Page 36 of Single Daddy To Go

Tears gather at the corners of my eyes, but I fight them back. I have to get through the rest of my day. My co-worker Emma steps out of the bathroom, whistling and blissfully unaware of the wretched interaction that just occurred. I’m glad that she didn’t watch my confrontation with Lindsay. It was bad enough without having a witness and I paste a smile on my face. But Emma can see that something’s definitely wrong.

“Oh my god, Ally, are you okay?” she asks, running over.

Slowly, I pick myself off the ground, ruefully trying to dust myself off.

“Nothing,” I say. “I’m O.K. Just a little dizzy for a moment, but it’s nothing,” I offer as a lame excuse.

Emma shoots me a look.

“You don’t look O.K.” she says darkly.

I hate that she can tell when I just want to suffer in silence. I look up at her, my eyes pleading. “Please, Emma. Don’t worry about me. It’s nothing. There’s just a big paste spill and I got overwhelmed trying to clean it up. I swear.”

She nods, gravely. I think she gets it, that I’m not O.K. at all but I want her to pretend. “I can work on cleaning it. I don’t mind,” she offers. “Come on, I’ll get some paper towels.”

“Thanks,” I say. My voice in my own ears sounds small and far away.

I know this feeling. It’s heartbreak. I’ve felt it once before, when my college boyfriend left for Europe, but it’s ten times worse this time. The other breakup was a natural thing. I felt wistful but not destroyed. After all, the guy was joining the Peace Corps in some remote rural area. The separation was just what had to happen at that point in our lives.

But this time, my heart feels like a gaping wound, bleeding out inside my chest. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of the day. I just want to run away and hide somewhere, but I have to keep it together for the kids and their parents.

I shut myself into the bathroom and splash water on my face desperately. I look at myself in the mirror. The girl that stares back at me is fat and dirty, covered in paste with her hair a mess and no makeup. I can’t hold a candle to glamorous Lindsay Sty.

What a silly girl I’ve been, living in a fantasy land. What a dumb, delusional girl. Rob Lockhart played me for a good one, and it tookhis exto show me the light. Sure, the relationship was good while it lasted, but only before I realized that it wasn’treal. I take a deep breath, standing up tall and straightening myself out. I’m not all here, but I can get through this. It’s just a few more hours before I can go home and cry myself to sleep with the memories of what might have been but never actuallywere.

14

Rob

It’s a beautiful day, the sun peeking through the gaps between the skyscrapers and shining through the windows of my top floor office. But on the inside, I feel as gloomy as the worst rainy day. Outside my window, pigeons are cooing as they walk around on the window ledge. I watch two of them snuggling, preening each other’s feathers. I feel a pang of jealousy. Those winged rats are doing better than I am right now.

A week ago, I was thinking about a second marriage and another chance at fatherhood. A week ago, everything was right with my world. I felt like a king, but now I feel like shit. I’m trying to keep it together, because I can’t have my office staff noticing that their boss is falling apart. On the outside, I look my usual self: dominating and handsome in a sharp suit. On the inside, I’m an utter mess.

In a daze, I try calling Ally again, and once again, she doesn’t answer. What the fuck? The phone clatters onto my desk, my fingers numb. It’s been a week, and she hasn’t returned any of my calls or texts. I know she’s alive, because I’ve seen the notification that she’s read my texts. I’ve tried calling her from my cell and the phone at my house and the phone at my office, with no luck.

I’m so confused. Everything was going so well. One moment I was taking her out in my new sports car and introducing her to all the best spots in the city, and the next moment: radio silence. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

I’ll confess, sometimes Ireallydon’t understand women. They keep so much on the inside, and their motivations can be tangled like crossed wires. I think I have a firm grasp on how their bodies work, but their minds can be a mystery. I suspect I have done something to offend Ally, but I have no idea what it was. Really no clue. So what do I do now? I’m trying to get a hold of her to have a talk, but if the girl won’t answer, then what am I left with?

Was I too cavalier about the issue of birth control? Did I scare her away by suggesting I wanted to get her pregnant? I wasn’t being flippant. I reallydowant to have a family with Ally. I bought that new penthouse down the street in anticipation of us, and the children we’re going to have together. Nothing would be better than watching her grow pregnant again and again, that curvy body getting heavier still. She’s so amazing with the child I already have, and I know she’s going to make a wonderful mother.

But did it all come too fast? She didn’t really reply when I brought it up at the carnival, and I was nervous about pushing the issue. After all, my lover is quite a bit younger than me. Maybe she’s not ready. Maybe she wants to wait. You never know with women in New York City. They all have high-powered careers and seem to want to make a mark on the world before settling down to start a family.

Shit. That must be it. I must have underestimated her career aspirations. After all, I was somewhat nonchalant about her job at Ladybug Tots, and Ididfuck her during a school event. Goddamn. Maybe I should have taken things slower. Shedidtell me that she wanted a Master’s in Education, and don’t those degrees take years to get? Goddamit. The talk of starting a family together must have put her off.

Shit shit shit. Or maybe it wasn’t that. Did I make some random, offensive off-hand comment? I just don’t know. I hate this feeling of uncertainty. If I knew what the problem was, I could fix it, but the communication breakdown is impossible, and I have no idea where to even start. I’m worried that I’m making it worse by continuing to call her, but I don’t know what else to do.

This fucked up situation drives me crazy, and I sink back into my chair with a hand over my eyes. I’m used to getting what I want, but a woman is not like a company. I can’t justacquireher. There are women who can be bought, but Ally isnotone of those. It’s part of what I loved about her, that she doesn’t seem terribly concerned with the material things in life. I have to charm her. I have to pay attention to her needs. I have toearnher love and respect. In fact, there’s nothing I want to do more in life, but now we’ve totally gone off the rails because I thought I was doing a great job, but obviously not.

I’m trying to focus on work, but all I can think about is how much I miss Ally as my mind spins out different scenarios to explain what might have gone wrong. I feel cold on the inside, worried that I’ve somehow managed to ruin such a good thing.

My secretary’s voice interrupts my thoughts. “Mr. Lockhart, your eleven a.m. is here.”

I notice that Ann is standing in front of my desk, looking sharp in a blue skirt suit. She’s a very tall woman with her light brown hair tied back in a tight bun, her expression expectant. Fuck. I’m so distracted that I didn’t even notice her entrance. This isn’t good.

“Um, excellent. Send him in,” I clear my throat, not feeling at all excellent. I gather myself, focusing on the task at hand instead of thinking about the girl I’ve somehow managed to lose.

Mr. Fred Hwaung is a businessman from Hong Kong, and a billionaire in his own right. His line of work revolves around setting up shell companies, getting them listed on the Hong Kong Stock Exchange, and then selling them to other companies who want to get listed quickly. I need one of those companies, for an Eastern subsidiary of Lockhart Industries. This is an important meeting, which I can’t fuck up.