Page 11

ELEVEN

When they leftWodehouse Abbey just before dawn the next morning, Casper tried to tell himself they weren’t sneaking away to avoid questions and confrontations. He still couldn’t quite wrap his head around what was going on, even though Sawyer had explained the concept of queerbaiting to him. It seemed mad that anyone would accuse Sawyer of not being gay, and that it could blow up on social media the way it had. Sawyer was as gay as….

Casper stopped that thought before it could go anywhere as he watched Sawyer lift their heavy suitcases into the boot of his car. He moved with grace and managed the suitcases easily. His expression was pinched with a frown and his thoughts seemed to be a million miles away.

Casper didn’t usually watch someone, trying to figure out if they looked queer or not, but as he tried to do just that with Sawyer, he realized how futile the whole thing was. There was no such thing as “looking gay”.

Which could very well be why the internet was screaming with questions and debate about Sawyer’s sexuality. He hadn’t given them any clues, and as Casper was starting to learn, the public didn’t like it when a celebrity tried to keep themselves to themselves.

Sawyer closed the boot then glanced up, like he realized Casper was watching him. “Did I do something wrong?” he asked.

Casper smiled, then walked over to stand in front of Sawyer, resting a hand on the side of his face. “No,” he said. “I was just contemplating how handsome you are.”

Sawyer’s tired, troubled expression softened into a smile. “This is why I like you,” he said.

For a moment, the air between them charged. Casper held his breath, wondering if Sawyer would kiss him. He expected to be kissed. Any other man would have snogged him silly just about then.

But Sawyer was different. The kisses they’d shared last night had been powerful and meaningful. There were no empty, throw-away gestures with Sawyer. Everything he did was an act of discovery, as though it were up to the two of them to rewrite the rules of falling in love.

“Let’s get on the road,” Casper said, letting the moment slip away as soon as he felt the pressure of expectation was getting to be too much for Sawyer. He stepped back and headed around to the driver’s side door. “If we make good time, I bet we could stop for a breakfast sandwich somewhere around York.”

“I will never say no to bacon, eggs, and carbs,” Sawyer said, smiling with expectation.

Casper couldn’t help but feel like part of that smile was gratitude for Casper respecting his boundaries and uncertainties. That felt good. There was something growing between the two of them, something with exciting potential, something real. It wasn’t just about respecting Sawyer’s boundaries, it was perfect for Casper as well. In the past, he’d always felt like he was the one scrambling to catch up to whatever man he was dating wanted from him. It was so much nicer to know where he stood and to be comfortable with that place.

The first hour of the drive was quiet. Sawyer was sleepy and nodded off for a few minutes, once Casper was on the main road. When he woke up, he stared out the windshield for a while as the sun lifted above the horizon to their left, spreading soft, yellow light across the coastal view, then he pulled out his mobile and frowned at it for a while as he scrolled through a few things, then typed a bit.

Casper stole a few glances to see if he could figure out what Sawyer was doing, but he needed to keep his attention on the road. He was reasonably certain he knew what Sawyer was up to, especially when Sawyer let out a heavy breath and closed his phone’s screen, then tossed it into the central console between them, as if it had grown too hot for him to touch.

“There. It’s done,” he said, then crossed his arms tightly, like he was hugging himself.

Casper could feel the anxiety rolling off him like it was his own. “Do you want to stop somewhere and maybe go for a walk?”

Sawyer turned to him with a smile. “No, I just need to get back to London as quickly as possible. I’m sure everything will be fine. I just need to meet with Rebecca and get her to handle this so it all blows over.”

“What did you say?” Part of Casper felt bad for being nosey, but he cared about Sawyer, and if there was anything he could do to help, he wanted to do it.

Sawyer shrugged, staring out the windshield again. “I posted on one of my social media accounts that I am gay, thank you very much, but that my private life is my own business.” He squirmed a little, hunching in on himself, then said, “I think I’ll delete all my social media profiles as soon as I get home.”

“Maybe it’s for the best,” Casper said, unable to hide his smile. He dragged his eyes away from the road long enough to say, “I’m proud of you, you know. That can’t have been easy.”

Sawyer’s whole body loosened, but the smile he sent Casper was sad. “That means a lot to me,” he said.

They were silent for what felt like another hour as they made their way around Scarborough and turned west towards York. Sawyer didn’t touch his phone again, but he did turn on the radio, searching around until he found a station that played up-beat pop music.

“You actually listen to this stuff?” Casper asked, making a face, mostly to lighten the mood.

“Of course,” Sawyer replied with exaggerated offense. “What do you listen to?”

“Classical mostly,” Casper answered. “It is the popular music of the eras I know far better than the modern world.”

Sawyer laughed out loud. “You don’t know what you’re missing. Like this one, for example. It’s a big hit.”

He proceeded to sing along with the Ed Sheeran song that happened to be playing.

Casper laughed and shook his head. He actually did know the song, and the next one, and the one after that, but it was far more fun to convince Sawyer he didn’t know a thing about pop music. The little lesson he got in what made a song great and why every other song was Sawyer’s favorite changed the mood of their drive entirely. Sawyer relaxed, and Casper felt like the two of them were getting closer than ever.

