Page 14

FOURTEEN

It doesn’t have to mean anything.

Ryan’s words after the kiss keep replaying in my mind. The kiss I told him to forget… Now, if only I could follow my own instructions.

I wish it didn’t mean anything, that we could chalk it up to a margarita-fueled mistake, but I’d be lying to myself if I said that was the case. I’m not ready to face the feelings it stirred up, yet they buzz beneath my skin, no matter how hard I try to brush them away.

A shiver runs down my spine, and my belly clenches. It’s the same reaction I have every time I think about that night, and I’ve thought about it a lot . His lips on mine. The roughness of his stubbled jaw beneath my hands. Our tongues meeting, sending electric zings through my body.

It was a fluke.

Yep, a fluke.

I place my hand over my pounding heart and take a deep breath.

Maybe Natalie was on to something all along. Could there really be something more between Ryan and me? The thought of falling for him both thrills and terrifies me.

If I’m honest, it’s not the first time the possibility has crossed my mind… and it started long before All-Star Weekend. It’s not something I can entertain, though. Look what happened the last time I did. I need to focus on getting my life together. I can’t throw everything away, again, for another hockey player.

But he’s not just another hockey player , that little voice in my head argues.

My phone pings from where it sits on a moving box.

Ryan:

I arranged for one of the interns to meet you at our place with your key. I also left the contact info for some movers on the counter, in case you need help unpacking when the boxes get here. I have the place stocked… I think. Let me know if anything is missing. I’m bummed I’ll be away when you get in. Make yourself at home. We’ll celebrate when I’m back.

His rambling reassures me that I’m not the only nervous one.

Me:

Thank you. I’m sure everything will go smoothly. Don’t worry.

Ryan:

I just hate that I won’t be there.

Me:

It’ll be fine, I promise. You just focus on winning your away games, and I’ll see you when you’re home.

Ryan:

Yeah, okay. I can’t wait to come home to you.

Me:

I’ll be waiting with bells on.

Ryan:

Now there’s a visual I can get behind.

That’s what he said lol… get it?

Me:

Have we reached the point in our friendship where making sex jokes is appropriate?

Ryan:

Oh baby, we’ve been there.

I run my hands down my denim shorts, trying to dry my sweaty palms, unable to stop myself from overanalyzing his words. We’ve always been playful with each other, but after the kiss , our banter has a much different effect. I thought I got this physical response to him under control years ago, but apparently, one kiss was all it took to short-circuit my brain.

“Hannah, you can’t be serious,” my mother screeches, bursting into my childhood bedroom without knocking. Her eyes immediately land on the half-packed boxes scattered around. I already know what’s coming, but still, I’m half relieved for the interruption to my thoughts.

To say she’s not happy is an understatement. This is the sixth conversation we’ve had in as many days. My flight is tomorrow morning, yet she’s still trying to convince me that leaving—and, more importantly, moving in with Ryan—is a mistake.

Of course, it’s the wrong decision, according to her. It’s the first decision I’ve made for myself and only for myself in… I can’t even remember how long.

My mother has had a template for my life: go to college, find a nice man, settle down, and support that man, just like her. I don’t think she saw the twist of the man leaving me; to be fair, neither did I. But while I’ve accepted it and recognized the flaws in her logic, she’s yet to come to terms with it. No matter how many times we have this conversation, she refuses to abandon her crusade.

“What do you think Jace is going to think about you living with Ryan? I think moving in pushes even his tolerance for your friendship,” she continues.

I keep going through my clothes, sorting them into keep and donate piles. “It doesn’t matter what Jace thinks because he’s no longer a part of my life. When are you going to accept this?” I try to keep my tone even, but I’m not doing a great job.

She resumes pacing the length of the room. “Hannah, he called me and told me how you didn’t want to talk to him at the event and that you’ve been ignoring his calls. Why don’t you at least hear what he has to say?”

I haven’t been ignoring them, I just haven’t gotten them since I blocked his number. I take a deep breath and try to reason with her, even though I know it’s a lost cause. “I know you thought things were going to go differently. So did I. But things change. I’m moving on. You should, too.”

Clearly not liking that answer, she leaves the room with a huff. Escaping my mother is definitely a perk of moving to Chicago.

I can only imagine what Jace told her, but honestly? I’m not sure I even really care anymore. I’m no longer willing to be the supporting character in my own life, molding myself to fit into someone else’s world. Not anymore.

Stepping out of the rideshare, I glance up at the brownstone and wonder if I’m in the right place. It looks more suited for a family of six than just Ryan and me. I’m momentarily speechless, taking it all in. The three-story, brick-clad beauty is nestled on a tree-lined street in Lincoln Park.

“You must be Hannah,” a peppy brunette greets me. I was so caught up in the sight of my new home that I hadn’t noticed the woman sitting on the steps, waiting for me. She places a keychain in my hand before turning and heading off down the street. As I slide the key into the lock, I notice a cluster of small charms on the ring, each representing one of my favorite things: a palm tree, a paw print, a music note, a teacup, and a heart. Even from states away, Ryan manages to make my welcome memorable.

The front door clicks open into the foyer. To my right, a sweeping oval staircase spirals up to the third floor. I glance up, the warmth of sunlight streams down from the skylight above. To my left is a formal living room, and through an arched opening, I spot a large dining room that connects to the kitchen. Rich walnut cabinets with deep green countertops, maybe soapstone, feel smooth under my palm. There’s a huge island in the middle with seating on one side. A set of French doors leads to a back patio between the kitchen and a cozy family room, complete with a fireplace, gigantic television, and oversized sectional. The whole space feels warm and inviting, so perfect that I want to pinch myself to make sure it’s real.

