Page 100 of That Friendzone Feeling

ThetearsI’dfought back whileWalkerwas here flow freely down my cheeks.Mybody rocks with sobs.Thetwist in my gut and my throat is unbearable.LikeI’llnever feel normal again.

It’llbe hard work to get our friendship and working relationship back to normal and to stop myself from jumping on him now thatIknow he wants me as much asIwant him.ButSensibleEmilyknows that in the long run it would ruin everything.

Ifwe were involved, there’d be no getting back to where we are now when it went wrong.I’dloseWalkerforever… and possibly the business as well.

Itmight hurt like hell right now, but at least there’s hope our friendship is salvageable.

Ifthings had been different—if we’d gone our separate ways after school, done totally separate things, and met up again now—I’dsnap him up in a flash.

Atleast,I’dlike to thinkIwould.

Oris he right?WouldIpush him away because he’s a good guy andIknow how to be around only people who treat me like crap?

Imean, he’s always right.Right?

Myphone pings beside me.

LEON (03:46 PM)

Are you sure you don’t want me to do more than just pink champagne for Valentine’s?

Christ, ifLeonharps on about wanting to pull out all the stops forFebruaryfourteenth one more time,Imight just tell him to close for that night.ButValentine’snight is a big earner, and he’s only trying to do his best.Ishould show some willingness—a little.

ME (03:47 PM)

Put flowers on the tables if you must. But only if they’re the coolest flowers we’ve ever seen.

Idrop my phone back on the floor and wipe my face, but new tears fall in their place.It’slikeI’velost all control.Ican’t do anything to stop my body from feeling the things it needs to feel.

IguessI’vebeen trying to suppress these emotions for years, and now they’re telling me who’s boss—making me sob and feel sick and as if there’s a cactus in my throat and a blowtorch behind my eyes.It’sas if my body’s punishing me for not letting it have what it wants, what it needs.

Fuck, this whole thing is terrible.Whythe hell didIhave to give in to these feelings forWalker?Twice.

IfIhadn’t kissed him in the car after the accident, everything would be fine right now.There’dhave been no sexy times on the resort workbench, no incredible night in his bedroom, and everything would be like it was before—just dandy.

It’sall my own stupid fault.Ialways knew it was wrong.Ialways knew we couldn’t be together.ButIdid it anyway.

Andnow look what’s happened.

Christ,I’msuch a fucking idiot.

Thephone rings beside me on thefloor, andIflip it over.

Mom.

Excellent.She’sthe exact opposite of whatIneed right now.

Butat least answering the call would force me to stop sobbing and feeling sorry for myself.IfIpick it up,Ihave to make myself have a conversation.Fakingthat everything’s normal toMommight set me on the right road to it actually being normal.I’msure this isn’t what anyone’s ever meant by “fake it till you make it,” butIhave to pull myself together sooner or later, so it’s worth a try.

Iwipe my face and nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt.Classy.

“Hi,Mom.”

“Hello, darling.Sorryit’s taken me a couple of days to call.We’vebeen so busy.ButIsaw you at that movie premiere withChaseCooper.”

Fromher tone when she said his hallowed name, you’d thinkI’dwalked the red carpet withMotherTeresaon one arm andGandhion the other.

“Whydidn’t you tell me?”Hervoice rises to a pitch better suited to communicating with dolphins than humans.