Page 34 of Someone Like You

Phil’s fingers pressed into his eyes. “Sexually, emotionally, intellectually…” He sighed, burying his face into his hands. “You name it, it’s there.”

A heavy silence descended in the flat. He didn’t dare to look up, ashamed of himself and devoured by guilt. This was how he thanked his saint of a girlfriend for looking after his hapless carcass for two whole years.

Then a frail whisper tore into the silence. “Did you sleep with him?”

“No,” he said with a desolate shake of his head.

“Did you kiss him?”

“No.”

“Are you in love with him?”

The lump in Phil’s throat became a tight knot. The answer was as simple as the previous two, but not as easy to get out. Abby didn’t need it, anyway. His silence was eloquent enough.

“Okay,” she murmured with a voice so thin it was barely audible, eyes filling with tears as she swallowed. “Okay.”

Phil’s heart shattered when he heard the sob. Abby tried to smother it into her hands, but the tears were already streaking her face as small sniffles shook her shoulders.

“Abbs…” He pulled her into his arms, feeling like a monster. “Please, I’m sorry. I don’t—”

“I thought you were spiraling back to where we were one year ago,” Abby wept against his chest. “I thought… thought you were— Oh, god.”

Not without a mild shock, Phil realised those were hiccups of relief . All these weeks, Abby had been mulling in the fear that depression was getting the best of him again, while Phil had been out there playing no homo with Ian.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured against her hair.

“I’m so sorry, I’ve been so selfish to you.

..” She’d tried so many times to get him to open up and he’d always pushed her away like the self-centred moron he was.

“I should’ve told you sooner, but I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I don’t even know how it happened. ”

Abby pulled back and looked up at him with a wet but genuine smile. “You don’t know how you caught feelings for a lovely man?” She playfully swatted his chest. “Lovely and coincidentally smoking hot …”

Phil faltered. Was Abby teasing him?

“I’ve always been straight…”

A forgiving caress brushed down his cheek. “So was your nose, until it had a close encounter with my elbow.”

“Jesus.” Phil spit out an unwitting laugh. Something funny was happening inside him: it was like the million little pieces he’d fought so hard to keep together all this time were spontaneously melting into a whole again. No more bleeding. No more ache.

“Hey.” Abby titled his face up. She swept away the single tear that rolled down his cheek and placed a feathery kiss on his lips. “I’m glad you were honest with me. And with yourself.” A giggle escaped her as she drew back. “Oh my god, can you imagine your parents finding out their son is gay?”

“Not gay ,” said Phil, albeit very intrigued by the idea. Their only son being into men would’ve been a huge humiliation to his parents. He couldn’t wait to tell them. “Bi, I guess? I don’t know. I’m still to you… but not in the same way.”

“Not in the same way you feel attracted to Ian?”

“I’d never have known if I hadn’t met him, but I can feel there’s a difference.

” Phil didn’t know how to explain it, but Abby understood just fine.

She pulled a tissue out of her pocket and blew her nose, then took the cup and poured herself some tea.

After taking a couple of long swigs, she set the cup down and laid her hand back on Phil’s knee.

“You can be attracted to someone romantically but not sexually,” she informed him, pragmatic as ever. “It’s a thing, you know? Perfectly valid.”

It made sense. It resonated with Phil’s feelings. Most of the guilt waned with the realisation nothing about this whole predicament was a choice. It was how he was, who he was… Perhaps some of his an ger and misery came from that neglected part of himself demanding recognition and acceptance.

Phil’s thumb skimmed over the diamond ring on Abby’s hand. “So what happens to us now?”

“You realise we don’t have to get married, right? We can be together without being husband and wife… Leave the door open.”

“Leave the door open…” he echoed pensively. “I like the sound of it.” As he said that, Abby pulled her hand away and made to remove the engagement ring from her finger, but Phil stopped her. “Don’t be ridiculous, it’s yours.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. It’s not like it’d fit any of Ian’s fingers, anyway.”

They laughed at the mental picture the joke evoked. Even Phil’s hands appeared small compared to Ian’s. He pushed the ring back into place, then shyly glanced up. “You seriously aren’t angry?”

“Of course not.” Abby hugged him, rubbing soothing circles into his back. “I don’t feel less loved because you also love him. That’s not how love works.”

Phil melted into her arms, nose buried in her hair, in her sweet, familiar scent. How many partners would have said that?

“So that’s it?” he muttered, half laughing in disbelief. “I tell you I’m in love with a guy and you just… pat on the back, ‘Congratulations, Phil’ ?”

Abby’s grip tightened around him. “My job is to love you, respect you, and support you. I was terrified the depression was getting bad again…” She pulled away to take his face into her hands, dark eyes sparkling. “But no, my silly goose was just moping ’cause he fancies a boy!”

“Oh my god.”

“I’m just so relieved…”

“What do we do now?”

“Do you really love him?”

Phil would’ve loved Ian even if he’d been a character in a book, made of ink and paper, a soul without a body. His quips and taunts, the mischief and the kindness coexisting in his eyes, and those damn dimples at the edge of the beard…

He should’ve probably shown some semblance of doubt, but his response was swift and unflinching: “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“Does he love you?”

“Who the fuck knows? I think so?” Phil let out a little self-conscious laugh. He was positive Ian cared about him and was attracted to him, but he couldn’t fathom the real depth of it, although Ian’s looks and gestures had spoken those three words many, many times. “That man is weird.”

“Have you told him?”

“Yeah. But he was too preoccupied with not disrespecting you to pay attention, I guess.”

“Well, you should tell him again.”

Phil hung his head. “He doesn’t want to see me. Doesn’t want to be the other guy .”

“A real gentleman… No wonder you’re so smitten.” Abby ran a hand through his damp hair, smoothing it back in a slow, calming motion. “Everything’s going to be okay, you’ll see,” she promised. “We’re going to make this right.”

Phil felt like nothing would really be okay again.

Now that he’d come clean with her, he knew he and Abby would be fine as a couple, but he, as an individual, would always be limping from now on.

Without Ian, something would always be missing.