Page 27 of That’ll Teach Her
I know I try to be a good man.
But, by Christ, I can be a stupid one.
It’s 10am and I’ve not slept a wink. The look on Gracie’s face . . . Kiera went after her, of course. But neither of them were at breakfast. We’re now packing up to leave and I just want to know they’re okay. I want to know that Kiera and I are okay.
My phone rings in my pocket. I ignore it.
‘Mr Andrews?’ little Sasha McCall asks, tugging at my sleeve. ‘Do you have my travel-sick pills?’
‘Er . . . go and see Maisie’s dad. He’s got all the medicines, sweetheart,’ I tell her, looking around the carnage in the entrance hall of Radford House as we get ready to leave. ‘And make sure you sit near the front this time, eh?’
She nods and scuttles off to find Al. I look around again. Where is Kiera . . . ?
The phone rings again. It’s Finn. Urgh . . . I’m not in the mood for another round of emotional contrition . . .
Don’t be stupid, . He’s your boy. Pick up the damn phone.
‘Hi, darlin’,’ I coo, moving outside to a quiet patch of garden. ‘I can’t really talk – do you remember I said I was on the residential . . . ?’
‘Daddy?’ his little voice wails down the phone. ‘Daddy – I want to come and live with you.’
My heart melts and ignites all at once.
‘It’s okay, fella,’ I say more softly. ‘It’s okay. What’s wrong?’
‘Mummy and Don had a big fight and Mummy threw some marmalade at him,’ he sniffs.
I hold the phone away from my mouth while I silently scream a swear.
‘Mate, I’m so sorry,’ he says. ‘But you know that grown-ups fight sometimes. They’ll make it up.’
‘Don slept in the car last night,’ he says. ‘He’s still outside. He won’t go and Mummy won’t leave the house. I’m scared . . .’
‘Mr Andrews,’ comes a little voice at my elbow, ‘Theo says that it’s samesies on the coach on the way back, but that’s not fair because he got the back seat on the way here and—’
‘Okay, William – I’ll be there in a minute,’ I try to say as calmly as I can.
‘Daddy!’ Finn wails. ‘Daddy – where are you going?’
‘Nowhere – I’m not going anywhere, son. Just hang on in there . . .’
‘Mr Andrews! Mr Andrews! Theo’s getting on the bus and he’s going to bags the back seat, look!’
‘William!’ I snap, making him jump. I never shout at the kids – they got enough of that from Claudia. He looks absolutely terrified, poor lamb. I try to soften my voice.
‘William,’ I say more gently. ‘I’ve just got to finish this phone call and I’ll be over there, okay?’
‘Daddy – don’t go!’ Finn pleads. ‘I’m scared, Daddy! I’m scared . . . I’m scared Don’s going to hurt me.’
William walks chastely back towards the bus. I’ll deal with him later.
‘Finn, you need to listen to me,’ I say. ‘I’m going to hang up now . . .’
‘No! Don’t go, Daddy! I want to come and live with you!’
‘I know, son, I know,’ I say, trying not to cry myself. ‘But we both know that’s not possible right now. What is possible is that I can get you some help. I’m going to call Granny and Grandad and see if they can come and help you until I can get up there myself.’
Silence on the line.
‘Finn? Finn, are you still there, pal?’
A small sniff tells me he is.
‘Will they bring sweets?’ he asks, and I feel a tsunami of relief.
‘Aye – course they will,’ I say, and hope he can hear the smile in my voice. ‘So you just sit tight and I’ll call Granny and I’ll be up there tomorrow, okay?’
A stilted breath.
‘You promise?’
‘Cross my heart, hope to die . . .’
‘Sstick a sausage in your eye!’ Finn laughs. I love how easy it is to move the dial from tragedy to comedy at this age. Christ knows what I’ll do when I can’t.
‘You just hang on in there, okay?’ I reply, swallowing down my guilt. ‘Daddy’s coming soon.’
