Page 12

chapter twelve

Crap.

Holy crap, I really didn’t think this thing through.

“Miles, I—”

I shake my head because I don’t want him talking me out of this. I don’t want to miss my chance to see another man’s penis in person, even if that person is my best friend. Ah, hell. I’m about to blow up my entire life, and I’m standing here with a match, wanting to burn it down faster.

Darren’s thumbs fumble with the button on his jeans a few times before he finally gets it unfastened. Once that’s out of the way, he slides the zipper down and tries to shimmy out of his pants, but they’re so skinny around the dang ankle, it’ll be a wonder if he doesn’t trip and crack his skull.

“For goodness’ sake. Be careful. You’ll fall.” I stand and slip out of my shirt, then pace the room, trying to get my nerve up. Darren is about to see me. He’s going to see all of me. Places I’ve kept hidden. Uncharted territory begging to be explored. His arm wraps around me from behind, and it’s enough to ease my troubled mind.

“If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to. It can wait.”

I shake my head. “I don’t think it can. I think I just need to rip the bandage off.” I hold my hand on top of his, pressing his palm even closer to my stomach. “I always knew I would backslide. I knew I wouldn’t last on the straight and narrow.” It’s something I’ve been scared of all my life. Losing the life I’ve built. Losing my relationship with God. “I just hate that I’m dragging you down with me.”

“You’re not,” he whispers, and I’m pretty sure he just kissed my shoulder. It’s sweet. “You’re not dragging me anywhere I didn’t already want to go. I’m crazy about you, Miles. I always have been. If getting you now means burning for eternity, then screw it. Burn me. I don’t care.” His hand twitches against my skin. “Forgive me, Father. I’m definitely about to sin.”

“We’re not Catholic,” I manage through a moan. His statement should have me quaking in my boots, fearful of wayward lightning bolts, but it doesn’t. It just makes blood pump places it probably shouldn’t. I guide Darren’s hand down, my body shaking as I allow my best friend passage into an area he’s only visited overnight. When we reach my bulge, he curls his fingers around me, sighing contentedly.

“I think I’ve missed it as much as I’ve missed sharing this with you.”

The admission leaves me breathless, and when I look over my shoulder at him, my heart flutters. Gosh. It’s like I’m seeing him for the first time. He’s not just my Dare-bear. He’s not just my friend. He’s a man. All man, by the feel of it pressed against my back. Not much of a man, I’d wager, but that’s alright. I don’t mind if Dare doesn’t have a solid foot to work with. I shouldn’t care about a single inch, but all I can do is think about how many inches he’s working with. How those inches would feel in my hand.

Darren says I’m the best—well, only—lover he’s ever had. Then he stopped that side of our relationship. He shut it down to protect my dignity. My boy has been denied the pleasure he deserves.

That ends now.

“On your knees,” I order in a voice I don’t recognize.

Darren slowly moves in front of me and sinks to his knees. He’s got his hands folded against his lap, waiting for Daddy’s instruction. Jesus. It has no right being as erotic as it is. The sight of him kneeling in front of me, craving something only I can provide, is an absolute rush. An adrenaline high like no other. I reach down and drag my thumb against his lower lip.

“Open up for me.” It feels like a million static shocks are popping beneath my skin, and the feeling intensifies when he opens his mouth and shells his tongue around my finger. “Good boy. Alright. Go on, baby. Show me what you’ve got.”

He licks his lips and nods before reaching for my waistband. As he pulls my underwear down, my cock catches on the edge of my boxer-briefs and slaps the side of his mouth. As if he’s been training for this all his life, Darren opens his mouth and pivots to the right, taking me in. His tongue is wet against my shaft, and it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. It isn’t hateful or harsh the way it was with her . There isn’t any unnecessary pressure like when I tried to do stuff with Mal. Darren is his own person, and this is our experience. It mirrors nothing before, because how could it? How could anything compare to his soft mouth around my aching cock? He’s swirling the tip of his tongue around it like his only lot in life is to suck me off. Maybe it is. Maybe God made him special, just for me.

“Look at you,” I whisper, amazed at the sight of him. He’s taking to my cock like a duck to water, lapping and licking at it repeatedly. His cheeks go hollow each time he sucks me to the base, and seeing him like this—watching him dirty himself up for me—makes me ache harder than ever before. “Jesus, Darren.”

He pulls away until his lips are barely covering my cockhead, mumbling, “Good, Daddy?”

I run my fingers through his hair and moan, because, fuck, yes, it’s good. Fuck, yes, it’s perfect. I don’t even swear and Dare’s got me wanting to drop F-bombs left and right. Nothing has ever felt as good as his lips around me.

