Page 2 of So Lethal (Faith Bold #22)

Special Agent Faith Bold took a deep breath and looked at the impressionist landscape of San Francisco Bay that sat on the room’s bookcase. That allowed her to avoid Dr. Keraya’s eyes. “So I messed up.”

As always, Dr. Keraya waited three seconds before replying in her buttery-smooth voice, “How so?”

“You remember I told you that my partner and I decided to publish the letters that Dr. West’s fangirl wrote to him?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Well, it’s not working. No one’s coming forward. What’s happening instead is that West is once more a celebrity, and I’m once more in the hot seat with the Bureau.”

Dr. Franklin West was Faith’s first therapist. He would have been her best therapist had he not also turned out to be the Copycat Killer, a prolific serial killer and the self-proclaimed disciple of the original Donkey Killer, Jethro Trammell, most famous for having killed Faith’s friend and mentor Jack Preston and nearly Faith as well.

After a grueling manhunt, West had finally been kidnapped and was currently on trial for thirty-two confirmed murders.

But of course, his reign of terror had inspired another copycat, the seemingly even more deranged Messenger Killer, whose “letters” to Faith consisted of horrifically mutilated corpses and messages written in blood.

The Bureau—and Faith herself—now believed that the Messenger was female and a hybristophile obsessed with West.

She had killed three people so far, among them Faith’s boss and one of the most celebrated agents in Bureau history, SAC Grant Monroe. Faith was trying desperately to lure her out into the open so she couldn’t kill anyone else.

“But she hasn’t killed anyone else, has she?”

Dr. Keraya’s question was so in tune with Faith’s own thoughts that Faith had to take a moment to process the question. “No, she hasn’t.”

“Then you haven’t been entirely unsuccessful, have you?”

Faith cracked a smile. “No, I suppose not.” Her smile disappeared a moment later. “But she will. She’s only laying low until people move on. Once everyone’s looking the other way, she’ll strike again.”

Dr. Keraya leaned forward in her chair. “I notice also that you said it was yours and your partner’s idea, yet you said only that you messed up. Why is that?”

Faith stifled the urge to roll her eyes. She really wasn’t good at therapy. It irritated her how therapists had to poke and prod at everything you said. That conversation somehow always led back to the conclusion that Faith disliked herself in some way.

“My mistake was allowing Michael to pursue an idea that I knew wouldn’t work.”

“But it has worked. The Messenger Killer is no longer murdering people. Or do you believe there is another reason for that?”

“No, the public exposure is probably the greatest contributing factor,” Faith admitted, a little reluctantly, “but we still haven’t caught her.”

“And you believe it is entirely your fault?”

“No, I’m just saying that I messed up.”

Dr. Keraya leaned back and crossed her arms. This was a sign that she was preparing for an argument.

“My concern with you, Faith, is that you always take responsibility for everything that happens around you. Your pursuit of the Messenger Killer is a team effort, yet you insist on taking full blame for the fact that she is not in custody yet. You consider yourself responsible for West’s murder of your mentor, the murder of your former Marine colleague, and the beating of your boyfriend.

You believe that you failed to notice him when he was your therapist, and that your failure is the reason he was able to remain at large for so long. ”

“I know it’s not my fault,” Faith replied. “I’m just upset that it happened. It’s frustrating that I didn’t see it for so long.”

Dr. Keraya waggled a finger again. “You see. Once more, you’re upset that it happened, and in the next breath, it’s frustrating that you didn’t see it.”

“Well, it is. It doesn’t mean I think I’m a bad person.”

Dr. Keraya leaned forward and set her notepad on the table in between her chair and Faith’s.

Faith resisted the urge to sigh and roll her eyes.

Whenever Dr. Keraya set her notepad down, she was going to be stubborn and insist on something Faith didn’t want to hear.

She wondered if Dr. Keraya analyzed her physical responses the way Faith analyzed Dr. Keraya’s.

I can psychoanalyze too, doctor, she thought with a brief internal chuckle.

“This is our fifth session, Faith,” Dr. Keraya said.

“In all of our sessions, whenever I try to approach your problem with self-blame, you throw up straw men to avoid the argument. You’re blaming yourself for not catching the Messenger, not saying you’re a bad person.

You’re blaming yourself for West’s elusiveness, not saying you’re a complete failure.

You’re blaming yourself for not being ready to marry your boyfriend, not saying you’re a shitty girlfriend. ”

“I’m not sure I see your point,” Faith replied.

“My point is that you create worse effigies of yourself and say, ‘Well, hey, I’m not that bad.’ In so doing, you are refusing to face your true self-perception.

You might not consider yourself evil, but you carry a great deal of guilt for what you perceive to be failure, and you stubbornly refuse to consider that what you believe to be failure might not actually be failure.

So I have to ask: why do you find self-recrimination so comfortable? ”

Faith didn’t reply right away. How on Earth did they get from her frustrations about the Messenger case to a claim that she despised herself?