‘Okay,’ he sniffs. ‘Love you most.’
‘Like chocolate toast,’ I tell him. ‘Laters potaters.’
I hang up and try to calm myself. Fucking Don. Fucking Elena. And yet through the fog of my past life my future one shines through. Where is Kiera . . .?
‘She went home,’ a cold voice declares, answering my thoughts. I turn to find Hattie standing behind me, dead-eyed and hard-faced.
‘I’m sorry?’ I say, as if I don’t know what she’s talking about.
‘Matt came and picked ’em up a couple hours ago,’ she says. ‘Little Gracie wasn’t feeling so good.’
I try to scrutinise her, see what she knows. But Hattie is totally unreadable. My phone rings again. Oh, Finn . . . just give Daddy a second . . .
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ I say. ‘And I understand you were feeling bad last night? You okay now?’
‘Nothing a good night’s sleep couldn’t cure,’ she says. ‘Most problems can be fixed by some time in your own bed, wouldn’t you say?’
Shit.
She knows.
And, judging by the look on her face, the look on mine has just told her that I know she knows.
She leans in.
‘Now I’m just gonna say this the one time,’ she whispers malevolently. ‘You wanna shit on your own lawn, that’s none of mine. But the second you start making trouble for my Kiera, you make it so.’
She waits for me to say something. But I have no words I can trust.
‘That girl’s got her life together,’ she continues. ‘It’s taken a while, but she’s there. Matt’s a good boy and he’ll take care of her until the end of time. And that’s what she needs. Someone stable. Someone reliable. Someone a bit daft, bless him – but that’s what she needs. Not you. It’s like what Beatrice says to Don Pedro in Much Ado : you’re fancy enough to wear on the weekends. But Kiera needs someone she can wear in the week. You’re a fantasy. A dream. A romantic lead in a cheap airport novel. Leave her to her real life. You ain’t the hero of her story. You ain’t no hero at all. I know that for a fact.’
‘What do you mean?’ I ask her. She stares me down.
‘You know damn well what I mean,’ she glowers. ‘Stay. Away.’
She starts to walk off. I shouldn’t say it. But it’s out of my mouth before I can stop it.
‘And you think he is, do you? You think Matt’s the hero of Kiera’s story?’
She turns back and stares me down.
‘No, you dumbass,’ she replies with a sneer. ‘Kiera is.’
She walks off towards Sasha, who is already going a worrying shade of green.
I pull up my contacts and scroll down to some numbers I never thought I’d call again. I choose the landline – it’s the only hope I have of getting an answer. I hit the number and feel my heart start to drumroll as the phone rings. I need them to pick up. But I really don’t want to speak to them.
‘Hello, 01463 934583?’ comes the chirpy voice on the end of the phone.
‘Caitlin?’ I say as brightly as I can. ‘It’s . I need your help. It’s urgent.’
I’d not normally gabble all the information by way of greeting. But I know how short this call will be without it.
‘You’ve a nerve phoning here,’ Elena’s mother replies. ‘God help you if Arthur hears this—’
‘Caitlin, I need you to go over to Elena’s—’
‘Sweet Jesus – is she okay?’
‘Everyone’s safe,’ I assure her. ‘But I’ve just had Finn on the phone. There’s been some kind of fight with this . . . with this Don. Finn’s scared and I just need you to go over and make sure everything’s okay.’
Silence. She doesn’t ask me who Don is. So she’s met him, then. I try not to feel angry. Now’s not the time. This is about Finn.
‘, I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but this doesn’t concern—’
‘ ? ’ I hear an angry voice in the background. ‘That man’s got a . . . Give me that.’
The phone muffles and I have the uncomfortable sensation that I’m clenched in Caitlin’s bosom. But after some angry grunts, the line clears and Arthur’s unmistakably loud brogue takes over.