They were right on time for their breakfast stop at a service station near York. Casper needed petrol at that point anyhow, and Sawyer offered to pump it while Casper went inside to grab food for them both. It was clear enough to him that Sawyer wasn’t in a mood to be anywhere around people who might recognize him, and Casper completely understood.

“It’s not that I mind telling the world I’m gay,” Sawyer said, almost out of the blue, as he and Casper sat side by side, their legs touching, at one of the picnic tables off to one side of the car park. “It’s just that my parents and brothers are going to see that post.”

“And?” Casper asked, his mouth full of bacon sandwich.

Sawyer sipped his tea sheepishly, then said, “I, um, haven’t come out to them yet.”

Casper nearly choked on the bite he’d just swallowed. “You’re, what, thirty? Thirty-one?”

“Thirty-two,” Sawyer answered, flushing. “And you’d understand why I haven’t come out to them if you’d met them.” He paused and blinked. “Oh, God. You’re going to meet them when you drop me at home.”

Casper thought about saying he didn’t have to go inside when he dropped Sawyer off, but now he felt like he had to see these people who were so important, and damaging, in Sawyer’s life to believe them.

Instead, he took another bite of his sandwich and opted for the safer path. “I think I came out to my parents when I was twelve or something.”

“Really?” Sawyer turned to him in surprise. “That young?”

Casper shrugged. “It seemed obvious to me. It was obvious to my parents, too. I told them, ‘Mum, Dad, I just learned what gay is, and I think that’s me’, and they said, ‘Yes, dear, we know’. That was it. That was the whole thing.”

Sawyer snorted and shook his head. He took another long drink of tea, then said, “You’re lucky they were so understanding. I dread thinking about what’s going to happen when I get home later.”

Casper slipped his arm around Sawyer’s waist and hugged him from the side. Sawyer leaned into the embrace for a moment before straightening so he could finish eating. It was a tiny moment, but it was a good one.

“If you don’t mind my asking, why do you still live at home when you’re?—”

“Oy! Are you Sawyer Kingston?”

Casper’s question was cut short, and almost on instinct, he and Sawyer jumped straight and moved slightly apart as a trio of young people approached them, all carrying bags from the fast food place inside the station.

“Last time I checked,” Sawyer answered, smiling.

Casper found it uncanny how quickly he could snap into character. He hadn’t fully realized that Sawyer had a public persona, or that he’d dropped that persona when the two of them were together, until he saw it back in place again.

“See, I told you,” the woman who was with the two young men said, elbowing the one who hadn’t spoken.

Sawyer stood and wiped his hands on his jeans, stepping around the table like he would shake hands with his fans. But the man who had spoken said, “You’ve got some nerve, pretending to be gay just to get attention.”

“Danny!” the woman hissed. She looked at Sawyer with a strained, but still oddly flirtatious look, and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“I am gay, actually,” Sawyer said, still trying to smile. “I just posted about it.”

“Yeah, to save your arse,” Danny said, crossing his arms.

Casper stood, trying not to panic. Danny was young and probably stupid, but he was also bigger than either Sawyer or him, and if experience had taught him anything, it was to beware of young, angry muscleheads.

“No, I’m actually gay,” Sawyer said, keeping his voice even.

“Really?” the woman said. “Because you don’t seem very gay.”

Casper stepped around the table to be ready in case Sawyer needed him, but the woman’s argument felt the same as his earlier thoughts. He figured the best he could do was to say, “I can assure you, Sawyer is very gay.”

“Who’s he? Your boyfriend?” the other man asked, gesturing to Casper.

Casper and Sawyer exchanged looks. They hadn’t really talked about it. It was a big conversation to have. Casper hated the idea of using something sweet and beautiful that should just be between the two of them to prove something to an idiot, one who might not believe them anyhow.

“See, I told you,” Danny said, turning to the woman. “The whole thing is fake. All of Hollywood and everything on the telly is fake.”

“It’s not fake,” Sawyer said, starting to get upset. “Casper is my—” He turned to Casper, eyebrows raised, like he needed help.

“What we are is none of your business,” Casper said, moving closer to Sawyer and taking his hand. He then ignored the young people to ask, “Are you finished with your breakfast, sweetie? We should get back on the road.”

Sawyer let out a breath and melted into a cozy smile of gratitude. His eyes dropped to Casper’s lips, and again, Casper was certain that, if Sawyer were anyone else, he would have kissed him. But it was so wrong and frustrating that something so special between the two of them should be demanded as some sort of show to prove their feelings in front of an audience.

“I’m ready to go,” Sawyer said, squeezing Casper’s hand.

“Yeah, I bet you are,” the second man said with a smirk.

Casper sent him a withering look as he and Sawyer moved to clean up their rubbish.

“How ’bout a selfie, then?” the woman asked, looking sweetly at Sawyer.

