Page 18 of The Meaning Of You (Fisher & Church #1)

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Madigan

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.

Self-recrimination roared through my brain as Nick Fisher’s kiss devastated my heart. I’d expected it to be quick. A taste, a test, and then regroup. We weren’t hormonal teenagers. We were grown men in our fifties. We had control over our bodies. We did. We fucking did.

Until we didn’t.

Because there was nothing uncertain about the way Nick claimed my mouth. It was fierce and determined and so fucking overwhelming. A tear broke through my lashes and rolled down my cheek. I wanted to scream. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t show him how much this meant. I couldn’t show him what he did to me.

Be cool. Be grown up. Get a grip.

Another tear.

He groaned and dropped his hands, sliding them around my waist, almost lifting me off my feet as his lips crushed against mine. Bitter coffee, a late night, and sweet need exploded over my tongue. I couldn’t move, I could barely fucking breathe, he held me so goddammed tight. That had to mean something, right? The fierceness of it. The all-consuming focus. He had to want me. Maybe not the same as I did him, but it was there. I could feel it. Like he couldn’t get enough.

For months I’d wondered, chastising myself, so sure of the recklessness of my craving, the ridiculous notion that Nick would even be interested so soon on the heels of his loss. But with his mouth finally on mine, there was nowhere to hide, our bodies flush, the ache burning in my dick matched by an undeniable answer from his.

Foolish. Dangerous. It was everything I’d imagined kissing Nick Fisher might feel like and more. He filled my head—his presence, the taste of him on my tongue, the scrape of his morning stubble, the soft grumblings of desire that bubbled from his throat. From mine. An ache I hadn’t felt in years.

I fisted his shirt to hold him where I wanted, but I overbalanced and stumbled back against the arm of the chair. It tore our lips apart, and Nick caught me just before I tumbled.

“So sweet, so lovely,” he murmured against my cheek as his hand slid down to cup my arse and pull me close.

Sweet? Lovely? Oh, hell no. I clamped my hands around his face and nipped his nose. “I am not a fucking birthday card.” I shoved him back against the bookcase and he grunted in surprise. Then I kissed him again, this time on my terms. Hard and demanding, a challenge he seemed to relish.

He pulled free and grinned at me. “My mistake.” Then he bit the soft lobe of my ear and electricity crackled across my skin. His hands found their way under my shirt, and I took the kiss deeper, sliding my dick over his, letting him know he couldn’t hide his arousal. His mouth stuttered on mine and a whimper of my pleasure broke his lips.

We kissed until we ran out of breath and the troubles of the world began to filter back. Until the reality of what we’d done woke our brains up. Until it was time to face the questions we’d been ignoring for too long.

As if we’d read each other’s minds, the pace began to slow, the energy softening until our lips parted. But I stayed in Nick’s arms and he in mine, our foreheads pressed together, eyes closed as we struggled for breath.

Not teenagers? Maybe not. But middle-aged, horny, and with a ton of experience under our belts, we were almost worse. We’d been there enough to know when it worked. When it clicked. When it was going to be fun and maybe a whole lot more. And when it was going to matter.

Nick’s hands remained under my shirt, caressing me gently as they travelled up and down my spine, bursts of pleasure trailing in their wake.

“Well, shit,” he whispered, the rush of his breath warm against my lips. I steeled myself for what came next. Regret. Apology. A fast retreat. Instead, he leaned back and pushed my tousled hair off my face before pressing a kiss to my forehead. “So that happened.” He smiled, broad and devastating. “And no, definitely not a birthday card. My apologies.”

I shoved him playfully. “Damn fucking right. Sweet and lovely? Jesus, Nick. You’re not bestowing gentlemanly favours on me. I’d rail your arse given half a chance.”

He choked on a laugh, but those big black pupils betrayed the arousal he felt at my words. “I’ll bear that in mind.”

And still we didn’t move. Nick, with his back against all my favourite books. Me, right up in his face. Keeping him there. A line formed between his eyebrows and he lifted his fingers to my damp cheek. His frown deepened.

I shrugged. “Must be your cologne.”

He snorted. “Yeah, I find it does that a lot, even when I’m not wearing any.”

Oops.

The crunch of tyres on gravel saved me from responding, and we turned in unison to see a car pulling up in front of the house.

“Shit.” Nick blanched and pushed me away. “It’s Samuel. He’s early.”

I tried not to be offended. It was a complicated situation, I got that. But the sigh broke anyway as I turned for the front door.

I hadn’t taken more than a step when Nick’s hand latched around my wrist. “Wait.”