‘Now you listen here, Andrews,’ he bellows down the phone. ‘I told you once and I’ll not tell you again – you stay away from our girl!’
‘Arthur . . . I know you’re still angry with me, but—’
‘You’re damn right I’m still angry with you!’ he roars. ‘After what you did to Elena! To our grandson! You should be behind bars, you animal!’
Arthur always was one for hyperbole. But I’ll let that one go.
‘Arthur – I need you and Caitlin to go round to Elena’s. Something is wrong and Finn is hiding in his bedroom—’
‘I don’t know what you’re playing at,’ he huffs. ‘But whatever you think this is going to achieve, you are doing more harm than you could possibly know. Everything is fine.’
I’m so mad at this man. Does he not even care about his own grandson? But that doesn’t matter right now. I just need someone to get to my boy.
‘But Finn—’
‘You keep your nose out of her life, or I’ll keep it out for you,’ Arthur threatens.
Enough.
‘Finn is my son,’ I remind him. ‘I won’t ever keep my nose out of his life. I’m his father.’
Arthur goes quiet and menacing.
‘Well, we’ll see about that,’ he says. ‘You’ll be hearing from our lawyers.’
The line cuts dead.
What the hell did that mean? Surely Elena wouldn’t . . . She’s not going to try to take him from me? Even she wouldn’t stoop that low? Surely not . . .
I have to get up there. I start jabbing at the screen, trying to pull up flights. We should be back to school before lunch, we’re under an hour away – I could be up to London late afternoon and on a plane by dinner time. I have to get home. I have to get back to my boy . . .
‘?’ says Al, who I hadn’t seen approach. ‘You okay?’
‘I have to find a flight – I need to get back to Scotland tonight. I have to . . .’
‘Shit – is Finn okay?’
‘Yes . . . no . . . I dunno – I just need to get home. I need to find a flight . . .’
I know I’m making no sense on no sleep. But I can’t let them take my boy – he’s all I have left . . .
‘Hey,’ says Al, putting a calming hand on my shoulder. ‘Look. The kids are all on the bus, we’ve done the headcount and they’re all waiting for us. We can’t do anything standing here – let’s get on the bus and I’ll help you make all the arrangements you need, okay? Staying here is just going to hold you up. Why don’t you take a beat to catch your breath, I’ll teach them a mildly dirty song and we’ll get on the road, okay?’
I look up into his reassuring eyes. Al has a lot of experience of dealing with people on the edge and it shows.
‘Okay,’ I say weakly. God, I wish Kiera were here. I need her, I need someone, I need—
My phone rings in my hand and I hesitate to turn it over. Is it Finn in pieces again? Is it Arthur or his lawyers? Is it Elena? Is it Kiera . . . ?
The final thought makes me turn it round.
But it’s none of the above.
It’s school.
Everyone knows I’m here and not to contact me unless it’s urgent. I tap to accept.
‘?’
‘Marcia?’ I reply. She is normally the epitome of calm and cool, but even I can hear the tension in her voice. ‘Everything okay?’
‘We’ve had the call,’ she replies.
I’m so tired and my brain’s so fried I can’t file her words in the right department.
‘From who?’ I ask, just as the obvious answer rears up in my mind.
‘From Ofsted,’ she groans. ‘They’re coming tomorrow.’
Robocoppers
Priya, Al, Tanya
Weds 30 Nov
10.47
Priya
WHY IS NO ONE PICKING UP THEIR PHONE?!
Al
Because I’m on a bus with 30 children, half of whom are sleeping, the other half puking.
It’s chaos. . .
Priya
Oh shit of course – how was the trip?
Do you know where Tanya is?
I really need to speak to her?
Tanya
I’m here – I’m in the library doing some research.
Is everything okay?
Al
Oh shit of course – how was the trip?
I have a LOT to tell you.
Priya
And I’d love to hear it.
But Tan – the tests on the cake came back.
Tanya
Oh God.
Go on.
