Page 23 of The Ecstasy of Sin (Brutal Brotherhood #1)

Wren

Today has been an absolute disaster.

I woke to the sound of thunder cracking overhead, the low rumble shaking the shelter walls like a bad omen.

Despite the storm, the bell still rang—its harsh clang telling us it was time to clear out for the day. A sea of exhausted women and children moved like ghosts through the halls, forced back out into the cold while staff reset the facility for the next night.

The moment I stepped outside, I was drenched. The rain poured so heavily it was hard to see through it. It soaked through my jacket in seconds, helping the bitter wind sink right down through the fabric to my skin.

Still, I made the long walk to the library, because despite being so exhausted from the endless job hunting, I couldn’t stop. Thanks to Dominic’s generosity, I had medication for a little over four more months, but it wasn’t going to last forever.

Although he left me money and a gift card in my backpack, and refused to take it back, I couldn’t bring myself to use any of it. I didn’t want to take from him, especially after he saved my life.

When I finally arrived, I paused in the entryway, using the sleeve of my sweatshirt to wipe some of the rain from my face and neck. The library staff stared at me like I was a cockroach tracking in filth.

I ignored the sting of their judgmental stares and forced myself to keep walking, my chin held high, like I wasn’t a homeless girl seeking a few moments of shelter in their public building.

My feet started to ache as I walked up the wide staircase to the top floor, finding an empty computer so I could get to work. I typed up my résumé just as I’ve done a hundred times before, but right when I was ready to print off some copies, the power went out.

And it stayed out. For two hours.

I had no other option but to wait. I couldn’t even apply for jobs from my phone without the WiFi to access the internet.

I was exhausted in a way sleep couldn’t fix. My fatigue was a ghost living in my bones, whispering to me the sweetest cruelty, reminding me that I could give up whenever I wanted to.

I’d lost my application for Medical Assistance in Dying before I ever had a chance to drop it off. And with everything that has happened since meeting Dominic, I hadn’t thought to print it and try again.

But today… today made the idea tempting again. I couldn’t help but feel like everything was stacked against me. Like the universe was determined to see me fail.

When the power was finally restored, I printed my résumés and headed back out into the downpour, dropping them off anywhere that looked like it might be hiring; fast food joints, diners, gas stations and convenience stores .

Around four in the afternoon, I got a call from a company I’d applied to earlier in the week. The owner said they had just lost two employees and needed immediate replacements. They asked if I could come in for an interview at five and start that night if it went well.

Hope flared in my chest like sunrise breaking through the storm—but it dimmed the second I realized they were all the way across the city.

Despite my reluctance, I pulled out the bundle of cash Dominic had stuffed in my pack and stared at it for a long moment before peeling out a single twenty.

I promised myself it was a loan, that I wasn’t going to use a dollar more.

I’d pay it back after my first paycheck, and find a way to give the money back to him somehow.

This was an emergency, and borrowing felt better than taking.

I bought a bus ticket and made my way across the city, trying to steady my nerves. But somewhere in the haze of fatigue and anxiety, I missed my stop.

In a panic, I hopped off too far down the line, thinking I was close enough to walk the rest of the way. When I checked the time, I knew I was going to be late, but I still had to try. I jogged the rest of the way to the restaurant, pushing my body far past its limits.

As expected, I didn’t make it on time.

It was five forty-five by the time I finally made it through the front doors and found the owner of the restaurant. He looked appalled by the state of me; with my clothes dripping wet, panting from the exertion it took to get here, and late despite my promise to be there on time.

The owner just shook his head at me. They had more applicants than expected, and he had already hired the two people he needed.

I was devastated, but I didn’t let it show. I thanked him, and walked out without another word.

Drenched in rain, sweat and misery, I made it halfway back across the city on foot before the exhaustion hit me like a freight train. The feeling was worsened by the chill in the air, penetrating my clothing without mercy.

I collapsed onto a bench in a small, quiet park and told myself I’d rest for an hour. Just enough to recharge a little before making the rest of the walk back to the shelter.

When I finally woke up, the sky was pitch black. I wouldn’t have stirred at all if not for the all too familiar cramps of hunger.

