Page 7 of Snowy Surprises in the Highlands (Scottish Highland #5)

He shook his head. ‘Don’t ever think that. I’m so sorry I’ve made you feel that way. I would never, ever think I’d made a mistake with you, Bella. You’re my world, don’t you know that?’

‘But you asked me if I had any regrets the day of the engagement party, a party you were eager to hold by the way, and then you’ve been acting strange since then.

Like you’re on autopilot, but not really there.

What else am I supposed to think? You keep dashing off into the station and making excuses to not be in the same room as me.

Then at night you cling to me so tightly that I struggle to breathe.

It’s so confusing. I honestly don’t know what to think any more.

Apart from maybe that you’re trying to figure out how to dump me and you’re racked with guilt for wanting to. ’

‘Come and sit down,’ he said, leading her to the kitchen table. ‘I owe you an explanation.’

‘I think you do,’ she said, her stomach in knots and her whole body shaking.

She sat down and he followed suit, pulling his chair close so he could hold her hand.

‘On the morning of the engagement party I received an email out of the blue. It threw me when I saw the sender and I didn’t read it until the end of the night.

And then I didn’t know what to think or what to say about the news it contained.

So, I just tried to digest it by myself. ’

Panic gripped her. Was he ill and he hadn’t told her? ‘Who was it from?’ She was terrified of the answer.

Harris sighed. ‘My ex, Alba.’

Hearing this deepened her worry. She remembered about Olivia’s brother Kerr’s son and how he’d never known the boy existed until his mother decided to announce it years later. Was this going to be another one of those situations? ‘Oh. I see.’ Her hands trembled in his.

‘It’s not what you’re thinking, I can guarantee that.’

‘What was it then? What did she want? Why was she contacting you after all this time?’

He pulled his lips between his teeth for a moment and then said, ‘She’s going through a very rough patch. An incredibly tough time.’

Bella couldn’t help the twinge of jealousy, even though she had no reason to feel it. ‘But why does that involve you?’ The fear of him announcing a child reared its head again. What would she say? How would she cope?

He squeezed her hand. ‘You have nothing to worry about, trust me, Bella.’

‘Maybe not, but I don’t understand why she felt the need to contact you when you haven’t seen her in years. And isn’t she married?’

He closed his eyes briefly and nodded. ‘She is… But she’s ill. Seriously ill. And her husband couldn’t cope with it, so he left. So now she’s alone, in pain and scared about the future.’

Guilt gripped her insides. ‘Oh. That’s awful.’

He nodded. ‘It is. She’s trying to right some wrongs before…

’ He shook his head and sighed. ‘She seems lonely and she has no idea what will happen next, or how long she has left where she’ll be fully aware of everything, so I guess she’s trying to make amends with people in her life while she still can.

Anyway, she has lots of regrets about us, me and her, I mean.

She was apologising for choosing her career over me and said that she’s regretted it for a very long time.

She said that she knows I would never have done what her husband has.

That I wouldn’t abandon her when she needed me the most. I mean, she’s right.

I would never do that to anyone. Least of all the woman I love.

’ He used present tense and that stung more than Bella cared to acknowledge; did he still love Alba then?

Was she simply second best? But as if realising, he added, ‘I mean I would never do that to you , because you’re the woman I love, Bella. ’

He sat quietly, looking at their joined hands, for a moment, and Bella wondered if he was trying to decide how much to tell her.

He lifted his face again. ‘She warned me off getting married, saying it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

’ Bella silently wondered if this was why he had been distant.

Had her words affected him that much? ‘She said you marry someone who you think you know but you never really know them at all, until push comes to shove and then their true colours wave like a flag. And in her husband’s case, a red one. She asked if I would go and see her.’

Bella lowered her head. She knew what was coming.

He would meet her and realise he still loved her, that he couldn’t leave her to suffer alone, and this would be the end of them.

He and Alba had history. It was understandable that he’d want to go to her in her time of need, wasn’t it? Or was it more than that?

‘Bella, would you look at me?’ She lifted her face and gazed at him through tear-fogged vision.

But she saw the love he had for her in his eyes.

‘I said no. I told her my life is with you. That my future is with you. And that just because her marriage hadn’t worked it didn’t mean mine wouldn’t, because I trust you with my whole heart and I do know you, in spite of what she thinks.

And I said that as bad as I feel for her, dredging up the past would do neither of us any good.

I said I forgave her and was very sorry for what she was going through, and I wished her well. But I said I won’t go.’

Bella allowed the tears to spill over. ‘But do you want to go see her? I would understand if?—’

He leaned closer. ‘No, Bella, I don’t. I’m being completely honest. I just feel sad for her. As I would for anyone in that situation. But what she and I had is over and it’s been over since she left.’ He chewed his lip for a moment. ‘I think… I think it’s made me a little scared, that’s all.’

More tears came and she let them fall freely. ‘Scared of what?’

He reached out and wiped her tears away, smoothing his thumb over the apple of her cheek.

‘Scared of losing you. Scared of what my life would look like if you weren’t in it.

Terrified of you realising that I’m not good enough for you.

’ His voice broke. ‘That’s why I’ve been distant.

It hasn’t been intentional, but I couldn’t get rid of the fear.

I think the things she said had the opposite effect on me than perhaps what she intended.

I kept imagining waking up to find that you’d left.

I’ve lain awake at night trying to convince myself that you won’t go but a voice kept saying but what if she does ? ’

She shook her head and took his face in her hands.

‘Harris, have I ever given you a reason to think I’m unhappy?

’ He shook his head. ‘That’s because you’re the love of my life and you make me so, so happy.

You’re my best friend, Harris. I’d be lost without you.

And believe me when I say I’m not going anywhere. ’

He pulled her to her feet and wrapped his arms around her once more. ‘I’m so glad. Because I don’t know what I’d do. Please forgive me.’

She gripped him just as tightly as he held her. ‘There’s nothing to forgive.’

‘But I’ve been a horrible fiancé these past few days.’

She pulled back and smiled at him. ‘But the rest of the time we’ve been together you’ve been amazing. And now that I know your reasons for these past few days I completely understand. It’s bound to have been a shock for you. But please, promise me…’

He nodded, swiping at his own tears. ‘Anything.’

‘No more secrets, okay?’

He nodded. ‘Agreed. No more secrets. I can’t lose you, Bella.’

‘That won’t happen if I can help it.’