Page 28 of The Fete of Summer (Tales of Crumbington #1)

Surrender

Three weeks later, pounding the gently sloping street leading to the village square, Nathan mulled over the appearance of fifty-nine-year-old Fingal Finnegan.

Apart from having to listen intently to his Irish brogue, he had quickly warmed to the man, found him down-to-earth and more inspired than Nathan had ever been about the profession.

He reminded Nathan of his grandfather. His eyes had sparkled when he’d toured their simple operation.

Another huge bonus was that he and Arthur Meade got on like long-lost brothers.

Fingal had spent time shadowing him, Arthur and Halina, going through each simple routine, including opening the store, dealing with invoices and closing and cashing up in the evening.

He had even suggested improvements, things Nathan had never before considered.

Nathan knew he could confidently leave Fingal in charge for the weekend. With his experience, he could manage as well, if not better, than Nathan.

So why did that not feel good enough?

How could he voice his concern with Jaymes when his lover had lit up like an overexcited retriever at the chance to spend a weekend away together?

Jaymes had pounced on the opportunity to tell Polly that he’d managed to prise Nathan away from the shop for a short break, using the ruse that he would combine the visit with a meeting of his fellow environmentalists.

Naturally, Polly had not bought the idea for one minute and called him at the shop.

“What’s all this about you getting someone to manage the bakery for you over a weekend?” she had asked.

“Friends offered their holiday cottage. And your cousin is difficult to refuse when he gets an idea in his head.”

“In all the years I’ve known you, Nathan, you’ve never left the shop in someone else’s hands.”

“You think I haven't considered that? But Fingal understands the business better than anyone. And I'm not far away if things go south.”

“You know Jaymes is going to talk your ears off about trees and nature and shit. Are you prepared for that?”

“I have earbuds and playlists for that eventuality. Hey, here’s a thought. Why don’t you come along?” Nathan had asked in the certainty that Polly would refuse.

“Jaymes asked me already. If it hadn’t been term time, I might have considered.”

A part of him had wanted Polly to talk him out of the idea.

“Do you think I shouldn't go?”

“I didn’t say that.” Polly had gone quiet then. “Is this progress, Nathan?”

“You’d need to ask my therapist. Oh hang on, that’s you. Look, I have no idea what this is, but I’m going to give it a try. Even if I end up strangling your cousin and heading back early to face charges.”

“In which case, you have my blessing.”

Nathan stopped to drink from his water bottle outside the village locksmith where a huge bronze key hung in the shop window.

He recalled the moment, last Monday, when he’d braved handing over the spare set of shop keys to Fingal.

But as he’d placed them into the man’s callused palm, he’d felt removed from his body, as though someone else had done the deed.

What should have been a moment of liberation had felt like a betrayal.

Moving on again, he jogged past the local chemist, slowing when he read a poster advertising homoeopathic remedies for anxiety, fear and panic attacks.

However irrational the emotion, the thought of being away from the shop even for a single working day tied his stomach in knots.

If he had time, he might pop back later and chat with the chemist.

When he finally reached the darkened front windows of the bakery, he refused to look into the two huge panes of ancestral eyes glaring at him.

Was Polly right?

Was his sense of loyalty to the family business outdated and misguided?

* * * *

Later that morning, just after ten, having showered and dressed and stuck around long enough to help through the morning rush, Nathan tossed his overnight bag into the back of Jaymes’ Land Rover. Even Jaymes’ unbridled enthusiasm as he hammered down the stairs could not quash Nathan’s anxiousness.

“I need to drop off files to a colleague in Frome in Somerset,” he said as he squeezed into the driving seat and started the engine. “A minor diversion. Is that going to be okay?”

“Of course.”

“Then I thought we could stop for lunch. Should get us into the Cotswolds mid-afternoon.”

“Sure.”

“Can you text Gallagher and let him know?”

“Will do,” said Nathan.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine. I’m fine,” said Nathan, bowing his head to his phone and prodding the screen.

For a change, the draughty Land Rover felt overheated and stuffy.

Nathan popped open the top buttons of his shirt as one road after another slipped past. A minute later, he rolled down the window and breathed cool air.

His stomach felt unsettled. Strange, because he had never suffered from car sickness, even as a child.

They managed to reach the outskirts of Crumbington before Nathan demanded Jaymes pull the car over.

“I can’t do it, Jaymes.” He braced his hands against the dashboard, his breathing erratic and his heart racing. “I can’t leave the shop unsupervised.”

