Page 6

“Don’t feed that dog!”

Tanya ignored Gwen, waving the frozen ham bone at the yellow dog trotting up the alley. Seeing the new treat the animal trotted faster.

“Look at him, girl. Look at his face. You want me to say no to that face? He’s starving.”The dog patiently waited for Tanya to hand him the bone, then dropped to the ground and began eating it happily.

“Starving? That mutt is fat as a piglet. ” Gwen gestured with her cigarette. “Kyle said not to feed him.”

“Kyle can go to hell,” said Tanya.

“Well you feed that animal, there’s gonna be more,” Gwen warned. She was seventeen, just three years younger than Tanya, and paranoid of getting fired.

Tanya should have been paranoid, too, considering her position. She lived paycheck to paycheck, all her money going into daycare for Amari, food for Amari, clothes for Amari (that boy stayed growing ), and rent.

With Amari gone she’d been able to save more money than ever. It almost didn’t feel right.

“Rrrr,” said the dog, crunching the bone.

“I guess he is cute,” Gwen admitted. “But if Kyle saw he’d blow his gasket.”

“Gwendolyn, if I see a hungry animal, and there’s food going bad in that nasty-ass freezer, guess what? I’m gonna feed that animal and Kyle can kiss my black ass.”

“You should name him.”

“His name is Dog.” If she named him, he would become hers. And right now she just couldn’t handle the responsibility.

Gwen’s head perked up. “Shit, he’s coming.”

The door opened and a greasy mop of hair appeared in the alley. “Back to work,” sneered Kyle. The weeping pimple on his face suggested what he’d been up to in the bathroom for the past fifteen minutes.

At the sight of his old enemy the dog bolted— still holding the bone. Gwen flushed and put out her cigarette. Tanya planted her feet and looked their manager in the eye. “We can’t breathe in that kitchen. You were supposed to clean out the vents a month ago. We’re suffocating in there!”

“I can breathe just fine, Tanya. You’re on the clock, remember? And I ought to poison that cur.” He watched the animal race off down the alley, his eyes glinting with evil ideas.

“Tanya’s right about the vents,” Gwen broke in. “Mrs. Laura told you to fix them six months ago. I heard her say so loud and clear.”

“He took that lady’s money and did nothing,” said Tanya. “I bet Mrs. Laura would like to know why the fridge hasn’t been replaced yet, either.”

“Shut your fucking mouth,” Kyle said savagely.

“Come shut it for me,” Tanya said, squaring up with Kyle so fast he took a step back.

“One more word and you’re fired,” sputtered Kyle.

“Yeah, I’m so scared. Come on, Gwen. It smells like cheap deodorant out here.”

She practically dragged Gwen inside.

“Holy crickets, Tanya,” Gwen squeaked. “Are you okay?”

“No,” said Tanya, blinking back sudden tears. They returned to the stifling heat of the kitchen. To calm down Tanya repeated the mantra that someday she would be rich, driving a nice car to her five-bedroom house in Belle Hills, while Kyle would still be bullying teenagers in this dumpy restaurant. She’d have Amari back, and they’d go to Disneyworld, and maybe in between all that she’d meet a good man who was kind and loving and protective of her and her son.

“I hate him so much. He’s such a creep!”

“Talk about it,” Tanya agreed wearily.

“If I didn’t need this job…” Gwen sighed. She came from a bad family in town. Only the desperate would hire the daughter of a local troublemaker who was doing five years upstate for breeding lion cubs.

“I just hate the way he looks at me. You know?” Gwen shook her head. “And you know I heard he used to date a thirteen year old? That was like, last year. ”

“I need to wash my hands,” Tanya said. “Touching all over that dog.”

“I need to wash my eyes, looking at that thing on Kyle’s face.”

Their giggling stopped when they reached the back kitchen doors. Tanya’s nose twitched. “Ugh! Something’s burning!”

“I smell it too,” gagged Gwen. The ladies stared at each other then shouted at the same time, “Rory!”

Tanya shoved open the kitchen door…and gasped. Gwen screamed.

“Help!” howled the new line cook, backing up and nearly knocking Tanya down to get away from the pillar of flame leaping up from the grill. The fire raged nearly to the ceiling. “Tanya, I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean it!”

“Put that shit down!” Tanya snatched the bucket of water from the teenager’s hand.

In two steps she had thrown the water in the sink, hauled the fire extinguisher off the wall and jerked out the release pin. The blast covered the grill in a thick white cloud, quenching the fire and everything else it touched.

