Page 96 of That Fake Feeling

“Connor?”Jorge’svoice jolts me back to reality.

Butis this reality?OramIjust kidding myself that life can really be like this?Thatstanding here on the deck listening to the sound of the ocean and watchingRoseclimb back into her chair and curl her legs up under her is a lifeIcan have?

Orare all her reservations correct?Arewe getting caught up in a temporary fantasy that will be shattered when she goes back to full-time school and volunteering andIhave to knuckle down with the company?

Theexcitement of the possibility of a future withRosethat whirled through my mind a few minutes ago washes away like driftwood caught on the outgoing tide.

Butthere’s one thingIknow with absolute fucking certainty—even if it has no future,Iwant to hold onto it for every single precious secondIcan.

“Sorry,Jorge.”Iclear my throat. “Yes.I’mhere.”

“Totallyget that you might be a bit overcome.”Hedoesn’t do empathy well. “It’sprobably a lot to take in.Abig relief.”

Rose’shair glints in the firelight as she pulls out her phone and leans over it, tapping away.

“Yes,Jorge.Ihave an enormous amount to take in.”Istraighten my shoulders and rub the back of my neck. “Thanksfor letting me know.I’llsee youMonday.”

Ihang up as he says goodbye and stride back towardRose.There’snot a second of this woman’s presenceI’mprepared to waste.

Iperch on the arm of her chair and push her hair back to reveal her beautiful face full of concern.

“What’sup?”Iask. “Doyou have some business going on too?”

“AuntJen.Shewants me to take you out to meet her.”Rosecloses her eyes and drops her head into my hand. “I’vetyped three replies and deleted them already.”

Ihand her her wine glass. “Trynot to worry.Ibet she won’t mind if you don’t reply right away.”

Myphone buzzes again. “Jesus.Doesn’tanyone relax away from their phone on the weekend?”

STERLING(9:17PM)

Youshould have heard fromJorgeby now.Welldone!Youcan cutRoseher check.Andcut her loose.

Thebrick in my stomach is joined by several more, and they’re on spin cycle.

Runningthe business forever would be hellish enough, but the thought of it is even more sickening now thatI’vehad this tantalizing taste of what it’s like to be full of life and hope.

Butthe possibility of going back to that lifeandlosingRoseat the same time is like jumping off a cliff into a raging cauldron.

Rosesnaps her attention away from her phone and onto me, placing a hand on my thigh and sitting up straight. “Didsomeone die?Youlook like someone’s died.”

Iturn off my phone, cup the back of her head, and plant a kiss on her soft, smooth forehead. “It’snothing.Let’senjoy the weekend.”

25

ROSE

Asingle ray of bright sunlight leaks through the bedroom shutters.Isthis the first morning of a better future?Afuture whereI’veopened my life to human affection as well as to pursuing a goal?

Isink further into the thick, lush pillow and snuggle my naked body againstConnor’sas he sleepily spoons me.

Thesoft hairs on his chest tickle my back, his slow breath warms my neck, and his erection brushes my bare butt.

Forthe first time in a long time,Imight be whereIbelong.Idon’t mean in a stunning beach house or waking up next to a billionaire, but lying next toConnor’ssleeping body.Andif that were in a crappy apartment or a tent, or if he were a penniless artist scraping to get by,Iwouldn’t give a damn.Allthat matters is him.Notthe surroundings or the circumstances.

Yes,IthoughtIwas just a summer fling to him and that he’d toss me aside the second he no longer needed a fake girlfriend, but whenItried to put on a brave face last night and suggested it would all be over onceIhave to go back to school and my real life, he looked devastated.

Somaybe it’s okay.Maybeallowing myself to give in to my feelings, allowing myself to do something other than constantly work and strive, might actually make me an even better student.MaybeIalways had it wrong.Insteadof being a distraction, maybe a fulfilling relationship outside the classroom would make me even more focused.Thiscould be the biggest giftIcould ever give myself.