Page 35 of The Liar's Wife

“Thank you,” I squeaked once she’d cleaned it up. She shook her head, reaching her arms out for me. If I gave in to her hug, I was going to lose it.

She stepped forward, and I fell, crashing my weight into her chest, which she bared gracefully. Her arms engulfed me, her cheek pressed to mine, and when we pulled away, there were tears in her own eyes, an ocean of sorrow looking back at me. She kissed my forehead, pressing hers to mine. “I’m sosorry, Palmer. I don’t even know what to say except I’msosorry.”

What could she say? There was nothing. No combination of the right words or syllables could ease the ache in my heart. It had lodged itself there permanently, a lump of bitter pain where feelings were supposed to be.

I nodded, hugging her back and letting the sobs come freely. I sniffled and snotted and cried until my body ached, and Dannika held me the whole time. I’d never been so grateful for her, even if it was a dull, muted, colorless kind of grateful. My life without Gray was, for lack of a better word, gray, and that was the cruelest amount of irony life had ever bestowed upon me.

When we broke apart, she put the cup on the counter behind us, moving it from the island, and led me into the living room to sit down on the couch.

“Do I…I mean, am I supposed to be planning a funeral for them?” My lips quivered at the question.

“I don’t want you to worry about that right now. The police are still searching. Right now, we…we just wait and we…and we pray. And we trust that God is going to bring that baby back to you. If we don’t have hope, Palmer, we don’t have anything. You know that.”

“Why would they let him take a boat out in the storm? Why wouldn’t they have made him wait to get the keys if they knew the storm was coming?” I asked, my voice an octave higher. I didn’t want to wait or to pray. I wanted my son back. I wanted answers. Rage felt safer than anything, so it was the one emotion I let in at its full, colorful glory. “Shouldn’t there be a…a law on it or something?”

“I’ve been looking at the website. Apparently if they’re caught in a storm, they have the ability to wait it out or bringit back for a refund. If he was already on the water by the time the storm came, maybe he thought it was safe enough to wait it out…” She trailed off, realizing she wasn’t helping.

I didn’t need facts. I didn’t need anything besides Gray, and I knew the chances of me having him ever again were slim to none. Officer Kessler had all but said so. They were looking for bodies, not survivors.

“I know we hadn’t been together that long, but…I really did love Ben,” I said, feeling pathetic. I grabbed a tissue as she handed me the box, scooting back on the couch and settling in next to me.

“I know you did, babe. I know.”

“I thought he loved me.”

“I thought he did, too. He fooled us all.”

“I didn’t want him to die.” It was a thought that had been in my head for a while. No matter how angry I was with Ben, I didn’t want him to die. I just wanted him to love me. To choose me. I didn’t want to be an option. I wanted his proposal, his ‘I do,’ to have meant the same as my ‘yes’ and ‘I do, too.’ I was in love with Ben. I loved him with everything I had, and I was prepared to stay with him for the rest of our lives. Until Kat. As far as I was concerned, she ruined everything.

I knew from my experience with Nate, blaming the woman wasn’t the right direction. He’d been the cheater. He’d been the liar. As far as I knew, Kat was just as much a victim in this as I was. But I had no sympathy for her, not after I watched her with Gray. Not after what she’d done.

“Of course you didn’t want him to die,” Dannika said, tilting her head toward her shoulder. “Of course not, Palmer. I know that. I know how much you loved him, what you sacrificed for him. If he couldn’t see that, he was the one whomade the mistake. No one in this world is better than you. He’s blind if he couldn’t see that.” She squeezed my hand and paused. “I looked at the girl’s profile this morning, and she’s not all that great, honestly. No match for you. He was blind, and that’s his fault. You can be sad that he’s gone and hurt that he betrayed you. It’s not either/or. You’re allowed to grieve in your own way. No one can tell you how to feel right now.”

“I wish they could, honestly. I don’t know how to feel. Hurt, obviously. Sad. But…I just feel empty mostly. I feel like there’s a huge hole inside of me where they’re supposed to be. How can this be happening?”

She frowned sympathetically. “I don’t know…I just don’t.”

“I know it’s not her fault, but I want to blame her, you know? I need to be angry at someone, and I can’t bring myself to feel that anger for Ben. As much as I want to.”

“Be angry at her all you want.” She shifted her weight on the couch, handing me another tissue as I felt new tears forming. “That’s your right. You get angry. Be furious. Be mad at her. Mad at him. Mad at the universe. And then when you’re done being mad, we’ll be sad and we’ll cry, and then we can switch back to mad. However you’re feeling, you do it, and I’ll be right there with you. You can stay with Ty and me for as long as you like. We’ve already discussed it. Consider it an open invitation. And, if you want to move out of the apartment, we’ll deal with that, too.”

I hadn’t even thought about the apartment, and I wasn’t sure when I could. “I can’t be a burden to you guys,” I said, dabbing my nose.

“You, my friend, are never a burden.Youwere the only thing that got me through Momma dying during college, and this is me returning the favor in the best way I know how.”

My phone chimed, and I glanced down, my eyes widening at the screen. “She made a new post…” I should’ve turned my notifications off for her posts, but I hadn’t thought about it. She’d been silent for days now.

“Who?” Dannika asked.

I opened the app and waited for it to load. When it did, I studied it. It was a close-up picture of her sitting on the edge of a hotel bed, her hair had all been flipped to one side of her head in a casual way, her face solemn. The blue tank top she wore hung off one shoulder loosely. Despite the messy look, it was obvious her makeup had been done, albeit natural-looking. The picture was meant to look bad in a very good way.

I scrolled to read the caption.

Hey, food lovers! I’m sorry I haven’t been as active lately. I’ve had a few things going on to disrupt my schedule (and my life honestly) and I’m working toward a new normal. Please bear with me while I make some adjustments. So many of you have reached out to be sure all is well, and I assure you it is. Soon, I’ll be able to share all the exciting details with you, but for now, I’m sending you my love. Drop your favorite food emoji below to let me know you’ve seen this. Eat well, my loves. Dessert first!

I read through it twice. What was she talking about? What changes? What things? What adjustments? What exciting news? This didn’t seem like the post of a woman who’d just learned her boyfriend was missing and potentially lost at sea. Had she heard the news? If not, wasn’t she worried about him?

I studied the picture, looking for a hint of emotion other than happiness in her eyes, but it wasn’t there. Whatever shehad with Ben, if she’d heard the news, it couldn’t have been serious.