Page 5

Chapter five

Noel

T he day after Velocity’s charity event, I wake up on edge. Declan never came back to our table. When the auction closed, Claire, his secretary, sought me out to let me know that he was tied up with business and introduced me to a security guard who would walk me to my car. I tried to decline, but her words were literally, “That’s not possible.” Kate was practically drooling and kept gushing about how thoughtful it was of him, but I was skeptical about what business he would be handling at midnight.

I try to push my annoyance away by focusing on the full day ahead but fail miserably the entire morning. Declan is already under my skin, and I’d be fooling myself to think otherwise. When he walked up to me last night in that all black suit with his silky brown hair smoothed back off his face, it was all I could do to pretend I wasn’t deeply affected by him coming back into my life. Then he touched me in little ways throughout the night, and now I know that time and space really don’t change some feelings.

The connection I had with Declan never developed physically because of outside factors, but we were emotionally closer than I’ve ever been to anyone else, including Nate. Every thought and dream I had, he knew it. Opening up to him felt natural. He usually knew what I was thinking before I could say it anyway.

After last night, there’s no doubt where this is going, but, fuck, I am not prepared. Kate thinks it's the perfect scenario to get me back into the dating world. She doesn't know all the reasons I have not to trust him. If I could just be more like her. If I could just be casual, but I'm not. Some of my oldest scars belong to Declan. If he opens those next to the fresh ones Nate left behind, I don't think I could survive it.

Nate. I glance at his vanity when I finish with my hair. It used to be littered with things, but it's bare now. I used to complain to him about how messy his area of our bathroom stayed. I was always wiping globs of toothpaste and freshly shaved whiskers from the sink. Now it stays immaculately clean. Unused.

I wonder if other men are as messy as Nate. I wonder if Declan is.

Pulling myself together as best I can with the storm brewing inside, I leave home to meet Grant at Nate’s grave to clean and replace his flowers. We’ve naturally fallen into a routine of meeting every other Sunday. I usually go alone between these visits but not this week. Admittedly, I’ve been avoiding my husband since Declan stepped into my office.

Since going back to work and rejoining the world, I’ve felt the connection I had with Nate slipping through my fingers. Staying home allowed me to pretend he was at work or away on business when I needed a break from the grief. Days began to go by in which I didn’t fall apart, and I knew I was adjusting to his absence. In my refusal to let him go, I forced myself to think of him more. I was desperate to keep him, but reality wouldn’t allow it.

One morning, I made it all the way through a cup of coffee before the realization dawned on me that I hadn’t reached for him when I woke up. I called Joe later that day to let him know I was ready to go back to work. Nate was really gone. If I couldn’t even keep him inside my pretend bubble, I didn’t want to sit around in a silent house feeling his absence so completely.

The way I felt with Declan last night only confirms the reality that I will move on. That death did, in fact, do us part. A part of me feels guilty for the thoughts and feelings Declan has stirred up inside of me. Another part of me is relieved. Loyalty to my husband has been warring with my own need to feel alive for some time now. And Declan’s subtle touches last night certainly felt better than the cold, empty bed I crawled into at the end of the night.

When Grant arrives at Nate's gravesite, he must sense my mood because he hugs me a little longer than usual. Luckily, he doesn’t ask questions. I wouldn’t know what to say if he did. It's one thing to admit I'm ready to date again. It's something else entirely to have old feelings for a first love resurface. Nate would feel betrayed if I somehow still had feelings for Declan. Wouldn't he?

We quietly set to work removing the fallen leaves from the grave. Then Grant places a new flower arrangement beside the headstone .

“His mother will be in town this week. I know you like to come here on your own, so I didn’t want you surprised to find her here,” Grant says as we stand back to look over what’s left of the vibrant man we loved.

“Thanks for the heads up. I’ll stay out of her way.” I never developed a relationship with Jaclyn Williams. Nate had forgiven her and developed a relationship of sorts with her, but I kept my distance.

While he claimed to have forgiven her, I still paid for her sins. He was always anxious about any space I needed. Not that I wanted space often, but girls-only outings or trips were always stressful for our marriage. Nate always needed affirmation that I wouldn’t leave him. For the demons she left him with, I still choose to hold the grudge for him.

“Can’t blame you there,” Grant nods in agreement. “Noel, we have a board meeting this week. I’ll need you to sign off on a few agenda items. I’ll have someone stop by your office with the paperwork.”

“Oh, alright. I didn’t realize I would need to do anything more,” I answer him surprised but am happy to help.

“Because the votes are your own, they must be accounted for by your signature in your absence. I don’t mean to put extra work on you. The paperwork will be complete when you receive it. You’re welcome to look over everything and change your vote should you disagree with my choices,” he explains as he kneels down to put his hand on Nate’s headstone.

“I trust you know your company much better than I do,” I tell him.

“This won’t happen often. However, we will need to meet next month in my office to discuss how much of your dividends you would like to invest,” he says, walking toward me.

We never stay long here, and he is a busy man—even on Sundays.

“Alright. I’ll be there,” I say as he leans in to give me a goodbye hug .

