Page 22 of The Duchess’s Absolutely Delightful Dream (The Notorious Briarwoods #14)

T he play was done. The applause had been had. The bows were taken.

The night had been full of laughter, and the sun had at last set on the sea loch, leaving the land kissed in lavender and cobalt hues as the light vanished.

It was time.

Time to say what needed to be said.

Hamish would be so proud of her.

She was living just as he had asked, and yet it did not mean that everything she desired was working out. Somehow, she had thought that if she had just done as Hamish said, everything would fall into place, but it hadn’t.

It didn’t matter.

She still had to continue to be brave, to do as Hamish would want. To live the life that she was destined to live. And that wasn’t a tiny little life, sitting in a room in the Highlands, protecting herself.

And so, still in her costume from the play, whilst the Briarwoods and her own family and people who had been invited from all parts drank champagne, laughed, made conversation, played cards, and danced inside the castle, she found him standing out in the garden overlooking the loch.

Her heart, oh, her treacherous heart, it swelled at the sight of him.

How she loved him!

No, her heart wasn’t a traitor. Her heart was so wise because he was a great man. One of the greatest men she had ever known, and she ached with wanting, wanting something she feared she could never have.

She swallowed that thought, because wishing really didn’t do anything. Action did. She strode across the gravel, stood beside him, and wound her hand with his.

“Octavian,” she whispered, “I have to say something.”

And just as before, he said, his voice nearly broken, “Don’t.”

Much to her horror, her eyes stung and her throat tightened, but she did not give way. “Why not? When it is clear to me that you—”

“Because I won’t be able to bear it,” he growled.

“You won’t be able to bear me saying something? You, who have faced such great conflict?”

“Yes,” he bit out, “because this feels worse than any war I have fought.”

Her love could feel worse than all of that?

“I can’t believe that,” she protested as tears slipped down her cheeks. “I love you,” she said firmly.

No whispering, no hesitating, she declared, “I must say it, you see, because it is true. And when you go, which I know you will, I want you to understand that. I want you to know that I love you, even if you cannot love me…”

His gaze shot down to hers. “Do not love you?” he returned.

He drew in a harsh breath. “My God, woman, it’s not that I don’t love you.

I do. And that is what is making this sheer hell.

I love you. I love you more than the stars and the moon and the damn loch out there full of the creatures that play.

I love you more than I could ever put into words.

I love with you an intensity that terrifies me so entirely, I cannot let it break loose. ”

“Then,” she rushed, “what is there…?”

“I have to go,” he gritted. “I have to leave you, and I have to fight without fear, because if I let the fear of losing you control me, do you know what could happen?”

She began to tremble at his fierce passion. “No, I don’t,” she whispered.

“I could get people killed,” he stated harshly. “So I must get myself in order.”

“But, Octavian,” she said, “there is no order when it comes to something like this. There is only how you truly feel.”

“That isn’t so,” he lamented, his voice deep, almost guttural. “Life is full of emotions and desires, and if we act upon all of them, it’ll be utter chaos.”

He shook his head, his dark locks teasing his brow. “I know my family believes that love conquers all, that it saves all, but…oh, Ellie,” he whispered. “Love doesn’t exist on a battlefield.”

She sucked in a breath as he turned to her, took her face in his hands, and lowered his mouth to hers, kissing her fervently.

When he pulled away, he ground out, “I cannot regret what has happened here. I will do as you command. I will not feel sorrow when I think of these two weeks, but sometimes, by God, I wish…”

“What?” she cried.

His face grew gaunt. “People say that it is better to have loved than to have not loved. But I don’t know if that’s true.

The sort of pain I feel in my heart now, having to leave you, it is so…

Ellie,” he whispered, “I will have to shut you out. I will have to shut it all away. I never should have let it in.”

“Yes, you should have,” she countered.

He held onto her tightly then, pulling her against his chest.

“Ask me to wait for you,” she demanded. “Ask me.”

“I cannot,” he said, “because I don’t know if I will come back.

I could never do that to you. I could never do that to myself.

Because if I ask you to wait for me to come back, I know that I will do whatever it takes to come back, and I can’t do that, Ellie.

I must do whatever it takes to win the war.

I must not try to save myself. Do you understand? ”

She nodded against his chest, though the agony of it nearly crushed her. “I understand. I understand.”

And then he slipped away from her, walking out into the darkening night.

She stood there by the sea loch, the wind now whispering in, cutting through the glen, cold and merciless.

Clouds chased in overhead, ominous, a promise of the end of summer and the beginning of winter, and her heart broke again.

She knew that a heart could break again and again, but she had not anticipated how very terrible it would be this time.

She had chosen him. This. But that wasn’t the part that was undoing her.

No, the worst of it was how he was hurting himself, how he was punishing himself. How he did not see that love was not the enemy. That love would not make him a coward.

For that was his fear. Not that he wouldn’t love her. But that he would love her so much that he would betray himself and all he had ever fought for.

Tears poured down her face, and she dug her nails into her palms.

She’d found grand passion. But she never could have imagined it would be like this. This could not have been what Hamish meant.

There was nothing she could do to make Octavian see.

That was the cruel nature of people. Nobody else could force someone to see. No. They had to open up their eyes themselves. He had to see that their love was beautiful, not dangerous.

She searched the sky again, looking for any sign, any sign that Hamish might send her. But the sky was empty. The night had fallen, the osprey were gone, and her chest was empty because Octavian was taking her heart with him.