Page 33

CHAPTER 33

Anna melted, her eyes closing as she grasped for the shirt that wasn’t there, her fingernails finding his sweat-slicked skin. It was like the first gulp of air after almost drowning, though she hadn’t realized that the past few days without him had been akin to suffocation, submerged in the banality, the boredom of his absence.

Her palms smoothed over his bare chest, sliding over his shoulders, one hand gliding up into his hair. She wanted him. Not tomorrow, but now. She wanted the wedding night beneath the willow tree that he had teased her with, right here in his private forge.

Breathless, she kissed him harder, making up for all that lost time, gasping as he pulled her closer and his hands grasped at her dress, as if he was trying very hard not to rip it off her. She’d heard that absence could make the heart grow fonder, but no one had mentioned that it could make her mind half-mad, making her abandon all sense and reason.

She kissed him with everything she possessed and everything she hoped for, perhaps believing that this moment could somehow make it all right between them again.

Why did she need answers, when his kiss spoke volumes? This couldn’t be the kiss of a man who didn’t care, who couldn’t find it in himself to love her one day, who wanted to push her away from him. She refused to accept that, when she was right there in his arms, feeling his lips on hers, making everything better.

All of a sudden, he scooped her up, carrying her to the workbench. She clung to him, kissing him without pause, losing herself in him. And when he set her down on the edge of the workbench, standing between her thighs, she locked her leg around his to keep him there, to feel the effect she had on him.

He growled in the back of his throat, kissing her as if she was all that mattered. His hand gripped her thigh, while his other hand cradled the back of her neck, slowly urging her to bend backward, meaning to lie her down on the workbench.

To give me what I desire…

“Wait!” she panted, pushing against his chest.

Immediately, he stepped back, denying her his touch. “Are ye hurt?”

“Nay… nay, it’s nae that,” she said, struggling to catch her breath. “Ye’ve… fogged me mind again.”

He raised an eyebrow. “And that’s nae what ye want?”

“I do but… Och, ye’re doin’ it again!” She closed her eyes, rubbing her temples. “Ye asked what else I needed to ken about ye, and the truth is, what ye can make me feel—like this—isnae enough. I need to ken everythin’. I wasnae playin’ games when I asked for this betrothal period. I needed it because… because I daenae trust men. I can never trust a man thanks to this curse of a blessin’ that I have. And, at the moment, I daenae trust ye or yer intentions.”

She opened her eyes again, hoping to see something encouraging in his expression.

He tilted his head to one side, his brow furrowing as he looked at her. Yet, his face remained unreadable, as if a wall had gone up while she had had her eyes closed.

“Because I hastened the inevitable?” he replied, a note too coldly for her liking.

“Because I do nae ken ye!” she shot back, frustration prickling through her veins. “Ye’re… a stranger, still. I thought I was startin’ to understand ye, but then ye changed everythin’. I either want a reason why ye did that, a true reason, or I want ye to tell me that this is just how ye are—that ye daenae actually care about givin’ me a choice and freedom at all. That it was all just a ruse of yer own to win me hand.”

His expression hardened, and he took another half step away from her. “What is it ye actually want from me?” he said huskily. “What is it ye want me to say?”

She hadn’t anticipated getting questions in return, prompting her to falter for a moment. Everything she’d prepared since speaking to her brother had evaporated, leaving her floundering.

“I… want ye to tell me what I can expect from this marriage,” she blurted out, as Beathan’s warning crept into the void left behind by all of that useless, vanished rehearsing. “I want ye to tell me that the bairns we might have, the bairns ye so long for, will come from love. At a time when me and ye are ready for that. Nae now, of course, but… aye, I wish for ye to tell me that our bairns will come from love, and that I have a say in when and how they come into this world. I wish for ye to tell me that that hope wasnae stolen away from me the moment I was born a lass in me family.”

Her bosom heaved at the exertion of her speech, her entire being shocked by the revelation that was now out there in the world. She hadn’t even known that was what she truly desired until it had poured from her; all she’d known was that she wanted a choice in who she had children with. Yet, she felt it, down to her marrow, that she had spoken more honestly than she had in years.

But as the minutes ticked by, Gordon said nothing, the silence stretching between them until it felt like something might snap.

Say somethin’! Anythin’!

Gordon willed words to rise up his throat, but they wouldn’t come. And the longer it took him to speak, the sadder Anna became, the brightness dimming in her before his very eyes. He would have preferred to stand beneath a hail of arrows or before a charging cavalry, pikes aimed at him, than have to bear the sight of her like that, knowing he had caused the sorrow on her face.

But I cannae lie. I cannae—nay, willnae love her.

He was a boy holding his gasping mother in his arms again, while the blood of his father and brother spread across the flagstones toward them, an encroaching tide of red.

There would always be threats against him, no matter how tirelessly he worked to fend them off, no matter how many enemies he defeated. And threats against him meant threats against her, against their children, against their future.

I’ve already gotten too close to ye, Anna.

But if he could make her hate him, perhaps she would be safe. If he could marry her and send her away, maybe no harm would ever befall her or any children they had, securing her future and that of the clan, at the very least. His own future wouldn’t matter, as long as he could keep her and the clan safe and prosperous.

