Page 14 of The Forgotten Duchess (The Dukes of Sin #4)

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

T he pain startled Frederick awake.

He sat up in bed suddenly, gasping as his hands went to the back of his head, instinctively searching for blood and broken skin. But there was nothing, no sign of any damage, except for the dull ache spreading forward from that part of his head.

With a deep sigh, Fredrick fell back into bed, squeezing his eyes shut in hopes that perhaps tonight, he might be able to return to sleep. After minutes of tossing and turning proved his efforts futile, he sat up once more with a groan.

“Wonderful,” he grumbled, getting out of his bed.

Slowly, he pulled on a sleep shirt and left his room, heading to his study.

The house sounded deadly silent as he walked through the hallways, and the lack of noise sent an echo of loneliness through him.

He went straight to his liquor cabinet once he arrived at his study, grabbing a bottle of whiskey and a glass before retiring to a settee to relax and drink.

His nights more often than not went this way. With him waking from a nightmare and being unable to return to sleep, no matter how hard he tried.

It frustrated them because he had long since recognized the nightmares for what they were — memories of his attack. All his other memories had more or less returned and the most crucial one he was desperate to reclaim still evaded him.

He was on his third glass of whiskey when someone knocked at his door, opening it afterward. Eleanor walked in moments later, much to his surprise.

“I heard a noise, earlier and thought I would find out what it was. Why are you awake at this hour?” She asked softly, closing the door behind her.

“I can't sleep. That noise was likely me, making my way down here.” He held up his glass to her. “Would you like to join me for a drink?”

He expected her to refuse or hesitate, but she walked forward and settled down next to him on the couch. Frederick blinked at her for a moment, and then he chuckled, rising to fetch her another glass.

When he returned, he poured a small amount of whisky into it and offered it the her.

She accepted it with a soft mumble of gratitude and she lifted the glass, only then hesitating for a moment before she tipped it back and drank a mouthful.

For a moment, he expected her to act unaffected, but then she coughed and winced and he couldn't hide his smile.

Eleanor playfully glared at him but the smile on her lips betrayed her true feelings and he asked,

“Would you like something weaker?”

She shook her head. “No, this is fine. I can drink it.”

“I am sure you can. But the whole purpose of drinking it is defeated if you suffer through every sip.”

“You underestimate me, husband. I am much stronger than you would expect.”

“I do not doubt that, wife,” he grinned. “But I would rather you proved your prowess over anything other than whiskey.”

Eleanor stuck her tongue out at him and downed the contents of her glass, whimpering as she tried not to cough, her eyes watering.

“Another, please.” She requested hoarsely, holding her glass out.

“You are ridiculous,” he told her, shaking his head fondly.

Frederick did pour her another glass, but as he handed it over to her, he warned “Drink it slowly.”

Eleanor accepted the glass.

“Yes, Your Grace.”

He settled back into his place and they sipped their drinks in silence for a moment.

Then Eleanor asked,

“Does this happen often? Do you generally make it a habit of forgoing sleep to drink alone in here?”

“Not usually. Only on special occasions.” He winked at her, pleased when she snorted out in laughter.

He smiled as she cleared her throat and tried to appear serious.

“Is something wrong?” She asked, concern shining in her eyes.

Frederick wanted to tell her about his nightmares. He wanted to confide in her about the return of his memories. But for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to do that.

He feared that letting her know he had recalled most of his former self would put an end to all that had transpired between them. She more or less viewed him differently now, as opposed to when he was in a sense a beast to be feared. And he was not ready for her to see him as anything other than her husband that still belonged to her in a sense.

“Nothing you need to worry your pretty head about,” he told her gently, reaching out to pat her hair.

She stared at him, her eyes wide with surprise. Then her cheeks filled with color, a look he had grown to like on her, and he smiled when she looked away from him.

“I'm fine, I assure you,” he told her.

She nodded, taking a sip of the whiskey in her glass. Then suddenly she blurted out,

“I used to hate you.”

