Page 14

ON SUNDAY morning, Rowan wakes to the warmth of the sun on his face and the faint chirping of birds from the nearby trees. Despite the exertion and excitement of last night, his body feels sated, relaxed in a way he hasn’t in a long time.

He has nothing planned today aside from laundry and meal prep for the week. And seeing how long he can go without jerking his dick raw at the memories of last night. As soon as he thinks about it, there’s a slow spreading heat in his belly and groin, his cock plumping up at the thought of Mal on his knees, mouth tight around him, eyes dark with arousal.

It’s enough to get him to reach beneath his comforter and grope himself through his briefs. He’s already half hard and well on his way to losing the bet he made with himself, but fuck it, he’s feeling good and in no hurry to end that any time soon. He keeps his touch light, teasing almost, and lets his thighs spread and his body sink further into his mattress as the memories of last night flit through his mind like an old film reel, slightly hazy but clear enough to remember the important details.

Like how Mal looked up at him with the coil of rope pulled taut between his hands. Like how he whined so beautifully nearly every time Rowan touched him. Like how he asked permission to come, then immediately came around Rowan’s cock.

God.

Rowan’s partial chub perks up as he palms himself, and all too quickly he’s achingly hard and the indirect touch isn’t enough. He slips his hand under the waistband of his briefs, breath catching when he finally circles his cock. With a firm grip, he gives himself two long pumps, and he’s so turned on but hasn’t even been hard long enough for there to be enough precome to ease his motions. He rolls to the side with a huff, hand still down his briefs, and pumps the bottle of lube he has laid on his nightstand.

He hadn’t intended on jerking off this early in the day, but now that his hand’s slick with lube, it’s become a thing , and he’s going to indulge. He shoves his briefs halfway down his thighs with his clean hand, the band catching on his cockhead and making it slap back against his belly. As soon as he gets his hand back on his cock, the heat of it makes the lube nearly melt off.

But fuck, it feels good. His eyes slip closed as he gives himself over to the steady flow of oxytocin through his body as he strokes himself.

Unsurprisingly, his thoughts drift again to Mal. He wonders if he’s at home, lying in his bed, thinking about last night. Wonders if his hair’s mussed up or if he’s one of those people who look neatly coiffed even in sleep. Wonders if his muscles are aching and if he regrets letting Rowan shred his jockstrap. But he especially wonders if Mal had woken up with morning wood, and if it was a slow, lazy spreading of heat like Rowan’s or a raging inferno that had him shoving his hand down his underwear as soon as he was fully conscious.

Wonders if his hole is still loose from last night. God, Rowan can picture it perfectly. One hand on that plump cock of his, pumping away but needing something in him. Needing to feel full . Other hand snaking down between those fucking thick thighs and two fingers sinking into himself. A hitch in his breath.

Rowan makes a tight ring with his thumb and index finger, slipping it down over his cock from tip to base and imagining he’s sinking into Mal. It doesn’t compare, of course, but the mind’s a powerful thing, and if he squeezes his eyes shut harder, he can almost, almost make himself believe that it’s Mal riding him, sinking down onto his cock like he had at the gangbang.

God, he has to get him in that position again. As hot as it is seeing every inch of his cock enter Mal’s perfect ass, he wants to see Mal’s face and all of those subtle expressions he makes that continue to sear themselves into Rowan’s memory.

Eyes scrunched tight, brows knitted together, bitten lower lip releasing into a perfect O as he clenches around Rowan’s cock— fuck .

Rowan grips tighter, precome finally flowing freely enough to further slick his motions, but he’s so turned on that he barely notices, toes curling and legs shaking as he comes, pleasure spreading through him in waves. He lies in the aftermath, come cooling on his belly as his breaths even out, as his body goes limp from the exertion.

Unexpectedly, his phone chimes multiple times in quick succession. He snatches it from his nightstand, worried that someone’s dead or hurt or in jail, but relaxes when he sees they’re all texts from Mal. Lets the slow trickle of warmth in his belly sit there before he tells himself to stop being a fucking idiot and open the texts like a normal person.

He’s clumsy typing in his passcode with his left hand and fails it twice before finally managing to unlock it and swipe to his texts.

