Page 15

~Justin

Gabe is on the terrace, talking on the phone. I see he finished his coffee so I got out to collect the cup and hear some of his conversation.

”It”s not a good time. I”m swamped,” Gabe says to someone on the phone but his tone is mild. He then sighs. ”Fine. Tonight. I”ll be there. What? I”ll see.”

Noticing that I”m eavesdropping, he comes over but then just stares past me at the view. ”You have plans?” I ask so I”m not just staring at his chiseled jaw or the blue of his eyes.

”We both do,” he says. ”The price for my mother not coming over here.”

”What”s this plan?” I ask and don”t hide that I already don”t like the sound of it. If the plan involves his mom, it might involve my dad too.

”Dinner with my mom and your dad,” he says.

”So am I working overtime?” I ask.

”Yes,” Gabe says.

I decide not to fight him on it, but I ask, ”If you hate having people over, why am I here?”

He stares at me like he”s considering if he wants to tell me the real reason. That scares me. I don”t really want the truth. Finally he looks away from me and just gives a vague, meaningless answer. ”I need something.”

I scoff. ”What? A plaything?” I don”t know why I”m pushing him when I don”t want to hear the truth.

”A distraction,” he says. He”s staring into the distance. ”There”s the youth center to build. It meant a lot to my brother and I can”t leave it undone. I want it finished as quickly as possible, that where Royce comes in. He has ways of getting things to move along faster. Afterward I”ll probably go somewhere where I can be alone, grieve him properly.”

I frown, hating the idea of him being alone and in pain. I bite my lip so I won”t say anything. What would I say anyway? Please take me with you? My thinking doesn”t make any sense to me any more.

I feel like I”m living someone else”s life, every night dreaming someone else”s dreams. Even my own body doesn”t seem like my own, it wants Gabe, gets hard for him, shudders at every thought of him. Even now standing too close to him stirs my longing.

I would let Gabe do whatever he wants to me, not that he”s all over me all the time. He stays away from me, only kisses me or touches me sometimes like he wants to drive me out of my mind waiting for next time.

By the time Gabe is driving me to the mansion where my father and his mother live, I”m sure I”ve gone crazy. Why did I agree to come? Now I”m ready to jump out of the car and run off.

”You”re on edge,” Gabe notices. ”We”ll eat then we”ll leave. Believe me, I don”t want to linger at a family dinner any more than you do.”

I doubt he”ll hate it as much as I will, plus it”s going to be weird to be around our parents now that we”re fucking.

Christie, Gabe”s mother, is welcoming, beaming at Gabe and me. I”m worried she”s going to hug me, but she restrains herself and only gives a quick hug to Gabe then sighs like she didn”t want to let him go. I feel bad that Gabe seems so standoffish with her.

My father greets me coldly, the opposite of the kind of feelings Gabe”s mom is radiating, and not only toward Gabe. She”s thanking me for being here and thanking Gabe for bringing me.

The actual dinner isn”t so bad especially after my dad gets a business call and steps away. I breathe easier but Gabe”s mother isn”t happy he left the table.

Afterward, when my dad still isn”t back, she tells me, ”I”m sorry your father got so busy.”

”I”m not,” I tell her honestly.

Gabe is off taking a business call too and Christie is eying him with disapproval. Then she looks unbearably sad. ”It”s my fault,” she says. ”We used to be closer. But right after Derrick died, I... I was crazed with grief. I told Gabe he was to blame. That it was his fault for only caring about business, for not protecting his brother. I was completely unfair. When I came to my senses, I told Gabe I didn”t mean it, but... You can”t really take back hurting someone like that.”

I can tell she regrets it. ”My guess is that Gabe thinks you were right to blame him. I don”t think he”s holding it against you.”

”That”s even worse,” she says.

”He”s building that youth center for his brother. Maybe that will help him come to terms with things,” I say though I don”t really believe it.

She doubts it too. ”I don”t know. I have your father and of course my work with the arts fund,” she says like she thinks I know all about that. ”But God, sometimes it”s so hard to get through the day. The grief cuts so deep.”

That”s something I do know about. ”I”m sorry,” I tell her.

”I know you lost your mom,” she says and I draw back from her.

I shake my head. I can”t say one word about my mother... I can”t. I can”t hear anything about her either.

Christie is apologizing to me, being so sympathetic, while I”m just trying to hold it together. She tries to touch my arm, and I step back from her again.

”Your stepmother is being kind to you. Show her some appreciation and gratitude,” my father snaps from behind me. ”You worthless...”

Gabe cuts him off. ”That”s enough.” He strides over to me and takes my elbow. ”We”re leaving. Thank you for dinner, Mom.”

I only manage to nod at her and don”t even look at my father. I do see Gabe glaring at him while his mother pleads with my father to leave it alone. The whole time, Gabe”s hand on my arm is what my awareness is focused on and the feeling it gives me. His touch shouldn”t be this comforting.

Back in Gabe”s car, I still feel like I can”t breathe. Gabe doesn”t turn the car on, just lets me sit there for a minute and recover. When I still can”t catch my breath, he rubs my back gently.

”You”re OK,” he tells me.

I want to tell him how wrong he is, that I would never be OK, but he pulls me into his arms and I let myself just breathe him in and forget that everyone and everything else exists.