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Phyllis

Phyllis was aware of every eye in the church on her, and not in a good way. The mother of the groom looked as if she was about to jump up and murder her in cold blood, while the groom’s face had gone bright red. Nova, for her part, looked as if she was about to be sick; this had not been part of their plan. Still, Phyllis wasn’t going to let herself be distracted. This was her big Miss Marple moment, and she was going to make the most of every second of it.

She walked up the aisle until she was about ten meters away from the bride and groom.

“Who on earth are you?” Craig said.

“I’m Phyllis Hudson, or ‘the old busybody from the book club,’ as I believe you know me.”

“Well, what is it?” the vicar said, in the indignant tone of someone who clearly wasn’t used to being upstaged.

Phyllis ignored him and turned to face the congregation. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid to tell you that there is a criminal in our midst!”

This elicited the exclamations of surprise she’d been hoping for.

“Sitting here in one of the pews is an individual who has stolen, deceived and even committed acts of violence over the past few weeks. All of it aimed at discrediting and hurting an innocent person who stands in front of you now, about to say her vows.”

“Phyllis, not now ,” she heard Arthur hiss.

“Lauren Cook,” Phyllis boomed, rounding on the woman to her right. “Do you deny that you’ve been targeting Nova, sabotaging her at work and even going as far as to frame her for theft and assault?”

There was another, louder gasp from the congregation. Lauren, who Phyllis had hoped would be quaking in her silly pink stilettos by this point, just frowned.

“I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about, Phyllis. Have you been drinking?”

“Don’t deny it! We have your confession on tape, don’t we, Ash?”

Phyllis was going out on a bit of a limb here, given she wasn’t certain that Sandy had managed to extract a confession from Lauren, or that Ash had recorded it. But when she glanced at the teenager, he nodded, and she inwardly sighed with relief.

“What on earth does any of this have to do with the legality of the marriage?” the vicar said, his tone growing impatient.

“I’m coming to that. The theory my fellow book clubbers came up with is that Lauren is concerned for the safety of her job, and so she’s been sabotaging Nova in order to get her sacked. But something has been bothering me about this theory; something that doesn’t quite add up.”

Phyllis began to pace up and down the aisle.

“I understand why Lauren might have undermined Nova at work, but why would she steal the roof money, knowing that would put the community center, and therefore her own job, at risk? And why would she attack her own boss? These, to me, seemed crimes disproportionate to the motive of simply being fearful for her job security.”

“Right, I’ve had enough of this,” a voice said, and Phyllis looked around to see the groom glaring at her. “This isn’t an episode of bloody Columbo . Get out of here before I throw you out.”

“But a few minutes ago, while I was standing at the back of the church, the penny dropped,” Phyllis continued, unperturbed. “I was watching Nova walk down the aisle, and I remembered something that Arthur Robinson had said to me, about how in romance novels, people do the strangest things for love. And that’s when it hit me.”

Phyllis paused for dramatic effect, then kicked herself because that was the kind of nonsense Hercule Poirot would do. Still, she was on a roll now, and she drew breath before she continued.

“Lauren hasn’t been going after Nova because she wants her job . She’s been going after Nova because she wants her man !”

At this, a clamor of shocked voices rang out around the church.

“It’s true, isn’t it, Lauren?” Phyllis said, shouting to be heard above the noise. “You’re having an affair with Craig, and you’ve done everything in your power to destroy Nova so you could stop this wedding from happening.”

“Have you been shagging my girlfriend?” The tall man who’d arrived at the church with Lauren stood up and glared at Craig, a vein visibly throbbing in his forehead.

“Don’t listen to a word the old cow is saying,” Craig spat. “The woman is clearly deranged.”

“Hey, don’t talk to Phyllis like that,” said Arthur, jumping up from his seat too. “You can’t insult her just because she’s uncovered your secret.”

“Is this true, Craig?” the vicar asked, stepping forward. “ Have you been having an affair with another woman?”

“No, of course not!” Craig turned back to Nova. “You don’t believe any of this rubbish, do you? You know I’d never cheat on you.”

Nova didn’t reply, her eyes wide with shock. Phyllis looked over at Lauren, who was staring at Craig, her cheeks bright pink.

“I’m not wrong, am I?” she said to the girl. “You and Craig have been sleeping together and that’s why you’ve been trying to destroy Nova.”

Lauren opened her mouth and Phyllis held her breath.

“Craig and I haven’t been having an affair,” she said, and Phyllis’s shoulders sank with disappointment. Miss Marple always managed to elicit a full public confession with remarkably little fuss.

“You see!” Craig said. “Now can someone please get this old woman out of the church so we can get on with the wedding?”

“No!”