“It’s not unsupervised, Nate. Fingal is more than capable—”

“I know. I know ,” said Nathan, putting his head into his hands and scrubbing at his hair, his heart still pounding. “In theory, I know he is. Better than anyone. But I have this feeling that if I leave, something terrible will happen. Don’t ask me how or why, but I just know.”

“Okay, Nate. Now you’re sounding irrational. Nothing’s going to happen—”

“How do you know ?” shouted Nathan, looking up and glaring at Jaymes, hearing himself getting hysterical. “You don’t . Nobody does. Shit happens that none of us can predict.”

“Nate, Nathan,” said Jaymes, switching off the engine and pulling Nathan into his arms. “Christ, you’re shaking, baby. Take a few breaths.”

Very soon, Jaymes’ body heat began to work its magic. He hugged Nathan tight and stroked calming circles into his back with the palm of his hand.

“I’ve told very few people this,” Nathan murmured into his shoulder.

“Not even Polly. But my mother was taken into hospital while I was at school. I came home that day to find her gone. I had to say goodbye to her from the side of a hospital bed. And my father died in his sleep. A heart attack. I found him after I returned home from a morning run. If I’d been there—”

“You could have done nothing, Nate. Okay, look. I’m no psychiatrist, but my guess is that your worry comes from the feeling you’re abandoning the shop.

I get it, Nate. I do. But in the case of your parents, hell, even in the case of Clifton, they left you and there wasn't a damn thing you could have done. This time, you’re in control.

This time the choice is yours, and you’re going back.

You’re not abandoning anyone or anything, are you? ”

Tears welled in Nathan’s eyes. Everything Jaymes said made sense. He had told himself the same thing time and time again. But nobody had ever reflected those thoughts back to him.

“I hate this fucking village, Jay. I do. And I hate my fucking life here. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I have a normal life like everyone else?”

“You think everyone else has it better? Sorry to piss in your pastry, Nate, but that’s simply not the case.

One of Polly’s teaching colleagues, a single parent, is bringing up a young son with cerebral palsy.

And do you know what terrifies her most, what keeps her awake at night?

The thought of what’s going to happen when she’s too old to care for him.

Or what happens to him if anything happens to her.

More people than you can imagine are dealing with real nightmares and just trying to make it through each day. ”

Still held by Jaymes, Nathan quietened, hearing their hearts almost beating in tandem.

“Look, if you really don’t want to go,” said Jaymes, “we will turn around right now and head back. But if it helps any, remember that Polly’s going to be there the whole weekend and she’ll call if there’s a problem.

Halina, Arthur and Fingal have your contact number.

And we’re a drive away, in the unlikely event we need to get back urgently.

More importantly, you deserve this break.

You’ve earned it. So what do you want to do? Just say the word.”

Nathan pulled away and straightened. He could breathe again. Without looking at Jaymes, he swiped at his eyes with the palm of his hand.

“Did you ever see that film The Forgotten ?” he asked, trying to make light of his meltdown. “With Julianne Moore. About aliens abducting kids, removing the parents’ memories of them and then observing to see if they ever recalled their own offspring?”

“I can safely say I have never seen the movie.”

“There’s a bit where the aliens can just ping a person into the sky, rip them from the earth and whip them straight up into space. I wish that would happen to me right now.”

“Really? I’ll put that on my list of movies to definitely never watch. What do you want to do, Nate?”

Nathan took a deep calming breath and pushed a hand through his hair. The moment had passed despite the undercurrent of his dark thoughts and still feeling nauseous.

“Let’s do this thing.”

“Good man,” said Jaymes, starting up the engine.

They travelled silently for the next ten minutes, and Nathan simply breathed. If anything, he felt embarrassed about his meltdown, and found starting a conversation again tricky. Did Jaymes think less of him because of his show of weakness? Eventually, he found some common ground.

“His name’s Billy,” said Nathan.

“Sorry?”

“The kid with cerebral palsy. Jemma Corrigan’s boy, Polly’s colleague. He goes to St Joseph’s. Absolutely lovely kid. Played in the school football team against us. Has a bit of trouble balancing and staying upright all the time, but the lad has so much enthusiasm and the most infectious laugh.”

Without saying a word, Jaymes reached across and placed a hand on Nathan’s upper thigh.

Nathan sniffed once and looked at Jaymes’ grinning face as he concentrated on driving.

And right then, his heart gave a tug. Something awakened in him as though he had just witnessed the most spectacular sunrise.

As inconvenient as the emotion might be considering the finite time they had left, he realised something unquestionable in that brief, blindingly obvious moment.

He had fallen in love with Jaymes.