Tanya beat out the rest of the stray flames with a dirty towel, holding her apron over her nose and mouth. From the corner of her eye she saw a mouse dive for cover under the fridge. She hoped the roaches didn’t mind.

“Rory, you can’t put out grease with water, dumb fuck!” Gwen hollered pointlessly.

“S-sorry…I forgot about the f-fire extinguisher. Aw, shit…”

Rory stumbled past them to the bathrooms and a moment later came the sound of puking.

“Jesus, he scared the paint off me,” Gwen was shaking. “I thought he was a goner.”

“Me too.” Tanya remembered the scar on Mister Bailey’s face. Rory had come close to getting one to match. Tanya began to mop up the slimy mixture coating the grill. Luckily it was a slow day. As she went to get another bucket Kyle came in and bore down on the culprit.

“You useless jackass!” He shoved Rory into the shelving, sending steel cups and forks and knives clattering all over the floor.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Rory pleaded. “Please don’t fire me, Kyle. I’m too dumb to get another job.”

“I know it! Clean this fucking mess up!”

Tanya threw down the dirty rag and washed her hands. Then she went back out to Kyle.

“What do you want this time, sweet cakes?”

“This place needs more hands and you know it,” Tanya declared. It’s a mess. It ain’t right to be feeding people from that kitchen. Don’t take it out on Rory when you know it’s your fault we don’t have enough staff and the place ain’t clean.”

Kyle chuckled. “Tanya.”

“What?”

“You ever had a white cock in your mouth?”

“You want my fist in yours?”

“I could still fire you,” Kyle threatened.

“You won’t do it. I’m sure Mrs. Laura would like to know about all the money you’ve been stealing!”

Kyle’s eyes darted nervously. “She’ll never believe you.”

“I have proof,” lied Tanya. “I’ve been collecting my evidence for months. So you better watch how you talk to me and everybody else.”

She left him standing there with his mouth open and dipped into the bathroom to wash her hands again. Every time she talked to Kyle she felt like washing her hands.

You need this job. Be careful.

She hated Kyle, and the pay was terrible, but it was better than nothing. And in Florin, better than nothing was a lot. All her efforts to find a new job on the mountain had been in vain. Before Amari disappeared in desperation she’d even considered moving back to Rowanville. But if she went there, she’d be living in the hood with Amari and that was one place she never wanted to end up again. Losing her son to the streets was Tanya’s biggest fear.

But that’s exactly what happened. Just not how I thought it would happen.

Florin was more explicitly segregated than Rowanville and due to systemic racism getting money in Black Florin was like getting blood from a stone. The businesses of Black Florin took up one tiny street with most buildings standing empty as the economy there had limped out of each recession more haggard than before. Most people had packed up and left the mountain for Rowanville, AKA the mousetrap. You went to Rowanville, you never came back.

Half the businesses in Black Florin weren’t even owned by black folks anyway. The buildings were definitely not. And then those buildings were left to crumble as handy tax write-offs, making the problem worse.

What few jobs remained in Black Florin were jealously guarded. Even if you did break in as an outsider— which she was, coming from Rowanville— there was the problem of her gender. Bee had told Tanya point blank, It’s only men owning the businesses here, and a lot of them want employees with benefits. Their old ladies will take one look at your pretty self, and you’ll be fighting ‘em all over some baldheaded man you couldn’t give a straw about.

But was it any better on the white side of town?

Kyle was a creep, and she now knew personally that white men were happy to treat her like an object just the same way all the men in her life had done, starting with Colton.

But forget Colton. Right now she had to keep her head down. Think of nothing but finding Amari. And don’t get fired. She had to get the money to that private investigator by tomorrow, or any prayer of learning what happened to her son would be gone. Her ad in the paper had cost six months of savings, and nothing came of it except a creepy man calling to ask if she wanted to get pregnant again.

Speaking of pregnant…

I got to take that pill and get a test. How the hell am I getting down to Rowanville by tomorrow?

She clutched her stomach. This was the last thing she needed. The thought of that white bastard’s seed inside her taking root made her want to throw up like Rory.

And speaking of puke.

Before she washed her face, she had to scrub Rory’s vomit out of the sink since he hadn’t bothered to do it himself. What kind of knucklehead throws up in a sink when the toilet is right there? It’s almost nine o’ clock…Six hours until I go home. Then get up and do this all over again tomorrow.

As she washed her hands she took a quick look at herself.

The mirror showed a dark-skinned woman with large and lonely eyes.

Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Just keep it moving and think of tomorrow.

