Page 82 of The Elements

“We don’t,” said Rebecca decisively, which was news to me, and I realized that we’d never discussed the topic of becoming parents.

I suppose I’d always taken it for granted that this would happen in time.

I turned to look at her, trying to keep the surprise off my face, and she deliberately stared into the bowl of her wine glass, swilling the contents just enough that they touched the peak of the rim without spilling over.

“I couldn’t bring a child into this world,” she continued. “I just couldn’t. I think about what your first husband did,”—Rebecca never referred to Brendan as her father, just as her mother’s first husband—“and I think about what happened to Aaron when he was a boy—”

“What happened to you when you were a boy?” asked Vanessa, looking at me.

“And I simply refuse to bring another human into such a world. If he or she could just be born as an adult, then that would be fine. But they have to go through childhood first, don’t they? And one way or another, someone will fuck them up. Or just fuck them.”

Vanessa muttered something under her breath and looked away, her jaw tightening.

I sensed there were emotions that she wanted to express but that she was uncertain how they might be received.

Ron took a sip from his beer while I stared down at my meal.

Eventually, Vanessa repeated her question, and in as brief a way as possible, keeping my language plain so as not to turn the evening any darker than it had already become, I explained what had taken place in my life when I was fourteen.

I know he meant well.

I know he was only trying to lighten the mood.

I know he simply didn’t understand the experience I had gone through, but that was when Ron said:

“Jesus. When I was that age, I would have given my left arm to be seduced by an older woman.”

The moment the words were out of his mouth, I think even he knew that he’d said the wrong thing. Vanessa froze, as did Rebecca. He closed his eyes, and they remained that way for about ten seconds while everyone at the table remained silent.

“I’m so sorry,” he said at last. “That was such a dumb thing to say. Obviously, I have no understanding of what you went through or the effect it had on you.”

“He didn’t say he was seduced by an older woman,” said Rebecca, her voice rising now, her tone enraged. I noticed a couple at a nearby table turning to look in our direction. “He said he was raped by one. There’s a big fucking difference, Ron.”

“I’m very sorry,” he repeated, reaching his enormous hand across the table and placing it atop mine, an intimate gesture that I found strangely comforting. “I’m a big stupid American who speaks before he thinks.”

“It’s fine,” I told him because I knew that his apology was sincere.

I’d heard men say things like this before.

The same men who would insist that if a thirty-two-year-old man even glanced in a lascivious way toward their fourteen-year-old daughter, they would gladly serve a life sentence for their murder.

Vanessa took her husband’s left hand, leaving three of us physically connected. Only Rebecca held herself apart.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Ron whispered to his wife, and she gave him a quick kiss as he looked around the table, his brow furrowed.

“I know what Vanessa suffered. And, of course, I know what happened to Emma. So it’s not something to make light of.

Maybe that’s one of the things that brought you two together? ”

Oh Ron , I thought. Stop speaking. Please stop speaking.

Rebecca put her glass down, firmly, and placed her hand against her forehead, holding it there.

“It’s a terrible world we live in,” he continued. “I had such a happy childhood myself. I hope you’ve found a way to make peace with what happened to you, Aaron.”

“Well, I try not to allow it to affect my life any deeper than it already has,” I replied quietly.

“That seems very sensible,” said Vanessa. “If you don’t mind me asking, what happened to the woman? Did you report her?”

“Only a couple of years ago. By which time, she’d done a lot of damage to other boys. I should have done it earlier.”

“You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“I know, but I regret my delay.”

“And was she punished?”

“Yes. Arrested, charged, tried, and incarcerated. She admitted to it all. And worse.”

“What could be worse?”

“Suffice to say she won’t be setting foot outside prison again in her lifetime.”

“Well, that’s something.”

“Please don’t ever mention my sister’s name again,” said Rebecca quietly, looking down at the table. Her tone made it clear that she’d spent the last couple of minutes seething over Ron’s remarks.

“Rebecca,” said Vanessa.

“I mean it. You didn’t know her. You never met her. So please don’t speak about her as if you have any understanding of who she was or what we lost.”

I turned to her, pleading with my eyes for her to stop, but her attention was focused solely on him.

“I won’t,” he replied, his tone entirely sincere. “And I apologize for doing so. I didn’t realize it would upset you this much, but I do now and will keep it in mind in the future.”

I could feel the tension in her simmering away, longing to boil over.

Her fury that he was being so reasonable and refusing to participate in an argument.

She wanted to tear into him, this substitute father, someone who might soak up the rage she felt toward her real one, but he simply wasn’t giving her the opportunity.

“Perhaps Aaron and I should go for a drink in the bar,” he suggested finally, looking down at our plates, which were empty now. “You two ladies haven’t seen each other in so long. You could probably do with a little time to catch up without us boys getting in the way.”

I felt a sense of relief when Vanessa nodded.

It was more than an hour later before she rejoined us, telling me that Rebecca was waiting for me in the lobby.

“She’s not coming in to say goodbye?” I asked, and she shook her head.

“No, she just wants to go home.”

I said my goodbyes to both and made my way toward the door. Before I could leave, however, Vanessa caught up with me.

“Aaron,” she said, standing close to me.

“I want you to know that I love my daughter very much. I would lay down my life for her if I had to. And obviously I’ve only just met you for the first time tonight, but from what I’ve observed, you seem like a kind, thoughtful young man.

She’s lucky to have you. But, out of consideration to you, can I offer you one piece of advice? ”

“Of course,” I said.

She took both my hands in hers, clutching them tightly, and looked me directly in my eyes.

“Don’t marry her,” she said. “You’re a fool if you do.”