Page 18 of Taste of Thorns (The Firestone Academy #3)

Chapter Sixteen

T horne

The world has shifted slightly on its axis. Everything is wrong.

Off kilter. Unbalanced, Lopsided.

Since the accident all that time ago, I have kept my emotions and my feelings closely guarded. They are dangerous things – far more dangerous than the menacing shadows that lurch through my body bent on destruction and pain.

Emotions do not yield with control. And control is what I need to stay safe, to keep those around me safe, to live some kind of life even if it’s a life which seems worthless.

A life that had seemed worthless until she stepped into it. Shining a light, quite literally, into all my darkest places.

Of course, there have always been those moments when the memories creep up on me unseen, to torture and taunt me with what I did, with what I’ve done. Then it’s unbearable. Then it all seems pointless.

More than once, I’ve thought about disappearing, finding my way to the edge of the realm, stepping into the abyss and letting the monsters and demons tear me apart.

Isn’t it what I deserve? What should have happened to me long ago? I don’t deserve to be alive. Not with them dead.

It’s only been my bond brothers who have prevented me in those moments of despair from going through with it.

Fate has bound us together. I have to believe it has bound us for a reason, for a purpose, something to live for.

And then there’s the knowledge of the pain I’d bring to them if I were to do it.

I know what it’s like to lose the people you care most about in the world.

But they say, it’s even worse for those bound by fate.

A pain so great it would drive you into the waiting arms of insanity.

I couldn’t do that to them. I can’t be responsible for any more pain.

That was my life. Surviving. Clinging on to this control. Suppressing everything. Barely here. An empty nothingness.

And then she came along.

I lift the hem of my leather glove and stare down at the markings on my wrist. They are even darker than they were. Once a yellowish color, now they are almost as black as my eyes.

A reminder of why I am here. Why I cannot leave.

I have my purpose now. To protect her. To keep her safe.

I trace a finger over the marks, over the patterns forming on my wrists. They are abstract swirls and I do not understand their meaning, even if I do understand their significance.

I am certain with every drop of blood in my body, with every ounce of my magic, that my purpose is to protect Briony Storm.

And yet … she was the one who protected me. No, it was more than that. By all accounts, she saved my life and dragged me back from the overwhelming darkness, back to the there and the now, back to her.

I shrug on my thick winter coat and my durable boots, pull a hat down over my ears and step out into the cold night. The snow that fell several days ago lies frozen on the ground and the moon has not yet risen into the clear sky.

I hide in the darkness, striding quickly through the pathways and finding my way out to the field. I cross it just as quickly, taking refuge under the trees, and concealing myself in their cover. Then I wait.

Despite all the dangers that lurk in the shadows, all the times she’s been hurt, she still appears, shivering in the cold and jogging eagerly towards me and the forest.

She’s come as usual to visit the dragon. I keep away. Shame – my familiar friend – rests on my shoulders, weighing them down and keeping me away.

She shouldn’t be the one saving me. I am her mate, her protector. I am a shadow weaver. A powerful one. And I’m no longer a child. I should have conquered this by now. Banished the past and the demons that lurk there, learned to control my shadows.

I haven’t. Because, despite what they all think, I am weak.

Well, I won’t let her down again. I’ll follow her through the trees at a distance, observing as she practices her new lumomancy skills with the professor, watching over her, keeping her safe.

I have my reason now and I will cling to it with everything I have.

When the lesson is over, I follow her back to the safety of her tower, and then I linger outside, peering up at her narrow window until eventually the light extinguishes and I’m left alone in the cold.

My gaze falls to the frozen earth and I find her faint footprints in the snow. So small. Just like her. Delicate, precious and yet all along she’d possessed this strength and this power within her.

I press my boot over her footprint and it swamps it completely. My foot, like the rest of me, is nearly double her size.

I consider what it would be like to succumb to this relentless need inside of me and take her in my arms. I’d crowd her with my frame. I’d crush her with my weight.

I flip back my head and screw up my eyes.

Why do I want that? Why do I want it so badly? Why, when I don’t deserve it? Why, when I’ve let her down? Why, when I would only hurt her?

Why is my cock hard imagining it? Imagining sinking into her warm wet heat?

Could she even take me? I’m bigger than Dray and Beaufort. Bigger than the professor too. It isn’t only my magic that could cause her harm.

The shadows roar inside me. It’s too dangerous to linger here outside her tower with thoughts like this infecting my mind.

I stride away, my breath ragged clouds in the freezing air, and slink into our tower, retreating into my room and locking the door behind me.

I don’t bother to turn on the light. I don’t want to witness my shame. Instead, I yank the gloves from my hands and collapse down onto the bed.

Immediately, my shadows race around me, swirling and spiraling, surging and seething. But not with rage. Not with their usual torment. With a white-hot desire.

I yank down my pants, my hard cock bobbing upright. I grip it in my fist as the shadows spin in a tormented lust.

I groan, imagining her. Imagining what it would be like to touch. What it would be like for her to touch me.

I let myself imagine. Just this once. Knowing it can never be.