I turned slowly to face him, one eyebrow raised. He had the grace to look a little sheepish, which I’m not ashamed to say made me feel better. “I’m sorry,” he apologised. “I just... this is a lot for me. You’re a lot. We need to talk. Properly talk. Not like in the studio.”

And there it was. See aforementioned idiot, idiot, idiot . Because no conversation in the history of conversations ever went well after a preface like that. It was inevitably followed by a variation of, it’s not you, it’s me.

But I was far too old for those games and I wasn’t sure my heart wanted to hear it. “There’s absolutely no need.” I let him off the hook. “You’re not ready. You told me as much. I should’ve listened.” I nodded toward the door. “I better let him in.” Again, I turned to leave but Nick’s grip only tightened.

“Please.” He glanced over my shoulder to the driveway. “I don’t regret a second of that kiss, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

My expression must’ve given me away because he added, “Yeah, I thought so. But believe me when I say, that was the hottest kiss I’ve had since—” He flushed. “—well, I’m guessing you know since when. I don’t regret it but that doesn’t mean it’s not messing with my head. So, yes, I want to talk. But talk means talk, not I wish it had never happened , okay?”

I wasn’t sure I believed him but I didn’t have much of a choice. “Okay,” I relented. “We can talk.”

He dropped my wrist and sighed with what I hoped was relief. “Thank you.”

By the time I got to the front door, Samuel was making his way up the path. He had a cat carrier in one hand, a box of pastries in the other, and a companion at his back. I blinked and looked again. Jerry? I spun to Nick, but he looked equally flabbergasted.

Samuel paused on the front step and nodded my way. “Madigan. It’s nice to see you again. I hope this lunk hasn’t been the usual pain in the arse that we all know and despair of.”

“He has.” I relieved Samuel of the box of pastries and waved him inside. “Nothing I can’t handle though.”

“Oi,” Nick bridled.

I ignored him as Samuel swept past and set the cat carrier and backpack on the wooden floor. “Picked you up a few clean clothes while I was at it.” Samuel leaned toward Nick and sniffed. “Holy hell. You stink like a brewery.”

Nick pulled his shirt up to his nose and winced. “Shit. You’re right.” He glanced rosy-cheeked at me but I just grinned.

Jerry moved to join Samuel, adding a clean litter tray, a bag of cat litter, and a box of cat food to the pile.

“You’re early,” Nick grumbled.

Samuel straightened and his eyes narrowed. “Which you’d have known if you bothered answering your damn phone. I’ve been calling since the arse crack of dawn.”

Nick pulled out his phone. “Shit. It’s dead. Sorry. What happened?”

Samuel’s expression tightened. “Someone torched the caravan last night, that’s what.”

My stomach dropped and a worm of fear curled in my belly.

Nick stared at his brother-in-law, thunderstruck. “What?”

“You heard me,” Samuel griped. “Mum rang just before five when she couldn’t reach you. A neighbour called it in before letting her know.” The scowl returned. “We drove straight there, but the van is pretty much history. Nothing but twisted metal and ashes. The firefighters think it’s arson, said the place stank of petrol, but they won’t know for sure until the investigation is complete. Nobody saw anything until it was ablaze, of course. I knew the guy in charge and he told us to go. Said they’d be there for a while until it was safe to leave. Mum’s still the legal owner of the property so I told her to notify the insurance company and call me if she needs me. In the meantime, we wait until the crew are done with it.”

Nick fell back against the door, face pale. “And no one was hurt?”

Samuel sighed. “No, thank goodness.” He looked between us and huffed. “So, the two of you are gonna sit down and tell me exactly what the fuck’s going on. No more bullshit.”

I pointed at Nick. “You need to talk to him.”

Nick shot me a scowl. “Coward.”

I shrugged. “Your brother-in-law is scary.”

“He’s an arsehole is what he is.”

“And damn proud of it.” Samuel looked around, then wandered toward the kitchen leaving the rest of us standing there. “We’ll need to eat and talk at the same time. We missed breakfast, in case you missed that part.”

Jerry cleared her throat, her cheeks rosy. She waggled her fingers. “Hi? Sorry to arrive unannounced but—” She pointed at Samuel who was stalking my kitchen fridge. “—what he said. We did try and call.”

I gave her a warm smile. “You’re welcome any time.”

Nick’s gaze bounced between Samuel and Jerry. “That’s it?” He followed Samuel in the kitchen. “That’s the only explanation you’re gonna give for why you just happen to be with our favourite receptionist this early on a Sunday morning?”

Samuel’s steely gaze turned uncertain and I suddenly couldn’t wait to hear the answer. “It’s none of your damn business.” He glared at Nick.