I pull my last protein bar from my pack—the one I was saving for emergencies—and choke it down bite by bite, not because I’m hungry, but because my body needs the calories.

I check the time on my phone, expecting it to be around eight.

It’s four minutes past ten, and curfew at the shelter is ten, no exceptions. The doors are locked, whether or not the beds are filled, for the safety of the women and children.

Feeling utterly defeated, I squeeze my eyes shut tight and tilt my head back towards the night sky. The rain isn’t as heavy now, but it’s still falling, leaving icy droplets across my face .

When the tears finally come, they blend with the rainwater, and I let myself feel the devastation of this miserable fucking day.

When I finally get to my feet, I’m shivering from the cold, wondering what the hell I’m going to do for the night. It’s so much easier to cope with stress when you have a warm bed to sleep in.

Thinking of the money that Dominic left for me, I brace against the guilt and embarrassment that hits me. I should use some of the money to get a room at a motel for the night.

Another emergency, and another addition to the debt I owe him. A debt I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repay. It’s either that, or sleeping out here in the cold and rain.

My eyes roam the darkness that surrounds me, searching for the man that has been stalking me since we met weeks ago at the clinic.

I find nothing but empty shadows.

Maybe he finally realized how worthless and hopeless I am.

I squeeze my eyes shut again. I’m tired of crying. I’m just… tired of everything, really.

Survive tonight, I tell myself. Survive, so tomorrow, you can submit your MAiD application and be done with this.

I dig through my soaked backpack, my fingers clumsy and cold, and find something solid near the bottom. When I pull it free, my eyes widen.

Vanguard Fitness. 24-Hour Access. And it has one month left before it expires. I can’t believe I forgot I had a gym membership. I bought it months ago when there was a promotion, and still had a job .

Getting a shower at the shelter is always hit or miss, depending on how busy it is and how many kids are staying the night.

Showers make me feel a little more human, and I like to take one every day if I can. The membership wasn’t intended for exercise, it’s for access to the women’s locker room at any hour of the day or night.

This is a better option than using Dominic’s money, and owing him a debt I can’t repay.

Grabbing my pack, I sling it over my shoulder and head in the direction of the gym. Thoughts of a hot shower and a quiet locker room fill my head with something other than my overwhelming sadness.

***

When I arrived at the gym, I felt like a ghost. The overnight attendant at the counter didn’t even look up at me when I quietly entered in the dead of night, and the second overnight staff member didn’t acknowledge my existence as they went about their night routine.

The entire building is quiet, and I was relieved when I entered the women’s locker room and found it completely empty, the lights dimmed for the overnight hours.

It felt good to strip my soaked clothes from my body, peeling every frigid layer away from my skin as I undressed in the silence .

And when I finally stepped into the steamy spray of water in the small shower stall? Pure bliss.

I pulled the frosted curtain closed and stood beneath the stream, letting it chase away the cold still clinging to my body.

The way a hot shower feels after a miserable, freezing day is poetry. It’s the redemption arc I’m desperate for.

Nothing makes me feel more human than this.

More than ready to wash away the day, I reach over to the soap dispenser bolted to the tile wall and start scrubbing every inch of myself. Sweat, grime, rain, and tears swirl down the drain in a whirl of temporary absolution.

I wish it could take the heaviness that has settled in my soul away with it.

If I could crack open my chest and let the water rinse every ugly thought from me, I would. Maybe then I could find the strength people insist lives somewhere inside all of us.

As I’m rinsing off the soap, mesmerized by the suds as they slide down my skin and disappear into the drain between my feet, a strange sound echoes through the large communal shower room.

I can’t figure out what it was. I pause, leaning away from the hiss of the shower head to listen, but a few moments pass and I don’t hear it again.

I assume it’s just the staff, maybe closing a door or moving through the locker room. Shrugging it off, I tilt my head back under the stream, rinsing the shampoo from my hair as I hum softly under my breath.

There aren’t many moments in a week where peace feels possible—let alone in the mess of my entire life. So, I have every intention of lingering in this shower for as long as I can, before it becomes unreasonable, and I need to get dressed and figure out some way to keep myself busy until sunrise.