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Dear Fitzy,

Today I’ve been gone 44 days.

You know how much I hate math. You must be laughing. Never in my life have I cared to count so much. If I’ve been counting right, it’s early October and well into your last season of high school football. I’m sorry I missed most of it. I thought I might be back to catch some games, but now, I’m sure I’ll miss all of them.

I think about you a lot. I’ve been wondering what you were doing every moment since day 1 when I began to count from the back seat of the car the night they took me. It was day 17 when I realized I might never come home.

Most of the time, I don’t even know why I count. Time doesn’t really exist here anyway. I don’t even exist here. Nothing does. Not freedom, the ability to think or make choices for myself. There are uniforms that are really a cross between hospital scrubs and cheap pajamas. The food rotates between a few shades of beige. The television has only one thing playing on it. There’s no phone to use unless you have permission and supervision, and even then, you can only call your parents. There are no asks to be made. You can’t get another blanket when you’re cold. Forget demanding privacy when you shower, you can’t even beg for it. I’ve been stripped of not just clothes, but my identity. There isn’t much left of myself to hold onto. I don’t know how to manage to hold on to hope, Fitz, but I am. Just believe me when I say it’s by the skin of my teeth.

And believe me when I say, if I could ask for anything, it would be a moment with you. Because between counting days and minutes, what I think about is how my life was one giant lie. But not you, Fitz. You were the truth.

I wish I could write down everything to do on this napkin I snuck from the cafeteria. The pen I stole from the art room keeps making holes in it. I’m sorry if it’s hard to read. I’m sorry I didn’t know I needed to say goodbye that night. I know things have been hard between us, but I’m going to ask one thing.

If I make it out of here, I’m going to try to forget this all one day. Please remember it happened though. Maybe then it can end with me.

Rebels Only.

Parker