Page 39 of The Lies We Leave Behind

39

I woke with a start the next morning, a feeling that I wasn’t alone causing me to sit upright in bed, my eyes bleary as they searched the darkness.

But there was no one there, and as I lay back down, I realized I must’ve had a dream. A dream that Catrin had lain beside me in the night like she had when we were girls, her hand in mine, our breath becoming one. My eyes pricked with tears. I could still feel her hand in mine, as if it had been real. I could feel the imprint of her body beside mine. I wanted so badly to have my sister back. To be the girls we once were. But Paulina’s words of warning the night before had startled me. Was I fooling myself? Had I come too late?

Unsettled, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and pulled my valise from beneath my bed, and then ran my hand along the lining until I felt my engagement ring. I closed the case and slid it back to its hiding place and then made my way to the bathroom. The door, which I was positive I’d shut the night before, was open just a crack. I stared back at my bed. Had it been a dream? Had she been here? Rather than be comforted at the thought, a shiver ran down my spine.

Turning on the light, my eyes went to Catrin’s side of the counter where her belongings still sat, though moved slightly, as though they’d been used.

She was still here. There was still time.

“Good morning,” Paulina said when I entered the kitchen, my gaze sweeping the room for signs of my sister. “She’s gone already.”

“But she’ll be back,” I said, a statement, not a question.

“She will. But Gisela—”

“I have to try, Paulina.” My voice was firm.

“Please consider what you could lose,” she said, her eyes moving to my stomach.

“I don’t believe she would bring me harm,” I said. “No matter how she’s been brainwashed. We are still sisters. We are still bonded by our love for one another.”

“You could come back. After. When things have settled. When it’s all over. You could go to France and wait.”

“Paulina...what do you think is going to happen? What do you think she’ll do?”

Paulina’s voice was quiet as she answered.

“I used to worry she’d become like your mother. Vicious. Unrelenting. Not hiding her disdain for others. But then I realized who she was becoming was much worse than that. She became like your father. A hunter. Quiet. Sizing up her prey before snapping its neck and dragging it into the dark. I don’t know what they teach those girls in the League. I don’t know if it was a combination of those teachings and being your parents’ child that led her to become what she is. But I should’ve turned you away as soon as you got here. I just thought...hoped...” Her eyes filled with tears. “I wanted you to be right. I wanted the sight of you to shake her out of whatever it was they’ve done to her. If anyone could, it’s you. But Gisela... I can feel her...watching you. Sizing you up. Taking your pulse. You are not safe here. She will attack.”

“No.” I shook my head. “No. I don’t believe that. She’s twenty years old. She’s not like them. She may have some of them in her, but she also has me and our memories as sisters. Love and silly songs and holding hands...”

“I’ve heard rumors,” Paulina said. “Rumors that she’s turned in her own friends. Hannah... Lior.”

I shook my head. “No. That can’t be true.”

“She’s changed, fr?ulein. They changed her.”

“No. And even if you’re right, it’s because of me. Because I left. But I’m back now. I can make it right. I can make her see...”

“Gisela—”

“No,” I whispered, a tear making a path down my cheek. “She would never. She couldn’t. She’s a child still.”

“She is not a child anymore, Gisela. She’s made choices.”

“Because she had no choice,” I said. “I left her. She had no one to protect her. To show her what was right.”

Paulina sighed and handed me a plate of toast. “You have a big heart, my love. But you are blinded by the guilt of something you were never responsible for. None of this is your fault. And you are putting yourself, and your child, at risk. For all we know, she could come back with an officer and turn you in.”

I shook my head, angry tears making their way down my cheeks.

“She wouldn’t,” I said. “And I will not leave without talking to her. I must do what should’ve been done years ago.”

Paulina opened her mouth to say more, but my mother’s scream cut her off and after hesitating for a moment, she put down the kitchen towel in her hand and hurried from the room.

Catrin didn’t return for hours, and every minute that passed served to make me more and more anxious, Paulina’s words returning to me in waves. What if she was right and I was terribly and tragically wrong? But even as I thought it, I pictured her as a girl trailing behind me, reaching for my hand.

I passed the time by doing the chores I’d become accustomed to. Dusting rooms that never got seen, shining silver that was never used, and checking the pantry for ingredients we needed, should they become available.

