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“It was pulled from the shelves. Of the five thousand first-run copies printed, the publisher recalled and destroyed four thousand nine hundred and twelve. I tracked down another twenty-seven. So somewhere out there are sixty-one copies of a book that details the loss of my virginity to an unnamed cheerleader.”

Guilt choked her, and Stella buried her head in Ren’s neck. “Oh, God, no wonder. Of course, you hate me.”

His hands stroking her back soothed her in a way she did not deserve. “I don’t hate you, Stella. That’s the problem.”

“You have every right to. I violated your privacy in the same way.”

“Not exactly the same way. You had a job to do. I assume you didn’t observe me in the shower. And I know you didn’t watch me having sex because I haven’t been with anyone since I met you.”

“In three years?”

“I’ve had sex five times with five different women since being spied on at sixteen. All of those times were with professionals.”

Her face must have revealed her surprise because he explained, “The guys on my SEAL squad knew my issues.” He let out a sad chuckle.

“Steady and Tox got laid every time we walked into a bar. I’d hang back with Finn.

He was already crazy about Twitch, so he had no interest. When I finally told them about my childhood, Steady suggested—his words— occupational therapy . ”

Stella nuzzled his neck. “Well, that was thoughtful, I guess.”

Ren ran his hands down her back until he cupped her ass. “I considered those encounters tutoring sessions. Who better to teach me about sex than a professional? I thought if I ever wanted a relationship, I should know what I’m doing.”

“I’m obviously no expert, but I’d say you were a star student.”

He pulled her forward on his lap. “It was a fascinating subject.”

She felt his erection swell beneath her. “And have you ever? Wanted a relationship?”

“The only person I have ever wanted to have a relationship with was you.”

“You mean Sofria Kirk.”

“Yes. That’s the problem,” Ren said.

She pulled back and met his gaze. “What do you mean that’s the problem?”

“The first time I saw you, it was like being hit by a truck. I’ve never felt that way before. It was a revelation. Nathan, Tox, all the guys, even Steady tried to explain how they felt about Emily, Calliope, and Very, but I never understood. Until I met you.”

He meant until he met Sofria Kirk , a woman who didn’t exist. She didn’t bother to correct him. Stella understood.

“The truth is I responded to Sofria Kirk before I got to know her. Ergo, I responded to you.”

“Ergo?”

“Yes. The more I got to know Sofria Kirk, the more I liked her. But Stella Keen… with you, it’s something else entirely.”

Stella got the message. She’d never been lovable—not even by her parents. Stella knew her feelings for Ren ran deeper; she’d tried to deny it for two years. If all he could give was his body, that would have to be enough.

Ren continued. “So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m working through some shit. Pulling the curtains is a residual coping mechanism. If I get in my head that I’m being watched, I can’t go through with it.”

As hollow as her heart felt, Stella knew this wasn’t about her. Ren had just confessed something deeply personal. She wanted to soothe him. She slid backward and dropped to her knees between his powerful thighs. His body instantly responded.

“Can I try another first?” she asked.

“One sec.” Ren stood and stepped out of the shower, returning a moment later with a folded towel. He dropped it on the tile and repositioned her so her knees were cushioned.

“Tell me what to do,” she said.

“Follow your instincts, Stella.”

She wasn’t completely ignorant of the mechanics of a blow job. Stella had watched some porn, and once on assignment, she had gone to a sex club and seen the live version. She fisted the thick base of Ren’s erection and ran her tongue up the length of him.

“Jesus,” he muttered.

Stella was so turned on, she could barely think. She cupped Ren’s balls and took the crown into her mouth, accepting more of him as he jerked his hips forward.

“That’s amazing, Stella. Keep going.”

Encouraged by his praise, Stella sucked him deeper until she gagged. After a couple of tries, she relaxed her throat and swallowed as much of his thickness as she could take.

“Fuck, you’re amazing. I’m close.”

He tried to push her off, but Stella refused, redoubling her efforts until he exploded on a shout. She licked her lips and smiled.

Ren leaned over and touched his forehead to hers. “I’m enjoying exploring these firsts with you.”

“Me too.”

“I have another one if you’re up for it.”

She couldn’t hide her eagerness. Ren’s head moved with hers as she nodded.

He chuckled. “Then get dressed.”

Her brow crinkled in confusion. “What? Why?”

“We’re going to a town fair. I’m assuming you’ve never been to one. It’ll be a new experience for both of us.”

Stella threw the loofa at him and stood with a pout.

Ren caught it and set it aside. Rising to his full height, he pulled Stella into his arms and said, “And if you’re a good girl, I’ll buy some local jam or honey, and we can continue with the firsts.”