Frederick was more surprised by the sudden nature of the admission than her statement itself. He had known that he was not a good person, further proven by his memories and he had been especially unkind to her at the beginning of their marriage.

“Is that so?” He hummed, curious about what more she might have to stay.

“Oh, absolutely. You were quite unlikeable before. Haughty, selfish, egotistic, mean — so mean — terrifying and cold. I thought it would be a nightmare, being married to you. Then you left me and I thought that being abandoned might be worse than having to live with you. But… you came home. And I have realized that you are not as bad as I expected. And I'm thankful for that.”

Frederick nearly told her then and there, that he was still the man he had always been, the one she had feared and abhorred. Even more so now that he had reclaimed his memories.

But still, he held back, feeling as though she had much more to say.

And he was right because, after another sip of her drink, she tilted her head and said, "I thought my life would end when I married you. For as long as I can remember, I never felt as though I had any control over my life. I wasn't allowed to have any say in the things that would inevitably manifest into being my future. From my courtship with Aaron that was forced, to this — our marriage stemmed from convenience. None of it was ever anything I wanted. But when we got married, I still held onto some hope that perhaps I still had a chance to bring to fruition all I had yearned for. But then, that hope was crushed when you left me here all alone. I had wanted to have a happy family… a family that would look and feel different from the one I grew up in. And I thought… I thought that even if you did not want me, you might want an heir and I would at least have a child to love. But I suppose none of it was ever meant to be."

Frederick listened to her silently, guilt gnawing at him as he thought of how hard it must have been to have come from the life she had been dealt, hoping for new beginnings. Only to be discarded as though she was of no value.

It was even more upsetting to know that he understood her struggles personally, all too familiar with the pain brought by a lack of choice.

"I never felt like I had any control either," he said, taking a drink from his glass. "For all the bad things my father loved to indulge in, he had such high demands of me. His cruelty was a constant in the lives of my mother and I. He always demanded perfection from us, always so quick to raise his hands whenever we failed to meet his expectations. My mother did her best to please him, but eventually, the love she had for him put her in serious peril and she never recovered. When it was just me, I prayed that my love for her would be enough strength to endure his harsh upbringing. But it wasn't. I was able to pull through due to the hate I had for him, and nothing else. I don't think I've ever been as relieved as I was the day he died. Still, I had hoped I would be able to give him a taste of his own medicine while he was still breathing. Oh, well, I’ve focused my strength elsewhere.”

Eleanor stared at him right a look of dismay on her face, then an expression of confusion clouded that momentarily.

“If you hate him as much as you say —”

“That and more,” he nodded sagely.

“Why did you have a portrait of him hung up in a drawing room downstairs? One would have expected that you would never want to see his face again, after all he had done.” Eleanor pointed out, seemingly a little dazed.

Frederick could tell she was getting a little drunk and found her attempts to cling to her sobriety adorable.

Ignoring her question, he asked in turn.

“What about you? Why are you so committed to your garden?”

Eleanor shuffled closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder as she yawned a little.

“I just… I just wanted to give my love to something,” she muttered sleepily.

In a few moments, she had fallen asleep.

Frederick carefully took her empty glass from her, managing to deposit it on the table before them, without jostling her. Then he took a good look at her, struck by how lovely she was at that moment, sleeping peacefully.

Slowly, he moved away from her and adjusted her to lie down on the settee properly, then he took off his jacket and covered her with it.

Then quietly, he left the room.

“I am so glad you're feeling much better. It gave us all a fright to learn that you had fallen sick so suddenly.” Thalia sighed in relief.

Eleanor laughed nervously, recalling what exactly happened the day her friends had come to visit and the sort of affliction she had fallen under.

“It was merely a headache. He had overreacted and demanded that I get some rest immediately, no matter how many times I told him that I was fine.” Eleanor stated, feeling sorry that she had to lie to her friend.

"Oh," Selina grinned, wriggling her eyebrows suggestively. "Better that he overreacted than underreacted. Nothing is as disheartening as a husband who disregarded your feelings."

"That isn't Frederick. He cares more than I would've expected him to," Eleanor said with a blush.