Casper sent Sawyer a look as if to ask whether he really wanted to do this. Sawyer sighed and nodded to him, then turned to the woman. “Sure, love,” he said.

The next minute or so were spent with Sawyer taking selfies with the very people who had accosted him moments before as Casper cleaned up. It grated on Casper’s nerves to a frustrating degree that anyone would assume they had some right to Sawyer’s time and attention, or that they had a right to know things about him.

“It’s the price of what I do, love,” Sawyer said to him in the same slightly fake voice he’d used with the fans once they were back on the road and heading south.

Casper huffed a humorless laugh. “It’s rude and invasive.”

“Of course it is,” Sawyer said, leaning his elbow against the car door and resting his head in his hand. “But I don’t really have much choice in it now, do I.”

Casper sent him a quick look. “Do you?” he asked. “There are plenty of actors who don’t live in the public eye. Tom Hanks, for example.”

Sawyer laughed. “Tom Hanks is one of the most famous and respected actors in the world, and he got his start before social media. I am a virtual nobody on the cusp of becoming a somebody. Social media could make or break me. At this point, it’s probably going to break me,” he added in a sullen mumble.

“You’ll be alright,” Casper said, reaching across and resting his hand on Sawyer’s thigh for a moment before fixing his eyes on the road again.

“I don’t want to talk about me anymore,” Sawyer said with a burst of annoyed energy. “My life is stupid at the moment. I want to hear more about this interview you have, tomorrow, is it?”

“Tomorrow,” Casper said, gripping the steering wheel and feeling nervous about the whole thing all over again. “The fate of everything I want in the world rests on whether one or two stodgy old professors think I’m worthy to teach tomorrow.”

At least Sawyer’s troubles had momentarily caused him to forget how much of his life was at stake.

“You’ll be alright,” Sawyer said, deliberately imitating the way Casper had just said those same words to him.

That made Casper laugh and release some of the tension in his shoulders.

“I mean that, though,” Sawyer went on, settling into a more comfortable position. “You’re one of the most brilliant men I’ve ever known. The way you explained the actual history behind After the War to me was brilliant. Any university worth their salt would fall all over themselves to have you.”

Casper laughed. “You’re just saying that because I let you hold my hand.”

It was an absurd thing to say, but it made both of them smile. The heaviness that had found them at the service station lifted, and they were back in their own, precious, safe bubble with each other again.

The rest of the drive was a little bit wonderful. The only things that mattered, the only things that existed were inside Casper’s car. No one was watching them or judging them, so they could just be themselves. Casper talked more about what he expected from the interview, and Sawyer asked him a few questions that he imagined might come up. Casper appreciated the ability to practice answering them.

They were who they were. They didn’t follow the same rules as the rest of the world for how two men in a relationship should be with each other. The expectations of how a gay relationship was supposed to work didn’t matter when it was just the two of them, enjoying each other for who they were.

So when they reached Finsbury and Sawyer gave final directions to his family’s house, Casper wasn’t expecting Sawyer to say, “We are boyfriends, though, aren’t we?”

Casper was stopped at a light and turned to meet Sawyer’s eyes. His heart was suddenly racing, and he still had the feeling of moving at a mile a minute, even though they were sitting still.

“Yeah, we are,” he said softly, hardly able to believe it himself. His smile widened. “How did that happen?”

“I don’t know,” Sawyer laughed, both of them looking forward again as the light changed and Casper drove on. “It sort of snuck up on us, didn’t it.” He paused, then confessed, “I’ve never had a boyfriend before. I’ve never wanted one. But I do with you. Want to be your boyfriend, that is.”

“I want that, too,” Casper said, turning onto a residential street when Sawyer pointed to it.

“Then boyfriends it is,” Sawyer said. Then he laughed. “God, are we fifteen or something? This is not how men in their thirties should behave.”

“I don’t think age plays into it much,” Casper said, pulling up to the curb in front of a decidedly ordinary, middle-class house. “I think we’ve thrown out the script and we’re just doing what works best for us.”

“I like that,” Sawyer said as Casper turned the car off and twisted to look at him. “I like it a lot.”

“So do I,” Casper smiled at him.

The moment turned suddenly electric as Sawyer leaned over the center console and touched his lips quickly to Casper’s. It was a quick, sweet gesture, but it left Casper feeling like the king of the world.

He wanted to throw his arms around Sawyer, pull him close, and make out with him like there was no tomorrow, but Sawyer already had his hand on his door handle and was leaping out of the car.

It took him a few seconds to catch up to the action and to notice why Sawyer had made it. When Casper saw what was going on, his heart sank to his gut. The front door of the house they’d stopped in front of had been thrown open, and a tough-looking, middle-aged man in an old T-shirt and paint-stained jeans had marched out of the house, bellowing, “There you are, you nasty sod! I should have known!”

Casper scrambled to undo his seatbelt and to get out of the car as Sawyer hurried across the lawn, saying, “Hello, Dad, I know, but can we not do this here?”

The last thing Casper had expected moments after arriving at Sawyer’s house was to be a part of what was looking like a bad coming-out scene.