She turned away from her reflection, self-consciously patting down the wild tufts of hair escaping her tight bun. She looked nothing like the girl that had sat up at a honky tonk bar just yesterday night.

“Tanya, table four needs water,” Gwen called through the door.

“I’m on it, baby.” Six more hours.

Tanya washed her hands again before getting the water. She washed her hands so often her skin was getting ashy.

Where is Amari right now? Is he safe? Does he miss me?

“Excuse me,” an all-too-familiar voice drawled at the bar. “Does a woman named Tanya work here?”

Icy water slopped on Tanya’s shoes as she halted in her tracks.

No. It can’t be.

She couldn’t breathe.

How did he find me?

“Tanya? What’s wrong?”

She shoved the tray into Gwen’s hands and started fumbling with her apron ties. “I got to go.”

“Is it Amari? Is he sick?”

Tanya hadn’t told anybody at work about her missing son, and they were all under fifty so nobody had seen her ad in the paper. She pushed the wadded-up apron at Gwen. “I need to leave right now. I am so sorry.”

“Is it that man?” said Gwen, who could think fast when the moment called. “You know him or something?” She took one look at Tanya’s petrified face and hurried her friend towards the doors. “Nevermind– run out back, I’ll cover for you.”

“Thank you, baby. I’m sorry. I’ll–- I have to–”

“Go,” Gwen hissed. “He’s coming back here!”

Tanya fled.

The next day was Tanya’s day off. The dream of a tall man laying over her, moving inside her, melted back into the night as the sun coming through the broken blinds woke her. A different heaviness replaced the phantom man’s weight. It was the sixteen-ton load of another day with Amari gone.

She closed her eyes, fighting the overpowering desire to go back to bed. How can I get up and act like he’s not gone? Like I have it together?

Just a month ago she might have woken up to find Amari had climbed into bed with her. Ma, I was scared.

He’d been in that stage where he followed her everywhere. He hated being alone. Tanya was rough on him in the beginning. You need to stay in your own bed. You got to be a big boy. Nothing is chasing you, it was just a dream!

She always wondered if she was being too soft, and then when she saw his trembling face she wondered if she was going too strong. Being a single mom was hard, feeling like she had to be both mom and dad. In the end she couldn’t bring herself to send him back to his room. She let him sleep, and in the morning she told him not to do it again, but every night he’d be right back, curled up next to her. And really she didn’t mind, because he was her whole world.

She let herself pretend Amari was sleeping next to her now. That she’d open her eyes and find him there. He’d curl up closer, putting his feet on her back to get them warm.

But he wasn’t there.

Amari was gone.

Gone.

Her desire to sleep evaporated. She felt like things were crawling on her. God, how could you take that sweet baby from me? She went to Amari’s bedroom, separated from hers by a small door. She ate her breakfast in there– just a cup of tea and a piece of toast– while staring blindly at Amari’s little bed, his stuffed elephant, and his tiny shelf she had just started filling up with storybooks from the church sales.

Tears filled her eyes but she didn’t let them fall. If she cried for Amari, it meant she had given up. She couldn’t eat more than a couple bites so she put the plate and cup down and climbed into Amari’s tiny bed. It still smelled like the hair tonic she had braided up his curly hair with. The last time she’d seen him, she handed him off to her mother and hugged him tight, smelling his head. Love you, Amari.

Love you mommy.

Tanya’s phone rang. She pulled it towards her, her arms feeling like lead weights.

Bee. Tanya had a bad feeling as she hit ANSWER.

“Tanya?”

Bee was whispering. Not good.

“Hey mama what’s cracking?”

“Tanya, I can’t take you down to Rowanville today.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry. Durk got back early and -–”

“Slow down, Bee. What are you saying?”

“I just can’t take you anymore. I’m so sorry. I don’t even have the car today. He left with it.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Tanya said, sitting up. What am I supposed to do now? But she was more concerned for her friend. “Did he hurt you?”

“I wish you hadn’t given me that money back,” Bee said. “I wish you had taken it!”

“Just tell me what happened.”

“Durk found out I took money off his account. He thought I was taking money to leave him.” Tanya heard her friend’s labored breathing, like Bee was fighting back pain. “At least if you’d taken the money like I meant, I would have got whupped for a reason!” Bee cried.

Oh shit.

“That man put hands on you? He’s dead meat.”

“He just left. I don’t know where he went. Tanya, I’m so scared!”

“I can be there in thirty minutes,” Tanya said, going into the kitchen. For the hundred millionth time in her life she wished she had a car. Or even a bike! Something!

“He got a gun or what?” she asked Bee.

