Page 17

17

SIOBHAN

I sit on the bench in the hallway just outside the courtroom as one by one people file in to sit in the benches and watch today's proceedings. I'm feeling sick to my stomach, body heavy with exhaustion. After Liam's obnoxious visit last night, I barely slept. I ended up downing the rest of the wine to knock myself out, and I'm sure that’s the reason for my nausea.

My head throbs, vision blurry as I read the notes I've made. I don't have any witnesses left now, no one to come back and help fight my case for me. When Sarah Duncan recanted, she was taken in for questioning and vanished. No one has seen her since and it terrifies me. If what she said was correct, I may have set her up for death all by simply pressing her to tell the truth.

Pressing a hand to my chest, I swallow down bile that wants to rise. I'll have to sit through the defense's witnesses one by one, and if questions arise, something to counter their statements or evidence, I can fight that, but I fear I haven't done my job to convince the jury that Mick O'Connor murdered that man.

My body is tense, so I fold my things up and shove them in my briefcase before deciding on a walk to clear my head. I head toward the elevators, thinking some fresh air before heading in will be nice, but on my way, I see a face I should welcome. Instead, it makes me stiffen.

Finn walks off the elevators and locks his eyes on me immediately. His eyebrows rise in recognition, but given what Liam said, I turn and feel even sicker. There's no way away from him, no way to make this interaction more private. I dart toward the ladies’ room and duck inside, praying he doesn't follow me, but he does.

A woman washing her hands looks up and gasps, muttering curses at us as she scurries out. Finn locks the door behind us and pulls me into his arms, kissing me hard and stealing my breath.

I shut my eyes and allow his arms to be comfort for a moment, but this isn't right. I push him away and straighten my jacket.

"This is a risk, you dumb asshole. What are you doing?" I can't stop the grin from curling my lips upward, and he braces himself on the wall behind me.

"I had to see you," he admits. "I came back to your place after my job, but you were sleeping."

I wasn't, but I don't tell him. I hailed a cab to a pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test, but I didn’t have the nerve to take it. It's there on my counter waiting on me, and I am too scared to do it. What if I really am pregnant with his baby? What will that say about me?

"Yes, well, this is going to get me in hot water." I think of McVeigh and how he told me to document everything. I can't very well tell the court I fucked a criminal in the bathroom of the courthouse during trial for one of his family members. My heart is hammering against my ribcage.

"I just had to tell you something." His lips steal kisses from mine again, and I love it. I want nothing more than to fade away into paradise with this man and his magic fingers, but I have a case to try. I have a life to live, a life that shouldn't include him, but my brain scrambles furiously to try to make it work somehow. To make it so that this deputy public prosecutor can have her fairy tale happily ever after moment with Finn O'Rourke.

"Go on." I glance at my watch. "I have to be in court in a few minutes."

"Sib, the judge…" Finn's eyes are stormy. I can tell he's wrestling with something. "Callahan is dirty, Sib. I have proof of it. He's taken payoffs by the Doyle Syndicate, canceled checks, crypto, you name it. And I have the verdicts of every case tried against them too. He's thrown them all. He's on their payroll."

I don't believe what I'm hearing. My pulse spikes again, adrenaline surging through my chest. What Finn is suggesting is preposterous. Brendan would never take payoffs or let guilty men go free. He's a good man, a righteous man.

"You're wrong," I say, but I feel my lip quivering, my stomach rolling.

"I'm not, Sib. I know it's got to be hard to hear this, but he's done and dusted. I have proof. I'd take it to McVeigh on my own, but they'd ask me how I got it and…" Finn's eyes search mine, and shame floods me. I've sucked this man's cock and swallowed him down and he's looking me in the eyes to say he committed a crime in order to find evidence that my mentor is dirty.

"I have to go," I blurt out, walking past him. The lock prohibits me, so I reach up to flick it, and Finn catches my hand.

"I'm not lying about this. I would never lie. I'm having Ronan's tech guys print images I took of files in the judge's chambers and?—"

"No, stop it." Reaching up, I cover one ear and put a finger in the other, my briefcase dangling from my hand, pinching my skin. "Stop. I can't hear this." Finn is confessing to breaking and entering, and I can't hear this or I'll be forced to prosecute him too, even if it is to uncover a dirty judge.

He holds his hands up and unlocks the door, backing away in surrender as I rush out. My head is spinning, tears welling up in my eyes as I start to dry heave. I need to get away from him, far away. I need time to process and think, but I have to be in court. The only place I know he won't approach me is in the courtroom behind my table, so I dart through the double doors just as Judge Callahan is being announced, and I lose the battle with my breakfast.

Vomit rises, spilling out of my mouth all over the aisle in the courtroom. Brendan stands behind his bench staring at me as all eyes turn to take me in. I'm a mess, sobbing and throwing up, and the gavel smacks as people start whispering.

A woman nearby passes me a tissue I use to mop up my mouth, and Callahan says, "It appears Deputy Public Prosecutor Gallagher is feeling ill today. We'll recess until tomorrow."

I stand there for a second staring at my breakfast on the floor before I realize if I don't get out of here, Finn will come looking again. I dart back into the hallway and he's not there, so I make a beeline for the stairs and hustle down, still reeling over his news.

There's no way Brendan is dirty, no way. I can't believe that. If I believe that, then my entire view of the justice system of this country is skewed. How could he mentor me to be the most honest, ethical, upstanding prosecutor—to take down the criminal underworld with dignity, and then be dirty too? It doesn't make sense.

I hail the first cab and slide the driver a fifty to get me home fast. The only place I'll feel safe is tucked away in my penthouse with the doors locked. I don't even know why I'm running, or what I'm running from. Is it Finn? Am I scared of him? Or am I scared he's right, that my whole professional life is a scam?

And how could he have seen it all along when I saw nothing? Yes, the judge was in my home without my permission, but he's a powerful man. Right? He has his ways because of his stature, not because someone criminal is behind him pulling strings.

I can't think straight until I'm inside my apartment with the doors locked. I set my briefcase down, only just realizing I've gotten vomit on it too. After wiping it off, I take off my shoes and go to pour myself a drink when I remember the pregnancy test. I didn't just vomit because breakfast was off or I was stressed.

My tender boobs, my extra fatigue, sickness… They all add up to something. And my period is late too. I already know what it means and I'm living in denial. I can pour a glass of wine but it won't remove the truth. It will only numb me from feeling it.

I walk into the bathroom and pull out the test. The plastic white wand is light but my heart is heavy. I hear banging on my door, Finn's voice calling my name, but I ignore it as I hike up my skirt and pull down my panties. I squat over the toilet, holding the wand in the stream of my urine.

It says to wait three full minutes, but the test processes almost instantly. Before I'm even done pissing I see two pink lines. I'm fecking pregnant. I'm having a Mafia baby. I'm dirty, stained, soiled. There's no going back. This isn't just undercover work now. I'm joined to them forever and there's nothing I can do about it.

Tears come hot and fast, and I slump down onto the toilet with my panties around my ankles listening to Finn O'Rourke—my baby's father—banging on my door. What have I done?