Page 18 of The Lady of the Lamps (Vows in Vauxhall Gardens #1)

“D id you receive an invitation to old Montgomery’s house party next month?” Timothy asked as they enjoyed a glass of whisky at the club. “I think I’m going to attend, and then head back to Surrey. My betrothed is keen for the wedding plans to be finalized…”

“You have been putting it off,” James said, and Spencer was pleased for the distraction.

He had been invited to the house party, but could not bring himself to accept.

He did not want to be scrutinized in a small, confined space where he would undoubtedly react to some loud noise and have everyone whispering about him.

Or they would hear him having a nightmare, and think his brain was addled.

Timothy groaned. “You sound like Catherine. And my father…”

“I presume you want to marry the girl, since you asked her?”

“Well, yes, but asking and actually marrying are two very different things. I wanted to enjoy the Season first…”

“But the Season is almost over,” James reminded him.

“Yes, yes, I know. So are you coming to the house party? My last hurrah before getting leg-shackled?” Timothy asked, raising his glass in the air and then downing the contents.

“Yes, I was thinking I would. It’s on my way to the country, too—and Montgomery always has excellent fishing outings.”

They both turned to look at Spencer, and he knocked back the end of his drink.

“I was invited, but I don’t think I’ll be attending.

I still have business to take care of here…

” The business the Marquess of Leighton really needed to attend to was back at the family seat in Wiltshire, where their land agent had been running things for far too long without any support or supervision.

But he couldn’t bring himself to return yet.

“We don’t want to leave you in London all summer…” Timothy said, his gaze flicking to James.

Irritation, however unfair it was, rose in Spencer’s chest. He was not a child that needed to be watched.

“You’re welcome to come to Bracknall Place, when I journey back there,” James said, and the irritation was dampened.

“My mother, father and sister will be in residence, but it’s large enough that you wouldn’t have to see them often.

If you wanted somewhere in the countryside to go, that doesn’t hold memories… ”

“That is very kind. I haven’t finalized my plans yet, but I will write to you. Please, do not concern yourselves with me—enjoy the fishing and summer in the countryside. And I await the invitation to your nuptials, Timothy.”

He tried to pretend that everything was as it was before, even though he knew it never could be.

He didn’t want to wander aimlessly through his life, but he did not know how to live with the guilt and grief that hung over him.

He had tried to take Lady Beatrix’s words to heart, to believe that it was not his fault that Jack had died, that he had not profited from a death he could have stopped from occurring.

But without her calm voice and soft hands on his, it was hard to believe.

*

At breakfast that morning, Lord Haxbury had reminded her that he needed an answer to his proposal that day—as though she had not known. As though the thought of making such a decision had not kept her awake every night.

And yet still she did not have an answer for him.

Although the day looked likely to turn wet, she decided to go for a walk, wanting to clear her head and make her decision.

“Where are we going, milady?” Jemima asked, hurrying to keep up with her fast pace. “I think it might rain soon…”

“I need to visit…a friend.” She had not decided until she had stepped out onto the street, but she knew she needed to put her childish dreams from her mind if she was to marry Lord Haxbury.

It wasn’t really appropriate for her to call on Lord Leighton, but she would have her maid with her, and it wouldn’t be happening again.

She had to know that there was no hope before she accepted the life that was before her.

“If you could keep this visit to yourself, Jemima, I would appreciate it. I…probably shouldn’t be going, but I must.”

Jemima didn’t hesitate. “Of course, milady. But if you’re in some kind of trouble…”

“I’m just trying to work out what I’m going to do with my life. Now…now that I’m alone. And Lord Haxbury has presented me with one option, but I don’t know if I wish to take it.”

“He wants to marry you, doesn’t he?”

Beatrix stopped in shock. She had not spoken of the proposal to anyone, and there had been no one in the room when the words were uttered. So how did her faithful maid know?

“I—”

She didn’t know whether to deny it or to cry on Jemima’s shoulder about the choice she had to make.

“The way he looks at you…I could tell he was considering it. And it’s not right for you to be sharing a roof with him, with you both unwed.”

“I know, Jemima,” Beatrix whispered, beginning to walk down the street again. “But what can I do?”

“Do you want to marry him?”

Such a direct question—and one she had been asking herself repeatedly.

“I…would not choose him,” she said, feeling terrible for saying out loud, but wanting to be honest with herself and the maid who had been with her since she was an infant.

“But to be able to stay in my home, surrounded by memories, with you still by my side…” She sighed.

“There’s a lot I would do for that opportunity. ”

Jemima nodded. “There aren’t many options in this world for women, whether you’re titled or not. Just make sure that whatever decision you make, it’s one you can live with.”

Beatrix appreciated her advice. And that was what she was trying to do, by visiting Lord Leighton one last time. Put to rest any silly hopes and dreams and focus on her future—a future where she hoped she would be happy.

She doubted the burden of grief would ever truly leave her, but it would surely ease a little…and she did not wish to find herself stuck in a marriage she did not want when that time came.