[MS] the ultimate guide to kink edited by tristan taormino

[MS] the new topping/bottoming books by janet hardy + dossie easton (good to read both even if you’re not a switch)

[MS] the loving dominant by john warren

[MS] those are good to start

[MS] lotta crap out there too so if you read anything else read some reviews first

The books Mal said he’d send him, of course. Before he replies, he hauls himself out of bed to wash his hands and his stomach and put on a fresh pair of briefs. When he’s done, he types out a quick reply.

[RC] Thanks! I’ll check those out

He looks over the list again. The last title surprises him. After all, isn’t loving kind of the opposite of what you’d want from a Dom? Sure, some people might be into that, but from what Mal has told him and from their few times together so far, it seems like he wants Rowan to be rough with him. Aggressive, almost. Make him beg and work for his release.

He pulls out his laptop and searches all the titles on Amazon, starting with The Loving Dominant , and adds them all to his cart, barely blinking at the price. He still has a few days left on his thirty-day Prime trial that he’d started a couple weeks ago, so thankfully he gets free two-day shipping.

Biting his lip, he picks up his phone, contemplating sending something else to Mal. He wants to text him more. Wants to have a conversation about how Mal first found the books, when he read them, how often he seeks out new material, if at all. Wants to ask him what else he likes to read besides kink books. But instead, he gets a brief flashback to the gangbang, to something Mal had said to one of the men, and he laughs to himself a bit and doesn’t think before he types:

[RC] I recall you saying something about fifty shades at the gb, that any good?

He punctuates the text with a smiley face emoji wearing sunglasses.

Mal’s response comes immediately.

[MS] fuck off

Rowan laughs, a pleasant lightness spreading through his chest imagining Mal rolling his eyes at the text, but it’s cut short when he realizes that he fucked up, because now there’s really nowhere for this conversation to go without Rowan forcing it.

So instead, he settles on sending another trusty emoji—this time a hand making an ok symbol—and laments not trusting himself and asking Mal more about his reading, or anything else that would keep them talking.

Sighing, he rolls out of bed and heads to the bathroom to pee, brush his teeth, and wash his face. He skips a shower because it’s Sunday, he has nowhere to be, and he’d showered last night at the club.

He makes his way to the kitchen, lured by the scent of freshly brewed coffee, thanks to the timer on his coffee machine. It might not be the fanciest model, but he’d grown up with a dingy, yellow-stained coffee maker that you had to slap the side of halfway through brewing to get it to stop sputtering. Now he has a milk frother, though he’s only ever used it a couple of times.

He pours himself a cup and takes a long sip, eyes slipping closed at the taste. It reminds him of the diner—Sheila’s—though he hasn’t actually had their coffee, given that he’s only been there twice with Mal, both times late at night.

He wonders if Mal likes coffee.

WHILE HE’S eating lunch a few hours later, to his surprise (and delight), Mal texts him again.

[MS] shibari class is gonna be on saturday the 8th at 6

[MS] that work for you?

Rowan sucks the juice from the tomato in his sandwich off his fingers, wipes his hands on his sweatpants, and swipes to his calendar app. That’s more than a month from now, meaning he and Mal will have several scenes before then. It should be enough time to get to know him a little better and for him to gain some more confidence as Mal’s Dom.

[RC] Yeah, that’s perfect

[RC] How long is it?

[MS] should be 2 hours

[MS] we can still scene if you’re up for it after

[RC] Yeah definitely

[RC] Probably not with rope though, I wanna be able to practice before we use it for real

[MS] yeah it’ll be better if you practice

[MS] i’ll bring some of mine to take home if you want

There’s a flutter in Rowan’s stomach that he blames on the copious amount of sriracha he’d squirted in his sandwich.

[RC] That would be great!

[RC] Thanks

Unsurprisingly, Mal doesn’t respond to Rowan’s text or the sunglasses emoji he tacks on, so he sends another text, this time determined to keep the conversation going.

[RC] Btw, is there anything you wanna do next time?

It takes Mal a few minutes to respond.

[MS] let’s use the beads i showed you

[MS] i’ll bring those and my cuffs too

[MS] and i wanna get you off with my mouth

The texts come one after the other, barely any time between them, each one like a punch to Rowan’s chest that nearly gets him hard again.

