Page 53 of Sweet Escape (Whispering Oaks Ranch #1)
Head or Heart
? The View Between Villages - Noah Kahan
Wilder
I stride through the big house with single-minded focus, and it doesn't take long to find Mama in her home office. Her glasses are perched on the end of her nose as she peers at the computer screen like it personally offended her.
Behind her large oak desk are floor-to-ceiling bookshelves lined with hundreds of books—mostly textbooks with the odd romance novel, and a dedicated shelf at the bottom for Emmy Lou’s collection of fairy tales.
Natural light floods the space from the massive windows on the left side of the room, while the right wall is covered in family photos from before I was even born, all the way up until Emmy’s third birthday.
I pause in front of the photo of me, Emmy, and Liv behind her cowboy-themed birthday cake.
It’s not one I’ve seen before. Liv and I are looking at each other over Emmy’ s head as my little girl positively beams at the camera. We look like a family.
When the door closes behind me, Mama’s head snaps up. Whatever she sees in my face, her gaze softens, and a gentle gesture invites me to the small, sunlit seating area near the windows.
“Head or heart?” she asks.
In other words, ‘Do you need a mom or a therapist?’ It’s something she’s said to us for as long as I can remember. It’s always shaped the way she approaches our problems. Head or heart.
“Maybe a little bit of both.”
She nods. “I can do that.”
I swallow hard, mentally preparing myself for the conversation I’ve been putting off for far too long. Liv’s quiet confession has been playing on a loop in my mind for days, tempting me, taunting me.
As if sensing where my thoughts have strayed, Mama speaks first.
“You love her,” she says matter-of-factly. “You love her, Wilder. I know that’s hard for you to come to terms with, given the implications, but you do. You love her fiercely, my boy, there’s really no getting around it.”
I don’t respond. What can I say to that?
“Trouble is, we all love her. So, you’re going to have to get on board with what’s happening before she walks away.”
“What if I lose her?” My biggest fear comes tumbling out before I can stop it.
Mama smiles sympathetically.“What if I lose your daddy? What if I lose you or your brothers? It’s a risk we all take when we open our hearts to love. You have to decide if it’s a risk you’re willing to take.”
“Head or heart?” I ask.
“That, my sweet boy, was heart, but my response would be much the same eith er way. You can’t spend your life living in fear of what might happen. That’s not living.”
“It’s my fault, Mama.”
“What do you mean?”
“The accident. Losing Jess. It was my fault. It should’ve been me.” I bury my face in my hands, trying to hold it all together.
“Wilder, look at me.” When I look up again, her gaze holds mine, unwavering empathy radiating off her in waves. “Do you think Jess would want you to be in her place? Do you think she would have chosen to spend her life without you?”
“No, but?—”
“It could’ve happened to anyone that night.
It was a series of misfortunes that led to her death, and none of what happened rests on your shoulders.
Let go of the guilt that’s eating you up.
That’s no way to live. Not for you, not for anyone.
Jess would be happy to know her heart is beating for someone else now.
She saved many lives that night. Take solace in that. ”
In my gut, I know she’s right, but that doesn’t make it any easier to face the truth. Even if I could let go of the past, that doesn’t change that I’ve already caused so much damage to my relationship with Liv by holding myself back.
“She told me she loves me,” I say. “Olivia, I mean.”
She reaches out and squeezes my hand. “Then you should consider yourself fortunate to have the love of such a special woman. To love and be loved is the greatest gift.”
I rub a hand over my temples. A pang of regret settles in my bones. “I didn’t say it back.”
She pats my cheek, giving me a wry smile. “She knows. A good woman always knows.”
“I don’t want to fail them.”
“You won’t. All you have to do is love them. Everything else is extra. ”
I stand to leave, pulling Mama in for a brief hug. “Thank you.”
I make it all the way to the doorway before her voice calls me back. “Wilder?”
“Yeah?”
“Head or heart?”
“Heart.”
My fingers play with the weathered slip of paper in my pocket, my thumb sliding carefully over the small fold in the center before I bring it out to read the words for what must be the thousandth time since I pulled it from the fortune cookie.
“Love doesn’t have to be once in a lifetime.”
I’ll never know what compelled me to keep it—to lie about the contents and tuck it away for safekeeping—but it felt somehow essential to my wellbeing. I couldn’t bring myself to toss it away with the trash, even though I loathed its sentiment from the very beginning. Not anymore.
I follow the cobblestone path toward the back of the cemetery, stopping beside the overgrown oak with the orange and red leaves scattered around its base.
It’s my first time seeing the black granite headstone, with her name etched across the front with a beginning and an end.
I move closer to the stone, swiping the fallen leaves from the surface.
Stepping back, I slide my hands into my pockets, wishing I could reach out and touch her one last time.
“Hey, Jess. It’s been a while.”
A soft breeze tickles the hair at the nape of my neck, bringing with it a calm that settles under my skin and soothes my ragged nerves .
“Did you do it? Did you send them to me?”
She won’t answer, but somehow I know. This has Jess written all over it.
“You knew. I don’t know how, but you did.
I couldn’t see through the wreckage you left behind, couldn’t breathe through the pain.
I spent my days trying to be enough for Emmy on my own, and my nights wishing you’d walk through the door to save us from my failures.
” I pinch my eyes shut, willing away the tears.
“When I thought we were irrevocably broken, Olivia found me—or maybe we found each other. She’s put me back together somehow, piece by piece.
With her, I feel like I might be okay; I can let go of the guilt that’s been weighing me down and open my heart again—to her and to Gracie. ”
The deep-seated anguish and regret begin to wane with each fervent confession. I crouch in front of the stone, my elbows resting on my thighs, head bowed in contrition.
I don’t love Jess any less because I've fallen for Olivia… but it’s different. With Olivia, there was an instant connection, an inherent draw that pulled me toward her. It knocked me on my ass before I could even give voice to what it was I was feeling.
Jess and I… we just were .
Ever since we were kids, she was always there, and one day, I realized what we had was love.
It wasn’t all-consuming. It wasn’t a bowl you over, steal your breath kind of love.
It was a slow build, a best friend, will love you ‘til the day I die kind of love. That hasn’t changed. Jess will always be part of who I am.
But I’ve made room for the woman who smells like cupcakes and lights up my entire world with her smile.
I’ve made space for the little snort she does when she laughs, and the way she fidgets with the ring on her finger when she’s nervous.
I’ve made time for dancing in the kitchen and daisy crowns made by hand.
Despite how she sees herself, she’s the calm in the storm, the softness to my hardness.
She’s the heart of us, and I am so fucking gone for her.
Maybe I have been all along, but I couldn’t reconcile the grief with my feelings for her.
Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I gather the courage I need to continue.
“I know Emmy didn’t get the best of me after you left, but I did what I could to make sure she was safe and happy.
She’s amazing, Jess. So full of life, with the biggest heart.
I see so much of you in her. Sometimes it’s like you’re still here.
She’s everything good in this world, and I know she’s gonna be the best big sister when the time comes.
I wish you could see it… maybe you can.”
A part of me thought I was coming here to ask for forgiveness or permission, but standing here now, I know I don’t need to do that. My world didn’t end when she left it, and that’s okay. We’re okay.
If she could speak to me right now, she’d tell me to go home and be with my family. So that’s what I’m going to do.
“Goodbye, Jess. Thank you… for the time we had together, and for… everything after. I’ll always love you.”