Page 134 of That Last Summer

“Why? Why do you want me to leave?”

“Because I’m never going to give you what you want. I’ll never tell you I love you. I’ll never feel it again.”

I refuse to believe his words. “No, that’s not true. I know how I’ve felt these last few weeks, and I know you felt the same. We need... We need to give this a name and decide together what’s going to happen from now on.”

“What’s going to happen from now on? What the fuck do you think is going to happen? Wake up, Priscila! This is not a fucking fairy tale. It’s sex! Just damn sex!”

“No. I don’t believe that. It wasn’t just sex. Sex without love isn’t like that, doesn’t feel like that, Alex. You do love me.”

“No. I loved you, Priscila. I loved you more than anything. But not anymore. Do you think I wouldn’t have asked for explanations, for the reason you abandoned our life, if I still loved you? Do you really think I’d have accepted this?” he asks, pointing at us. “I’ll answer for you: no. If I still loved you, I wouldn’t have allowed this, knowing you’d run off again in a few weeks.”

“We haven’t talked about what happened because we were scared. Afraid of remembering, reliving it all and—”

“No, Priscila. I wasn’t afraid to remember. You destroyed me, you destroyed me so badly that I’m unable to love again. And much less to love you.”

“I broke you?” I ask, shocked. “And what did you do to me, huh?”

“Me? You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Yes, you! But it doesn’t matter anymore. If I can forget about it, you—”

“Forget it? If you can forget about it?” Alex laughs once more, as if astounded, and I start to freak out. “Well I can’t! I haven’t forgotten any of it and I never will!”

“I... I don’t understand,” I say hesitantly. “This is surreal. Why would you say that? I can forget about it, and you can’t? Really? I think you’re going to have to explain.”

“Do you really have the insolence to say such things? You ended my life, Priscila. I can’t swim professionally because of you. You fucking finished me, and I don’t even know why, because you didn’t even deign to tell me.”

Wait a minute. It’s my fault he can’t swim? What is he saying?

“What are you talking about? It’s not my fault that you can’t swim. It was an accident; you had an accident, skiing. What do I have to do with it?”

“You have everything to do with it! Everything!”

“I was thousands of miles away from here, how I could possibly have anything to do with it?”

“Exactly: you were thousands of miles away from here, thousands of miles away from your husband. From a husband who had no fucking idea why you’d left him. A husband who needed you like never before, so much so that he would even have forgiven you. But you didn’t even deign to show up. Although, why would you if you didn’t say goodbye either? Not even that, and I’ve always wondered why. What happened? What led you to leave me overnight without even saying goodbye? There could have been many reasons, you could have told me ‘Alex, I don’t love you’ or ‘Alex, I don’t want to live with you because we’re still too young’ or ‘Alex, I think I was wrong, I don’t want a relationship with you.’ But there was nothing. No explanation, not even a goodbye. You did it in the cruelest way possible.”

“Alex...”

“You have no idea what I had to go through when you left me. I didn’t understand anything. I didn’t understand a damn shit about what was happening! Why the hell didn’t you talk to me? Why?”

“It wasn’t like that, I...”

I want to explain myself. I need to, but Alex isn’t listening, he has too much anger inside. I feel it, like choking. Like my chest is going to explode.

“You didn’t even deign to come see me! Why, Priscila? No matter what had happened between us, I’d had an accident, and you didn’t come, you weren’t by my side. I’d never have left you alone. I needed you. I needed you above anything else!”

“Alex! I did come to see you. Of course I did.”

“What?”