Jerry rolled her eyes and headed over to join them. Three people in my kitchen. I was starting to feel antsy.

“Samuel and I are fucking,” she announced baldly, like she was dictating a shopping list. “Have been for a while. I’m gonna presume you won’t have a problem with that, Nick, but if you do, I really don’t give a rat’s arse.” She glanced Samuel’s way. “And you better not either.”

I almost laughed at the stunned look on Nick’s face, and Samuel’s expression fit somewhere between horrified and sappy.

“What?” Jerry shrugged, looking between them. “It’s true. Besides, you should’ve told him ages ago, babe.”

Samuel’s eyebrows crawled into his hairline and he shot a sideways glance at Nick, who looked like a cat who’d swallowed the cream.

“No problem at all—” Nick turned to his brother-in-law with a huge grin on his face. “— babe .”

Samuel rolled his eyes. “You are such a dick.”

Jerry shook her head. “Men. You’re children, the lot of you.” She turned and pulled me into a hug. “Nice place you’ve got here, Madigan, although I’m starting to wonder what a woman has to do to get a coffee.”

I snorted. “Pods are in the pantry by the machine. Choose whatever you like and get one for Samuel too, if he wants.”

She patted my arm. “I knew I could rely on you. Don’t let these two bozos hit each other.”

When she was gone, I snatched the phone from Nick’s hand and plugged it in. “Samuel, take a seat. Nick—” I glanced at Shelby who was watching us from the cat carrier with a surly expression on her pretty face. “—put Shelby’s food and water in the pantry and her litter tray in the laundry. Then let her out and make sure she knows where everything is. Oh, and you’re responsible for emptying and cleaning the tray every day.”

He blinked and then the arsehole saluted me.

“Every day?” Samuel considered Nick with fresh eyes. “Exactly how long are you planning to stay here and why?”

“Coffee first,” I said steering Samuel toward the dining room table.

One hour later, we’d finished the pastries, several rounds of coffee, and answered a ton of questions, bringing Samuel and Jerry pretty much up to date. Shelby spent most of that time prowling the house and generally making herself at home, before making a beeline for my lap and falling fast asleep, much to the annoyance of Nick who regarded her treachery with a disgusted glare.

“What the hell was Davis doing messing around with people like that on his own?” Samuel shook his head. “He could’ve at least run it by me.”

Nick rolled his eyes, grumbling, “If he didn’t tell me, he was hardly going to tell you, was he? Lachlan said Davis didn’t want to compromise us.”

Samuel’s lips set in a thin line. “I’m his brother, for fuck’s sake. And a cop.”

Nick glared. “And I was his husband. Besides, what would you have told him?”

“To keep his damn nose out of it.”

Nick sighed and ran his fingers through his tangled hair. “And you think he didn’t know that just like he knew I’d say exactly the same thing. Which is, of course, why he said nothing. Forgiveness, not permission, right? Davis was a big fan of that.”

Samuel grimaced. “If he wasn’t already dead, I’d bloody murder the idiot.”

Nick snorted. “You’d have to get in line.”

They caught each other’s gaze and after a long moment, Samuel chuckled. “None of this is funny, you do realise that, which reminds me—” He grabbed Nick’s jaw and turned his head to the side, blowing a low whistle. “Man, I bet that hurt.”

Nick winced and pulled away. “Like a motherfucker. And quit doing that.”

Jerry looked my way. “Like I said, children. So, what’s the plan?”

Everyone turned to face her.

“What?” She threw open her hands. “There has to be a plan. Samuel, you’re the cop. What do we do next?”

Samuel blinked. “ We , as in you , don’t do anything. You’re to stay right out of this.” He faced Nick. “And you need to take this seriously. Whoever these people are, they’re not afraid to make a statement. They burned the fucking caravan to the ground, for fuck’s sake. Kind of a loud message.”

Nick stared at his brother-in-law. “So you’re positive it’s all connected as well?”

Samuel’s expression remained neutral. “I think we should treat it that way, just to be safe. Which means they either followed you to the caravan yesterday or—hang on.” He scraped back his chair and disappeared out the front door. A few minutes later he was back with a small metallic object, which he slid onto the dining table. “They were tracking you.”

I stared open-mouthed at the device, as did everyone else. “What the actual fuck?” This whole thing had suddenly taken a sharp turn into the way-too-organised-not-to-be-scary territory. I spun to Nick, who sat stock-still in his seat, face ashen.