It was still a surprising occurrence to Eleanor, and she was still barely able to fathom all that had transpired between them. The side of Frederick she had come to know recently seemed like a dream, varying greatly from who she had believed he was.

At some point, she had felt guilty because she thought that perhaps she had been given the opportunity to experience a different side of him only because of his accident and she felt as though she should be grateful for its occurrence.

But truly, it was nothing short of a miracle that he had slowly turned into a man she could see a future with.

“I am glad to hear that. Benedict and Aaron have been thinking of approaching him to make demands for your well-being, and I could already tell it wasn't going to work out.” Thalia sighed in relief.

Eleanor stared at her friend in horror.

“They were going to what?”

“Nothing, now . Do not worry, pet. As long as your marriage is shaping up to be the one you deserve, no one shall raise any qualms. But if he forgets his place and makes any unsavory moves, let us know. Our husbands will set him straight." Selina smiled sweetly, before pointing at a stall that sold herbs exclusively. "Oh, we should take a look! Perhaps there's something we can add to our garden to spruce it up a bit."

When Selina had invited Eleanor to join her and Thalia to explore the farmers market festival that was taking place, Eleanor jumped at the opportunity to see her friends, needing to confide in someone about her hopes for her marriage.

It helped that she was making an outing in public without Frederick as well, seeing as they usually garnered whispers and impolite gestures.

Eleanor followed Selina dutifully while Thalia trailed after them at a slower pace. The owner of the stall was a hearty old woman who claimed to have been gardening for over forty years, determined to feed her family the best home-grown foods she could.

“You can plant all sorts of herbs to promote good health, Your Grace,” she said. “You have a variety of options to help reduce stress, promote good strength and —”

“I beg your pardon,” Eleanor said suddenly. “Is there an herb you could recommend to help with sleeplessness? My husband seems to be having a few restless nights and I was hoping to find him something to ease him to a state of rest.”

“Ah, of course, Your Grace. Chamomile is an excellent herb for that. If you brew it and add some honey, it works wonders. I have some dry leaves ready to be made into tea and some sprouts if you wish you plant them.” The woman informed her.

"I'll take them both," Eleanor stated immediately.

“I'll bring them right away,” the woman smiled.

"Would you look at that? It did not take you too long at all to step into the role of the loving housewife." Selina giggled, poking at Eleanor playfully.

“That isn't what is happening. He seems to be having difficulty sleeping and it is also affecting my rest because once he is unable to sleep, he walks around the house, making a lot of noise. Really it is better for us all if he sleeps when everyone is.” Eleanor stated quickly.

“If you say so,” Selina sing-songed with a cheeky smile, before leaning forward to ask a question about rosemary.

When their purchases had been collected and handed over to their maids, they continued to explore the market.

“But do you have any feelings for him?” Thalia asked carefully. “You both have been spending an awful lot of time together. Is it possible that you have come to love him already?”

Selina froze, her heart suddenly beating faster and faster.

“I don't … I don't know,” Eleanor said honestly. “I don't know yet. I know that I do not find him as terrifying or as awful as I once had. He seems to have opened up to me, I think. And I worry about him a lot now. I do not know what to make of our current closeness, but I am honestly so scared. What if I fall short? What if I am less than he deserves?”

Thalia and Selina exchanged glances and they wrapped an arm around Eleanor from either side of her.

"There is no such thing. You are an amazing woman and truly precious. You have done a wonderful job of looking after his estate. He would be a fool not to recognize just how much of a priceless gem that you are." Selina said fiercely.

“Selina is right. You are a woman who has proven her worth time and time again. Not many could do what you have done. You should not doubt yourself or your strengths. He would be blessed to have a wife like you caring for him.” Thalia added, giving Eleanor a little squeeze.

“Do you really believe so?” Eleanor asked softly, her eyes glimmering with hope.

“Of course. Just as we are blessed to have you as our dear friend. And we more than anyone know just how special you are.” Selina assured gently.

Eleanor let her friends’ words wrap around her in a comforting haze of hope and dared to let herself dream.