Priya
I asked my mate to check them twice.
Tanya
GO ON.
Al
FFS, Pri.
It’s a food allergy test.
Not Santa’s bloody naughty list.
Priya
The results are 100% conclusive.
There were no nuts in your cake.
Al
KNEW IT!
TAN!!!
This is amazing!
Shit – gtg – Riley just projectile vommed all over Elijah’s head
Priya
Tan?
Tanya – you there?!
Tanya
Sorry.
Sitting in the library.
Crying.
Priya
I’m on my way.
Tanya
You don’t need to do that.
Priya
Yes, I do.
With you in ten.
But babe.
This was never on you.
PARENTCHAT
Clearer Community Communication
ST NONNATUS CE PRIMARY
Ora et labora
Year 6 Tiger Class
click here for group info
Weds 30 Nov
12.54
Zofia
Have you guys heard?!
Ofsted are coming tomorrow!
Sharon
Oh Christ.
That’s the last thing needs, poor bugger.
Zofia
Why?
He’s fantastic – he’ll be fine.
Petra
Has anyone got Archie’s shirt and shorts?
At the moment, he’s going in tomorrow in his pyjamas.
Donna
Hey everyone!
How was the trip?
Finley is knackered – he looks like I did when I was a club rep in Ibiza!
Sharon
He’s fantastic – he’ll be fine.
He is.
But if it’s the same bloke as last time, he’s screwed.
Fatima
Finley is knackered – he looks like I did when I was a club rep in Ibiza!
Khadija too!
Stella
William is still being sick from the coach journey.
Dustin
But if it’s the same bloke as last time, he’s screwed.
Why so?
Sharon
Because rumour has it that he went for the St Nonn’s Headship the year Stitchwell got it.
Never forgiven the school for choosing her over him.
Accused the school of nepotism – and he was probably right.
Stitchwell was a relatively junior secondary school teacher when she got it.
Jennie
William is still being sick from the coach journey.
Riley’s just thrown up again too.
Anyone know how to get vomit out of Nintendo Switch?
Annie
Riley’s just thrown up again too.
Sasha too. . .
I’d assumed it was all the sweets she ate on the coach.
Felicity
Um. . .
Have any of you been asked to speak to the police again?
Flo
Ollie’s honking too.
Oh God.
You know what this means. . .
Sharon
Have any of you been asked to speak to the police again?
About what, love?
I’ve been trying to take over Tash Tompkins’s drug game.
But the hardest thing in my house is ibuprofen.
(And I include my Stan in that.)
Zofia
I heard the police were pulling people in left and right.
They must have some new information.
Jane
You know what this means . . .
No!
Not the dreaded Norovirus!
It wiped us all out last time!
Petra
Has anyone got Archie’s shirt and shorts?
Okay, don’t worry about it.
He’s just vomited all over the rest of his uniform.
He’s not going to school tomorrow.
Sarah
They must have some new information.
I heard they found ’s fingerprints all over that nut oil bottle.
The one that fell out of Creepy Jesus at Parents’ Evening.
Sharon
Noooooo!
And how do I keep missing you, Sarah love?
I want to invite Elijah to Matthew’s party.
Flo
Flatford High folk. . .
Did you hear that a boy was excluded this week?
For upskirting in the girls’ loos. . .
Dustin
Themis posted about this back along.
It’s not the right way of going about it.
But at least it’s giving these young women a voice.
Stella
Not the dreaded Norovirus!
Let’s not leap to conclusions.
I’m sure they’re all tired and have been eating far too many sweets.
There’s no evidence there was any kind of bug on the trip.
Sharon
Oh come on Stella.
That’s Archie, William, Riley, Sasha. . .
Donna
Oh – and Finley now.
Sharon
Hope chucked up last night at Radford House.
What more proof do you need?
Al
Hi guys.
Just been throwing up a lung
Must have been something I ate at Radford House.
What have I missed?
