Page 19 of The Light Year (Stardust Beach #6)

bill

. . .

He and Jeanie have spoken--of course they have.

Bill has apologized for the public nature of his display of affection, but not for its occurrence, which feels honest to Bill.

He'd been so moved by seeing her out there at the fence that day that doing anything other than holding her, kissing her, and making his feelings known would have been entirely disingenuous.

And, to her credit, Jeanie has owned up to her own decision to lean into the kiss, though Bill would have been fine taking the full blame for such an action.

In the ensuing weeks and months, they've had heated discussions outside the building during smoke breaks (Bill puffing away at a cigarette from the pack he keeps stashed in his drawer at work), and in stairwells, though they now know well enough that to touch one another in the stairwell would be akin to announcing to the world that something is going on between them.

And that, Bill thinks, is the ultimate question: is anything going on between them?

Surely what has happened so far would be enough to cause irreparable harm to Bill's marriage, and without a doubt, their ongoing fascination with one another (though, would Bill call it a fascination?

Maybe an attraction? Interest? Emotional pull?) will have to come to a finale of sorts.

They simply cannot go on as they have been, and so, just days before Thanksgiving, Bill has asked her to meet him at The Black Hole for a drink after work, which should give them the cover of seeing one another publicly and with coworkers, and will ideally loosen them both up enough for a quick walk by the pier so that Bill can explain himself further to her.

What the drink amongst coworkers really does is allow Bill to observe Jeanie as she laughs and talks with the other astronauts and engineers, and in doing so, he sees the way she's lit from within.

Her witticisms and funny comebacks as the engineers crack jokes make Bill smile as he watches her, and when she turns to look at him mid-sentence, Bill gets caught staring.

The smile on Jeanie's face grows serious. "I think so, don't you, Bill?" she asks, including him in whatever discussion she's been having with a guy named Jack.

"You'll have to excuse me," Bill says, feeling embarrassed, "I got lost in thought. Say again?"

Jack leans on his elbow and raises his voice, preparing to be heard over the din of the other happy drinkers.

"We were just saying that we're rounding the bend into '67, and that means we have three more years to get to the moon.

Jeanie thought we should start a pool to see who thinks we'll make it before 1970, and she said the two of you both believed we'd have boots on the moon during this decade. "

Bill looks down into his glass as he smiles; this is a frequent topic of conversation over drinks, and Jeanie knows that he not only thinks it's possible, but inevitable.

"I do think we'll make it," Bill says definitively. "Absolutely. Put me in the pool for ten bucks."

"Bets start at twenty," Jack says with a smirk. "Count you in?"

"I'm in." Bill lifts his glass and knocks back the last swig of whiskey. "But for tonight," he says, patting the table as he stands. "I'm out."

The Beatles are on the jukebox, and there is a holiday warmth to the bar, with people who are already free for the holiday relaxing into second and third drinks, and layers of tinsel criss-crossing the bar and hanging from the ceiling like streamers at a birthday party.

"You know," Jeanie says, consulting her watch. "I should probably head out myself." She stands and gathers her purse. "See you all tomorrow--at least those of us who are pushing through to Thanksgiving Day." She waves at the table and follows Bill out into the twilight.

"Ohhh," Bill says, putting both hands into his pockets as they walk beneath the swaying palm trees that line the path to The Black Hole's front steps. "I should probably walk it off for a few minutes before I drive." He glances at Jeanie nervously. "Would you want to walk a little with me?"

Jeanie shrugs, trying to look cool, but Bill can sense her nerves. "Sure," she says. "The only thing waiting at home for me is a cat and a plate of whatever Vicki has saved me for dinner. But are you sure that you don't need to rush home to... anything?" Jeanie waves a hand vaguely.

"Nope. Not just yet."

They walk quietly down to the wooden planks of the pier and stroll side by side as the rising moon reflects against the water.

After a few moments of silence, Jeanie speaks: "Do you really believe we'll get there?"

Bill's heart stops; is she asking what he thinks she's asking? Because it's a question he's not prepared to answer. His blood pumps wildly, sending adrenaline coursing through his veins. "I hope so," Bill says throatily. "I want to, but I'm not sure how."

Jeanie looks at him, her long, brown hair hanging over one shoulder. Her eyes are soft. "If we want something bad enough, then I think it feels like it's within reach, don't you?"

"Sure," Bill says, hands still in pockets. "It feels that way. But there are obstacles, Jeanie. There are other considerations." He isn't sure how to phrase this, and he isn't even sure that he's openly admitting that he wants something he can’t—or shouldn’t—have.