His gaze lifted to mine and he began rubbing his palms up and down his thighs. “We have to get the rest of that notebook decoded. If they didn’t find what they wanted at the caravan—and we know they didn’t—they might think I have it with me and they’ll?—”

“Shit.” I connected the dots. “They’ll follow you here, won’t they?” A wave of panic gripped my chest and I spun to Samuel. “Should we destroy this?” I tapped the tracker.

Nick’s hand landed unseen on my thigh, the warmth of it settling my fear. “It’s a bit late for that.”

“I’ll deal with the tracker.” Samuel was using his cop voice. “So everyone needs to just take a breath and calm down.”

Jerry elbowed him none too softly. “Not helpful, babe.”

He shot her a look. “If I might be allowed to continue?”

She rolled her eyes but sat back, and Samuel looked around the table. “Nick’s right. Decoding that notebook is a priority, but you don’t need me for that. I’ll drop Jerry at Golden Oaks for her midday shift and then head back to the station and run Lachlan King and Justin Leonard through the system. I’ll take the tracker with me so they think you’re on the move, but keep the doors locked, regardless. Google every name you find in that notebook and call me with anything interesting. And I mean anything .”

We all nodded, and I turned to Jerry. “Tell Shirley that something came up and I’ll visit later in the week.”

“I can do that,” Jerry agreed. “But on one condition. Sundays are slow and you’re gonna have a lot of names. Send me a few and I’ll help if I can. Many hands make light work.”

Samuel spun in his seat. “No, Jer. You need to stay out—” His mouth snapped shut at the I-fucking-dare-you look on Jerry’s face.

She cupped his cheek and smiled approvingly. “Smart man.”

A snort of amusement came from the kitchen where Nick was rinsing plates.

Samuel shot him a glare. “Got something to say?”

Jerry tugged Samuel’s arm. “We need to get going.”

Samuel grunted unhappily but swept his keys and the tracker into his hand and followed Jerry to the front door. He paused on the front step and flicked his head to where Nick was now stacking the dishwasher. “Thanks for letting Nick stay. I’ll admit, I’m worried about all this. And I was serious when I said to keep your doors locked.”

“Nick’s a friend. It’s what you do.” I brushed it off, hoping my cheeks didn’t betray the lie that he was a lot more than that. “And I hear you. We’ll stay safe.”

Samuel’s eyes met mine and he hesitated. “You know if you and Nick?—”

“We’re friends ,” I reiterated, meeting him look for look.

“What’s up?” Nick was frowning at us from the kitchen.

“Nothing.” Samuel’s gaze flicked between the two of us and he sighed. “Call if you find anything, and for fuck’s sake, take a shower.” The last was directed at Nick who promptly flipped him off.

When they were gone, I leaned against the closed door and sighed.

“You want another coffee?” Nick made his way toward me.

I shook my head. “I think I’ll take Samuel’s advice and have that shower. I’ll leave clean towels in the bathroom next to the studio, and there are plenty of spare toiletries in the drawers.”

“For overnight... guests? ” Nick’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Thought you didn’t have a lot of those.” Curiosity, or something more?

I chose not to answer, because he didn’t deserve one. Instead, I continued, “Help yourself to what you need. The bedroom alongside is yours.” I pushed off the door and headed for the lounge.

“Mads?”

“What?” I snapped, turning in time to see him flinch. And I really hoped he wasn’t planning to push for that conversation he wanted because, quite frankly, I was done. My eyes prickled from lack of sleep, my brain had thrown in the towel, and my patience was hanging by a thread. I needed a break from the ridiculousness of the last day, and I wanted to feel clean, dammit. Was that too much to ask?

“I was, ah, wondering if you’d want to come with me... to where it happened?”

I blinked. “You mean, the accident?”

He nodded. “Only if you want. I can’t guarantee I won’t be a mess. I haven’t been back since the week it happened but it’s so close to here that I just I thought—” His shoulders slumped. “I don’t know what I thought.”

I hesitated, not because I didn’t want to go. I absolutely did. But it felt like a big thing to do together. Maybe the biggest. And I wasn’t sure what that meant, if anything. Because I wasn’t sure what I meant to him, if anything. Did he just want my company or was it something more?

“Forget about it.” He headed back into the kitchen. “It was a silly idea. We need to focus on the code.”

“No. We’ll go.” The words burst off my tongue. “I want to. We can do it before we start on the notebook. We’ll check out Justin’s property while we’re at it.”

“Oh. Great.” Nick blinked furiously and looked away. “We can take my car.”

“No, we’ll take mine,” I countered. I had no intention of letting Nick drive on what would surely be an emotionally charged trip. “I need to get some fuel anyway.”

“Oh.” He didn’t look up, but his relief was clear. “Sure. Sounds good.”