Page 40 of The Monday Night Heartbreak Club

He sighed. ‘Sorry. I’m not good at these kinds of conversations.

I wish Mum could have stuck around a bit longer and told me how this all works.

’ Flynn took a deep breath. ‘I am, in my clumsy and not very practised way, trying to say that you’ve been a bit distant lately.

Having been on the wrong end of a woman being…

distracted, chiefly by working out how to scam me, I get twitchy around distraction.

And then I don’t know what to say or how to say it. Sorry,’ he repeated.

I was so gobsmacked by his insecurity and his obvious attempt to feign nonchalance that I just stood with my mouth open and looked at him. Gorgeous, dark Flynn, with his quiet solidity and intelligence, like a black hole with a vocabulary. ‘Seriously?’ was all I could say.

He shrugged. ‘I thought, maybe, now that you’re getting yourself sorted and that bastard of an ex is locked away, maybe you’d be having second thoughts.

And I must admit to an uncharitable contemplation about just how attractive I am as a partner, now I’ve told Dad that I don’t want to rely on him any more. ’

I didn’t like to say that I’d been having similar thoughts about him. Flynn and I both needed to learn to talk to one another.

‘Flynn, it’s not about the money. Well, it sort of is, because we’ve got to make a living, but…

’ I was aghast. ‘It was never about who you are. I didn’t know who you are.

’ I made my way over to him. He was averting his eyes now, concentrating ferociously on the dreadful carpet tiles.

‘I honestly can’t believe that you think that I’m the sort of person who would only be with you because of who you are. ’

He shrugged again and twitched the cuff of his shirt. ‘I don’t.’ Now he met my eyes and his expression was one of tortured wariness. ‘I really don’t. But I never know what you’re thinking, Fee. You’ve got this kind of closed-off expression sometimes and it’s impossible to read.’

‘Of course I’ve got a closed-off expression, half my face was stitched up so tightly that I smile like only half of me is happy.

And smiling hurts.’ Of course I was closed off, I’d had a lifetime of being taunted by my brother for having emotions of any kind, and then bullied by Dexter if I dared show anything other than a type of wired ecstasy.

Not showing any negative emotion had been beaten into me, and the positive ones had gone along for the ride.

Showing how I was feeling was another of those things, like walking properly, that I needed to learn.

‘I’m sorry. I’ve spent a lifetime keeping everything to myself.

I’m finding it hard to realise I don’t have to.

And it feels as though you are realising the same thing.

God, we’re really crap at this “communication” thing, aren’t we? Flynn, can you just trust me?’

‘I love you,’ he muttered to the floor again.

‘And I know your life has been a bit unconventional this far. But I’m not this rich guy whose life has been all plain sailing up to now.

I’ve got my own demons.’ Those huge black eyes came back up to mine and held them this time.

‘But if you can stamp on your demons, I reckon I can give mine a hard time too, don’t you? ’

He crossed the floor and his arms were suddenly around me in the kind of hug that was so tight it almost hurt.

I put my obedient arm around him. My other one hung in its brace, my constant reminder of what had happened, limp and unavailable.

‘Flynn, I will tell you what I’ve got in my head, but I need the others here first,’ I said, muffled against his neck.

‘But you’re not dumping me.’ He sounded a little bit lighter now.

‘No. I am not dumping you.’

‘I’m sorry.’

I stared at him. ‘What on earth have you got to be sorry about?’

‘Oh, I don’t know. A ridiculous inability to cope with rejection? A predisposition to always fear the worst?’

‘My ex blew up your bar! You didn’t see that one coming, did you?’ I could feel the smile beginning to make its lopsided way across my face. ‘A little bit of fearing the worst is to be expected, under the circumstances.’

‘True, true.’ He moved back a little and I could see he was smiling now too, a complicated sort of smile that showed relief and guilt and self-loathing and despair all mixed together with that dark-eyed watchfulness. ‘Life has taken a turn for the unexpected since I met you.’

I let those words sink in. Unexpected. I quite liked that. I liked the idea of being unexpected. Impromptu. Random. It made me feel less of a target.

‘Here they come.’ He glanced out of the window. ‘They’ve all come together, again. Margot really does seem very fond of Fraser, doesn’t she?’

‘I think he’s the son she’s permanently glad she never had.’ I rearranged the crisp bowls for the hundredth time.

‘He’s doing all right for himself now though.’ Another glance. ‘And he’s looking incredibly fit.’

