Page 42 of The Art of Vanishing

Claire

I pulled down the sun visor in my car and slid the door open to reveal the tiny mirror. Jesus, I looked as awful as I felt, my eyes blood-red and the shadows beneath them reaching new depths.

I gave my cheeks a pinch, an attempt to bring some color back to them, and slammed the mirror shut. There was no use trying. I had been up all night; I knew it wasn’t going to get any better than this.

By the time I’d arrived at home after Mark and Leon had let us go, the sun was already creeping its way up in the sky, and I had to battle the early-shift workers for a parking spot in my neighborhood.

I’d found one eventually and let myself into our apartment.

Gracie was up, at the stove, making coffee.

She’d kissed my cheek and sent me to the bedroom, not asking why I was home so much later than usual.

She knew I’d tell her in time. And I would, but first I had to figure out what I’d gotten myself stuck in the middle of, and how I was going to get out of there.

I let myself into the bedroom as quietly as I could, but when I saw Luna snuggled up in her bed, safe and sound, I couldn’t help but wrap her in my arms. I lay next to her and she stirred momentarily before falling back asleep.

There was a time last night when I thought we weren’t going to get this moment.

I’d felt like the sirens were coming just for me.

Gracie came to get Luna not long after, and they began the chaotic yet-another-day-at-home dance, leaving me alone to get some rest. As soon as they snuck out of the bedroom, thinking I was asleep, I shot up in bed, pulling the journal from underneath my sweatshirt.

The leather cover was still slightly damp from its fall into the puddle and somewhat warm from my body heat, but the pages inside were remarkably undisturbed. I began to read.

I read from the first page to the very last, hours slipping by as I lost myself in the author’s world. I had to use my phone to look up the occasional French word, but I knew I understood the story it was telling me. I knew her like I knew myself. And I knew what I had to do.

Here I was, bleary-eyed, walking right back into the most dangerous place I could be.

As I tucked the journal against my body once more, I repeated what I’d been telling myself all day.

Even if they suspected me of being connected to the theft, there was no way they would expect I’d bring the journal back.

No one would be looking for it on my way in and I wouldn’t be taking it back out. I could do this.

I tried my best to act normal as I checked in through security.

Tony wasn’t back yet; a guard I didn’t recognize was filling in at his post. I waved and showed my ID, dumping my bag on the table for his inspection as I walked through the scanner.

He took longer than Tony had, opening every pocket, pulling out my tangle of headphones that had one of Luna’s toys wrapped up in it.

I smiled apologetically and began to put my belongings back together once he’d waved me on.

I headed in, taking one step at a time closer to safety.

I changed into my jumpsuit delicately, making sure the journal stayed in place under the waistband of my leggings.

I checked myself in the mirror and registered that I looked pretty normal for a day of work.

It was time to get to it. My chest tightened when I thought about seeing Jean.

In the distraction of the past few hours, I hadn’t had as much time as my anxious brain wanted to relive the consequences of last night.

What would Jean think of me today? Would he even want to see me?

I knew he’d never approve of the danger I was putting myself in right now, and so I could never tell him what I was up to.

He’d try to do it for me, to protect me, and he couldn’t. It had to be me.

Regardless of all the complicating factors, I couldn’t wait to see him.

I needed to get up there and explain myself.

I made a beeline for Jean’s gallery, but I ran into Linda just outside the doorway to the staff room.

I couldn’t tell how long she’d been standing there, but I was sure she was wondering whether or not she should go inside.

This place that had once felt like it belonged to her was now soiled. I got that.

When I was honest with myself, I felt guilty. Linda had been in real danger last night. I’m sure she thought she could have been killed. I had been as safe as could be from the thieves; they couldn’t hurt me while I was in Jean’s world. I was impressed Linda had shown up again.

“Hey,” I said. “How are you? Were you able to get any sleep?”

She ignored my question. “Where’s your cart?” she asked me. She was right. In my haste, I’d totally forgotten my supplies.

“Oh god,” I said. “My brain is so all over the place today. I knew I was forgetting something.” I could tell she didn’t want to chat, so I grabbed what I needed and got out of her way.

When I got to Jean’s gallery, I ran straight for him, not bothering with any pretense that I would be cleaning tonight.

I saw Marguerite squeeze his shoulder before leading Pierre off with her.

They must have stuck around to make sure I was coming but were now fading away to give us some privacy.

I was glad to know they’d be there for Jean when he needed them.

For a moment, we just held each other, neither of us wanting to break the silence. But I knew the responsibility of this moment belonged to me.

“Claire,” Jean said at the same time I brought myself to say, “Jean.” We laughed a half-hearted laugh before both trying to start again.

“I have to tell you something—” he began.

“No,” I interrupted. “No, I’ve put this off for far too long. And I really, really want to tell you. I was going to tell you last night but I thought we’d have more time.” I took a deep breath before launching into it. The clock was ticking and this conversation was an emergency.

“I got pregnant with Luna at sixteen. My mom threw me out when I told her I was going to have a baby. Jeremy had been trying to get me to move to the city, and I had no choice but to go with him. He said we could start a family together, that this would be the first chapter of the rest of our lives. He never meant it. But Luna is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

She is smart and lively and curious and, god, I wish you could meet her.

She would love it in here, you’d never be able to get rid of her.

” Jean smiled at that and I could see him picturing a mini me bouncing around the overgrown garden.

“I swear, her father is out of the picture. I never lied about that. Well, he’s mostly gone.

He reared his stupid head again during lockdown, and I didn’t think I could turn him away because he still is Luna’s dad, whether I want him there or not.

But I haven’t had feelings for him in a long, long time.

” Jean said nothing, just held my hand in his while the words continued to rush out of me.

“At first, I didn’t tell you about her because everything about this world felt so different.

The parts of my life that were so undeniably real just didn’t seem to fit in here.

I didn’t know that this would last so long or that I’d fall so hard.

And then, at some point, it became much more difficult to think about telling you the truth.

I got to be a different version of myself when I was in here, someone who didn’t have to spend every waking hour worrying about making the right doctor’s appointments and managing screen time and stepping on toys everywhere I turned. It was selfish of me, I know that.”

“It’s okay,” Jean promised me. “It’s all okay.

I love you whether you have a daughter or no kids or a family of five.

I bet you’re an amazing mother. I wish I could see it for myself.

” I kissed him then because it was the only thing I wanted to do.

I was so relieved, I could have kissed him forever, forgetting about everything else I had to do tonight until we heard footsteps arriving just outside our gallery, and Jean pushed me away.

“Claire, you have to get out now,” Jean said.

“That’s what I had to tell you; Mark is coming to talk to you again.

” I didn’t want to leave Jean, not in this moment, but I heard the urgency in his tone and understood it.

He got it now; this never was just about him and me.

I jumped down as fast as I could, but I didn’t make it out before Jamie came around the corner, watching me as I crossed through that watery border and landed with both feet on the floor.