Page 119 of The End of the World As We Know It

She was getting used to having him around, and one day, she’d be so used to him that the thought of losing him would terrify her.

Maryellen was coming in from the kitchen garden with the last of the potatoes when she noticed the paddock gate had been left open to the meadow and the forest beyond, a temptation set for the three cows and Ruby.

The cows were gone, but Ruby stood by the water trough.

Maryellen saddled Ruby and rode out after the cows. They had not gotten far and she easily herded them home. She found Wayne in the house, sitting in front of the hearth, his eyes trained on the dancing flames like they were telling him a story.

“Did you leave the gate open?” she asked as she hung up her jacket. “Because the cattle were loose in the woods.”

“Oh geez, maybe I did,” he said, his eyes widening. “I’m sorry.”

She wanted to believe him. Because not believing him meant he thought he could lie to her and get away with it.

He was changing. She could not deny it. He was like a plant slowly, slowly turning as it followed the sun. He was changing in ways that were disquieting—leaving things undone, pretending not to hear her, disappearing for hours with her daddy’s shotgun.

A week later, Maryellen was stacking the hay in the loft that she’d found in the Tanners’ barn when she saw Wayne pointing the firearm at Ruby. She thought at first that she was hallucinating: Wayne generally avoided her horse. But no, her eyes weren’t playing tricks. Wayne stood with the gun leveled at Ruby’s head. He was taking deep breaths. His arms looked to be trembling.

“Hey!” she shouted so he could hear her, though he was far away. “What are you doing?!”

He snapped to attention at the sound of her voice, swiveling to find her. His face had gone pale and he let the rifle droop to the ground. “When did you get back? I thought you’d gone down to your neighbors’ place…”

But she was already down the ladder and running toward him, herheart pounding the entire time. She could not imagine why he was doing this, what had gotten into him. Was he going to kill her, too, girl and horse linked in his mind? “What were you planning? Were you fixing to shoot Ruby?”

At Maryellen’s words, Wayne suddenly came to, no longer embarrassed at being caught. He lifted the weapon again in Ruby’s direction, though he didn’t hold it as high this time. Maryellen stopped dead in her tracks twenty feet away from Ruby, who nickered at the sight of her.

Wayne’s eyes smoldered. “It’s her or me, Maryellen. You’re letting this horse stand in our way. We got to leave here—youknowit—and you won’t do it as long as she’s alive. I don’t have a choice.”

Maryellen’s mind reeled. Had she really been sharing a bed with this man for the past two months? She didn’t think the man she knew was capable of doing this, but now she saw that was because, as she feared, she didn’t really know him.

The man—boy—she knew was a mirage. An act he’d put on to gain her trust.

A small voice inside tried to argue:Don’t we all do that when we meet a stranger, pretend to be someone we’re not? Until we know we can trust them?

But not like this. He had crossed a line. He had pretended to be gentle, but in truth he was violent. Anyone could become violent if pushed, yes, but this was different.

He was showing her:I am dangerous.

She took a cautious step toward him. “Hold on. You’re right, Wayne. I see that now. We gotta leave. But… let me just say goodbye to her first, okay? We’ve been together my whole life. I—I can’t just let her go without saying goodbye.”

She made her voice soft, taking all the anger out of it so it would seem like she had surrendered. He watched her for a long minute, trying to decide. Finally, when Maryellen had just about given up hope, he lowered the gun. “Okay.Nowyou’re being reasonable. Go on—say goodbye. Then we pack our bags and go.”

She started toward the mare. But as she brushed past Wayne, she grabbed the shotgun with both hands. She’d caught him by surprise, but he managed to hold on as they struggled. He had the height and weight advantage. If he’d been a little bit heavier or had just a smidge more experience fighting, he would’ve been able to overpower her. But he did not, while she had roughhoused with her brothers every day for twelve years. He thought she would give in easily, like most girls he had known. He thought he’d gentled her, broken her like a green horse.

She saw an opportunity. If she got him off-balance, she could push him to the ground. It was risky: the gun could go off. But it was all she could think to do in the heat of the moment. She planted her feet and wrenched the weapon, twisting his arms in their sockets as he refused to let go. When she felt him wobble, unsure on his feet, she pushed. He fell on his back, bringing her down on top of him. Her advantage was that she knew it was coming, while he didn’t. In that moment of surprise, she yanked the firearm out of his hands and scrambled to her feet.

Standing ten feet away from him, Maryellen aimed the gun at his chest. Her arms did not shake.

He got to his feet slowly, hands raised half-heartedly. “You going to shoot me, Maryellen?”

“If I have to.” She reckoned he knew her well enough to know it was true. “Now you’re going to go in the house and pack your things and be on your way. And you’re not going to come back.”

She then followed him inside, the weapon leveled at him the entire time. Her arms did not tire. Her heart raced, though, to think how they had talked about leaving together. She had almost headed into the great unknown with this man. It seemed now like they had been playacting, but she also knew a part of her had been drawn to the idea. She had come close to making a bad mistake.

He stuffed his things in his backpack, keeping up a running conversation the whole time. “I’m sorry, Maryellen. I don’t know what came over me… I’d never shoot a living creature, you know that.”But when she didn’t budge, he got mad, saying she was making a huge error. “You need a man out here. It’s dangerous being out here by yourself. The next man might not be as nice as I am.” Finally, he said he wouldn’t stay with her now, even if she begged him.

He slung the bag over his shoulder and the way he looked at her sent a chill down her spine. She jerked her head and followed behind him as he walked through the front door.

The sun was starting to go down. Not a good time to be heading into the forest, but he had brought it on himself. There was something about the look in his eyes, though, that made her decide to ask. “You said you didn’t have any of those dreams, Wayne… but you did, didn’t you? That’s why you want to leave now.”