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Chapter Twenty-Six

Annabel

“Annabel!” My younger cousin Brittany runs up to me in the fruit aisle at the farmer’s market in Ravensreach.

“Hey, Britt–I didn’t know you were here this weekend.” I pull her in for a quick hug. Brittany’s father is a lawyer in Manhattan and rarely makes time to visit the family cottage on the coast. “Your mom usually calls me when she’s going to be here.”

“Oh, my parents aren’t here with me. Actually, they’re mad at me right now.” Her stormy navy irises hang on mine. “They didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?” I lift a shiny apple from the bin and turn it in my palm.

“I got married last weekend. Eloped.”

“What?!” I nearly drop the apple. Brittany isn’t even twenty–my uncle is probably fuming. “To who? What about college?”

“I’m still going to Barnard–my new husband is very supportive of my career goals.” She lifts her palm as she speaks, a small pear-shaped diamond sparkles from her ring finger .

“Well, who’s the lucky guy?”

“Someone you know, actually.” She’s nearly bubbling with excitement.

“Really?” I frown, at a loss about who she might mean. There are eight years separating Brittany and myself–I can’t think of anyone her age that it could be.

“Jonathan.” She grins, eyes sparkling with joy.

“J-Jonathan Grey?”

“The one and only.” Her eyes dart to her ring with a soft smile. “He’s so sweet to me–I’ve known him my whole life, I’ve had a crush on him for years, but he never gave me the time of day until we ran into each other in the city–”

“But he’s ten years older than you,” I can’t keep the annoyance from my tone.

“Yes–well, that’s why Daddy is mad.” A pout turns her lips. “Age is only a number anyway–Jonathan is good to me. He sends me flowers and takes me out to nice dinners in the city–he spoils me.”

“Hm.” A ball of pain is lodged in my throat, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. “How long have you been… dating?” I think back on the last time I saw Jonathan, his frustration and anger at me. Had they already connected at that point? Or is it our argument that sent him running to her?

“We ran into each other last month–he gave me his number and said if I needed anything that I should reach out to him. Isn’t that sweet?”

I don’t respond. I don’t have the words. I feel like my heart has been hallowed out. How could he do this after everything?

“Oh–Annabel–please don’t be mad at me. I know you and Jonathan are close. I thought maybe he would tell you about our news–”

“We haven’t spoken in a while,” I whisper.

Brittany’s eyes dart up and down my form. “Well, I thought you’d be happy for us–I love him so much, Annabel. More than I’ve ever loved anything, and he loves me too.”

I nod, try to swallow the pain down, but it remains stuck in my throat. “I’m happy for you.” I force a smile. “So happy. For you both. I–I’m just surprised is all.”

“I think I’m still in shock too. It all happened so fast. But when you know, you know, right?

And Jonathan feels like home, I still remember when I was a little kid and fell off my bike one summer and he carried me all the way home.

My knee was bleeding and I was crying hot tears and when he set me down, he wiped at my cheeks and said I would have the coolest scar.

Then he kissed my scraped knuckles and helped me put Band-Aids on my knee and…

oh Annabel, I think I loved him even then. ”

I have to suppress a groan.

“Well, Calum will be worried, I should get going. I’m so happy for you, Brittany.” I move in to give her a hug.

“Maybe we could do dinner together some night–I have to be back in the city by Monday for classes but the four of us would have so much fun together.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” I lie.

She gives me one last hug before turning in the direction of the flowers. As I walk away all I can think is that I dodged a bullet running into Brittany alone–if Jonathan had been with her… I can’t even imagine.

I spend the next ten minutes walking back to Holiday House with my heart throbbing in my throat.

I have to resist stopping on the sidewalk to lose my stomach.

By the time I reach the cottage, my anger has reached a fever pitch.

I’m practically vibrating with Jonathan’s betrayal.

He’s using my cousin to hurt me, to get revenge.

He could never love her, not after everything he said about us.

I knew he was hurt, I knew his pain cut deep, but I never thought he would stoop so low as to marry someone in my own family just to get under my skin.

I stomp around the corner of the house and run into Calum and his easel on the front porch.