“Christ, Dare, how did you get so good at this?” I narrow my eyes at him. “Have you been practicing with other men?”

He quickly shakes his head, letting my cock fall from his mouth. “No, sir. I just think of what I want to do to you a lot. Like, all the time.”

A smile settles on my face. “Oh, yeah?”

To prove it, he dives down, swallowing my cock to the base. His lips seem to meld around my skin like we’re connected, and the longer he bobs up and down, the closer he pulls me toward the edge. God. We haven’t even started and I’m already close. I never thought I’d get to have this with another man, much less my best friend. But now, seeing him rocking back and forth, taking me in like communion wine, who else could it ever have been? Who else could I ever want to share this with?

“You’re beautiful this way,” I tell him, because he is. He pulls back until only the head of my cock is right in front of his mouth, all wet and slobbery and just begging to be swallowed. He extends his tongue and licks the underside of my cock, then takes me back into his throat. The entire time he sucks me, he’s got one hand around my shaft, stroking in time with his sucking, and his other is pressed firmly against my stomach like he needs the physical contact to prove this is real. I place my hand on top of his, holding him as close as I can.

Pulling away from my cock, Darren kisses his way up my stomach, smiling adoringly. The tenderness in his gestures makes my heart race even more. Every kiss, every touch, feels like a promise. That I’m his. That I’ve always been his. When he reaches my chest, he takes my nipple between his lips and sucks, holding eye contact with me the entire time. He slides his hand beneath his underwear and strokes, and I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to see anything more in my life than Darren’s penis.

He kisses me, gentler this time, his hand exploring my back before finally settling on my ass. As he squeezes and gropes me like a Christmas ham, my cock swells even harder, leaking evidence of my arousal all over his underwear. I’m grinding against him, needing more of his sweet friction, and his hand slips lower, then between my cheeks, making me cry out as he brushes against my entrance. I’ve never given much thought to which role I would take should I ever engage in homosexual activity, because I never imagined I would. Now, it’s all I can think of. Does Darren want to top me? Would he prefer to bottom? And what work is going to go into making that happen? I imagine he’ll need to clean himself out first, but then, what’s life without risk? Still, I’d prefer not to have to wash my sheets tonight in the event of an accident. I wouldn’t mind the cleanup, but I know it would embarrass my boy, and I can’t have that.

“How is this going to work?” As I rake my fingers through his hair, he finishes standing, and we’re chest to chest. “The sex stuff. I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

He cups my cheek. A small, sweet way of putting me at ease. “I’ve watched enough porn to know the basics.”

I can’t stop myself from giving him a quick pop to the backside. “Bad boy,” I scold. “What have I told you about pornography? It infects the mind. I’ve sent you research. It came from a medical journal.”

He rolls his eyes. “It came from your journal, actually. It was signed with a crucifix above the ‘I’ and everything. And what facts are you talking about? It literally just said, ‘If I catch you watching adult films again, I’m going to make you stand in the corner.’ How is that—in any way—medical fucking research?”

I narrow my eyes at him, because while I do enjoy when he gets feisty and sassy, I don’t care for the backtalk, and I certainly don’t like the way he just dropped the F-bomb, so I pop his butt again. “I ain’t going to tell you again. You’re walking a real thin line right now. Keep walking it and see where it gets you.”

His lip curls into a smirk. “If it leads to your cock in my ass, I’ll walk as long as it takes.”

I swallow, but I can’t swallow down my nerves. Gosh. Okay. Yeah, well, that just about covers it. Darren wants me to top. He’s expecting to ride me like a horse, but I’ve only ever penetrated two people who I can recall. My wife, and her. I don’t remember the times I shared with him, but I kind of wish I did, just so I would know what the heck I’m doing.

“Dare,” I whisper, not wanting to say it any louder because this is a secret I haven’t even discussed with Mal before. “I might not be any good.”

“You’ll be great,” he attempts to reassure me, but it doesn’t do much to ease my worry.

I shake my head. “No, I mean, every time I’m with Mal, I freeze up. My dad, when he found out I was gay, he did something to me. I don’t really want to talk about it, but it’s done a number on me, and I just want you to know if I go blank or freeze on you, it’s not because of you.”

Darren nibbles his lip as he stares at me, trying to put puzzle pieces together in his head, probably. Whatever he’s thinking is forgotten when he leans closer and presses his lips against mine. Instinctively, I open myself up to him, parting my mouth and inviting him in. We work gently against each other, like we’re both scared one wrong move will send the other running. I take his hand and guide it to my shaft, curling his fingers around me.