There was another audible gasp as Lauren stood up in her pew. The church fell silent as everyone waited to see what would happen next.

“Do you have an objection as well?” The vicar raised his hands in defeat.

“Craig, you can’t marry Nova,” Lauren said, her eyes on the groom. “She’s not good enough for you.”

“Stop it this instance!” This was the mother of the groom. “Be quiet and stop embarrassing yourself, Lauren.”

“You think the same, Pamela, I know you must,” Lauren said, and there was a pleading note in her voice. “Nova doesn’t love Craig, she told me herself she’d been having doubts about marrying him. But Craig wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to warn him, so I had to do something .”

“So have you really been behind all of Nova’s problems?” Craig said.

Phyllis saw Lauren visibly swallow. “I thought that if she got sacked then the wedding might be called off, and you’d be spared from the massive mistake you’re about to make.”

“But your early efforts to get Nova sacked for incompetence didn’t work, did they?” Phyllis said. “Which is why you got desperate and started to take things further, like framing her for stealing the money.”

“I was sure she’d get fired over that, given she was alone in the building and had to go to the office to get her book I’d hidden,” Lauren said, shaking her head. “But then Nova forgot to lock the office and that bloody man, Michael, ran away, and everyone thought it was him who’d stolen the money instead of her.”

“So then you tried to frame Nova for a violent attack by wearing a coat just like hers when you hit Sandy.”

Lauren glanced back at her boss. “I never intended to hurt Sandy, I swear. I just wanted to make sure someone saw me trying to break into her house wearing a red coat. But then she opened the door and surprised me, and I panicked and pushed her. I’m so sorry, Sandy.”

“Bloody hell, Lauren!” said her boyfriend, who was looking slightly green. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

But Lauren ignored him, looking back at Craig instead. “I love you, I always have. And I couldn’t bear to see you make the biggest mistake of your life by marrying Nova.”

“And so you tried to get her fired and arrested?” Craig said. “That’s psychotic!”

“Oh my God, are you the one who canceled the wedding photographer?” Pamela screeched.

“I bet she poisoned Craddock as well,” Ash called out from the pews.

At this, Lauren frowned. “No, that wasn’t me. I’ve done a lot of shitty things lately, but I’d never hurt an animal.”

“In fairness, she might be telling the truth there,” Phyllis said. “I think Craddock possibly ate a chocolate biscuit and poisoned himself.”

There were a few sniggers at this. Nova, who up until now had been watching proceedings unfold with a look of shocked horror on her face, suddenly spoke up.

“I thought you were my friend, Lauren. I trusted you.”

Lauren sniffed. “I’m sorry, but you’re not suited to being Craig’s wife, and deep down you know that too. And as his friend—and someone who’s been in love with him since I was eleven—I couldn’t stand by and watch you ruin his life.”

“You’re the one ruining my life!” Craig said, and in a sudden movement he launched himself toward Lauren.

“Craig, stop!” Nova screamed.

There was a flurry of activity around Phyllis. Both Ash and Dan leaped from their seats and jumped forward to protect Lauren, and at the same moment, her boyfriend also rushed toward Craig and grabbed his arms. Craddock, who had been in the process of stealing food out of someone’s handbag, also jumped into action and began barking loudly. For a moment, Craig and the other man struggled in the middle of the aisle, but Lauren’s boyfriend was much bigger and pulled Craig away from her.

“Right, this is getting out of hand,” the vicar said, his face scarlet and visibly sweaty. “Can someone please get this woman out of my church?”

“The police should be waiting outside,” Phyllis said with satisfaction, as a couple of guests stood up and walked toward Lauren.

The girl looked like she was about to put up a fight, but then she turned to the groom. “I love you, Craig. Please don’t do something you’ll end up regretting for the rest of your life.”

She lowered her head and allowed herself to be led away. Her boyfriend, or probably now ex-boyfriend, stormed after her.

“Nova, I’m so sorry about what Lauren’s done,” Craig said.

Phyllis turned her attention back to the front and saw him reach out and take Nova’s hand.

“I swear I had no idea she was in love with me, or how much she hated you. You do believe me, don’t you?”

Nova didn’t immediately answer, staring at her hand in Craig’s, and Phyllis found herself willing the girl to tell him to bugger off and run out of the church too.

“I do believe you,” she said eventually, and Phyllis’s heart sank. After all that, Nova wasn’t really going to marry this chump, was she?

“Thank you,” Craig said, smiling. He looked up at the altar. “I’m sorry about the disruption, vicar. Any chance we could carry on with the wedding now?”

The vicar, who looked utterly perplexed by the whole situation, shrugged. “I suppose so. Nova, are you happy to proceed?”