Page 9

Theo

Ihaven’t hung out with Perry for a week. He hasn’t asked me since I said no, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to ask him. I don’t know why. I’m being ridiculous. Logically, I know that, but my brain is a little mixed up right now. The more I think about it, the more certain I am I was going to kiss him at Shenanigans that night. I wanted to kiss him, and I only had one Screaming Orgasm hours before, so I couldn’t use that as an excuse.

It’s all just so muddled in my head. I’ve never thought about kissing a guy before. I never thought I was interested in guys, but I have noticed them. Again, if someone is attractive, how can I not know that? The time between coming to college and before I started dating Whitney was the only time when I randomly hooked up with people, and I don’t know if that was only with women because that’s all I was attracted to or if I just didn’t open my mind enough to let myself wonder if something else was a possibility.

And now that I think about it, every girl I’d fucked around with had approached me—even Whitney. I haven’t gone to a party looking to get laid, sought someone out, and flirted with them. That’s just not really my style. They sought me out, and I agreed because, well, orgasms are fun, and they were pretty. What if a guy had flirted with me? What if he’d spelled it out for me in a way that made me realize what the fuck was going on, rather than after the fact, like it had been with Perry? Maybe things would be different. Maybe I’d have kissed a guy before.

And clearly, sexuality can be a spectrum for some people because look what Perry told me about his mom.

All this chaos in my head is why I haven’t seen Perry. Because he’s not an idiot. He knows I was going to kiss him, and he knows I freaked out afterward. Until I sort through all the confusion, I don’t know how to be around him.

But I miss him. That sounds silly since I’ve known the guy for five minutes and we talk every day. Because while we don’t see each other, we’re still texting—all day, every day, to the point that even I know it’s a little overboard. I’ve never messaged with someone so much in my life, but if he goes too long without talking to me, I wonder what he’s doing, can’t help but reach out and see.

I push my schoolbooks away, roll over in my bed, and grab my phone. I’m supposed to be studying, but all I’ve been doing is lying here and obsessing over Perry.

I scroll through our texts.

Knight in Shining Armor: Are you studying?

I smirk because no, I’m not, and I wasn’t two days ago when he asked me either.

Knight in Shining Armor: What is the most vivid memory from your past?

Me: I don’t know.

Knight in Shining Armor: Come on, you have to know.

Me: But I don’t.

Knight in Shining Armor: Fine, but I’m going to ask you again one day, and I expect an answer.

Me: Deal. What’s yours?

Knight in Shining Armor: The day I found out who my dad is and that he’s known where I was my whole life.

My stomach had dropped when I’d seen that text. That was a real answer, and a sad one. I hadn’t expected Perry to be so honest with me, and I was still surprised by that.

I scan my response again.

Me: Do you want to tell me about it?

Knight in Shining Armor: I can’t. Gotta go to work. Don’t miss me too much.

Perry doesn’t like to talk about important things. I mean, he does when it comes to me because he asks questions like he had about vivid memories. No one has ever asked me stuff like that before, but any time something gets too close about himself, he shuts it down.

I…want his secrets. Want him to trust me with them, and I want to help him feel better, which is kinda fucked if you think about it. But talking to him so much through messages, I feel like I know Perry in ways I don’t know many people.

He’s the guy who will ask me if I’m studying because he knows I should be.

He’s the guy who didn’t make me feel like shit for not realizing he was flirting with me.

He’s the guy who talks about his brother like he hung the moon even though I think Ty also makes him feel a little unworthy. Not on purpose, of course, but inside Perry.

He’s nice.

And I’m obsessed.

“Why am I like this?” I say into the empty room, look at my books and continue to ignore them, then open a new search on my phone and type in: how do I know if I’m bisexual?

What a dumb question. How can I not know?

All sorts of shit pops up, quizzes and articles, half of them I get partway through and don’t finish reading because it all gets a little cluttered in my head.

So instead, I text Perry. Everything else can wait.

Me: Hi.

Knight in Shining Armor: Hi.

Me: What are you doing?

Knight in Shining Armor: Studying for my test next week.

Wait? Studying? Oooh, he’s saying that’s what I should be doing. I grin. The asshole. But the grin immediately turns into a groan because I so don’t wanna.

Me: I’m trying. I really am, but it’s like…

I pause, unsure if I can finish that text, unsure if I can let him in this way. It’s not something any of my other friends know. Not something Whitney knows, or my parents, but sometimes it feels like it’s eating a hole through me—like I’m a leaf and it’s a bug that’s turning me into Swiss cheese.

Me: I get stressed and overwhelmed when it comes to school. I think about my parents and all the things they want for me, how hard they had to fight to help me be able to afford school, which is already a little harder on me than it is for most people, and then I just…clam up. It killed me to pass all my classes last year, and I don’t know if I have it in me to do it again.

My heart starts trying to break through my chest while I stare at my phone screen, waiting for a response. I jump when it rings instead, which just makes my pulse speed up even more. What is he doing? No one our age calls anyone.

“Hello?”

Perry chuckles. “Why did you sound so unsure when you said that?”

“Because I was worried you’d been kidnapped and the bad guys were calling me with ransom demands. Why else would someone call? Then I’d have to tell them I have no money and would they accept payment in Sour Patch Kids? I couldn’t save your life the way you did mine. I was expecting a disaster. I might have had to sell my body to earn the money or something.”

“Eh, well, you’d get a lot for it.”

“I mean, I’m a nine and all.” Probably not to anyone except him, but still.

“You’re fixated on that.”

“Am not.” Yes, yes I am.

“I’m honored you would sell your body for me, but then I’d be all jealous that they got to see you naked and I don’t.”

My face heats. I’m…oh my God, I’m totally blushing. What is this guy doing to me? “Shut up.”

“Come over.”

“Excuse me?”

“Not for naked times, pervy-perv. So we can study. I’m off, and I have the house to myself. Friends don’t let friends have anxiety over school.”

The thing is, I know my other friends will help too if I tell them. I can’t figure out why it’s so much easier to share things with Perry than it is with anyone else. It also makes me a little mushy inside that he wants to spend his evening studying with me when he can literally be doing anything else.

“Okay…should I bring anything?”

“Your school shit would be helpful.”

“I meant other than that, jerkface.”

He chuckles. “Did you just call me a jerkface? Jesus, you’re cute. I’ll text you my address.”

Before I can think of a reply to him calling me cute, Perry hangs up. A moment later, the message comes through with his address, and I smile. A big smile. A stupid smile. The kind of stupid smile that wouldn’t be on my face right now if I wasn’t into guys…into Perry.

Well, not like I-wanna-marry-him into him, but I definitely do want to kiss him…want him to kiss me…

This is a very interesting development.