Page 4 of The Fortunes of Ashmore Castle

If you focused on the bridge of a person’s nose, you seemed to them to be meeting their eyes, without actually doing so. She forced a smile. ‘You see? Nothing’s wrong, Joseph.’ She made herself use his Christian name, hoping it would please him.

But his expression remained troubled. ‘Go and have your bath, then,’ he said at last. ‘I’ll ring for fresh tea when you come down.’

She went upstairs, dread weighing her as much as the weariness of her legs. He would talk about it over tea, she thought, and she would have to endure it.

It was all still so raw. As she sat in the hot water and soaped herself, with Trump perched on a chair beside the bath, ready to dive in in case of accidents, she thought about that dreadful moment on Christmas morning when he had apologised for not being able to perform properly in bed. He had apologised for failing her.

‘You must have expected, when we got married, that there would soon be a baby on the way,’ he had ploughed on against the mute protest of her silence.

‘It’s natural for a woman to want babies.

God knows, I want them too. A son, to hand on my business to.

And a daughter would be nice too, for the fun of it.

It must be hard for you, especially when your friend Kitty has two.

You want to hold a precious little bundle of your own in your arms.’

‘Lots of people don’t have children,’ she’d said, trying to stop him.

He hadn’t even acknowledged that she’d spoken.

‘I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s not what’s behind this restlessness of yours – talking about votes for women and wanting to ride across, and so on.

A childless woman lacks proper occupation.

I know you get these ideas from Lady Wharfedale, but I expect she finds you fertile ground, given that you’ve an empty nursery.

It grieves me to the bone that I can’t give you the child you crave.

But this is what I think we can do about it.

I think it will make things come out all right for us. ’

And despite her urgent desire that he should not, he had gone on to tell her his idea.

If she were to get what he could not give her from someone else, he would cherish that child like his own, and never a word about the true situation would ever cross his lips to her, the child or anyone else.

‘You’d be giving me what I want too – a son to carry on my name, so there’d be no wrong in it for you.

And I know you have the good taste to choose a right ’un, and the sense and good manners to be discreet about it. ’

‘Please don’t! Please don’t talk like this,’ Nina said desperately.

He gave her a wry, sad, loving smile that came close to breaking her heart.

‘I wouldn’t want to know anything about it.

I would never ask. I would hope that, whoever he was, you wouldn’t go falling in love with him – aye, that’s the risk from my point of view!

But I’d never speak of it. Only, one day you’d come and tell me there was a little one on the way, and I’d be as pleased and proud as could be. ’

‘ Please don’t say any more,’ she begged.

‘And when that little one came, I’d be the best papa that there’s ever been in the world. I’d love it like I love you, Nina. Wife.’

‘Stop, please stop. I can’t bear any more. It’s – it’s impossible!’

‘Not impossible at all. It’s a way to put things right. I won’t say any more now, but think about it. You needn’t tell me what you decide. I don’t want to know details. Better that way. Just one day present me with a child, and I’ll be as happy as a king.’

He had changed the subject then, but it had been a strained Christmas Day, and since then she had been in a turmoil of shock and shame, anguish that he should love her so much that he would suggest such a thing.

And guilt, searing guilt that her thoughts had flown briefly and, oh, so wrongly to a certain person – a man she had no right ever to think about – and what bliss it would be to have a child of his.

She had been awkward in Mr Cowling’s presence ever since, and could not meet his eyes.

She had been forced, most unwillingly, to think about the scheme.

How had he envisaged it happening? How in the name of God would she initiate such a transaction and with whom?

To solicit it merely as a practical measure was unthinkable and shameful.

He must have meant her actually to have an affaire du coeur ; but that way lay terrible danger, heartbreak and, surely, the ruin of all Mr Cowling’s hopes.

How could they live together after that?

But they would have to. The water cooled around her and she imagined the ghastly tangle that would result.

They were married. A man could petition for divorce for a wife’s adultery, but Mr Cowling would never do that.

It was not that it was extremely expensive – he was a rich man – but that it was also shameful, and would result in social death for both of them.

He wouldn’t do that to her. And a woman could not divorce a man or even leave him, having no money of her own.

And, besides, she did not want to break his heart.

She was not in love with him, but she cared for him.

Her aunt, who had brought her up after her parents died, had counselled her to think carefully before accepting Mr Cowling.

Nina had believed she had done so, but how could she have anticipated his problem?

If she’d had a child by him, things would have been different.

. With a child, children of her own, and a kind husband who was also a fond papa, she thought she could have been happy.

But as it was, she was lonely. His love for her was a responsibility, not a joy. It did not fulfil her.

Eventually she had to go down and face him. He was in the drawing-room. The lamps were lit, the curtains drawn, the fire bright: a scene of domestic comfort. He stood up as she entered, and came to her, smiling, to take her hand and lead her to the fire.

‘Now then, my darling, come to the warmth. And don’t look so anxious.

We’re not going to speak of that subject ever again.

I want us to be comfortable, like we were before.

We can be, can’t we? I should never have suggested such a thing and I hope that you’ll forgive me and put it entirely out of your mind.

’ And he added, with emphasis, ‘I’ve put it out of mine. ’

She smiled and said what was necessary. But she didn’t think he had. He might have shut the idea away in a separate room in his head, but it was still there, and she believed he still half hoped she would act on it.