Page 23

It’s dusk when I look out at Tristan’s horse barn only a couple hundred feet away. Is Annette waiting there, ready to help me make my grand escape?

She’s probably watching me sit on this yellow couch.

The nerves from everything, but especially hoping for Tristan to return, make me restless. After shifting my stiff legs, which ache from hours of sitting, I stand. Maybe I should go talk to Annette. I could explain.

A laugh nearly leaks out of me. Explain what? That I changed my mind? I’m staying, and she can’t have Tristan anymore?

No, better to keep my distance from her, especially considering her threats. I’m not sure how she plans to make me wish for death now that I’m not leaving with her tonight, but what’s the worst she could do? Even if Tristan can’t find it in his heart to forgive me, I doubt he’d let her hurt me. Also, Annette’s not the only one who holds power. I can still show Tristan the memory of her threatening me. It could damage the last threads of their friendship.

She’s just going to have to get used to me sticking around.

I’m shocked at how right staying here feels. Especially when hours ago, I would have staked my life on what I thought I knew about the clans and the best way to keep them safe. Now I know differently: the clans’ tormentors are not from Kingsland. By staying here and not uniting the clans against a false enemy, I’m saving people’s lives.

And that’s hardly the only benefit. I think of the women here and how they’re not held back from anything. They can join the elite guard if they’re a good enough soldier or run a hospital, like Enola. Stars, even Caro tells Dr. Henshaw what to do.

For me, this means an opportunity to study under a surgeon, which will make me a more effective healer. Perhaps one day I could return to the clans and bring this much needed knowledge to help them.

I also get to choose who I marry.

My lips part as my face lifts to the sky. I’ve already chosen. I’m married. I’ve never thought of my union to Tristan as a real marriage, but that’s entirely my fault. I could change that—if he’d let me.

If my confession about his father hasn’t ruined everything between us before it’s had a chance to start.

Through sleepy eyes, I see a figure looming over me, then move to grasp my arm.

I jerk away with a yelp.

“It’s me,”

Tristan says.

I sit up, feeling my side of the connection reach for him. “Oh, I thought you were . . . someone else.”

I don’t dare say Annette’s name.

It’s dark now, but the little bit of light from the house reflects off his face. His eyes are downcast.

“I’m surprised you’re still here.”

His voice sounds different. Tight.

The connection is giving me very little of what he’s feeling. Scared of what that means, I try to touch his hand, but he moves back.

“Tristan,”

I whisper.

He removes a stack of folded papers from his pocket and drops them into my lap.

I suck in a breath, recognizing them as the ones I stole from Farron’s office. He searched my room?

His eyes watch me closely. “So it’s true?”

His betrayal splinters off into shards that lodge in my throat. “Annette wasn’t lying.”

Ah. Annette searched my room. Somehow. Then found Tristan when I didn’t show tonight. My face grows hot. My thoughts tangle and knot as I try to think of how to explain.

“They told me. Everyone warned me this would happen. That I’d be too blinded by my feelings to see the treachery right in front of my face. Is the part about you planning to leave tonight also true?”

I get to my feet. “Yes. But let me explain.”

A groan leaks from him as he spins away.

“No, listen. I only wanted to go home and protect my people from being killed. And you knew that. You’ve seen it every time we were together.”

He looks at me in astonishment. “Do you know why I walked away earlier? It’s because I felt like a terrible son. My father died, and it hit me that if given the chance to change the outcome, I wouldn’t. Because if he hadn’t have died . . . I wouldn’t have you.”

I wasn’t the cause of his disgust earlier? He was upset at himself. A lump rises painfully in my throat.

“I chose you,”

he says raggedly. “I chose you over him, and then I find out that you were—do you know how many of our people would have died if the Saraf saw these reports?”

My hands fly to my chest. “And what about my people? My family? I couldn’t sit by and do nothing. You have to understand that all my life I’ve been told that Kingsland was filled with evil barbarians. Then I was shot by one with a poisoned arrow, taken to this forbidden place, and starved and locked away in a room. You yourself told me I would never see my family again. I heard you promise justice that sounded like obliteration of the clans. So yes, until I learned the truth hours ago, I felt compelled to escape and help my people. The clans are outnumbered and outgunned. If the roles were reversed, you would have done the same.”

Tristan stares at the ground. “Except we’re not evil barbarians, are we? All that you’ve been taught was a lie. The only person who would kill innocent people is your father, and I prayed every day that you would see the truth, while hoping the connection would show you how much I . . .”

He stops to bite his lip. “I’ve done everything in my power to give you anything you wa—”

“Except letting me leave!” I shout.

A bird startles and flaps away from a tree.

My chest rises and falls sharply. I’ve never yelled at a man like this before. “I know I was considered a security threat, but at least be honest and call it what it is. I’m your prisoner, Tristan. And to some extent, I always will be. Everything you said and did was tainted by mistrust because you held the keys to my cage.”

His chin drops to his chest.

Blazing skies, this isn’t how I wanted this to go. “But that’s not—”

“You’re right.”

My throat hitches. “What?”

His eyes lock and hold with mine, and the sadness I see in them threatens to tear me in two. “I forced you to stay, and I lied to myself about what we were becoming. You didn’t choose this.”

His lip curls like he’s repulsed. “And I won’t make you. Come. I’ll take you to the fence. I’ll take you right now.”

He starts to walk but stops abruptly and faces me with a grimace. “I only ask that you don’t use the information from those papers to hurt us.”

Then he turns from me and leads the way across the yard.

I stare after him as the space between us grows. He’s really doing it. He’s letting me go. My hands lift to rest on my head as an absolute feeling of wrongness grates behind my ribs. “And what if I don’t want to go to the fence?”

I call after him.

He stops.

“At least, not today,” I add.

He turns around.

“I didn’t know.”

Emotion twists my voice. “I didn’t know that we’ve been blaming Kingsland for something they didn’t do. Or that you’ve tried to make peace by giving us supplies. I didn’t know, but now I do, and it changes everything. Annette only gave you those papers because I didn’t show up to leave. I’m still here because I believe you, and I want to stay. No more betrothal to Liam. I won’t unite the clans against Kingsland.”

His face is still a picture of heartbreak. I swallow hard. “But I understand I’ve broken your trust. So I won’t blame you if you can’t do this—be with me anymore.”

Tristan’s hands twitch at his sides. And then he’s marching back. I hold my breath as he invades my space. His hot hands cup my cheeks. “The only thing I can’t do anymore is get closer to you and let you own more and more of me if this isn’t what you want.”

I cling to him as the wall he’s built in the connection explodes like a river rock burned in a fire. Instantly, I’m overwhelmed with his desperation and something that can only be described as love.

My hands fist in his shirt as I pull him to me. “I want this, Tristan.”

I pause, letting the truth of my words sink in, then I kiss him. I kiss him like he holds my next breath.

Because I have never wanted anything more.