“Take care, sweetheart. See you in a couple of weeks.” He turns to the grave and says, “Bye, son.”

My heart clenches at his pain, and the guilt I feel doubles.

Growing up, I spent most Sundays in the pool at Joe’s house. My parents, Joe and his wife, along with a few other couples, were such close friends that all of their children were raised like cousins. Uncle Joe and Aunt Beth still host every Sunday even though most of us are grown and don’t go often.

Today I find myself needing the comfort of Aunt Beth’s eggplant parmigiana and a glass of wine. I also need to rid myself of at least some guilt, so I drive to the gated community that is almost as familiar as the one I grew up in.

When I pull into the drive, my mother walks out to greet me. She and my father have given me space these last few months but have dropped hints more recently about family expectations. They want to see me more. They also want me to keep up social appearances within their circles. Feelings should be dealt with privately. On the outside, we should all be the picture of grace and charm.

“Oh, I’m so glad you’re here!” She practically pulls me out of my car and into a hug. “Did you bring a bikini? We’re out by the pool today. It's too hot for much else!”

“I did, actually,” I tell her with a smile.

“Perfect! Joe tells us things are going well at work,” she says.

“I'm glad to be getting into a familiar routine,” I tell her honestly.

She smiles, and I can see the relief in her eyes. “That’s great, Noel. Before you know it, you’ll find a new love. Maybe even that mysterious Isaiah Canton. Dad tells me he is starting to get a little more serious about life these days now that his father has retired.”

I stiffen at her words. Isaiah is nothing close to my mother’s idea of husband material. She has known him his whole life. His father, Jeff Canton, is part of their inner circle of friends. She would never suggest Isaiah as an option unless my father put her up to it.

My head spins trying to decipher why she would bring him up. Unless she knows about Declan Adams being my new client and wants to intervene. Surely she doesn't know. She wouldn’t be as cheerful about this conversation if she did. Besides, I’m pretty sure Joe doesn’t know anything about the account other than the company name and that Claire Morris is the point of contact on file.

“I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to push by any means. You know I get ahead of myself,” she says.

You absolutely meant it, Mother.

“It’s fine, Mom. Maybe you’re right about dating, but let’s hold off on wedding plans,” I say to placate her.

Of course my stupid brain chooses right now to blast the image of Declan in his suit last night looking at me like he wanted to eat me alive. Damn it! I take a steadying breath and pretend it’s because of the heat.

Mom agrees by adding her own dramatic sigh and waving her hand as though she’s fanning herself.

We walk through the main living area out to the back porch. I can already see the pool is crowded with Uncle Joe’s adult children and their families. Kids are laughing and splashing. It is truly the perfect day to be in a pool.

Aunt Beth walks around from the inside of the bar to give me a hug. She must be finished in the kitchen for the day because she is already wearing her swimsuit and holding a cocktail. Sunday dinners are serious business in an Italian household. She has probably been up since sunrise getting everything started. When I was much younger, she would cook all day with the help of the other moms while we played and our dads kept us out of their way. Now she has a small group of women come over to cook after she gets everything prepped. It took Uncle Joe years to convince her to hire help. He finally won her over when their first grandson was born. Now she enjoys her time with their grandchildren on Sundays.

“It is so good of you to come, Noel.” She rests her palm on my cheek. “Get changed and help yourself to anything, piccola.”

“Thank you, Aunt Beth,” I respond with a smile.

I walk over to give my father a hug before walking into the pool house to change into my bikini. When I make it back outside, I find a seltzer beer in the outdoor fridge and join my parents and their friends in the shade. They are discussing vacations and retirement plans. I enjoy listening to their happy chattering while I sip on my drink.

My gaze drifts over to the pool where Joey, Uncle Joe’s oldest son, tosses his daughter into the water. She pops above the surface laughing, begging him to throw her again. I smile watching them play.

My mind drifts to the first time Nate and I talked about forever. It was right here in this pool. He was doing exactly what Joey is doing now, tossing a kid around in the pool to their delight.

"Oh, no! I’m going to drop you! I can’t hold on much longer!" Nate feigned distress to Anastyn’s delight.

"Throw me, Nate! Throw me!" She cried out between giggles just before he tossed her toward the deep end creating a big splash.

The water line rests at his waist, leaving his toned chest and abs on full display. He turns to me still laughing, enjoying the game just as much as the kids. "Your turn?" He reaches out to me.

"No way! I’d lose my top in front of everyone," I laugh and step back .

He chuckles. "Good point. Let’s keep those between us."

I let him pull me to him now that I know he isn’t going to throw me in.

"I want at least four, Noel," he says looking around the pool.

"Kids!?" I ask, surprised at the subject. We’re in our junior year of college. While we have talked about our future together, we’ve always focused more on what trips we want to take, never the serious topics of marriage and kids.

He turns to look at me with a softer smile, his blue-green eyes searching my face. "As many as you would give me, baby. This is the life I want for us. I’ll take you to see the world, just like I promised, but this is what I want in return."

I melt into him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "I want that, too."

A tear falling down my cheek brings me back to the present. I quickly wipe it away, thankful that no one notices. Afraid I may lose myself to the roller coaster of emotions I’ve felt this weekend, I force myself to get up and join the women who are laying out on the lounge chairs.

