Doing the f-ing splits,having a smackdown with my boys then licking my giblets to impress a gal was rough on a guy. The sheer amount of stretching involved had been excruciating. Thankfully, the plan seemed to be working. Poutine, Annie Surely and Blythe were no longer staring daggers at us. They appeared bored and uninterested. It was a dead giveaway that the dames were dazzled.

“Enough,” Poutine ordered in a tone that made my kitty Johnson jolly. “Your message has been received, and we are open to negotiation.”

Annie Surely and Blythe nodded as they sharpened their nails.

Jango and Boba sucked in their guts and flanked me on either side. I was truly shocked that Jango had been able to reach his nugs, but when love was on the line, a man would do dangerous and painful things.

“Didn’t know youse gals was Canadian,” I said, making a little polite conversation before we got down to business.

All three of the dames rolled their eyes in unison. It was hot. I was tempted to keep making small talk to get them more pissed off, but decided it might backfire like everything else we’d done lately.

“That’s part of the issue,” Poutine hissed, pointing one heck of a sharp claw my way. “None of you ever paid attention… to anything.”

Boba raised his hand and waited to be called on. Annie Surely snarled at him. He grinned and took it as a yes. “In my defense, I was so enamored with your hairy bubble-butt it was hard to think about anything else.”

That earned a giggle from Annie Surely.

Boba took a bow and gave everyone a thumbs up.

Shit. I needed better lines.

“And in my defense,” Jango said, eyeing Blythe like she was a fat juicy mouse. “Youse got the curves dat gives me the swerves. My brain goes insane when youse shakes dat snooty booty. Dat’s why I might have missed dat youse are Canadian… umm… eh?”

Damnit. The son of a bitch had picked up some Canadian from Sassy. Talk about good…

Blythe purred with delight and gave Jango the middle finger salute. He pumped his paws over his head in victory.

All eyes were on me. I felt the flop sweat coming on fast. Unfortunately, my bullshit-o-meter started moving instead of my Casanova-o-meter. Something wasn’t right with this picture. As much as I wanted to ignore it—and I really wanted to ignore it—I couldn’t. We were the fat felonious familiars of the glorious and profane Shifter Wanker. Zelda was the protector of this town and we were an extension of our insane witch. The life we lived now was a gift from the Goddess herself, and I wasn’t about to take the Goddess for granted even if Poutine was the most bootylicious cat in the Universe.

“Before I wax poetic about your furry teats,” I said, narrowing my eyes at Poutine. “While I didn’t pay attention to where youse dames lived, I did pay attention to what youse did for a livin’. Youse are cat burglars, not Canadian tutors. Are youse down here to fleece Sassy? Cause if youse are, weese are gonna have a little problem. Like I’m gonna have to kick your fine ass problem.”

Poutine”s brows shot up in surprise. She laughed. “You’ve found a conscience, Fat Bastard?”

My name on her lips was heavenly, but if she was here to pilfer shit from my idiot friend, we had a complication.

“Occasionally,” I said, playing it cool and hoping I wasn’t drooling. “What’s it gonna be, Poutine? Are youse really a Canadian tutor or is youse here for nefarious reasons?”

Poutine walked toward me—furry hips swaying from side to side. Her eyes were narrowed to slits.

I lost a few brain cells. The broad was hotter than a firecracker lit at both ends.

“So, if I’m here on a job, you want nothing to do with me?” she purred, inches from my face.

“Depends on what the job is,” I shot back, trying to remember my name.

Her grin grew wide as she circled me like I was a car for sale. I loved every second of it and prayed to the Goddess that the broad wasn’t here to mess with my people. Sucking in my gut, I made a mental note to use the damn treadmill. With my brain in my ball sac at the moment, it was difficult to remember to puff out my chest and suck in my belly.

“We’re legit Canadian tutors. It’s a difficult language to master. However, we are also here on a job,” she said with a quick and delightful slap to my fat ass.

As enjoyable as her love tap was, her answer wasn’t delightful at all. Jango and Boba weren’t pleased either. The hair on my neck stood straight up and my boys hissed with displeasure.

“Dis is my territory,” I snapped, heartbroken but refusing to show it. “Youse will perform no job in Assjacket.”

“Is that the actual name of the town?” Annie Surely inquired, looking bored.

“No,” I said. “It ain’t. And weese ain’t tellin’ youse what the real name is.”

I had no fucking clue what the real name of the town was. Ever since Zelda named it Assjacket, it had stuck like glue.

“If youse are here for a job, youse don’t deserve to know the name of the town,” Jango huffed, no longer trying to minimize his spare tire. My compadre was letting it all hang out. His fucking stomach touched the ground. It was disgustingly impressive. “Dis town is special. Weese haven’t been run out of here, and weese have a witch. She’s fuckin’ crazy, but she’s ours. Youse hot asses will not mess up the only good home weese ever had. I don’t care how blue my gangoolies get. They might even fall off and dat will be your fault.”

My man Jango was pissed… and fat.

“Dat’s right,” Boba grunted. “And anyways, weese don’t even know the real name of the town. So there.”

“Not helping,” I said to Boba.

“My bad,” he replied. “I can see how dat don’t actually support the argument.”

“No worries,” I told him. “Just clap your trap shut for a bit.”

“Roger dat,” Boba replied.

It was a standoff. A tragic standoff. While I was aware that we’d have to explain to Sassy why we’d dropped kicked her Canadian experts out of town, I was willing to do it for the sake of Assjacket. Sassy was known for blowing up buildings when she was put out, but since she’d mated with Jeeves, the nicest Shifter in the Universe, she’d gotten the habit under control. Or I hoped she had.

And even though my heart was shattering, I had to cat-up and defend my territory. This day was sucking all kinds of ass.

