ready.

He is still closeted with his family, which I know is a bad idea for me.

Every time anyone other than Maddie was around after the snowman, he’d step away from me.

It’s not like we were all up on each other, holding hands or fucking in broad daylight.

We were standing near each other, just like I do with anyone, but it was like he was horrified anyone might think something.

So it’s best I just play things cool and try not to push any.

Hell, it’s probably best not to pursue him at all, despite how much I want to.

Does it make a difference that he apologized?

The bathroom door creaks open and light spills into the room.

Dammit, he must have finished while I was lost in my head.

His footsteps pat the wooden floor behind me, and I hear the big comforters on the bed moving.

I don’t stir.

Hell, I barely breathe.

Just go to sleep. Stop thinking about him, or anything for that matter. Sleep!

My mind doesn’t listen worth a shit though.

What if he’s just scared still? Should I say something? Maybe it’s up to me to say something. Maybe the only way he’ll feel comfortable is if I try. But what if he doesn’t want that? What if he just wants a truce and he doesn’t think of me like I do him? That would be so embarrassing. I can’t do a fling again with him though. I want him too much to bear that anymore.

“Kolton.”

His voice is quiet, unexpected.

“Yeah?”

I say, without moving.

The urge to sit up and face him is strong, but it’s just another thing I have to fight. Whatever he has to say, he’s just being friendly. That’s probably all it is.

“You can sleep in the bed,”

Xander says.

“It’s okay.”

I force myself to say. Do I want to feel the warmth radiating from his body? Yes. Do I want to feel the softness of his skin under my palm? Yes. Is it what I need though, and is it what he wants? No.

The room goes back into its winter silence. There are no whooshes of wind to rap against the windows or birds cawing tonight. It’s nothing more than the occasional groan of wood under the weight of a snow-covered roof. It’s maddening. I want him to say more. I want to say more, but I need to keep my mouth shut.

“Please.”

The word is barely audible, a tiny whisper carried carefully to me ears. My chest stirs at the need conveyed in that one word. It doesn’t sound like passion or sexual desire. No. It sounds almost timid, scared even, like he needs someone to comfort him.

I lift onto my elbow and twist my neck to see his form outlined under the bedsheets. It’s impossible to tell if he’s looking at me in the dark, but I feel like he is.

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“Yes.”

Xander doesn’t hesitate.

What has changed? Has anything changed? Please don’t play with my heart.

Stop thinking so much and just go. It doesn’t matter why he wants me there. It only matters that he seems to need it. I can be whatever he needs me to be for the night and rebuild myself in the morning if I need to.

I get up, leaving my blanket behind, and make my way around the bed. He’s looking at me as I come around, eyes dark and sad in the night. I pause a moment before pulling the covers back and slipping in beside him. I don’t move in close. Instead, I keep my distance but position myself on my side, looking at him as I pull the covers up over my chest. There is something so different in his gaze now that I can see him more clearly.

“You okay?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

He shrugs.

It’s not convincing, but I don’t question it. He’ll tell me if there is something up. My job is stop trying to figure him out.

“Today was good,”

Xander says.

Instinct is to ask why and show my confusion, but I manage to hold it back. He seemed so scared, timid most of the day.

“It was,”

I say instead.

“Look,”

Xander huffs, and now I’m worried. “I don’t know how I feel about much of anything right now. Not you. Not school. My dad’s hopes. Any of it. I don’t, but as much as I push you away…I-I don’t know, I just…I like it when you’re around.”

“Really?”

I smile and skew my brow. I almost say something sarcastic about believing him, but I hold it back.

“Yes,”

he laughs, which means he’s smiling too. I’ll take that.

“Could have fooled me,”

I joke, mostly.

“I know, I know! And I’m sorry.”

He dips his chin to his chest.

My smile lightens into something gentler, and I scoot closer and tap my forehead against his. He twitches, and for a moment I think I made the wrong move, but he doesn’t pull away.

“You probably won’t believe this, but I think about you a lot. I can’t tell you how many times I almost called you back. I should have…but I…I just always stopped myself.”

He huffs and his breath layers my face in heat. “It’s scary.”

“Scary?”

I ask, even though I’m the last person who should question that. Shit, what have I been doing the past year? Running from anything that resembled love or commitment, from anything that could hurt me.

“Yeah. You know? Like, I know who I am. I think I know what I want in life for the most bit, but actually taking it is different.”

He looks up and locks eyes with me. “And then there’s my family. It’s crazy, too, I know they wouldn’t care that I’m a man-lover, but it just feels like there’s a part of them it would disappoint. They won’t get grandkids from me. That type of thing.”

“Well, first,”

I say more confidently, “adoption is a thing, so I wouldn’t worry too much about the grandkids part.”

He laughs and nods against my forehead.

“True,”

he says. “I’m just scared.”

“I get that,”

I tell him. I know it well. I think I’ve just been hiding it in anger. “I’m not going to give you my life story—yet—but I understand. This shit is hard, even when it shouldn’t be, but that’s also life, in a way. Believe me, moving up to Boone was not my idea of a great time, but it was my best path forward.”

And I found you. It’s what I want to say, but I hold it back.

“Yeah.”

He nods and grins nervously. “Would you just hold me tonight?”

“Of course,”

I say. I breathe in a gulp of new air, filling my lungs with the pride of being the one whose arms he wants to be in.

Xander smiles. “Thank you,”

he whispers before he turns over. He lets me scoot closer until my chest is pressed lightly against his back. I carefully bring my arm over his side and wrap it around his stomach. When my palm touches his skin, a flutter wings its way up my arm, and I squeeze him. Just enough to say I’m here.

“Good night, Kolt,”

he says, shortening my name for the first time.

I close my eyes and nuzzle my nose into the back of his neck.

“Night, Xander.”