[RC] Ok. Any position you wanna be cuffed in?

[RC] And do you wanna be cuffed the whole time or just part of it? Like how long can you go for w/o being uncomfortable

[MS] behind my back

[MS] and i can go a while but let’s work up to that. probably use the beads first then cuff me for the rest

[RC] Got it

Rowan taps the side of his phone, debating sending his next text. Mal had said this was a two-way street—their Dom/sub relationship. And he knows that, but he still feels a bit weird asking for things he wants. So far everything they’ve done he’s enjoyed, and honestly he’d rather let Mal take the metaphorical reins while they’re still getting used to each other.

From the bit of research he’s done online so far, he knows that for some partners, their ultimate goal is to know exactly what the other wants and needs at any given moment, and to deliver that. Rowan doesn’t know how realistic that is for them, or for pairs in general, but the idea of getting to that level of comfort and trust with Mal makes him giddy.

He sends the text.

[RC] How do you feel about ass to mouth btw?

[MS] as long as it’s my own ass it’s hot

[MS] don’t really trust mfers i don’t know

[MS] why, you wanna do that?

[RC] Well yeah I wasn’t thinking of anyone else’s

It’s pretty hard to focus on anyone else’s ass when Mal’s is right in front of him.

[RC] And yeah if you’re cool with it

[MS] yeah

His excitement simmers, the week-away anticipation stagnating when he remembers something Mal said to him in the diner last night: I think we can do better.

[RC] Hey so when you said we could do better yesterday, is there something more you want from me?

[RC] I mean obviously I’m gonna get better and learn you as we go but like is there anything specifically I can do next time?

Waiting on Mal’s response, he takes another bite of his long-forgotten sandwich.

[MS] be rougher

As his phone lights up on the table, Rowan’s fingers clench, soft bread dimpling in his hands.

[MS] and meaner

A sharp squeeze and a cucumber slides out onto his plate. Rowan drops the rest of his lunch with it, quickly picking up his phone as Mal texts him again.

[MS] seemed like you might’ve been holding back a bit

[MS] don’t

[MS] assuming you like that and you’re not more of a soft dom

And yeah, Rowan won’t lie. He did want to be rougher. Meaner , as Mal put it . He wants to see how far he can push Mal, how desperate he can get him, how quickly and completely he can make him lose it. Like a deep-seated itch he only now realized was there but he can’t quite scratch yet. With shaking fingers, Rowan types out his reply.

[RC] I was worried it’d be too much

[MS] that’s typical for new doms

[MS] and it makes sense while we’re still getting the hang of things

[MS] don’t get me wrong yesterday was fuckin hot

[MS] wouldn’t still be talking to you if it wasn’t

[MS] but i can take a lot more than you gave, at least within the confines of the shit we talked about after the gb

[RC] Okay. Are you looking for rougher/meaner in terms of what I do physically or just for dirty talk or both?

[MS] both

[MS] i like a bit of humiliation/shaming like i said before

[MS] and having you threaten to take shit away last week was hot. not always the best route to take with subs especially if they got abandonment issues or whatever but it’s good with me

[MS] don’t wanna be fucking human furniture though cause i do like pushing back still

Rowan has to pause to look up ‘human furniture,’ which he instantly regrets. He swipes back to his text conversation with Mal.

[RC] Yikes at the human furniture shit

[RC] And okay I can do that. You said you liked being praised too, but not right away right?

[MS] yeah. i’ll ask for something like that outright, usually the day of the scene if i’m in a certain kind of headspace

Though they’ve talked pretty extensively about sex and play at this point, it still catches Rowan off guard to hear Mal talk so openly about it. It strikes him that Mal knows exactly what he likes and doesn’t like, exactly how he reacts to certain things (and most likely why he does), and is completely comfortable sharing that with him, still a near stranger. He knows how to read his own moods and determine what kind of treatment he wants from his partner, and it’s something that Rowan both admires and envies. Hopefully, as he keeps doing research and keeps playing with Mal, he’ll find his own balance.

[RC] Sounds good. Looking forward to next week!

[MS] me too

The flutter comes unbidden to Rowan’s stomach, and he lets it linger as long as it wants to.