"Oh, I know," Jeanie says, sounding almost breezy. "But in a situation like this, people rise to the occasion."

As the water laps against the wooden posts in the water, Bill stops walking.

He frowns at the boards beneath his feet, trying to imagine what that would even look like.

If he wanted to be with Jeanie, would Jo really rise to the occasion?

Would he even dream of shaking up his life and his family that way?

In his quiet moments, the fantasy has played itself out, without question, but even under the cloak of night and sleep and dreams, Bill knows that fantasy and reality are two wildly different things.

"It's still a lot to consider," Bill says carefully, daring to look at Jeanie. Her eyes are wide and curious, her face unbothered. "But I need you to know that I think about it."

A cloud passes over Jeanie's face. "Of course. I do, too. I would imagine that we all do." Jeanie looks out at the water as it ripples. "Getting to the moon has been the ultimate goal all along, hasn't it?"

It takes Bill a heartbeat or two to realize that this is what she's been referring to: getting to the moon. Not them making a go of it, not him leaving Jo and the kids, but them getting to the moon as an organization and as a country.

"Right," Bill says slowly. "It's been the ultimate goal--for all of us.

" He quickly recalibrates, feeling both relieved and a little disappointed that Jeanie has been talking about the moon and not about them.

Would he have even wanted a discussion along those lines?

Could that have ever gone smoothly, been productive, and ended well?

"Anyway," Jeanie sighs and keeps walking, leaving Bill no choice but to start walking alongside her. "We still have three years, and I think we have to keep our eyes on the prize." She glances over at Bill meaningfully. " That prize--the moon."

It's the first time during the entire evening that she's let on that there's an uncomfortable boulder between them, and Bill isn't sure whether he should seize this opportunity or ignore it.

He stops walking again. "Jeanie," Bill says tenderly. "Can we talk? It's not about the moon."

Jeanie walks a few more feet and then stops, keeping her back to Bill. He can see from the set of her shoulders that she's prepared for whatever it is he's about to say.

Suddenly, she turns to face him, cutting off his words with a single, steely glance. "I'm seeing someone, Bill. It's new, but it feels serious."

This is not what he'd been expecting—not at all.

In his mind (and certainly in his private fantasies), Bill has imagined Jeanie going home each night and pining away for him.

Or, at the very least, not entertaining thoughts of other men.

It's beyond ridiculous to think about such things, not only because Jeanie is a person and not an android, but because he goes home each night to Jo and the children.

He certainly isn't alone, pining away for her and keeping his heart only for Jeanie Florence.

He can't afford to. It isn't reasonable, and at this moment, Bill realizes it isn't reasonable for Jeanie, either.

"Wow," he says, taking an involuntary step back. "That's... I had no idea. Congratulations. Is he at NASA?"

Jeanie shakes her head and her eyes skate sideways, landing on the reflection of moonlight on water. "No," she says, looking sheepish. "He's a pilot for TWA."

This almost makes Bill laugh out loud, but it comes out as a soft, measured chuckle. "A man who reaches for the heavens--that seems right for you."

"Maybe," Jeanie admits. "Or possibly he's just right for now. I'm not sure yet."

Bill makes a noise that sounds like "Mmhmm," and pairs it with a nod. "I hear you. I guess you have to kiss a few frogs and all that." He tries for a lopsided, careless grin but misses, based on the pitying look in her eyes.

"You're not a frog, Bill," Jeanie whispers, closing the distance between them with three steps.

She stops right in front of him, looking up into his eyes.

There is a boat tied up about ten feet away from where they stand, and it bobs gently in the water in a motion that mimics the pitch and sway of Bill's stomach.

"You're just a guy—a great one--but not the right one for me.

" Her eyes mist over just slightly as she looks up at him, and Bill nods, knowing she's right.

They stand there like that, listening to the creak of the boat tied to the pier, and after some time, Bill looks away from her.

He'd kiss her one more time, just for good measure and for his own internal box of memories, but he knows this is wrong.

He's a frog, and she's a princess, and he needs to focus on the moon and his family while she does the things that she needs to do.

With more restraint than he'd ever imagined he could have in Jeanie's presence, Bill holds out the crook of an elbow and offers it to her. "Walk you to your car, Miss Florence?"

Jeanie looks at his arm and then up at his face before looping her arm through his. "I'd like that," she says with a single nod. "I really would like that."