Page 5 of The Magic of Provence (A Year in France #3)

She’d been the first of them to leave home and she’d gone all the way to the University of Surrey, where she’d earned a place on a five-year course for veterinary medicine and science.

The confidence gained by doing so well in her first-year subjects of anatomy and physiology had given her the courage to try and be more like her sisters. To fit in. To be seen.

She did tell them how special she’d felt when one of the professors, Murray McKay, noticed her, praised her work and took the time to encourage her.

How, over more than a year, she’d developed such a crush on the charismatic, good-looking man who had to be in his early fifties.

She confessed that she’d begun to take note of advice the other girls who lived in the residential halls gave each other and had started to experiment with make-up and clothes that revealed more of her generous cleavage.

She told them how he’d offered to help her, one evening, with an important essay and had worked with her for so long they were the only people left in the building.

She admitted that she’d been thrilled when he’d kissed her.

But that everything had changed after he locked the office door.

That it went too far and he just wouldn’t stop even when she’d begged him to.

She didn’t tell them that he’d put his hand over her mouth to stop her talking any more. Or screaming. Because Ellie was already crying.

Laura was as white as a ghost and her voice was shaky. ‘How could we not have known that something that terrible had happened to you?’

She didn’t tell them how she’d tried so hard to pretend to herself that nothing terrible had happened to her.

That she’d put her head down and focussed on her studies, but that hadn’t stopped her grades from plummeting when she discovered that she was never, ever going to be able to get past what had happened because she had a reminder, inside her body, that was going to be part of her life forever.

But she couldn’t even go to what had happened after that in her own head, let alone confess what she had done.

That she really was the murderer that everyone had said their father was.

Maybe it was selfish to protect herself from anyone else ever knowing what the real ending had been, but this wasn’t negotiable.

Fi could feel that mental door slamming shut hard enough to make her whole body shudder.

‘I didn’t want you to know,’ Fi said, her voice shaking, but that only made the truth of her words more genuine.

‘So I didn’t come home. It was easy to say that it was too expensive to travel that far and that I had to study for my exams and that I needed my holiday work at the riding school to help pay for next year’s fees.

I didn’t go back the next year, but it was months before I told you all that I’d dropped out. ’

‘You said you’d changed your mind about being a vet and you wanted to be a farrier and you’d been offered an apprenticeship.’

‘I had been offered the apprenticeship. That bit was true. But it was even harder to come home after I’d dropped out,’ she added.

‘Because I couldn’t face Mam. Not after all that money she’d put into helping me go to vet school.

I knew how disappointed she would be in me, giving up on my dreams like that.

Our family had had enough to be ashamed of.

If people at home found out what I’d done, it would have started all over again.

’ Her voice dropped to being barely audible.

‘They’d have said I was no better than my father… ’

‘Mam wouldn’t have been bothered by any gossip. Nobody would have found out, anyway. She was worried about you. We all were.’

‘Did you tell any one?’ Ellie asked.

Fi was silent. She hadn’t even told them everything, but her own words were failing her now – because she could hear echoes of words she’d never been able to bury completely.

Words she could never say aloud herself because that might bring them back to life and make them real enough to destroy her all over again.

‘You wanted this, you can’t deny it. And don’t bother telling anyone, because no one would believe that you weren’t begging for it.

Everybody’s seen the way you’ve been throwing yourself at me.

I finally took pity on you, that’s all. I mean…

look at yourself in the mirror, Fiona Gilchrist. Who’d want you… ?’

The look on her face must have said more than enough because Fi found herself wrapped in the arms of both her sisters.

And they were all in tears.

‘You can’t go back and be on your own,’ Ellie said finally. ‘Stay here, with us, at least for a while. Until you’re ready for a new start.’

Laura nodded but her face was still creased with pain. ‘Mam has to know,’ she said softly. ‘She would never forgive us for keeping it a secret from her.’

‘I can’t tell her.’ Fi shook her head sharply. ‘I can’t do that to her. I just can’t…’

‘It’s been hidden for too long already,’ Laura said gently.

‘Nobody else has to know, but it’s not fair to keep it from Mam.

She needs to know so that she can tell you there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

That none of this is your fault. That she loves you as much as we do.

’ She took an audibly deep breath. ‘Is it okay with you if I tell her? When I pick her up at the airport?’

Fi looked from Laura to Ellie and back again. It felt like she hadn’t made genuine eye contact with either of her sisters in more than ten years but she’d shut herself so far away she hadn’t even realised how much she’d missed them.

Until now.

And her heart ached as she acknowledged that she’d missed her mother even more.

‘Aye…’ Her agreement was no more than a sigh of sound. ‘I think I’d like that.’

It was a step into unchartered territory.

A new beginning, perhaps?

It felt huge.

But fragile enough to need careful handling. Like a nervous horse, perhaps.

Maybe that was why Ellie was trying to lighten the atmosphere with her smile and cheerful tone.

‘I’ll tell you something else you might like. I made a daube de boeuf in my slow cooker yesterday. It’s full of carrots and garlic and it’s got bacon as well as the beef brisket, and I tipped in a whole bottle of red wine.’

When had she last eaten any real food? ‘That sounds so good.’

‘It should taste even better today. I’ll bring some over for your dinner.’

The sudden cry from upstairs startled them all.

‘That’s my wee Bonnie awake,’ Ellie said.

Fi watched her heading for the stairs.

Laura was watching Fi. ‘There’s a wonderful old bath up there,’ she said. ‘And there’s some gorgeous soap and shampoo and conditioner that I put in there for Mam. Help yourself to anything.’

‘I will. Thank you.’

‘I’d better go, too. I’ll need to find somewhere to park at the airport so I can go inside to wait for Mam to get through customs.’ Laura wrapped her arms around Fi to hug her tightly. ‘I’m so glad you’re here,’ she said softly.

‘Me too.’

It was an automatic, polite response. It was only after the words had left her mouth that Fi realised how heartfelt they were.