“Hey!” His smile is wide and bright. My own sense of betrayal throttles me then as I realize that I am hurting this man just by being so pained by Jonathan’s decision.

If I was happy with my life with Calum I wouldn’t be feeling so devastated by Brittany and Jonathan’s marriage. My stomach twists at the thought.

“Hi.” I ascend the two steps and place a hand on Calum’s shoulder.

“Are you okay?” His eyes hang on mine. “You look like you’re getting sick.”

“I’m fine.” I swipe at my forehead. “I just didn’t eat this morning and the walk just… took a lot out of me I guess.”

“Maybe some lunch and a nap then–the sunshine is so bright today I thought I’d do some painting outside.”

“Good idea,” I press up on my toes to kiss him softly before sending him an encouraging smile. “It looks great.” I glance at his painting in progress.

“Thank you,” he grins. “It’s called Falling Sky . It reminds me of you–strong at the edges but soft at heart.”

I nod as tears well in my eyes. I push my hand over my face, trying to hide the emotion that’s simmering just below the surface.

“Want me to make you some lunch?” he asks.

“No–I’m fine. You’re sweet,” I call over my shoulder as I step into our home.

Our home. Not me and Jonathan’s, me and Calum’s.

An overwhelming urge to run away washes through me.

I set my tote bag of fruit and vegetables on the counter and go directly to my bedroom.

The walls feel like they’re closing in. Like my skin is crawling with the pain of living this life .

I throw myself onto the bed, bury my face in the pillow and let the tears flow.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, maybe I never did.

For the first time I think maybe being alone is the only way out of this mess I’ve found myself in.

But then I think of the pain I’ve already caused, the pain leaving would cause.

I sink deeper into the clouds of cotton and down and let the pain wash through me one violent tear at a time.

“What’s wrong?” Calum’s voice interrupts my anguish. He sits on the side of the bed, a palm rubbing my back.

“Nothing—” I start but he shifts, locking his gaze with mine.

“Don’t do that. I can tell you’re lying.” The storm clouds in his eyes hover on mine.

“I—I—” my thoughts swirl as I grasp for something to say. “I ran into my cousin Brittany at the market.”

“Oh yeah?” he says.

“She—she eloped last month.”

“Isn’t she young?” he asks.

I nod. “It was unexpected—she—she married Jonathan.”

Calum’s gaze darkens. A long silence stretches between us before he finally opens his mouth to speak. “So that explains it.”

Before I can say a word he stalks out of our room and down the hallway to his studio. I follow him, heart hammering as I think how already I’ve said too much.

“Calum—” I reach for his arm but he yanks it away.

“Stop—it’s always this. Always about him. I’m sick of hearing about him. You’re obsessed with him.” Hot tears spill down my cheeks as he hurls his words like weapons.

“No, that’s not true. We’ve just been friends for a long time?—”

“Bullshit,” he seethes. Before I can stop him, he tears the painting— Falling Sky —off the easel and hurls it against the wall. One corner of the frame splits and the edge of the coffee table leaves a wide gash in the center of the canvas.

“Calum—”

“I should leave—you’re toxic, you both are and staying is destroying me,” he spits, kicking the canvas and inflicting more damage to his precious painting.

“Calum—no. Please, I love you. I don’t want to live without you,” I plead for him to hear me, to understand.

“You don’t want to or you can’t?” His eyes blaze with anger, chest heaving with pain and adrenaline.

“I—both?—”

“Because I can’t live without you, Annabel. Losing you to him would kill me.”

“You won’t, you never will. He’s married, he’s someone else’s now.”

“Bullshit,” he says, “if you wanted to be with him he would leave her tonight. He only married her to get back at you, you know that, right?”

“That’s not true, maybe he loves her.”

Calum rolls his eyes. “Do you love him?”

I open my mouth to deny it, but I can’t force the lie from my lips.

“I knew it.” Calum kicks at Falling Sky again then walks out the door, letting the heavy wood slam in his wake.

I sigh, regret and relief swirling in equal parts in my stomach.

I’m not sure if I want him to stay or leave and the idea occurs to me then that I’ve always felt this way.

Caught between two worlds, lost in the love that exists between two men, always wondering if love is meant to be this painful.