When he breaks the kiss, I’m blinking dreamily, finally feeling a sense of completeness within me. The kiss alone tells me I never got it wrong. I’m gay as the day I was born, and no amount of reparative therapy is going to change that. I’m gay. That’s okay.

“It’s okay. If you get scared or freak out, or if I go too fast, just tell me to slow down, and I will.”

“Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. I want it to be good for you. Our first time should be something you remember, not something you . . .” Not something you look back on with residual trauma and a silent shame that never truly vanishes. “Just tell me how to make it good for you.” I know it’s not really our first time. Darren’s told me we’ve done stuff together before. It feels like the first time for me though. My first coherent experience with another man. A dream I’ve stuffed down to the very bottom of my soul, locking it away, never to be seen again.

“Do you want to start by sucking me?”

With a shaky breath, I nod and sink to my knees. I don’t know how much he’s packing behind his underwear, but it can’t be a whole lot. Good. I don’t want him to have a yardstick for a penis. What would I even do with all that manhood? It’s not like I can ration it away for leftovers like Sodom and Gomorrah meal prep gone wrong.

I dip my fingers into the waistband of his blue briefs and slowly tug. A tuft of hair peaks over the surface, and seeing my boy is working with a full-on bush makes my own cock throb. I wouldn’t want him shaved clean. I like knowing he’s all man. I press my nose into his pubic hair and inhale deeply, probably looking like a lunatic in the process. I don’t care. They can call me whatever they want, all that matters is getting to smell this new area of Darren I’ve never smelled before. Never seen or touched or tasted before, but just like its scent, I plan to familiarize myself with all those senses. The way his tongue tastes after swallowing my load. How his insides will feel as I drive my cock in and out of him. How he’ll sound when he screams my name. I want to know all of it.

I pull down his underwear, and Darren’s small cock springs out like a jack-in-the-box, sending pre-cum flying, landing on my lower lip. Without thought, I lick my lips clean, upset there wasn’t more to taste. The head of his cock looks wet enough though, so I set my sights on it, leaning in and licking the pre-cum coating his skin.

“Ah, Christ,” I moan, unable to stop myself, because he tastes so damn good. A little salty with just a hint of sweetness and musk. Thin, but a coating texture that lingers after I’ve swallowed. God, it’s just so sensual, taking this part of him into me and staring into his eyes as I take it. No one has ever looked at me the way Darren Matthews does. It’s like I’ve just hung the moon in his honor by simply existing. Like he’s orbiting me, surviving on my love and sunshine.

“It’s so small,” I whisper, licking the head. When I look up at him, he’s scowling.

“Well that’s pretty fucking rude.”

I shake my head, kissing the tip like a precious piece of china I don’t want to break. I kiss up and down the underside, worshiping him the way I worship God.

“It’s the perfect size for you. My little guy and his little—”

“If you finish that sentence,” he warns, his voice firm but peppered with amusement. “The logistics of gay sex will be the last thing you’ll ever worry about.”

A spark of something ignites in me. Mischief, maybe? I’m not sure, but whatever it is, the urge to goad him is strong. I kind of want to crack him with discomfort before putting him back together with my praise. So, that’s what I do. Even though Dare’s got enough length for me to wrap my whole hand around it, I take it between my thumb and index finger and slowly manipulate it, purposefully making it look smaller than it actually is.

“Look at it,” I whisper, feigning awe. “So small. So perfect for me.”

A growl rattles in his throat, but when I look up, he’s got a determined look in his eyes. “It’s big enough to split you open.”

“Probably,” I agree, kissing the head, licking up another bead of pre-cum as it pearls at the tip. “But like you said earlier, I’m going to be the one doing the splitting tonight.” Wanting to give him a show, I wrap my lips around his shaft and suck, my whole body tingling as I taste him. Sensory overload is real, and it’s brutal, because as he thrusts into my mouth, Darren encompasses everything. Anything that isn’t his throbbing erection or his fingers gliding through my hair no longer matters. Just him. Us.

I shell my tongue around the shaft, looking up at him through my lashes. He’s got his eyes squinted so close together, I doubt he can see anything at all.

“I was in the Marines, Dare.”

He’s been biting his bottom lip as I worked his shaft, but the admission has his eyes shooting open. “You were not.”

I nod. “They were looking for a few good men, and so was I.”

“You’ve never tried anything with a guy before. You told me earlier.”

I swallow him until my nose touches his pubes, and when I pull off, I curl my fingers around him, stroking as I stare up at him. “I’ve showered with over one-thousand United States Marines, In all that time, I’ve never seen anyone with a smaller penis than this.” He whimpers, and it isn’t lost on me how easily he goes weak in the knees. I hold him up so he doesn’t fall, but I don’t let go of the grip I’ve got on his cock. “Can you make this little guy come for me, Dare? Can you make it shoot?”