In the late afternoon I checked in on my mother so Paulina could begin prepping food for dinner. I had just returned to the kitchen to help when I heard the front door open and close. Paulina’s eyes met mine and she motioned for me to stand beside her, and then she stepped in front of me, busying herself at the kitchen island, her body creating a barrier in front of mine.

“Guten Tag,” Catrin said as she entered the room.

“Good afternoon,” Paulina said. “How has your day been, fr?ulein?”

I hadn’t noticed the tone in Paulina’s voice when she spoke to my sister. But I did now. It was formal. Tense. And wary.

“It has been good, thank you, Paulina,” Catrin said. “How is my mother?”

“She is the same.”

“I should go see her. Does she need fresh water?”

“Gisela just brought her some.”

There was silence in the room and I could feel my sister’s gaze on me. I set down the knife I was using and turned, meeting her gaze across the room, taking in the small smile on her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“And how was your day, sister?” Catrin asked, the words friendly, the undertone laced with something that made me feel ill at ease.

“Busy,” I said. “Dinner should be done soon. Shall we eat in the kitchen again?”

“The dining room,” she said, and then left to see our mother.

I didn’t bother to look at Paulina. I could feel her fear from across the room.

Paulina set the table for two while I washed up and changed into a fresh sweater. Another of my father’s, its bulk easily hiding my growing belly. When I returned downstairs, water had been poured in the crystal glasses, a bottle of wine opened, and my sister sat in the seat she’d occupied as a girl.

“This looks lovely, Paulina,” I said as I took my seat. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” she said. “If you two need anything, I’ll be in the kitchen.”

We were quiet as we dug into our meal, and while I marveled at the succulent chicken and roasted potatoes Paulina had made for the occasion, our usual meals much sparer, Catrin seemed unimpressed by it all. She was clearly used to such luxuries still, the war seemingly having no impact on her life whatsoever.

“Why have you come really?” Catrin said finally, her voice curious. Measured.

“I told you,” I said, frowning across the table at her. “For you.”

“To see me? To...what? Pick up where we left off? Me at the front door, crying as you promised to return?”

I could hear the bitterness creep in, but I was prepared for that. I knew she would need more from me to truly believe that what had happened could not be controlled. But as I opened my mouth to explain further, she began to talk again.

“Have you come for their fortune? Because it’s mine. They’ve left it all to me. And I cannot wait to see that smug lieutenant’s face when he realizes it’s not up for grabs.”

I caught myself as my mouth dropped open, closing it quick and shaking my head.

“Of course not,” I said. “I’ve never cared about any of that. I came to make things right and bring you back with me.”

“Back? Back where?”

“To New York. To the life you should’ve been living with me. Your sister.”

I watched Catrin sit back in her chair and delicately set down her fork. She lifted her chin, and when her gaze met mine again, it wasn’t my sister’s eyes I was looking into, but our father’s.

“I have no sister,” she said, her voice flat. “She died ten years ago. A car accident, I was told.”

“Cat—” I shook my head and reached across the table for her hand, but she drew it back, her eyes still glued to mine.

“You didn’t have to go, Gisela. That was a choice you made. For you . Those were your beliefs. I have my own.” Her voice was hard now. “This world needs to be cleansed. The weak and undesirables must go. On top of their bones we will build a stronger world. A better world. And you would do well to forget the lies our aunt and uncle brainwashed you with as a child. You are too old to believe those stories now. If you want to be my sister again, then you will forsake those ideologies and remember who you are. A Holl?nder. A German. You will be a soldier for the Third Reich and do your duty. Or I will have no choice but to reveal you for what you are. A traitor.”

Ice filled my veins as I stared into Catrin’s eyes, searching desperately for some clue that the girl I once knew was somewhere inside. That what she said was merely the bluster of a young woman carrying years of pain and needed to let it out in the vilest way she could before we turned the page and began to heal together.

But there was no such girl. If she had ever existed, she was long gone now, buried deep beneath years of her indoctrination into Nazism.

A tear slid down my cheek. Then another, my hand drifting down protectively to my belly. At the last moment I caught myself, remembering Paulina’s words. Don’t let Catrin know about the baby. I understood now.

I jumped at the sudden noise of Catrin’s chair scraping against the floor as she slid it back and stood.

“Shall we take our glasses of wine upstairs and visit with Mother?”

I had no idea what she had planned, but feared what she might do or who she might call should I say no. I nodded and stood, then picked up my wineglass with a trembling hand and followed her from the room.