“Interesting,” Poutine said, looking wildly unconcerned about what was going down.

The dame was hot.

“Spit it out,” I said, holding my ground even though I was tempted to cleanse my dong pillow again to turn her on. “Name the job youse is here to do.”

“Can’t,” she said.

“Won’t,” I shot back.

“Actually,” Blythe said, yawning. “For the first time in a while, Poutine isn’t lying. We have no clue why we’re here. The Goddess sent us. Only thing she said was that the key to history was in the name, and then she asked us why women rub their eyes in the morning. She also mentioned that toilet paper was very expensive.”

“Why do dames rub their eyes in the morning?” I asked, wondering if the Goddess was losing her marbles. Those were some shitty directions. Although, I did agree about the toilet paper.

Blythe shrugged. “No clue. However, the silver lining is that we actually are Canadian tutors and someone needed our services and…” She stopped speaking when Poutine shot her a shut the hell up glance.

“And?” I pressed, not sure I was buying what the gals were selling, even though I wanted to. “Youse will come clean or youse are out of here. Sassy can’t spell and she’s an idiot, but she’s our idiot. It youse think youse are gonna take advantage of her or any of the other dumbasses in dis town, youse have another thing comin’.”

“Think,” Poutine corrected me with a smile. “It’s another think coming.”

“Youse sure?” I asked, wanting to keep the dame smiling for the rest of her life.

“Quite,” she purred.

“Expound on the and,” I ordered.

Poutine rolled her eyes and glanced back at her girls. They rolled their eyes and nodded.

“Fine,” she groused. “And… we wanted to see you three imbeciles.”

Again, my heart pounded in my chest. Again, my tail twitched spastically. Again, I was pulled back to earth by reality.

“The Goddess don’t send people on missions with shitty directions,” I pointed out.

“Apparently she does,” Poutine shot back. “And I’m pretty sure the Goddess wouldn’t have sent us to one of her favorite places in the Universe to rob it blind.”

“She said Assjacket was one of her favorite places?” I asked, surprised.

All three lady cats nodded their gorgeous heads.

“Give us a moment here,” I said, grabbing my boys and yanking them over to Sturgill. Huddling together under the nard-less bear, I eyed them. “What do youse assholes think? My brain is in my crotch right now, so I’m not sure I’m makin’ good decisions.”

“What if weese ask the Goddess for a sign?” Jango suggested. “See if the gals are tellin’ the truth?”

“Not a bad plan,” Boba said, his brow wrinkled in deep thought. “But somethin’ tells me if weese don’t believe the broads without proof, they’ll hold it against us for eternity.”

I could live with a broken heart. I could not live if I brought harm to the town that had taken us in and loved us—illegal habits and all.

Love versus responsibility—decisions sucked.

“What if weese asked the Goddess real quiet like?” I suggested, thinking maybe we could get the confirmation we needed without depriving our Johnsons.

“How?” Jango asked, glancing over at the gals.

“Somethin’ like dis—real respectful-like,” I whispered. “Are youse there Goddess? It’s me, Fat Bastard. Weese got a little issue here with some hot dames dat are turnin’ our giggle bouncers blue. If youse sent the broads here for good give us a sign—youse know, somethin’ like dat.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Boba said, holding up his paws. “Dat’s not the way to word it. If weese think they’re tellin’ the truth—which weese do—den weese ask for a sign if they’re here for evil.”

“But Fat Bastard already asked the first way. Weese are screwed if they’re innocent,” Jango pointed out then screamed like a girl as a searing three-pronged bolt of purple lightning blasted from the sky and landed squarely on our asses.

“Mother fucker,” I screamed, rolling on the ground to put out the fire.

“Shit,” Jango squealed as he clapped his paws and conjured up a pool of ice water. Dropping into it, he doused his flaming butt.

“Son of a bunghole,” Boba shouted as he joined Jango in the icy water. “I think all the hair on my ass is gone.”

It was not a good scene. I was fairly sure my giblets were bald. There were several ways to look at it, though. The gals were on the up and up. I wasn’t sure I believed that they didn’t know their mission, but I was sure they weren’t here to mess with my town—my singed ass was proof. The good news was we could court the she-devils, run our legal business and get Sturgill’s nards back from the groundhogs.

Poutine sauntered over with her girls by her side. “So, I’m guessing the Goddess proved I wasn’t lying?” she inquired way too casually.

“Are youse mad?” I asked, squinting at her.

“Would have done the same thing,” she replied, pulling me to my feet. “However, you will pay, Fat Bastard. And the price will be steep.”

It was the sexiest thing the dame had ever said to me. “It will be my pleasure, Poutine. My absofuckinglute pleasure. And while we’re at it, weese can commit the perfect crime.”

Poutine yawned rudely. “What’s the perfect crime?”

I grinned and grabbed my bits in respect for her beauty and horribly sexy attitude. “I’ll steal your heart and youse can steal mine.”

Poutine tried not to smile. She failed. “You’re a cheesy asshat, Fat Bastard.”

“Yep, but I’m your cheesy asshat,” I replied.

“We’ll see,” she said, flouncing away.

Boba patted me on the back. “Dat was so smooth, I almost wept.”

“Youse are the master,” Jango conceded.

“Thank youse,” I told them. “Weese have our work cut out for us with dem dames, but I’ve never felt more alive. Are weese all in?”

“Like Flynn,” Boba said with a wide grin.

“I’m in with a grin on my chin drinkin’ gin with a twin and her kin on a spin…” Jango said then took off in a sprint as we began to pummel his rhyming ass.

The bloody wrestling match with my boys felt great. It was also a second macho display for the dames. If we were going to win their violent, crime-loving hearts, we were going to have to play our cards right.

And of course, cheat.