Page 35 of The Duke’s Return (Dukes of the Compass Rose #2)

G enevieve felt the weight of Julian’s words settling heavily over her as they sat beside one another on the chaise. Although she wanted to reach out to him, to even look at him, she didn’t dare move.

She didn’t want to frighten him away.

Simply seeing the visible frustration and uncertainty on his face when he was taking a seat there had stunned Genevieve. Her charming, clever husband struggled. He had looked so raw, so young. That sight had made her want to wrap him in her arms to protect him from the world.

I don’t think he would have let me. Would he have run?

The little she said was only meant to nudge him along, though every time she took a breath, she worried that it might be too much. And yet he had kept talking. He had shared with her from the heart. The tension and raw honesty in his tone grounded her, making her wish she could weep for him.

All the while, she couldn’t help but imagine a clever young boy with golden curls and a sweet smile. How earnest he would have been, looking for attention. Answers. Love. Doesn’t every child want that? And yet he had only received fake versions of it all.

“How precious you are,” she remembered his family telling her when they had met. Their wide smiles and open hands had made her so hopeful. “We are so glad to have you in the family! What a shame the duke isn’t around. You know, we had just been talking to him about a new horse…”

“Anything to help family,” she had responded.

Over and over again, she had done as they asked. It had grown tedious fairly soon upon realizing the compliments were false and the attention wasn’t true. But she’d only dealt with them for a year. Although her mother was a trial, at least she’d had plenty of happy years with her three sisters.

I wish it were easier to love others. That we could love ourselves and them. That the world welcomed love. Is not love a strength more than a weakness? But then again, I am not one to judge. Our hearts are too strong at times for even us.

Genevieve licked her lips and tried to think of something to tell Julian now. Something that would comfort him. But the world felt too large and too cold for any words to save them.

“You’re shivering,” he murmured with a side glance in her direction.

“Hm?” She glanced down at her arms wrapped around herself. She hadn’t noticed.

Already rising, Julian said he would take care of it. Her eyes followed his every move as he bent to collect a poker and tended to the fire. The next shiver she felt, tucking her feet more tightly beneath her. But she didn’t leave off looking at Julian until he returned.

He glanced down at where her feet had disappeared, but didn’t say anything.

“It is hard playing a part.” Genevieve found her voice. She cleared her throat just to be certain. “Shakespeare was right, all we do is play a part for everyone else. A lifetime of performing for those who should have loved you must have been so difficult.”

He gave a halfhearted shrug.

“When I came out, I tried my hardest not to let that happen. I had seen a doting mother myself change through the years to care about the fashions more than how uncomfortable I felt. London is the only home I have ever known, and yet I was always a stranger. Sometimes I feel like I still am.

“And to some, I suppose I am. I always will be. We can’t be friends and family to everyone. We haven’t the time. Our lives feel like forever, but they aren’t. Not really.”

The two of them slowly turned to face one another. She couldn’t tell if one of them had started, or if it only felt right then.

Her heart skipped a beat as she met his gaze. Those beautiful blue eyes of his shined even in the dim lighting. She took a measured breath before going on.

“It’s different with everyone, of course.

I made my choices. My mother and I will never have a good relationship.

But I have three sisters and we call care for one another deeply.

And I have Phoebe, too, my dear friend. There are soirees and clubs that I have joined and participate in when I am able.

I know the ton doesn’t think I do enough, but that doesn’t matter to me.

Because I’ve made a life that I want. A life surrounded by all that I love. ”

She caught sight of the Adam’s apple in his throat. It bobbed as he swallowed silently. Sensing he wished to speak, Genevieve waited with stilted breath.

A minute passed before Julian finally spoke. “You make it sound easy.”

“No, I don’t.”

“You do,” he insisted gently. “How you do all that you do, I don’t understand. There was only one way to live that I understood. All the women and the gambling and the… Nothing was enough. The title mattered and yet that meant so little to me. When all of this wasn’t enough, I… I left.”

Understanding, she nodded. “The navy.”

“Someone might call it running away,” he admitted. “I thought I was doing some good. But maybe my intentions weren’t right, either. It feels like I’ve only ever been a pawn. Joining the navy was supposed to make amends. It would let me do the right thing. And yet…”

She waited and then asked, “What is it?”

A shuddering breath escaped him. “I don’t think I’ve ever done the right thing before in my life.”

Shifting closer so their knees touched, Genevieve gathered her courage to take hold of his hand on his closest leg. A sizzling sensation soared through their touch. Then she lifted her gaze again to meet his gaze.

“You have. Though you have played a part and charmed the world, never content with your lot, it doesn’t mean everything you did was a mistake.

We all make mistakes, Julian. We simply have the opportunity to…

to find our own way. Life is but a journey for us all.

Sometimes we have to find the right path and that can take a very long time.

But every step still takes us somewhere. ”

He leaned in. “It’s still in the wrong direction.”

“You still get to go somewhere. And sometimes it can be lovely even for a minute,” she promised him. “We all take beautiful detours before we find where we really wish to be.”

They were close now, she realized, their faces only inches apart as they talked quietly. Only the fire crackling beyond them was loud, a warm reminder that there was some sort of peace in the world. That there was hope for all of them no matter how damaged they might feel on the inside.

Does Julian realize how close we are?

She could have sworn his gaze shifted to view the rest of her face, including her lips, but the movement was so swift she couldn’t be certain.

But what if, she mused, he had noticed her lips?

Maybe they were soft or not soft enough.

Maybe they were too warm or too cold. Or maybe they were just what he was looking for.

Leaning forward, Julian wavered like he wished to say something.

Genevieve found she wished he wouldn’t. The thumping in her chest told her all she wanted was for him to touch her. To kiss her. To close the distance between them. She wanted them together, bound and connected.

Just a kiss. Just to know what it feels like.

As she thought about taking the lead in closing the distance, shifting invariably toward him, Julian exhaled. The sound was loud enough to make her pause. The curls on her cheek ruffled and she blinked in surprise.

Then he was rising in the next moment, moving away from her and standing.

Cold air surrounded her once she was alone. Wrapping her arms around herself, Genevieve worried she had misread the situation. She swallowed and looked up at him with a furrowed brow.

I must have done something wrong.

“It’s late.” Julian’s tone was light. A curl fell across his forehead. He smiled that familiar teasing smile. “I should be on my way. Try not to steal all of my favorite stories, duchess dear.”

And then he left, walking away with his shoulders straight and his head bowed. If only she knew what that meant.

A shuddering breath escaped her, so she clapped a hand over her mouth in the hopes that he didn’t hear anything. Emotions whirled inside as she traced her way back through their conversation to see what could have pulled him away. And yet he had not left in haste or anger. He simply took his leave.

The book sat forgotten in her lap. Genevieve dropped her hands down. She felt the pounding her heart grow heavy.

Leaning against the chaise back, she closed her eyes. Whatever had happened was unlike anything that she had experienced before. A truth, an intimacy had been shared. She hadn’t thought it possible with Julian.

But, oh, his story… his childhood. How could he ever be vulnerable? No one was ever there for him.

She wondered if she could be that person. If she wanted to be that, and if Julian would let her. But there were so many questions in her mind that she couldn’t answer, and it weighed heavily on her. She sighed as another thought came to mind––

No matter what happened between her and her husband, their planned month together was nearly over.