‘Of course he is, he does nothing but train. I hope no beginners are going to look at his muscles and think they can do that in a few weeks. I mean, they can, he’s living proof, but they’d have to have absolutely no other life at all.’

Fraser bounced about on the pavement waiting for Margot and Wren, and then charged for the stairs to the flat like an overenthusiastic dog. They followed more slowly, hand in hand and smiling.

‘They’re only getting fucking married!’ Fraser said, bursting the door open like the Sweeney.

‘They probably want to tell us that themselves,’ I said, tactfully, but Fraser had seen the bowls of crisps and launched himself through the doorway. We waited for Margot and Wren and tried to look surprised when they held up their left hands, wearing identical engagement rings.

‘There’s no point in waiting,’ Margot said, following our congratulations. ‘We’re both aware of how short and fragile life is.’

‘Yeah,’ Fraser said, around crisps. ‘We could all have died in that explosion.’

‘Thank you, Fraser. So, we decided—are you all right, Fee?’

Here was where I found out whether I had a future or not. ‘I’ve had an idea,’ I said.

Flynn grabbed my hand.

‘Oh yeah?’ Another handful of crisps went down and Fraser was looking around for more.

‘Annie’s coming in a minute,’ I added, obviously surprising everyone. ‘I think she should be part of this.’ I looked at the clock. ‘Any minute now.’

‘Eddie’s probably getting the car out,’ Wren said, and the four of them nodded, as though they were privy to the extreme conditions that seemed to be involved in this action.

While we waited, I served more snacks, mainly to stop Fraser from bouncing on the sofa, and Margot and Wren outlined their wedding plans.

‘We thought a small local ceremony,’ Margot said. ‘And we would be honoured if you two would be our witnesses.’ She patted my hand and smiled at Flynn.

‘I’m giving them both away,’ Fraser said happily. ‘I offered to raffle them instead though.’

‘And then we shall honeymoon in the Seychelles,’ Margot went on.

‘Here’s Annie,’ I said gratefully. The conspicuous consumption being discussed made me feel a little bit wobbly, when I lived this uncertain life in a cheap flat and, currently, with no job.

Disability payments were slow in coming and I refused to let Flynn pay for everything, which meant I had to do something, and quickly.

Annie and Eddie came up the stairs slightly cautiously. They’d never been to the flat before and clearly thought they might be in the wrong place. We could hear them questioning each other all the way up and their evident relief when Flynn opened the door was slightly amusing.

‘Nice to see you looking so well, Fee, dear,’ Annie said.

She was either lying or she didn’t get out much, because, despite Flynn’s assurances to the contrary, I still didn’t look great.

I knew I was pale, that the bruising was slow to subside and the broken cheekbone had made half my face swell, which was also slow to subside.

I looked as though death would have been an improvement.

‘We brought you these.’ Eddie awkwardly jutted a bunch of hyacinths at me. ‘From the garden.’

‘Eddie’s got it looking lovely, haven’t you?’ Annie said, with pride.

We all avoided looking at Eddie. I put the flowers in water and everyone sat down, apart from Fraser, who was still snaffling crisps and nuts from various bowls.

‘I’ve had an idea,’ I said. ‘After what you said the other week about helping get Dexter put away. We don’t need to worry about that any more, incidentally, the police have enough to lock him up for quite a while.’

Everyone made ‘oh, that is a relief’ noises.

Flynn was watching me from the far side of the room, where he’d stationed himself by the window again almost as though he were preparing to jump.

I wondered about his earlier insecurity.

But then, he’d been wealthy all his life, girlfriends taking advantage of him must have become his default.

It was no wonder he worried. But I was about to show that I’d thought about our future and I hoped he’d realise that it meant I was serious about earning my own money, serious about keeping us both without having to go cap-in-hand to Andrew.

I’d had enough of looking to other people for my happiness.

As to looking to other people for help – well, I was about to give that a try for the first time in my life.

I waved my one working hand at the stack of books that stood under the table.

‘What?’ Fraser said. ‘We’re not starting a book club, are we? I told you, I got dyslexia.’

‘No. I got those a while ago, but I’ve been flicking through them.’ I pulled a couple out. The Practical Handbook for Professional Investigators, and Private Investigator Study Guide and Practice Test Questions for Private Investigator Exams. Flynn was still staring at me.

‘I thought you’d given that idea up,’ he said. ‘With you being… well, not as mobile as you were.’