How the heck did he furnish this place in less than a week?

I head up the stairs in search of my bedroom. On the second floor, I find a home gym, an office, and two guest rooms. Unsure which one is mine, I continue to the top floor. Standing at the banister, I can see down to the first level. There are only two doors up here, one at each end of the hallway. My eyes catch on a piece of paper taped to the door at the far end.

Hannah, I thought you’d like this one best

I push the door open. Like is an understatement—this is the room of my dreams.

It’s massive, with a four-poster bed centered on one wall and a gas fireplace across from it that turns on with the flick of a switch. Behind the fireplace is a marble bathroom with a huge soaking tub and a walk-in shower. The closet is the size of my old bedroom. If this is mine, I can’t even imagine how nice Ryan’s room must be.

This whole place is on another level and completely unexpected. I only visited his old apartment once, and it was nothing like this. Why on earth does he need something so grand? Not that I’m complaining, but this place feels like it’s meant for a family of six, not a bachelor.

I wander back into the room, checking out the terrace, which overlooks the backyard and garage. Once it’s not freezing outside, I can picture myself up here with a cup of tea or a good book. With a yawn, I make my way to the bed and run my fingers over the soft sheets. It’s only four, but after a day of traveling, I can’t help but hop into bed. I’ll just lay down for a minute. My hand lands on a piece of paper as I spread my arms across the mattress. I grab it and hold it overhead, realizing it’s a paper plane. Ryan must’ve left it for me, and the thought makes me smile. The last thing I remember before drifting off to sleep are thoughts of honey-brown eyes with flecks of green.

When I wake, the room is dark, and an incessant buzzing fills the otherwise quiet space. The glow from my phone is the only light, leaving me disoriented as I swipe the screen. My eyes are still too heavy with sleep to make out the caller ID, but I assume it’s Ryan checking in.

“How’d moving in with your boo go?” Natalie greets, which I’m not disappointed by.

I told him I needed some space after the kiss, and God knows I’ve been awkward, but not hearing from him today leaves a funny feeling in my chest.

“Hey, Nat.” I sit up in bed and switch on the nightstand light, blinking against the sudden brightness. “You will not believe this place?—”

“Oh, I’ve seen it. I knew you’d love it,” she says, her voice bubbling with excitement.

She’s seen the place? How is that even possible? Ryan just moved in, and neither of them mentioned she was in town. As a traveling nurse, it’s not unusual for her to move around, but still. I know she stayed with him two years ago during a quick job in Chicago, but as far as I know, she’s been working in Minnesota.

“Oh, really? You’ve been here?” I stand and pace the room.

Back in college, Natalie and Ryan had a thing. I don’t think it was serious; she’s not really the type to do serious, but I know they hooked up at least once after I first introduced them. The thin walls of our dorm suite made that pretty obvious. I never brought it up, and they never mentioned it either, but I know what I heard and still remember the sour feeling it left in my stomach.

“No, I saw pictures. He sent them to me when he was looking at places. But I’m hoping to see it in person soon. I’ll be in town in a couple of weeks for a networking event at Chicago General. Was thinking I could stay with you guys for a couple of days?”

“Yeah, that’d be cool. I’ll just check with Ryan first, since it’s his place.”

“Awesome! So, how was All-Star Weekend? Did you see Jace?” she asks, and though I’m grateful for the change of subject, this is another one I don’t really want to think about.

“Yeah, I saw him. It was… fine,” I mumble.

Her returning laugh tells me I’m not getting off the hook that easily. “C’mon, Hannah. Spill it. What happened?”

I sigh, sinking onto the bed, and tell her about the run-in, giving the ring back, and the confrontation that followed.

“Ouch.” Her voice is softer when she asks, “How do you feel about it all?”

I take a deep breath, staring at the ceiling. “Honestly? Relieved, I think. It’s funny how something can feel final and freeing, yet still hurt at the same time.”

“Well, maybe this was the closure you needed to properly move on?”

“Yeah, I hope so.” I hesitate, unsure if I want to share what’s really on my mind. “Looking back on my relationship, I can see how I ignored a lot red flags I should’ve paid attention to. People say ignorance is bliss, but I think ignorance is just complacency. I clung to the image of our future, of who I wanted him to be, and of who I thought I’d eventually become. But now I realize that none of it would have worked.”

“Yeah, I get it… Well, I don’t get it, but I can imagine getting it.”

I can’t help but laugh. “I can’t wait for the day you’re in a relationship.”

“Take that back right now! I can’t have that energy out in the universe.” Her voice is full of horror.

We chat more about her next job and her plans for visiting, and after hanging up, I check the time on my phone. I slept much longer than I planned, yet I’m still exhausted. Unpacking is definitely out of the question.

Ryan’s game should be wrapping up, so I shoot him a text, a little surprised not to already have one waiting from him. You asked him for space , I remind myself.

Me:

I missed your game. Did you win?

Ryan:

Of course we did. We played against San Jose lol

Did everything go smoothly today?

Me:

Yep! This place is incredible, Ry, and this bed…

There’s room for at least five people.

I quickly snap a selfie, the white fluffy comforter pulled up to my nose, and try to capture all the open space.

Ryan:

I’m not sure I like the idea of you in bed with four other people.

Me:

Not even if you’re one of them?

Ryan:

Uh, yeah. No, not even then. Sorry.

A smile lifts my cheeks, but it’s quickly followed by a yawn.

Me:

You’re no fun lol

Night.

Ryan:

Sweet dreams, Sunshine.