“Hey, Noel.” Gabbie, Uncle Joe’s daughter, speaks to me first, and her brothers’ wives echo her greeting.

“Hey, everyone, mind if I join you?” I ask.

“We’d love for you to,” one of them answers.

They continue a conversation about SUVs while I settle into a chair. Apparently, one of them is trying to narrow down which one to buy.

Joey’s wife, Amanda, breaks away from the SUV conversation to talk to me instead. “I know you may not be up for this yet, but I want to feel you out, anyway."

I’m closest to her out of all the wives because Joey works at JV Marketing. We have lunch often, and she is always at office events. She’s the type that says what’s on her mind, which makes her perfect for Joey. However I’m never sure what to expect when she starts with a disclaimer.

“Alright, what’s on your mind?” I ask, taking another sip of my seltzer.

“Joey has a newly divorced friend. He asked me recently if I had any friends who were interested in something casual. Seeing you here, I just had the thought that you may enjoy a little distraction without the expectations of something serious,” she lays out her proposal in true Amanda fashion.

“Oh, um,” I stumble, trying to decide how to respond. “Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m not ready yet.” Just as the words leave my mouth, I think of the way my heart fluttered when Declan implied I was his date and the plans I have with him next weekend.

“I assumed as much, but I also thought it was worth asking,” she says and changes the subject. “Joey said you’re kicking ass at work again already. He said he’s pretty sure his dad may leave the company to you if he steps a toe out of line,” she jokes.

I giggle at that. “That’s right. Tell Joey I’m coming for him.” We both laugh.

The rest of the afternoon passes enjoyably. We have dinner outside because the kids want to stay in the pool longer. I managed to enjoy the time with my family and friends without thinking about Nate or Declan again.

I even listen to the radio on the way home and sing along with some of my favorite songs. It isn’t until I get out of the shower and into my pajamas that I check my phone.

I answer a text from Kate then move on to one from Declan.

Have lunch with me this week?

Laying my head back against my headboard, I close my eyes and think back to the bittersweet night that marked the beginning of the end with Declan Adams.

Standing outside of the dugout, I watch other players leaving before Declan finally comes out. He’s all sweaty and dirty, but I don’t care. My heart is pounding in my chest.

We’ve been talking for hours on the phone every night for weeks after he finally asked for my number at school. Now we only see each other in passing at school since schedules changed at the quarter, so I’m nervous to finally spend a little time with him in person.

My parents are going to pick me up, but I haven’t called to tell them the game is over yet. I figure I can squeeze 20-30 minutes in with him before they get suspicious of the time.

"Hey, sunshine," he says, touching my face immediately.

I smile up at him, soaking in the moment. "Hey."

He looks around and says, "Come on. I know a place we can go."

He takes my hand and leads me to a bench behind the field house. It’s dark but not completely. We can still see each other, but it would be difficult for anyone to see us.

He sets his bag down on the ground and takes a long drink of his water. When he’s done, he offers me some. I take it, mostly just for something to do with my hands. Our hands touch again when I give it back to him, and time slows down.

"How long do we have?" He asks.

"I haven’t called them yet," I tell him and swallow .

He takes my hand and rubs circles into the back of it. "Don’t be nervous. You deserve a real first date before I’d feel right about trying to kiss you, anyway. Just hold my hand."

I smile and scoot closer to him. "I saw your big hit."

"Yeah? Coach said some scouts were here looking at me," he says.

We stare at each other for an awkward amount of time before he speaks again. "I think I’m better at talking to you on the phone. I’m too busy staring at you in person," he says. His voice sounds different, deeper somehow.

I giggle and look away. "I know what you mean."

He lifts my chin and says, "I’d rather have nothing to talk about than miss my chance to look at you. You’re so beautiful, Noel. Your eyes are so bright that I can see how green they are even in the dark."

I feel myself leaning into him, hanging on every word. "Declan," I try to return a compliment but my brain feels foggy being this close to him.

"You smell like vanilla. Did I already tell you how much I love that smell?" He asks, not bothered by my lack of words.

I look at his mouth as he licks his lips. "Declan, kiss me," I whisper.

He searches my face and cups my cheek with his giant hand. "Are you sure?"

I lick my lips and nod my head.

Just as he begins to lean in, someone yells my name. We both look to see my father standing at the edge of the field house with his arms crossed.

Opening my eyes to my bedroom, I place my hands over my heart. I can still feel the nerves from that night fluttering in my stomach now. That same feeling of excitement and desire zinged through me last night when he told me I could keep my bottom lip "for now." This time, I won’t have to sneak away from my father to see him. If I end up alone with him now, no one will be there to stop us.

Kate's words come back to me, and I realize she's right. People aren't always who they seem to be. I'm not who I was at sixteen, and I'm sure Declan isn't either. It's time to let go of the past.

I'd like that.

I'll pick you up on Wednesday at noon.

His response comes within a minute. I stare at it for a few seconds before setting my phone down on the nightstand to charge. Then I slowly take off my wedding ring knowing that I just took the first real step at moving on.