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Ava

“ Y ou have to eat something,” Aspen says as she drops a bag of gummy worms at my nurse’s station. Her long brown ponytail sways as she makes her way to her chair. She crosses her legs, getting comfortable as she shakes her computer mouse, making the computer screen light back up.

“I have eaten.” Nothing substantial, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. The anxiety in my body is making it impossible to eat. Every time I think about him, it feels like the air gets caught in my lungs, so I try not to. Though that hasn’t been a winning battle.

“You look like you’ve lost ten pounds in the last week.” She angrily points to the bag. I keep eye contact with her as I open the bag and pop a gummy worm into my mouth.

“Happy?” I raise my eyebrows at her, my voice a little snappier than I intended, but I’m tired. I haven’t slept since I moved all my crap out of Maverick’s and started sleeping on Aspen’s couch.

She rolls her brown eyes, taking my attitude in stride. “Not really, but it’s a start. Have you talked to him?”

“No, and I don’t want to.” I turn my chair away from her, hoping she will get the hint.

“ Okay , this is going to be a super fun night shift.” I hear her chair rolling closer to me, and her hand lands back on my chair, causing me to swivel around.

“Are you at least ready to tell me more of what the hell happened?” She flails her hands around.

“I know you need time to process but I haven’t asked at all besides you know, the two other times, and I just am curious how it all went to shit.

” I turn back around, not wanting her to see the tears that prick my eyes at the mere mention of him.

I don’t want to talk about it because nothing has ever hurt quite like that.

He had the choice, and he didn’t choose me.

There aren’t quite enough words to describe how empty that makes me feel.

I was so sure Maverick was my person, and I’ve never been so wrong.

This is why it’s easier just to work and stick to myself. It’s less painful.

“He chose the rodeo,” I say as I stare blankly at my bright computer screen. I’m not sure if it’s the blue light from the computer or the shit storm of the last week, but the dull ache in the back of my head has become more of a pounding headache with every minute that passes.

“What do you mean he chose the rodeo?”

Turning back around, I give in. This is eating me alive, and maybe it won’t if I talk about it. Maybe I'll feel better. “I told him it was me or bull riding, and he picked the massive bull.”

“I know you haven’t been around him long, but that boy would choose rodeo over his own life.” That’s the exact reason I needed him to stop. To choose a life with me over dancing with the grim reaper all the damn time.

“That’s the exact reason I asked him to stop.

I can’t watch him kill himself, Aspen. I’ve lived that.

I’ve done it, and I won’t do it again.” My parents didn’t choose what happened to them, but Mav does.

He has the chance to stay. No one can understand that kind of pain unless you’ve had the front-row seat to watching the ones you love most fade into the other side .

Her eyes soften, and she reaches out for me, grabbing my arm to give it a gentle squeeze. “Maybe give him some time.”

“If he only comes back to me because he can’t rodeo anymore, then he really doesn’t love me at all.

And I deserve to be the first choice. My happiness has been on the back burner my whole life.

I’ve been struggling to just get by, I’m not going to be with someone who doesn’t choose me one hundred percent.

” I want that, no, I need that. The security that comes with someone choosing you so wholly that you never have to question your love.

She nods in understanding as her eyes change, a little anger flickering in them. “You know what? You’re right. I’m kicking him in the shin the next time he shows face at my parents. Actually, I think a strong kick to the balls would get the message across.”

“And hurt more.” It’s the least he deserves for making me hurt. You know, an eye for a sack tap, or something like that.

“That too. You’re amazing and he’s a dumbass. I’m willing to bet my left tit he’ll be coming back to you.” She taps my thigh a couple times before rolling back to her side of the desk.

“Your left tit?” I cock my head. Sometimes, she says things, and I wonder where the hell she came up with them.

She looks over to me. “It’s bigger than my right, so I have more to lose with it.” She says it like it should be common sense, almost annoyed I didn’t get it.

“You are so freaking weird,” I shake my head and laugh, “but I love you.” She’s been the best part of this whole experience. Making friends hasn’t always come easy for me, but she showed up and stuck around, and for me, that means everything.

The radio on the desk beeps "Windy Peaks Community, we have an incoming trauma. Not conscious, pupils are equal and reactive. Airway is clear. Pressures are a bit all over and he’s tachycardic. Prepare for arrival.”

Adrenaline slams through me, quickly turning off our conversation.

Gosh, I hope I don’t freeze up like last time. I can do this. I know I can. It’s not a car accident, but even if it is, I’m ready this time. Ready to give back. Ready to serve.

“You ready?” Aspen gives me a look, she knows exactly why I freaked out last time.

I nod my head. “I..I think so.” I shoot out of my chair, rolling my shoulders. Mentally running through my checklist.

“Good, prepare the room. I’ll page the team.”

I pull back the tan curtain, opening the trauma bay.

I hang a bag of fluids, knowing we are going to use those.

I double-check that all the needed supplies are out and walk over to the cabinet with our PPE and gown up.