“Miles,” he whimpers. “Miles, it’s so good.”

“I know, baby. Daddy knows what you need.” Even though I don’t want to do it, I stand up and guide him to the bed. “You need me, don’t you? You need me inside you.”

Looking almost feral in the eyes, he lunges up, wrapping his legs around my waist as he buries his face in my neck. “Please? I’ll be so good for you, sir. Just, please? I need you to fuck me.”

I swat his butt again, but not as roughly this time. “Naughty boy.” I lay him on the bed and stare down at the feast before me. God. If I thought Darren looked good with his clothes on, I clearly hadn’t seen the bigger picture, because this picture is perfection. Skin usually covered by clothing is on full display, demanding to be seen. To be idolized. To be praised.

As I lower myself on top of him, our lips lock, and I find myself grinding against his cock, smearing his pre-cum against mine. Lips tangle and teeth crash, and through it all, his hands are everywhere. They’re touching places I don’t remember them ever touching before. Mainly my butt. He seems to have a real infatuation with my backside. That’s okay. I like his too.

Breaking our kiss, I lower myself down until I’m between his knees. Pressing his legs to his chest, I motion for him to hold them up. The action causes his cheeks to spread, and my eyes lock on their prize.

He’s hairless. I don’t know why it surprises me, but it does. Darren’s entire crack is smooth, not a hint of peach fuzz to be found. I kiss down his thighs, taking a brief detour long enough to suck him a few times, practically purring as more pre-cum drips onto my tongue. I work my way lower, kissing his balls, then his taint, until finally arriving at the promised land. His hole is small and pink, and there’s an undeniable urge to run my finger across it, so that’s what I do. I trace a circle with the tip of my finger, loving the sound of Darren’s little whines.

“Miles, please,” he moans. His cock is swollen and it’s taken on an aggressive shade of red. Pre-cum seems to be drizzling out on tap, like his body’s only purpose is to make the stuff. I lean closer and lick his sticky cock clean, then I kiss my way lower, between his cheeks, stopping at his crack. As with my finger earlier, I trace a circle around his rim, then give it a big lick with my flattened tongue, wanting to cover as much space in one go as possible. To my surprise, the taste isn’t unpleasant. It’s natural and raw. Primal, almost.

I lick him endlessly until he’s writhing in a pool of pre-cum and desire. I let a little drool fall onto my finger before pressing it against his hole. “Here it comes, baby.” He bites his lip and nods, his eyes closed, looking more frightened than I’ve ever seen him. I move on him until we’re face to face, our chests touching as I slip my finger inside. “Oh, God. You’re doing so good, Dare. You’re taking my finger so well. Are you okay? Does it hurt?”

He shakes his head, but he doesn’t open his eyes. “It’s good. I just need to get used to it.” While we wait for his body to catch up with his erection, I kiss his neck, sucking long and hard enough to leave a mark. I can worry about the bruising tomorrow, right now, I want to claim my boy. I want to mark him, making him dirty so everyone knows he’s off limits. Darren Matthews is spoken for. He always has been.

“Mine,” I whisper, kissing his jaw.

“Yeah. Yeah, Miles. Yours.”

We spend another ten minutes opening him up for me before disaster strikes and I realize we don’t have any lube in the house. I usually just masturbate dry, trying to get it over as quickly as possible, keeping my mind blank, trying my hardest not to think of other men. If Darren has any, it’ll be back at his house, and I’m not sending him over there again. He may not know it yet, but he’s moving in, and I won’t hear another word on the matter.

Figuring my soul is already damned to Hell for what we’re doing, I throw caution to the wind. Hopping up from bed, I say a prayer to a God who probably isn’t too fond of me at the moment that this all goes well. I grab a small bottle of anointing oil from my writing desk and stare at the bottle.

Doing this will wreck any potential relationship with God in the future. It would be the ultimate slap in the face. Using a tool of spiritual awakening as a means of diving directly into sin probably won’t win me His favor, but then, I’ve never even had it to begin with. All my life, I’ve hurt. Every day I’ve ever lived has been a day lived in quiet, desperate devastation. Now, I’ve got my Dare. I’ve got Dare, and he tells me it’s all going to be fine, so I know it has to be true. He wouldn’t hurt me. He wouldn’t tempt me with his forbidden fruit if he didn’t think that fruit was ripe and ready for plucking.

“I love you, Miles,” he says, pulling me out of my head. I look over my shoulder at him and force a smile.