“Yeah, but I took the bullets out.” Next Bee seemed to check herself. She said, “I’m sorry– I can’t be bothering you with this.”

“You ain’t bothering nothing…Lord, where the fuck are my keys?”

“Don’t come over here,” Bee said, getting control over herself and withdrawing like she always did. “I was wrong to tell you all of that. Don’t get up in this mess. You need to go down and take that pill, don’t you? And you need to see that man about Amari. So don’t bother with me. I’ll be fine– I just wanted to explain why I couldn’t come.”

“Bee, for the last time just leave that man. Just walk out of the house, don’t take nothing but your documents, and come over here. Cut through the trees– you know the way, ‘cause I showed you. And if that evil son of a bitch tries to break down my door after you, guess what? I’ll put some holes in his motherfucking ass! You don’t need to stay and wait for him to chop your neck! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I can’t, Tanya! I just can’t!”

“WHY?”

Bee hung up.

Tanya called her back three times to no avail. Then she leaned over the sink, stressed as fuck. She didn’t know what to do. It was either go help her best friend who didn’t want her help, or go down to Rowanville and handle her business. And for that she needed an early start because sometimes it took three hours to hitch a ride down the mountain, besides the fact that taking a bus through Rowanville was a nightmare.

Have it your way, Bee.

She made the selfish choice. Praying that she wasn’t making a big mistake, she washed up and got dressed double-quick, then started out on the long walk to the main road instead of the turn to Bee’s house.

Thankfully it took only thirty minutes to get a ride. Ben Simpson who owned the chicken joint in Black Florin was headed to Rowanville. Ben was a good character and known in Black Florin for his kindness. The white van labeled Ben’s Hot Chicken pulled over for Tanya, who climbed aboard and sank gratefully into the seat.

“Thank you, Mister Simpson. I don’t know for how much longer I could have stood there,” she said wearily.

“No problem, lil’ Tanya. You know I used to know your daddy? Amos Weaver. I always meant to ask you how come you didn’t raise up here?” Ben Simpson asked, giving her a side eye. “I thought Amos would have brought you up with his people, seeing he was so close with his family.”

“His family didn’t like my Mama,” Tanya explained.

“Remind me who’s your Mama?”

“Her name is Cyrie. Could you drop me off at the drug store, please?”

“You got it— it’s on my way.”

They listened to the radio on the way down. The lottery was now at nine hundred million dollars. Tanya couldn’t wrap her head around all that money. What would she do with nine hundred million dollars?

Find Amari.

Then go to Miami. Or Jamaica.

She was lightheaded from eating so little, and could barely keep up small talk with Mister Simpson. He apologized for not being able to offer her a job at his chicken joint and offered to put a word in with his friend who was starting up a small grocery store.

Tanya thanked him but she wasn’t sure. She sometimes made tips at Appletree. That was alright. And she knew Gwen and Rory, and she liked them. What if she went to a new spot and it was trash?

Well, she couldn’t stay at the Appletree forever…right?

Mr. Simpson dropped her off and asked when she was planning to go back up the mountain. Tanya declined his help even though she had no idea yet how she was getting back up to Florin. She didn’t like to trespass on other folks’ kindness. Maybe that was how Bee felt. It was a hard thing to have nobody to rely on. You never wanted to ask too much from anybody. There was pride, of course, and there was the fact that nothing lost you friends quicker than asking for a handout. Tanya would have helped anyone in need, but like many kindhearted people she would have rather swallowed pins than put anybody out of the way for her.

Mr. Simpson drove off, and with some relief Tanya walked into the drug store. The situation had been weighing on her mind. The last thing she needed was a baby by Mister Bailey’s crazy ass. She speed-walked to the family planning section…

And found it empty.

Empty-empty.

There wasn’t even a condom in sight. The tags were still on the displays, but it was all gone. Not so much as a pregnancy test left.

This couldn’t be right. One of the workers was passing by and Tanya stopped her. “Miss, where’s all the stuff?”

“Huh?”

“The stuff . You know, the condoms and all that,” she whispered. “Do y’all have more in the back?”

“No,” said the young lady. “Don’t you watch the news? Like, they pulled all the family planning stuff because of — something about the government. I don’t know.”

“That can’t be right. Could you check the back for me?”

The girl shrugged. “Ain’t nothing in the back. I was just there.”

“I don’t believe this.” Tanya rubbed her eyes. “This is just crazy.”

“That’s why I’m glad to be a lesbian,” The girl sighed, then plodded on to the next aisle.