They have their plan, then . Mal wants Rowan to cuff him this time. Bind his hands. Come in his mouth. Be rougher with him. Meaner.

Rowan can’t fucking wait .

WHEN THE books he’d ordered from Amazon finally come in on Tuesday, he tears open the package and immediately starts reading The Loving Dominant. The cover is a little trashy, looking like a blurry still from a vintage porno, but both Mal and the reviews online had said it was great for new Doms.

He learns a hell of a lot from reading it. First and foremost that there’s actually a difference between being a top and being a Dom—namely that the latter demands some kind of power exchange with a sub. And he might have known that instinctively, but actually reading it makes him realize that he has much to learn about this whole lifestyle.

It makes Rowan reflect on why he’s doing this with Mal when before he met him he hadn’t had much of an interest in it at all. On why he’s so intrigued by being in control and exerting that control over someone who allows him to do so.

Given the title of the book, it’s not surprising that right out of the gate, it talks about what actually makes someone a good Dominant. And from it he learns that people who put others first, especially when it comes to pleasure, tend to make good Doms.

The book’s author suggests that for him the pleasure of being a Dom comes from the desire to give pleasure to his sub beyond what regular, vanilla sex could accomplish, and to give himself the ability to be in nearly complete control. And when Rowan does some introspection, he finds that both those ideas jive pretty well with him and his reasons for enjoying being a Dom, even with the little experience he has with it so far.

It feels like a confirmation of sorts. Validation, maybe. That he’s not some psycho who gets off on pushing people around, but that the desire to do so comes from the intense, core-deep need to please. He’s never wanted to cause pain or take something from someone that wasn’t freely given. Never wanted to do anything that couldn’t directly be traced back to his innate need to help and take care of others. It’s why he’d wanted to be a doctor when he was younger. Why he’s now a paramedic.

Like he’d told Mal, he wants to heal , not to hurt.

There’s a line in the very beginning of the book that piques his interest and stays in the back of his mind as he devours page after page. Something about sexual appetites being a lot like chocolate sauce on pizza; it’s not for everyone, and people may not understand entirely why they like it, but it doesn’t make their desires any less real or valid.

Rowan thinks that chocolate on pizza sounds pretty gross, but then again he’s sure that some people would find some of his and Mal’s sexual desires gross. Like the fact that they met at a gangbang at a sex club and subsequently agreed to meet up once a week to have filthy sex. Or that Rowan actually likes pineapple on his pizza.

The metaphor makes his brain twist a bit, but what it comes down to is that people have different appetites and that he shouldn’t feel weird about the kinds of things he wants, even if they’re not that out there.

As he reads he finds that the book covers everything from the psychological impact of BDSM play, to examples of types of play, to tips on specific techniques, to suggestions for cleaning up after scenes. It’s short but thorough.

There’s even a section that describes the appeal of being a submissive that Rowan reads carefully and makes a mental note to ask Mal about later on. It talks about how a person could find enjoyment in essentially becoming subservient to another and to willingly subject themselves to some sort of pain or discomfort for the sake of physical and mental sexual gratification.

He thinks about Mal asking him to be rough. Be mean.

Admittedly after the spike of arousal had subsided, Rowan had been concerned about Mal asking for him to treat him that way. Namely he’d been concerned about wanting to do that to him. Do that for him as much as for himself. But the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that what the book is saying very much holds true to himself regarding his desires—that they come from a good place, not from a dark place.

It’s not a long read. He’s nearly finished by dinnertime, partly due to him skimming or entirely skipping the portions of the book detailing things that he and Mal had already agreed they weren’t into: pet play, golden showers, and other things that Mal had aptly described as “weird shit” during their first talk.

Different appetites, whatever. Not for the first time, he’s glad they’re on pretty much the same page when it comes to their interests.

There is one part that gives him pause over all the rest, though. Makes him sweat a bit and shift his weight back and forth on the couch.

One bullet in a long list of things you should do with your partner before your first scene; many of which he and Mal had done, but one that Rowan hadn’t really known about and that Mal didn’t bring up.

Talking about any psychological problems.

While the book mentions claustrophobia as an example, Rowan’s mind obviously jumps straight to the diagnoses he’s been dealing with since he was a teenager.

Depression. Later, PTSD. Touch of anxiety.