“I love you too.”

“Are you sure about this?”

I nod, because, yeah, I think I am. My journey into redemption has been nothing but pure agony, and if I’m just going to burn for eternity, I might as well enjoy myself first.

Squeezing the oil into my palm, I coat my cock until it’s nice and shiny. Once I reach the bed, Darren stares at the bottle in my hand, swallowing thickly enough that his Adam’s apple bobs up and down like a fishing lure.

“I don’t know if this stuff is going to burn, but it’s all I’ve got. We don’t have to do anything tonight if you don’t want—”

He shakes his head, silencing me. “I want it. I want you, Miles. I don’t care if it rips me to shreds, just do it. Please?”

I exhale shakily before nodding. Taking my cock in my hand, I aim it at his entrance, then look into his eyes. “If it hurts, tell me. I won’t be happy if I find out you’re suffering just so I can enjoy myself. Pain means pause. Say it.”

“Yeah,” he promises. “Pain means pause. I’ll tell you if it starts to hurt.”

“Good boy,” I praise, slowly sinking in. Mary, mother of everything holy, I’ve never felt anything like this before in my life. Darren’s tight heat grips me like a vise, like my cock was form-fitted for his hole. It’s like learning to walk after crawling around for years. There’s a desire to give into my natural urges and sink all the way in at once, but that would hurt my boy, and I can’t let that happen, so I go slow, gently rocking inch after inch into him.

Once I finally bottom out, I pause, staring down into his eyes as I try to catch my breath. “I’m inside you,” I announce, stunned.

“And you feel so good,” he whimpers, wrapping a hand around his little cock before I slap it away and replace it with my own.

“Careful, baby. You’ve got a little loaded gun that’s ready to go off. You need someone to guide you. Someone to show you how to tend to your dick.” I lick my lips, loving the way he looks like he’s hanging on my every word. “See, a cock this small needs special attention.”

“It’s five-and-a-half inches,” he moans, arching his back, driving his cock into my fist.

“It’s three. At best.”

“It’s five-and-a-fucking-half,” he growls. “I’ll measure it right here, right now if I have to.” He knows I hate that kind of language, and I can tell he knows I might pop him again, because he quickly adds, “Sorry. My mouth got away from me.”

“Good boy,” I praise. “I’m proud of you for owning up to your mistakes. That takes a strong moral compass.” I stare down at him, past his leaking shaft to the place where we’re connected. I pull out of him, only to slowly sink back in once I reach the edge. Each slow thrust is a declaration to my Dare. An unspoken promise that I’m his and he’s mine.

He bites his lip, failing to suppress a moan as he fucks my fist. I increase the speed of my thrusts, gasping each time I reach the end. His insides feel like they’ll never stop going, though, and it makes me wish my cock was even longer than its standard six inches, just so I could see how much more he could take. Because staring at his hole stretching around my cock is like looking at a masterpiece, and I want it to look even better. I wonder if he’d let us bring toys into the mix. His hole would look exquisite, stretching even wider.

“Fuck me,” he whispers, his eyes closed tightly. “I want it harder. Wanna feel you. Every thrust.”

What my boy wants, my boy is going to get.

I increase my thrust speed until the room is filled with the sound of our languid moans and skin slapping against skin. I’m so close I can practically see the finish line, and Darren must see it, too, because his eyes open and lock on mine.

“I think I’m going to come,” he says, sounding amazed by the revelation.

“That’s it, baby. Come for me. Make this pretty little cock explode all over me. Mark me.”

“Oh, fuck!” His head falls back and he tenses like he’s suffering from a full-body charley horse. The sounds he’s making don’t even sound human. They’re feral, like he’s been living in the wilds all his life and this is his first peek at civilization. If I had my way, it would be the only civilization Darren would ever know. Part of me wants to keep him locked in my bedroom at all times. Another part wants to look into elective surgery that would attach him to my hip. I want him with me. Always. No matter what.

“Shit. Dare, I’m about to—I’m gonna come.”

His fingers dig into my ass, and as if he’s trying to give me all the approval I need, he smashes his lips to mine, dragging me across the finish line. When I come, it feels like an explosion. Like a bomb going off inside my boy, covering his insides with sexual shrapnel.

“Mine,” I moan. “Oh, God. Mine, Dare.”

As I lie in his arms, catching my breath and caught up in my feelings, I watch him watching me. He’s trying to put on a brave face, but I can tell he’s scared. He’s probably worried I’m going to have a massive meltdown and kick him out, but that’s not what I want. Ever.

I touch his lips with mine, giving him a gentle reassurance.

“I love you, Dare.”

A tear falls down his cheek. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”