She shook her head and clapped her hands together. “I… I mean… Wow. Sorry, I’m really kind of thrown by that question. Um… I’m not… looking for an excuse to hate myself. Is that what you’re asking?”

Dr. Keraya leaned back in her chair. “I’m not suggesting that you hate yourself.

I’m suggesting that you feel more comfortable blaming yourself for things outside of your control than you feel accepting that some things are simply not within your control.

You and your partner cannot control how the Messenger Killer will react to having their love letters with West exposed.

But you blame yourself because they didn’t react the way you wanted them to.

You cannot control how Franklin West behaves, but you blame yourself because he fled justice and murdered your friend. ”

“I don’t… I’m not… I mean, I’m not saying it’s my fault that he’s a murderer. Or that they’re murderers. I just…” Faith sighed and rubbed her temples. “I’m just mad that what I tried didn’t work.”

“But that’s not what you said,” Dr. Keraya insisted. “You said that you messed up.”

“Well, yeah, if I try something, and it doesn’t work, then I messed up. What I tried was the wrong thing to try. What would you say?”

“I would say that what I tried didn’t work.”

Faith threw her hands in the air. “How’s that different?”

“Because when I say that something I tried didn’t work, I acknowledge that my attempt didn’t produce the results I desired. When I say that I messed up, I state that the attempt itself was a mistake.”

“I’m still not following.”

“It is fine to believe that you made an error in judgment, Faith. It is not fine to believe that every time you act and don’t receive the results you desire, it’s due solely to your failure.

Especially when success relies on the actions of other people, actions you cannot control even if you want to. ”

Faith rolled her eyes. “That’s my job, though. I hunt bad guys. It’s my job to know how they think and outthink them so they can’t hurt more people.”

Dr. Keraya sighed. “I will not argue with you any more today. This is a difficult problem to approach, and I admit that I can’t understand the struggles you face as an investigator.

But we will talk more about this. I believe that you carry a lot of misplaced guilt, and I believe it is that guilt that lies at the core of your concerns over your work and your personal relationships. ”

The timer on the table chimed, and Dr. Keraya smiled and said, “In any case, that is the hour, so you escape my probing regardless.”

Faith offered a half-smile in return. That seemed to satisfy Dr. Keraya. The two of them stood, and Dr. Keraya shook Faith’s hand. “I will see you next week. Your homework between now and then is to make a list of things you believe you are guilty of.”

Faith raised an eyebrow. “You want me to work on being less guilty by focusing on everything I feel guilty about.”

“I want you to confront your guilt instead of remaining comfortable with it,” Dr. Keraya countered. “But we will talk more next week. Have a pleasant day.”

“You too.”

Faith left the room and pulled out her phone to call David and let her know she was on her way home.

As she did, a high-pitched whine filled her ears.

She winced and lifted her hands to her ears, shaking her head and trying to figure out where the sound was coming from.

It sounded like the buzz of a power line and drowned out all other sound.

“Miss Bold? Miss Bold?”

The voice seemed to come from far away. Faith looked around and spotted the receptionist looking at her with concern. She shook her head, and the whine slowly subsided.

“Do you want me to call someone?” the receptionist asked.

“What?”

“I asked if you were all right, and you shook your head. Do you need me to call someone?”

“Oh. Oh no, I’m fine. Sorry. Just had a ringing in my ears for a moment.”

“Oh, you should get that checked out,” the receptionist offered helpfully. “My cousin got tinnitus, and he ended up going completely deaf.”

Thanks for that, Faith thought drily. Out loud, she said, “Ah. Well, I’ll make sure to look into it.”

She left the office and called David. The two of them had lived together for the past several months, and Faith was finally getting used to sharing her space with another person. It helped that she was in love with this other person, and it really helped that he looked very good naked.

She wondered what Dr. Keraya would have to say if she knew that Faith was about to go home and jump her boyfriend’s bones to distract herself from the session and the brand-new worry of tinnitus.

Probably something about hiding behind temporary endorphins instead of confronting the core of the issue.

Well, whatever. What was the point of living with a man if she couldn’t treat herself to a few endorphins every now and then?

David answered with his typical cheery demeanor. “Hey hot stuff. How was the session?”

“Wonderful. Dr. Keraya said I should come home and tear your clothes off as soon as possible.”

“Ooh. I think I like her.”

Faith smiled. “Yeah, I figured you’d approve of that.”

“Well, I was going to start dinner, but if you’re fine with takeout, I’ll just get a head start on the clothing removal so we can get down to your prescribed treatment.”

“I’m very much in favor of that.”

“Well, hurry home then. Love you.”

“I love you too.”

She hung up and sighed contentedly. Sure she was shamelessly using David to avoid confronting her emotions, but hey, he was getting something pretty good out of it too.

And anyway, Faith had a whole week to complete her homework. She would be fine taking one night off to do something fun.