It was ten o’ clock. Before Tanya went across the river to hunt for the pill— any pill, at this point— she had to stop at the Private Investigator. After all, paying the PI was the whole reason she’d gone to the Turnkey…

That man.

Bailey.

Every time she thought about him, a mix of confusion and anger overwhelmed her.

Confusion, anger… and something else.

Still a newcomer to Florin, Tanya knew about the McCall family from Gwen’s gossip and vague whispers that crossed her way now and then like seeds on the wind. Only later did she put together who this person was.

He’d come after her with the hunger of a wolf.

Mr. Bailey’s hands had been strong, powerful and rough. He was so damned tall she got dizzy looking up at him. Go home to your son. His compassion had touched her…until he turned on her like an angry bear, his eyes bright and insane in his scarred, ugly face.

But she was attracted to him deeply. He smelled so good. He felt so good. Before those bad men pulled up, he’d been almost sweet, and she sensed he was fighting some deep inner pain nearly as bad as her own. And it had been so easy to wrap her arms around him and pull him close, throw her self control and caution to the wind and just indulge in a wild passion that could make her forget, even for an hour, the grim reality of life. When he’d laid her down in the bed of his truck and pushed inside her, Tanya had felt his whole body tense up. Oh, darlin’...

“Yes,” she had whispered, running her hands through his thick hair. Yes, she thought, come to me baby, let me give you what you need. His great powerful muscles tightened. His dick jumped inside her. When he put his teeth together and made that sound…she knew he craved the oblivion of sex the same way she did. But why? What had happened to him? The scars on his face held an answer, she was positive.

It was a mile walk to the office of the Private Investigator from the drug store. Tanya speed-walked the whole way, aware of the time. When she pushed through the doors the lurch in her stomach wasn’t only from the forced exercise. She feared deep down this would be a waste of time. But what choice did she have?

“Mr. Faisal is in a meeting,” the secretary told her blandly. “You can wait here.”

“But I had an appointment with him right at this time,” Tanya said, unable to keep the irritation from her voice. “How can he be in a meeting?”

“You can just wait there.”

“This is so wrong. I’m not even late!”

The secretary made a note of something on her little paper. “Ma’am, you need to sit down.”

Tanya sat, her anger rising. She held her purse close and stared at the wall. She just had to swallow her pride and take this, ‘cause it was the only way she could get to Amari now.

The police? Ha!She hadn’t expected much from them in the first place; she’d grown up in the projects; she knew what it was. But they treated her like a criminal. After grilling Tanya for two hours, even suggesting maybe she had killed her own son , they coldly informed her that after twenty four hours the likelihood of finding Amari alive was less than ten percent.

Well find him dead! Tanya had screamed at them. Do your job!

She would really come to regret that outburst. As soon as she lost her temper they threw her out of the precinct. She heard nothing more from them about Amari, and given the reputation of the East Rowanville PD, she didn’t have much hope.

Give somebody a uniform and a little bit of power, and they would always play a game to see how far they could disrespect somebody who needed their help. Tanya was a strong-willed person not afraid to stand up for herself. But she didn’t have money and connections at her back, and sometimes that made all the difference.

She glared at Mr. Faisal’s door. Took me all this trouble to get here, and I’m exactly on time, but he’s making me wait ‘cause he knows I’m desperate. I hate this disrespect.

It was nearly an hour before the P.I called her into the office. Kiss his ass, Tanya reminded herself, in spite of her annoyance . No attitude. Don’t get hot and bothered ‘cause you know what will happen.

Mr. Faisal was typing away on a sleek new Macbook when Tanya walked in. He barely glanced up.

The office was small and neat as a pin. A photo on the desk showed the P.I with what must have been his wife and daughter. The woman in the picture looked foreign– Arab, or Spanish.

The man himself was a balding middle-aged guy with sleepy eyes . He looked like the kind of person who wouldn’t cross the street to help her.

“Hi, Tonya.”

“Hello sir. It’s Tanya, actually.”

His clothes and shoes were expensive. His watch was, too, but not as much as Mister Bailey’s.

“Do you have the money?”

“Yes,” said Tanya stiffly. “I have your money.”

She handed him the envelope and he counted it all right there.

Tanya stared at the bills in his spidery white hands, remembering what she had done to get them. She had the sinking suspicion she was parting with all this money for nothing. No. No, that’s the fear talking. Stay positive for Amari.

The P.I put the bills back in the envelope.“Five hundred is missing,” he said, his sleepy eyes almost seeing through her. “I believe I told you my deposit is a thousand.”

“I can get the rest for you at the end of this week.”

“That wasn’t what we agreed.”