Page 54 of The Beat of My Heart

“I have been,” she says sheepishly, “that doesn’t mean I can’t keep looking for Boston while I’m stuck here.”

Inwardly, I cringe. I had to ask her to stop calling him Charlie because it was too painful, not that I’d tell her that. Now, we refer to him as Boston, but even that is more painful than I’d like to admit. The guilt she feels is immeasurable, so I never talk of my heartbreak.

“Lanes,” I say, turning my back so she can’t read my face. “We’ve searched for him everywhere. I’ve even broken a few laws hacking into various systems,” I whisper. “He’s gone.”

“I’m so sorry, Jules. I will make this up to you, I promise. I will find him,” she vows, and my heart cracks a little more.

Walking to her, I take the laptop away again. “You have physical therapy in half an hour. You need to rest.” I’m trying my best, but I can’t hide anything from this girl, and before I can turn away, she sees the first signs of a tear.

“God, if I had only called the police when I got to that house instead of entering,” she starts.

“Stop, Lanie, right now, just stop. You did the right thing. There was a small boy in that house. I would have done the same,” I tell her for the millionth time.

“We’ll find him, Jules. I promise we’ll find him,” she whispers.

A knock at the door saves me from this conversation. A nurse enters, bringing Lanie’s lunch. As she passes by me, I’m hit with a wave of nausea so fast and furious I barely make it to the attached restroom.

Fuck.

Once I’m cleaned up, I enter Lanie’s room to a circle of concerned faces. My parents have joined us, and they saw me get sick yesterday.

Shoulders slumped, I just nod my head as the tears come, letting them all know what they suspected anyway. With Lanie in the hospital fighting for her life, I had confided in my mom in the first few weeks after I returned home. She’s known my private pain. Securing me in a hug, she pats my hair and tells me it will all be alright.

My father, who is sitting comforting Lanie, tells me, “We’ll get through this, all of us. That’s what family’s do.”

Making eye contact with Lanie, I’m immediately worried. I know her, she won’t be able to recover from this guilt. Trying to ease her worry, I say, “Okay, puffin, you ready to be a dad?”

She smiles, but it’s not sincere.

Am I ready to be a single mom? Hell no. But I’ll manage. Will my heart recover from Charlie? Doubtful, but I will figure that out too. Lanie’s already lived through hell her entire life, I can’t let her carry this burden too.

Chapter 19

Trevor

Ten months. It has been ten months post-Angel, and there’s no music. There’s no light. I spend every waking moment waiting for the day I get the call saying they have taken my father out. The longer this goes on, the darker my thoughts become.

At night, I’m haunted by images of Angel. Loki told me he’s found her, but he can fuck off. The night she disappeared, I thought my worst nightmare had come true. I lived it, thinking they had taken her, killed by the same bastard that killed my mother. The fact that she is alive is a blessing I don’t deserve but won’t take for granted. God was telling me something that day, I cannot have her in my life while my father is still breathing. And trust me, the thought of being the one to take his last breath has crossed my mind more than once. If it wasn’t for my friend, Dexter, and his children needing me, I probably would have ended Romero myself.

Dexter: Are you close?

Trevor: Be there in 10.

Dexter: The fucking nanny doesn’t know how to change a diaper.

Trevor: WTF.

Dexter: I fired her, now I’m fucked.

Preston: Was she at least hot?

Trevor: Fuck you, Pres, where the hell are you?

Preston: Getting laid.

Loki: Your dick is going to fall off.

Dexter: GUYS.