Or maybe, I shouldnae marry her at all. Maybe, I daenae need bairns, once I ken the name of the person who destroyed me family.

He thought of David, waiting for him at the dungeons, wishing he had allowed his m an-at-a rms to give him the name instead of getting distracted by Anna. That way, he would better know how this ought to conclude, whether to keep Anna close or send her far from him.

“I can tell ye the reason why I came to that auction, and let ye make yer own conclusions,” he said flatly. “I cannae give ye more than that. I dinnae promise more.”

Anna’s eyes pinched, her head moving in a slow nod. “Very well.”

“I was kidnapped,” he began. “About a month before that auction, I was taken from this castle. I’d arranged a… festival of sorts, to commemorate me faither—me braither and maither too, in truth. A feast to mark twenty years since they were killed, to honor their memory, so nay one could ever forget.”

With a hand to her chest, Anna’s expression softened, a different kind of sadness replacing the one he had caused. He couldn’t much bear the sight of that, either. He didn’t want pity, just revenge.

“They were clever,” he continued. “There was somethin’ in me drink—I’d wager a small measure of that somethin’ in every cup, so I wouldnae notice at first. Eventually, I started seein’ things. Things that were nae there, and I followed the… ghosts down to the crypt, to speak to me braither and me parents. I was dizzy as anythin’, and it still took four of ‘em to capture me.

“They took me to some ruins that belong to nay one, held me prisoner in a dungeon. I was there for weeks, and while I was there, they tried to torture me. I wasnae receptive to it; pain is an old friend to me. Even when they took me eye, they couldnae break me.

“They made a mistake, as I kenned they would, and I escaped. That might have been the end of it, had they nae been instructed by the same person who killed me family.”

Anna’s breath hitched, her eyes glittering with tears that beaded on her long, fair lashes. “I… had nay idea. I’m so sorry, Gordon.”

“That experience made me realize that I had nothin’ to leave behind to keep me clan safe. It would be in turmoil, me position handed to an unworthy successor, if I had died there in that dungeon,” he went on, ignoring her gentle, heartfelt words for his own sake. “ That’s why I came to the auction. For heirs. I willnae deny that I’ve enjoyed yer company, but that reason hasnae altered. Love or nae, me clan needs heirs. And, Anna, I’m incapable of love.”

Everythin’ will be resolved by the weddin’. Ye’ll have yer freedom, if it’s what ye want. I’ll give ye that choice at the altar, once I ken everythin’ is safe.

David’s news had changed Gordon’s perspective, as keenly as his kidnapping had changed it. If he could deal with the threat tonight, then tomorrow would be hers to do with as she pleased: to marry him or not, entirely her decision. He would give her that, after taking it away before.

Indeed, it would be a better way of losing her than one day seeing her stolen from him, permanently. As for bairns—perhaps he would give the clan and title to Sophia’s children, if she ever had any.

Anna’s breath wavered, her hand trembling on her heart, her eyes creasing, eyelashes fluttering, as if she was trying to hold back tears. “I see… I kenned that, of course,” she murmured, her voice cracking. “Thank ye for… clarifyin’ yer position. Apologies for… sayin’ all that before. I daenae ken what came over me. Aye, of course I understand why that’s yer reason. Aye. Well…”

She slid off the workbench, smoothing down the front of her rumpled skirts, adjusting the lock of copper hair that had come loose.

“Well?” he prompted. “Has that changed yer mind?”

She met his eye, her smile bitter. “It wouldnae matter if it had. I never had a choice anyway. If nothin’ else, ye’ve finally made me see that choice, for me, has always been an illusion.” She walked past him, tossing a final remark back over her shoulder as she left: “I’ll see ye at our weddin’. Love or nae.”

He waited until the sound of her footsteps in the hallway beyond had receded, before slipping out after her. On stealthy feet, he followed her at a hidden distance, keeping watch over her, all the way up to her bedchamber.

Only when she had gone inside, and the door had closed, did he allow himself to breathe more easily, approaching the door as quietly as he could, just to be certain she was all right.

Crouching low, he peered through the keyhole, his heart hurting as he watched Anna fall into her maid’s arms, sobbing into the older woman’s shoulder. But at least she was safe, no intruder with fatal intentions lingering in the shadows.

Forgive me, lass. It’s for the best.

Pulling away from the door, unwilling to see more, he made a point of finding the guards who were meant to be watching over her. The same guards who had allowed her to sneak out to find him, when she should not have been permitted to go anywhere at all.

“Nay one comes in or out of this hallway,” Gordon hissed. “If anythin’ happens to that woman, ye’ll pay with yer heads.”

The guards stood straighter, bowing their heads to their Laird, and he knew they wouldn’t fail him. After all, he was the Devil of the Highlands; they wouldn’t doubt for a second that he meant the threat.

Satisfied that no harm would come to Anna overnight, Gordon departed the hallway, heading down and down and down until, at last, he came to the castle dungeons. A dismal, dreary, dripping place where he rarely had reason to set foot, but as he came to the door that led to the cells, he paused and drew in a deep lungful of the rancid, stale air.

Once he stepped through, everything would change. After twenty years, he was about to have his revenge, discovering at long last who was responsible for all he had suffered.