Tanya
OH MY GOD EVERYONE!
I’ve just got off the phone with Mike!
Jenna is alive!
Sharon
Oh thank God!
Stella
Praise the Lord!
Dustin
This is the best news!
Flo
Where is she?
How is she?
Tanya
So her convoy hit a landmine.
Her colleagues didn’t make it – miraculously she did.
She’s pretty beaten up – lots of broken bones.
But she was airlifted to a military hospital in Bahrain.
She’s safe.
Annie
I’m just sitting here crying my eyes out
(And Matthew’s having a party?)
Karen
When’s she coming home?
Tanya
There’s the rub. . .
Mike is on his way to the airport. I have Jacob and Bea here.
But Jenna can’t fly home on a commercial airline.
She needs a private air ambulance.
And they don’t come cheap.
Sarah
How much?
Tanya
About ￡25K.
Karl
Jesus. . . could we fundraise?
It’s the Xmas Fayre soon.
Put the funds towards that?
Tanya
Lovely thought.
But the last fayre raised just over ￡4K.
And with the best will in the world
people just don’t have it to spare right now.
Donna
So when will she be able to fly?
Tanya
Weeks. Months maybe.
I’ve said we’ll have the kids for as long as is necessary.
Sharon
And we’ll all help you love, you know that.
But poor little Jacob.
Don’t get me wrong, thank Christ everyone’s okay.
But no parents for Christmas.
Tanya
I know, it’s so sad.
But let’s do what we can to give him and Bea a good time.
Let’s get this wretched Ofsted out the way.
Then I know we can all pull together.
Good luck with the pukes everyone!
May the Dettol be with you. . .
PARENTCHAT
Clearer Community Communication
ST NONNATUS CE PRIMARY
Ora et labora
Weds 30 November
Mrs Marcia [email protected]
To: Whole School
Re: URGENT – OFSTED INSPECTION THURSDAY 1 DECEMBER
Dear Self-Determining Care Providers,
I hope that you’ll forgive the extraordinary communication on a Wednesday, but, as you may already be aware, tomorrow we will be welcoming the inspectors from Ofsted to St Nonnatus Primary. This is an exciting time for our school to really demonstrate what a fantastic educational and pastoral community we are and we ask for everyone’s help in ensuring that we really put our best foot forward. So in that spirit:
1)?Can we please ensure that all children are dressed even more smartly than usual in the correct uniform and are neatly presented with no additions to the uniform policy. Our last report noted the proliferation of ‘fluffy unicorn ears’ in certain classes and we’re very keen to show growth.
2)?If anyone can spare some time this evening to help us with a last-minute spruce of the school, we would be incredibly grateful. With our caretaker position presently vacant, we are asking for all hands to the plough for a little spit and polish to ensure we really ‘shine’!
3)?Ofsted are keen to speak with children and their parents as part of their inspection of our school. We of course welcome your honesty as part of this process, but hope that you have made use of the feedback mechanisms in school should you have any significant concerns. Whilst Ofsted are thorough in their inspections, matters such as ‘I don’t like the colour of the walls’ or ‘we need reed diffusers’ felt like an inefficient use of this opportunity during our last inspection.
4)?It can be unsettling for the children to have new faces around school, so please assure your young people that these are welcome visitors to St Nonnatus and we’re very happy to help them with their work. If perhaps it could also be impressed upon our children that these two days would be an excellent opportunity to show their very best Star Learning and only use their Good Choice Words, this would be appreciated as well.
5)?Please do not park inconsiderately tomorrow. It sets such an unfortunate tone for the visit if the inspectors are unable to access the school in the first instance.
We are so excited for this opportunity to show off our wonderful school. We trust everyone will stay calm and act as normally as possible.
I leave you with the words of Lance Corporal Jones: ‘Don’t panic!’
Best wishes,
Mrs Marcia Cox
Office Manager
St Nonnatus Primary School