Page 55

L ydia did not sleep well the night before she was to be returned home.

She imagined how Papa would speak to her – oh, how he would scold her!

She imagined Jane’s look of sorrow and disappointment.

She imagined all her sisters turning their backs on her and refusing to know her.

She imagined – and this was the worst of all – going up to her Mama’s room and finding it empty.

Her imaginings kept her awake until dawn. She managed a few hours sleep before the noise of the household woke her. She donned the black dress Aunt Gardiner had given her – her maid’s uniform was now in her satchel – and put her hair up as best she could.

Downstairs, she managed a piece of toast and some tea, as her aunt watched her anxiously. “Take a few muffins for the road, Lydia; you will be hungry soon enough.”

“I do not feel that I could eat, Aunt; I am too nervous. What if they do not want me back?”

“Then you will come back here to me, Lydia but truly, I cannot imagine this to be the case. You must allow them to express their anger and disappointment, of course; you will have to simply bear that as best you can, for you have caused them a good deal of trouble and worry. But I am certain all will be well in the end.”

Lydia nodded, but was clearly unconvinced.

When it was time to go, she had tears in her eyes as she hugged her aunt. “Thank you, Aunt. I love you.”

Mrs. Gardiner could not recall the last time Lydia had said these words to her, let alone with such sincerity; she hugged the girl hard before releasing her into her husband’s care.

Mr. Gardiner handed Lydia into the carriage and climbed in after her.

The ride began in silence, with Lydia staring out the window, swathed in the warm grey cloak her aunt had provided for her.

Her hands were clenched tightly on her satchel, and the fabric her aunt had gifted her sat beside her, wrapped in brown paper.

Mr. Gardiner wondered if it would be best for him to speak to her, or to wait for her to begin? Madeleine was definitely better at understanding such things. Finally, he said, “I am here for you if you wish to talk, Lydia, but perhaps you prefer to be silent. I will let you take the lead.”

She turned to him. “Uncle, perhaps you can help me understand why I am so very stupid.”

“Stupid?”

“I must be very stupid indeed, as I know none of my sisters would have done such a thing as elope with an officer!”

“But, oddly enough, if it had been a true elopement, and you had returned to Longbourn with a husband, everyone would have been happy. Is that not so?”

“Well, Mama would have been happy, that much is certain. But, thinking back on it, he could not possibly have supported me. He had no money at all; what little money he earned as an officer was quickly spent on drink and gambling. Surely any of my sisters would have known at once that he was not someone to marry!”

There was no point in lying, Mr. Gardiner thought. “You are right, Lydia; but he was handsome and charming, and you were swept away in the romance of it.”

“That is true enough, Uncle, but one cannot eat romance.”

“And this is why suitors are expected to go to the young lady’s father for permission to court her; the father is unlikely to be swept away by romantic notions.”

“I should not have been in Brighton, Uncle; I was too foolish to have been left alone with so little supervision.”

“I assure you that your father feels his failing deeply. In fact, your sister Lizzy has taken some of the blame upon her own shoulders, for she knew more about Mr. Wickham’s character than she let on. Kitty has her own share of blame for not telling your father the content of your letters.”

“So everyone is blaming themselves! Ha! I shall happily set them all to rights on the subject, for the only person who should be blamed is my own self.” Her tone was quite matter-of-fact.

“You have changed a good deal, Lydia,” her uncle observed.

“If the past fifteen weeks scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans have not changed me, then there would be no hope for me at all!” she exclaimed.

“Will you tell me more of your time at Greenfield House?” Mr. Gardiner asked. “Or is it too painful?”

“It is not painful at all, Uncle. The work was hard, but I felt it was right for me to work hard. I had a friend…hmm, I wonder, did Edith take my money?”

“Edith was the girl who shared your room?”

“Yes, and I gave her half the money I earned from waiting on ladies at the Greenfield ball; the other half I put in my drawer.” Lydia scrabbled through her satchel. “She kept my money; I should have guessed it.” Lydia’s face fell.

“She doubtless needs that bit of coin more than you do, Lydia,”

“I know you are right, Uncle. Papa will give me pin money someday, once he has forgiven me. But money that you have earned is somehow different from money that you are given, and that was the only money I ever earned in my life.”