I let the adrenaline course through me, making me quicker and sharper, feeding on the rush.

The sound of sirens penetrate past the sliding glass door at the entryway, and I rush to it, finding Aspen slipping on her gown and gloves as the ambulance pulls into the drop-off bay just outside the doors.

The back of the ambulance opens, Aspen rushes toward the patient, and the paramedic hops out the back and starts talking.

“Male, approximately thirty, struck multiple times by a bull. Blunt force trauma. He hasn’t regained consciousness. Vitals are somewhat stable, could be worse.”

“Thank you.” I nod and look down, and my whole world stops. No .

The man I love is lying flat on a gurney. Blood runs down his temple, and his arm is definitely broken. I blink down, trying to wrap my head around it. Nausea rolls deep in my gut from the sharp pain I feel in my heart.

Aspen's voice shakes me out of my moment. “Ava, I am going to need you to hold your shit together. Let's get him inside.” With that, I am back in the action, head on straight. He needs me, and I know I can do this.

“Check his airway,” Aspen says.

The sound of his heartbeat fills the room as Aspen gets him placed on monitors.

Beep..Beep..Beep..Beep .

By the sound of that alone, I know his heart is working too hard. Placing my stethoscope over his lungs, I check both sides. “The right side sounds diminished.” I look over and see Doctor Thomas palpating his belly.

“Get me an ultrasound, and where the fuck is anesthesia and respiratory?” Dr. Thomas says behind me.

I’ve been so wrapped up in what’s in front of me that I didn’t even see him come in.

Trauma shears in hand, Aspen cuts through Maverick’s shirt.

Her hands shake, but her face is steadied with determination.

When his shirt falls off, the sight makes my heart drop.

Bruises are already blooming over him. Everywhere.

He is completely and utterly broken. I take a steadying breath and refocus.

“They’re on their way,” I answer, grateful that Aspen was ahead of that game on that one. I swing the ultrasound machine across the room for the doc to have easier access to it.

Beep.beep.beep.beep.beep .

Fuck, why is his heart rate getting faster? My hands start to shake, and my brain feels cloudy. Fuck. This cannot be happening. I can’t watch this happen. If he would have listened to me, he would have been fine.

Get it together, Ava.

“Abdomen has free fluid, page general, I need them down here now,” the doctor hollers out. The charge nurse dials out on her small, blue Ascom phone. The team works together effortlessly.

Beepbeepbeepbeep.

“Guys, his blood pressure is tanking. We need to find the source of the bleeding right now or we’re going to be in trouble,” I say as I look up to the monitor, seeing his vitals start to crash.

The general surgeon runs in. “Prepare the OR for a laparotomy. I need extra sutures and staples up. How is his neuro exam?”

“Pupils are equal and reactive. Witnesses say the head suffered the least of it. We will get a CT as soon as possible,” Dr. Thomas says without lifting his head from Mav.

“His sats are dropping, guys. We need to intubate,” Dr. Thomas says. Tears fill my eyes. I’ve lived lots of bad days, and I do not need another bad one to contend with the worst day ever. My eyes roam over him, and I can feel my heart breaking.

Standing at his side, I take his hand, allowing myself one moment to break my professional facade. “Maverick Lee Ryder, you cannot leave me. Do you hear me? Everyone leaves me, but you can’t. Please hold on. I love you. Please.” I don’t care who is around.

Aspen pulls me away as anesthesia comes to the head of the bed. “Pushing roc, get me the glidescope.” He works for a few seconds. “I see fog, we are good. Let’s get him up to the OR.”

“Can our hospital handle a trauma like this?” I look over to Aspen, shocked to see the same amount of horror in her eyes I assume is in mine.

She handled this whole thing so well; I know she loves Maverick too.

She was calm and steady until it was finally our chance to hand the baton off.

That’s what this feels like, a race to save Maverick.

“Yes, the OR crew is amazing. That is a world-class surgeon right there. He only moved out here because he thought it would be an easier, quieter job. No one warned him about farm accidents or dumbass boys getting on the back of bulls.” She tries to smile, but it fails to meet her eyes; only one side of her lips moves up.

The charge nurse and an OR nurse wheel Maverick out of the bay and I feel my world crack and splinter.

“What happens if something goes wrong?” Panic grips my throat. It feels too hard to breathe, too hard to think. My breaths come in ragged pants. All I can think of is the worst-case scenario, my life has trained me for that.

Aspen grabs onto me, anchoring me back to reality, and forces me to look at her. “Just like anything else when you’re rural. Stabilize and ship.” Aspen drops my arms and swings her arms around me, holding me for a second. My arms close around her too, holding on to her for dear life.

“I can’t lose him too, Aspen,” I whisper, holding on to her like she is my life raft, keeping me afloat when all I want to do is drown in despair.

“He’ll be okay. He’s tougher than you give him credit for.” Her voice sounds so steady and sure this time that I try and believe her.

I nod my head, wishing it was Maverick holding me instead.

My eyes close, and I let out a silent plea to the universe. Please don’t take him from me.